


With and Without

by AlwaysMyChoices



Series: Life With and Without Dr. Ramsey [2]
Category: Open Heart (Visual Novels)
Genre: Angst, Boss/Employee Relationship, Developing Relationship, Exes, F/M, Forbidden Love, Friends With Benefits, Gen, Love, Medicine, Secret Relationship, Smut, past relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-25
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:55:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 131,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24374635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlwaysMyChoices/pseuds/AlwaysMyChoices
Summary: Dr. Charlie Greene doesn't have Ethan Ramsey - not after their brief fling after the ethics trial and painful separation that sent Dr. Ramsey all the way to the Amazon to avoid her. They've worked very hard to rebuild their friendly, professional relationship. But when Charlie's life feels like it's out of control, she finds herself on Ethan's doorstep. They promise each other that it's just one night, but once they've broken all their rules, they can't go back to normal...
Relationships: Ethan Ramsey/Main Character (Open Heart), Ethan Ramsey/Original Female Character(s)
Series: Life With and Without Dr. Ramsey [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1759927
Comments: 44
Kudos: 195





	1. Just Tonight

Charlie Greene had no reason to be standing at Ethan Ramsey’s front door.

But there she was, staring right at his door with an expression that could only be described as shock.

She had no excuse to give for why she came here, not even for herself. If anything, she had a plethora of reasons _not_ to be here, especially at midnight. Even if they pretended otherwise, they had a history that made everything about this moment _dangerous_. What reason could Charlie have to visit her boss so late in the night if their relationship was solely professional?

When Charlie left Edenbrook only an hour earlier, she was supposed to go home. The only reason she’d even left Kyra’s side was that she’d been forced out by the night nurses, and they’d implored her to assure them that she would go straight home to bed. But the idea of going home after everything that happened at the baseball game and after Kyra’s collapse made Charlie’s stomach twist. Her happy apartment was full of tension, and undoubtedly, a fight was in her future. And she just couldn’t do it tonight, not when she was so close to losing Kyra. Instead of taking the train back to her apartment, she stopped at a nearby bodega just to waste time. In a panic to buy something, she’d bought ice cream and eaten it on a dark park bench, rushing to finish it before it melted in the warm summer night.

She wasn’t sure why she did that, either. It was as if reason had abandoned her the moment she watched Kyra cough up that blood. Every ounce of control she thought she had over her life was gone as if it had never existed in the first place. All day, she’d wrestled with a desperate need to scream or cry or run, and she’d done none of the above. Instead, she threw herself into work, checking on Kyra every half-hour and lingering by her bedside after her shift ended.

The entire time, she felt like an animal on exhibit. Everyone watched with quiet whispers of concern or expectations of her descent into chaos. She felt determined to prove her stability, which only made her seem more unraveled. Individually, all of her friends had tried to help. When that failed, they became a cohesive unit trying to soothe their friend despite their own internal struggles. That was even more of a failure.

Ethan, to the surprise of everyone, was the most effective. When Sienna approached him and requested that he take Charlie off all her cases for the day, he refused and left the decision to Charlie herself. She decided to keep working. She _needed_ to work, to distract herself, and somehow, Ethan knew that. He’d monitored her progress through the day, checking in on her work and her wellbeing. On each check, he lingered far longer than he really needed to. He couldn’t suppress his deep concern. He recognized the flashing panic in her eyes and the deep-rooted need to control what she still could. He’d seen it before in his own reflection.

That night, he stayed in Edenbrook for hours after he needed to, picking up stray tasks to justify his long hours. He only left when he ran out of pretense, but before he finally went home, he’d gone to Kyra’s hospital room to see Charlie. He made her promise that she would take care of herself for the rest of the night. Before that point, he’d assumed that responsibility himself, making sure she didn’t work herself to a breaking point and remembered to eat. When she’d mumbled her promise, he almost didn’t leave because he didn’t believe her.

But he did leave.

And eventually, so did Charlie – and then she came _here_.

Charlie raised her hand to knock on his door and hesitated. There was a flash of recognition of the situation, and she wondered what the _fuck_ she was doing. She thought about turning around, ordering an Uber, and just going home like she was supposed to.

But she knocked.

Charlie seemed startled by the noise as if she hadn’t even known she was going to do it. She held her breath as she waited for his answer, wondering if he would answer at all. He could have been asleep, out of the apartment, or uninterested in humoring a late-night visitor. Perhaps, if she’d stood longer, she could have convinced herself of any of these options and gone home, but she wasn’t given the opportunity.

The door opened.

Ethan Ramsey stood on the other side, exhaustion etched on his face. He was holding a nearly empty nightcap in his hand, clearly on the verge of finishing it and going to bed himself. He was already wearing the sweatpants Charlie absently remembered that he liked to sleep in, the waistband hanging low and exposing the strong yet pale plains of his chest.

It took him a moment to process who was on the other side of the door, but when he did, Ethan nearly dropped the glass in his hand.

Normally, Charlie would have recognized the surprise on his face and offered an explanation for her unusual visit, but she could hardly open her mouth to speak.

Because, as she stared at Ethan, she suddenly knew why she came.

She’d come here on instinct _for him_. She was here to see him, to feel the security she felt in his presence. It was like watching lies shatter in front of her, exposing the inconvenient truth she’d willfully ignored since she walked out of his apartment all those months ago. The walls they’d carefully built between them crumbled under the weight of the internal conviction that she still needed him. The voice that had brought them together had been drowned out to the sound of desperate attempts to leave each other behind. It became a white noise in the back of her mind, just quiet enough to ignore, but now, it was unbearably loud. It screamed for her to return to him, and without realizing it, she’d listened.

 _Oh no…_ she thought quietly.

In the wake of her startling internal monologue, Charlie and Ethan stared at each other in silence.

There was a familiar but unexpected intimacy in their close proximity. Ethan found himself glancing down at her lips, remembering the night before when he’d kissed her in the street. He hadn’t expected himself to do it, and he still didn’t know why he did. But he never really understood what he did around Charlie. He’d been prepared to punch his former friend for the crime of going against Charlie, and he was fully aware that, if Tobias took one more step towards her, Ethan would have destroyed him.

He’d spent the entire morning preparing himself to talk about that kiss, knowing that he needed to step away from it. He’d crossed a line and needed to redraw it, even if he secretly wished he didn’t have to. When Kyra collapsed, he’d evaded the conversation but not his commitment to Charlie’s protection. It took all of his willpower to override the overwhelming urge to cement himself to her side, but he’d never been far out of her sight.

Even now, he was overwhelmed with his need to care for her. One look exposed Charlie’s vulnerability, something he hadn’t seen since the weekend she’d permanently entangled herself in his life.

“You promised me that you would go home,” Ethan was the one to break the silence.

Charlie thought about her explanation. She’d nearly formed a perfect speech about how, despite her intentions to go home, she’d hesitated to return to the tension in her apartment after their fight and face the concern of her friends after Kyra’s sudden illness, but then she’d have to explain why she came _here_. So, instead, she conceded, “I did.”

Ethan nodded thoughtfully, pausing before asking, “Are you alright?”

Charlie considered the question for a moment before absently replying, “Yes, I think so.”

Ethan remained unconvinced.

“If you give me a minute, I can drive you home. There are also leftovers if you’re hungry, or I can get you something,” Ethan placed his glass on the table beside the door, already reaching for his car keys. He didn’t wait for her answer, already convinced of his own responsibility to care for her, and he started to walk to his bedroom to put on a shirt and a pair of shoes.

To his surprise, Charlie reached for his wrist, stopping him in his tracks.

He looked over his shoulder in surprise, “What-?”

“Don’t get mad at me,” Charlie cut him off, stepping into the apartment to be closer to him.

“Why would I-?” Ethan didn’t get to finish the question.

And then she kissed him.

If last night had crossed a line, it was all but erased now.

Ethan’s arms reflexively looped around Charlie’s waist, pulling her into him. He wasn’t thinking. He was only touching and tasting and unapologetically taking. A deep, unrelenting hunger unfurled in his body, spreading like fire through his limbs. His bare skin burned from the direct contact of hers. He suddenly felt drunk, like the mere taste of her lips had stripped him of his inhibitions.

Charlie’s hands were in his hair, tugging him down to her height. As he loomed over her, she felt enveloped in his body heat. Her clothes clung to her skin uncomfortably, making her desperate to take them off.

She’d spent so many nights trying to forget the way it felt to be in his arms and even more insisting that it was a place that she never wanted to be again. On the night of her ethics trial, Charlie walked out of Ethan’s apartment and never intended to step foot in it again, but the pull to it was magnetic. Slowly breaking the rules, she’d gotten so close that _this_ was inevitable.

Charlie closed the front door with her foot, the sound of it closing startling them.

The noise brought sense back to Ethan.

He pulled away just enough that his lips weren’t against hers, and she already missed them. Still holding her in his arms, she could feel his hot breath on her nose as he panted and attempted to control himself.

“We shouldn’t,” he murmured, his eyes hooded with an expression that could only be likened to carnal desire.

“Just for tonight,” Charlie murmured, her hands spreading across the plains of his chest, “Tomorrow, we pretend this never happened. I need you, Ethan.”

Absently, Charlie recognized her plea as pathetic. No man could have ever elicited such a declaration from Charlie, even if they explicitly requested it, but for Ethan, she offered it with the same casual nature she said her name.

Charlie cautiously met Ethan’s gaze. It would have been evident to anyone that it was a herculean effort to overwhelm his own desire to accept her proposition and strip her on the spot, but Charlie recognized his hesitation.

Her breath now slow, Charlie paused. When she spoke, her voice was softer, somehow more intimate than the breathless whisper she’d offered, “You’re the person that I go to when I’m in crisis, and I need you. Every day, I pretend I haven’t kissed you or fucked you, and I really can’t do that tonight.” Charlie swallowed, “I know what we did after the trial, and I know we promised that we wouldn’t do this again.”

Ethan resisted the urge to remind her of the note she’d left when she sneaked out of his apartment at four in the morning. Even with his inhibitions stripped, he still never wanted to talk about that…

“But none of that has to matter,” Charlie was still pressed against him, so he could feel her breathing shift as she offered her final proposition, “Just one night. No Edenbrook, no strings. Look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t want it.”

Ethan heard the silent dare in her voice, and as her green eyes flicked up to his, he knew he was lost.

“You’re trouble,” Ethan warned, but the threat was lost to him. He was a strong man but not strong enough to reject her.

“That’s not fair,” Charlie leaned closer, capturing his lower lip between her teeth as she assured him, “I’m not even naked yet.”

“No one likes a brag,” Ethan teased her, his hands now on her hips. They roamed her waist, tracing the delicate curve of her figure. His fingertips slipped under the thin cotton of her scrubs, and the second he touched her, he felt a wave of goosebumps prickle her skin.

“Everyone must fucking hate you then.” The confidence in her voice elicited a physical reaction from Ethan, and he tore his eyes from the curves of her figure to meet her stare.

And this time, when he met her emerald gaze, he felt a tug in his chest. The vulnerability she’d shared only moments before hadn’t yet left her face, and he also felt exposed as he witnessed it. It was enough to remind him that he hadn’t run away to the Amazon just because he wanted to see her naked…

Rationality begged for his attention. This was a terrible, terrible idea. He ran away for the sole purpose of not caving in to such pressures, and he’d painstakingly rebuilt his walls just to keep Charlie out.

Yet, her pull was irresistible. No matter how long he hesitated or how logical he wanted to be, he let her in again.

“One night,” Ethan affirmed, his lips pressing slowly to her neck. Charlie stilled, her breath hitching at his kiss. His hands were on her bare waist, pulling up her shirt as they rose higher. His kiss was sloppy and wet and slow, and a fire roared deep in Charlie’s hips. His lips traveled up her neck, to her jaw, to her cheek, to her ear where he repeated, “One night…” He pulled away to pull her shirt over her head, letting it fall recklessly to the floor.

Ethan didn’t let her stay distant for long. His hands on her hips, he pulled her back to him. As his fingers dug into her hips, the pressure marked her skin. The first push was gentle enough that Charlie barely registered it through the mind-numbing high of feeling Ethan so close. The next, she noticed. He pushed at her hips, silently urging her backward as he kissed her jaw. He was careful to not leave marks, but his kiss was intentional.

When Ethan finally captured her mouth with his own, Charlie gasped as her back met the wall behind her. Ethan pushed her just a bit farther so that she was pressed against it, caught on one side with the wall and his body on the other. His thumbs hooked on the waistband of her scrubs, pulling them down as his kiss worked down her throat, her clavicle, her sternum, her torso…

When her pants pooled at her feet, Charlie kicked them away. As she did, Ethan peered up at her, quietly marveling at her smooth, creamy skin and the way her eyes glittered in the soft light of his apartment. He pulled down her panties next, now crouched in front of her with his lips lazily kissing across her hips. She didn’t bother kicking her panties away and allowed them to stay at her feet. She was far too engrossed in him and his mouth.

Charlie’s fingers tangled in his hair as she impatiently watched him gently spread her legs. She squirmed at his slow, purposeful pace, and he stilled her with a squeeze of her thigh.

“You don’t play fair,” Charlie murmured appreciatively, leaning her weight into the wall as she happily spread her legs for him.

Ethan answered with a long, slow lick and a flick of her clit with his tongue. Charlie gasped, her hands already trying to hold his head closer to her. As his tongue deftly swirled and flicked, Charlie’s head fell back to the wall. Her skin flushed, growing warm under Ethan’s attention. Charlie’s breath became ragged, easily distracted by the movements of his tongue, and her body squirmed with an intense need for friction. Ethan enjoyed watching the way her body jerked and stilled for a moment when his finger curled.

He knew where he was pushing her, and he knew her body. He knew she was close by the way she squirmed beneath his touch, the way her lips parted in a silent plea for more. He recognized it before she realized it herself, causing him to double his efforts before she could open her mouth in a warning.

“ _Ethan_ …” Charlie writhed against the wall, the heat rising in her body threatening to consume her. Every nerve ending tingled with anticipation, and right when she was sure her body would combust from the energy building, she shuttered and basked in the warm glow of her orgasm.

Her grip on his hair went slack as she leaned into the afterglow, and Ethan smirked up at her as he watched her ride the waves of pleasure. It was enough to bolster any man’s ego, but the fact that it was Charlie somehow elevated the compliment to the point where he momentarily felt like a god among men.

Ethan stood, his fingertips grazing Charlie’s sensitized skin, and he left a trail of goosebumps on her skin as he unclasped her bra and dropped it to the floor. When Charlie’s eyes opened, her breath caught at the sight of him.

 _I love you_ , she thought. Panicking, she buried the thought by pulling him closer and kissing him.

If Ethan was surprised, he didn’t show it, and one of his hands moved to her jaw to hold her still while the other massaged her breast. The sensation was enough to distract Charlie from the intrusive thought she hadn’t had since she left him the night of the ethics trial.

The desire blooming in Ethan’s body was too much to ignore. Having her so close, all intentions to prolong this night until the dawn felt distant. He needed her, _now_.

Shedding the rest of his clothes, Ethan pushed her back against the wall and lifted her into his arms. Wrapping her legs around his waist, he whispered, “Are you sure?”

Charlie felt a smirk against his lips, “You’re not going to lecture me about patience?”

“I don’t want to be patient,” Ethan nipped at her lower lip.

“Be careful. That will go right to my ego,” Charlie tightened her legs around him, her arms looping around his neck as she whispered, “But I am very, _very_ sure.”

“Now _that_ will go right to my ego,” Ethan murmured, his mind somewhat absent as the sensation of her bare skin pressed against his distracted him.

Of course, even as desperate as he was for her, he couldn’t resist teasing her a little bit. There was nothing like watching her react to it.

Ethan’s length rested against her warm, wet slit as if hesitating. While one arm looped around her and supported her, the other was everywhere – her waist, her torso, her ass, her thighs – as if testing what she responded to the most.

And then…

Charlie gasped as he entered her, reveling in the sensation of fullness, and her nails dug into his shoulders, leaving light scratches.

“Still sure?” Ethan asked, stilling as he entered her fully. She was so warm and wet that he nearly felt dizzy, but he maintained his questioning expression as he looked back at her. His face so close to her, he watched as her expression shifted into annoyance.

Her eyes narrowed, she retorted, “You fucking tease.”

“I’ll take that as a yes,” Ethan’s kiss captured her, instantly distracting her from her exasperation, and while her head swam with the feeling, he began to fuck her. And even if she wanted to, Charlie couldn’t form a coherent thought.

His pace verged on unhinged, faster and harder and more desperate than he’d ever been with her. Gone were the tender, slow movements of a man who wanted to explore and savor her. This was a man who knew exactly what he had and _wanted_ it. Every secret thought of her, of _this_ , of _them_ , had materialized and felt fleeting. If he didn’t hold her tight enough, she might just disappear.

She was so warm, so soft, so intoxicating, so…

His hand in her hair, he tugged her back to him like an anchor on reality. _She’s here_.

“My Charlie,” he wasn’t sure if he said it or if she even heard it, but it didn’t shake the undeniable feeling that it was true.

Heartbeat pounding, the world felt like it was spinning too quickly for Charlie. She was in a haze where all she knew was the deep fire in her hips, the feeling, the friction, and Ethan. And she would have stayed in it permanently if her body could have maintained it.

“Ethan, I can’t…” she warned, a tinge of disappointment in her voice that she couldn’t stay in this bliss.

She climbed and climbed, nerves on fire, and climbed and climbed until…

_“Ahhhh!”_

Charlie tumbled into her orgasm like she was falling into a pit of lava, the burn so bright that it was all-consuming. Every muscle in her body tingled with the sensation, her toes curling as her body flexed to feel the scorching, delicious heat. It was everything. Nothing else existed, just the warmth and Ethan. Stars appeared in front of her eyes as she shuttered, and she fell back into him, her body limp.

Ethan was intoxicated as he watched her, as he felt her skin flush and her body tighten around him, and as he heard the desperate and satisfied whimpers. It was overwhelmingly perfect like a thousand fantasies materialized beneath him.

His orgasm gripped him like bliss, immovable and eternal. He wasn’t sure it would ever end, and he hoped it wouldn’t.

Slowly climbing down from their shared ecstasy, Charlie and Ethan stilled and nearly collapsed into the support of the wall.

When Charlie’s eyes fluttered open, she half-expected him to not be there and for this all to have been a fever dream, but he was there, still holding her and supporting her. She swallowed, waiting for him to look up at her, and when he did, the recognition in his eyes was unsettling.

They’d just broken all of their rules…

And it felt better than they expected.

But their rules existed for a reason.

Suddenly, they were both reminded of the spring – of Ethan quitting, the weekend they’d shared in crisis, the intimacy they’d indulged in, and the painful goodbye. Ethan suddenly didn’t see the promising intern nor the irresistible woman, but the Charlie who evaded a final goodbye by leaving a note and sneaking out in the middle of the night. He remembered running away to the Amazon, and now, he was here…

Charlie felt the panic in his new heartbeat, and she fought the anxiety and shame at having broken her determined promise to never fall into Ethan Ramsey again.

“What did we just do?” Charlie murmured, her breathing showing her internal alarm.

But Ethan surprised her. Hands on either side of her jaw, he kissed her again. His kiss was deep and bruising and _distracting_. If they just stayed here, in this passion, they could evade the truth of what they’d done. And he was willing to chase the dawn this way.

Because, when they stopped, they would have to reconcile the truth. No matter their promises, it would never just be tonight. Everything had changed.


	2. Afterglow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a passionate night together, Ethan and Charlie find themselves alone and unsure how to interact with each other. Even as they argue, they can’t seem to stay away from each other. And after all, if they only have one night, shouldn’t they use it?

The city was eerily silent. It was as if all of Boston had conspired to deprive Ethan Ramsey of the escape he craved as a punishment for what he had done. Desperate to hear something, Ethan leaned further over the balcony, scotch in hand, as he quietly urged the city to fill with distracting noise. All these years, Boston had never failed him like this…

It was three in the morning! Boston should have been electrified as partygoers drifted from bars to nightclubs, echoing sounds of merriment like an illicit call to action. But if anyone was out there, his apartment was too far removed to hear. The world outside of his home had shunned him, and he felt the stinging weight of the silence.

“What are you doing? Trying to jump?” Charlotte’s voice startled Ethan, and he nearly dropped the glass in response.

Ethan looked over his shoulder instinctively, though he already knew what he would see, and he knew what he would feel when he did.

Charlie stood in the doorframe of his balcony, still holding a towel to her wet hair. She wore his sweatpants with the drawstring tight around her waist to compensate for their significant height difference, and his undershirt hung comically low on her legs. After rummaging around in his apartment for a suitable conditioner, her curls were just starting to take shape and grew tall in the humid summer night. She looked… _beautiful_ , and it made his stomach dip.

Ethan realized that those were the first words either of them had spoken while not engaging in some sort of foreplay tonight.

 _Fitting,_ he thought to himself.

They’d almost started talking once after they had sex against his wall. It followed the crashing realization of what they’d done and how many of their own rules they’d broken. Ethan felt like he was drowning in anxiety when Charlie spoke, so instead of facing it, he kissed her and practically dragged her to his bedroom. Tangled in his bed, there had only been dirty murmurs and sarcastic jabs. There, the decision to take a shower had been made with only a couple of sentences between them. In the shower, she’d teased him for his insufficient hair care products, but then she was pressed against the tile and wouldn’t have cared if he had used acid for shampoo.

But now, their afterglows had faded. They were dressed and sober, and there was nowhere left to hide from the consequences they’d incurred.

“Did you find the conditioner you needed?” Ethan ignored her first question, turning around to face her with his body leaning against the glass railing.

Charlie took a step on to the balcony, where she retorted, “I have an obscene amount of coconut oil in my hair.”

Now that she was closer, he could smell it – his body wash, the coconut oil, and the lingering scent that was uniquely Charlie. It was enough to make him consider avoiding this conversation by taking her right there on his balcony.

“How’d you find me?” Ethan asked, maintaining the decorum of small talk. It felt strange, especially when he’d spent the last few hours twisting her into different positions and finding new ways to make her scream his name. He hadn’t ruled out the possibility of returning to that activity. Selfishly, he recognized that, if he only had one night, he needed to take full advantage of it.

Charlie shrugged. She was still walking towards him, and he was overly aware of her presence.

“I asked myself where the most dramatic place in your apartment would be, and when I looked, you were there,” she was close enough that he could see the dark circles forming under her eyes. He already knew that she hadn’t slept much the night of the baseball game, and it was likely that she had spent the last twenty-four hours running on a couple hours of rest. It was a grim reminder of the ticking clock.

He hadn’t expected himself to hold onto the minutes so tightly. Then again, he hadn’t expected to accept her proposition, nor for her to offer.

What they had done was reckless.

One kiss from her, and he’d been willing to throw out months of self-discipline and determination. His ethics and principles fell away with such ease that he wondered if they’d been there in the first place. He remembered their last night together in the spring when he’d taken his job back and assumed the somber responsibility of ending their relationship. He’d been so confident in his ability to stay away from her. How long had he lasted? Only a few months? All of that running only delayed the inevitable.

He imagined the man he’d been in the Amazon, purposefully depriving himself for the greater good. What would he have thought of this failure?

“You must have an unfortunate impression of me,” Ethan said thoughtfully. Did she have the poor impression, or did he?

“Quite the opposite,” Charlie shook her head, “I think very highly of you…. I just also think you’re an asshole.”

Ethan choked on his scotch, laughing despite himself, “Oh? I’ve also heard you call me a _‘fucking giraffe,’_ so I’ll assume that’s positive as well.”

Charlie’s face flushed. She didn’t know he’d ever heard her before.

But she played it off by defiantly crossing her arms.

“That’s neither positive nor negative. It’s a fact. You’re a fucking giraffe,” Charlie motioned down to her clothes as if they were proof of the one-foot difference between them, “6’8” is practically selfish. I mean, just _stop_.”

“Right, of course,” Ethan nodded considerately, wondering to himself why sparring with her had always been so amusing, “I’ll just _stop_ being tall.”

“That’s all I ask,” Charlie was beside him now. She held onto the balcony railing, facing the city. He wondered if she was looking for an escape, too.

A silence followed. It wasn’t uncomfortable in nature, but it allowed them both to explore thoughts best left untouched.

Charlie didn’t like how much she enjoyed being next to him. Every second erased weeks of work. Only two months ago, seeing him at a bar for the first time made her heart stop. She’d hardly been able to speak, staring at him as if still trying to prove his existence. She’d accepted his offer to stay after closing without a second thought, and the entire time they spoke, she’d watched his lips with a secret longing to taste them one more time… And she’d come so far since then.

She’d worked hard to move on from him, and it hadn’t been easy. The process was marred by mistakes and regrets, but the pain was necessary. She found ways to work with him every day without being incapacitated by butterflies in her stomach, but now, she knew that she’d been lying to herself.

The butterflies never left. She just ignored it and pretended it never existed.

“Why did you come here?” Ethan couldn’t help himself from asking. He wasn’t looking at her, and he deftly avoided her gaze when she looked at him. It was an unexpected question and one that she didn’t particularly want to answer.

Swallowing uncomfortably, Charlie turned back to the city.

“I told you.”

She had. Only a few hours ago, she’d poured her heart out to him in a dream-like haze. She’d said that she was drowning as her world turned to chaos, and she’d begged him to stand with her through the storm. Now sober, she couldn’t repeat it, especially when she wasn’t basking in the comforting heat of his stare. It was unpleasantly cold outside of his attention, and despite the summer heat, she shivered in her thin undershirt.

“You told me that you’re in crisis,” Ethan preferred not to remind either of them of the second part of her statement. She’d said she was in crisis and that _she needed him_. His voice was notably more serious now. Charlie hated it.

“What about it?” Charlie was staring at the ground now. Every now and then, she could see someone on the sidewalk, and she wished she were them so she could escape this conversation.

“What’s going on with you, Charlie? You’re…” Ethan’s voice was stern yet entangled with concern. He felt like a headmaster reprimanding his favorite student, and he didn’t particularly like it. Yet, even as he did it, he didn’t understand why. Was he instinctively pushing her away by making her uncomfortable with his reprimands?

“Spit it out, Ethan,” Charlie’s voice was tense, and she looked up just to glare at him.

Ethan turned to face her, “You’re acting recklessly, Charlie.”

The complaint set Charlie on edge, and she sarcastically barked back, “Am I?”

Ethan took her agitation as a challenge and leveled his gaze at her, “You nearly started a brawl at a baseball game full of respected physicians, Charlie. You’re pursuing drastic measures and appear to have assumed responsibility for Edenbrook’s future. The last time, I saw you like this-“

“I’d just been accused of killing a patient?” Charlie didn’t let him finish. She didn’t need to hear him say it to know he was thinking it.

Ethan was insulted and angered by her accusation, and she could see it on his face. But he knew that she couldn’t keep going like this with such unabridged freedom. She was too good of a doctor to create disasters with such frequency, and she was bound to entangle herself in something she couldn’t escape. She was still rebuilding her reputation, and such a lack of foresight was irresponsible. And damn, he felt compelled to tell her and make her understand.

“You didn’t kill Mrs. Martinez. You _know_ I’m not saying that,” Ethan seemed wounded by the implication, and for a moment, it interrupted Charlie’s growing irritation. But only for a moment.

“But you _are_ saying that I’m reckless. What exactly are you trying to tell me, Ethan?” Charlie snapped, her anger so bright and hot that she couldn’t stop herself from asking, “What? Am I reckless just because I _fucked_ you?”

The words stung, and Charlie regretted saying them. But she held her head high anyway, daring him to push her farther. She had no idea how far she was willing to go, but all it would have taken was a push to get her there.

“Yes, Charlie, you _are_ ,” Ethan’s voice was louder now. It was the tone he used with incompetent interns when they made a mistake. It shamed an individual into betterment for the sole purpose of never hearing his voice again. It wasn’t fair to use it on Charlie. He knew it wasn’t, yet he used it.

“You’re not my boss here, Ethan,” Charlie warned him. She didn’t falter like she once would have, and her fortitude shamed Ethan.

He was being a fucking asshole.

Ethan faltered, squaring his jaw as he attempted to reign himself in, “I’m _concerned_ for you, Charlie.”

“Oh? _Concerned_?” Charlie repeated incredulously, mocking him.

His eyes narrowed.

“This isn’t you,” he asserted, eyes locked on her gaze, “You’re careful. You’re smart. _This_ was foolish, Charlie.”

“Foolish?” Charlie’s pride stung, and she leaned into her anger not to fall back from hurt, “I’m not the only one here, Ethan. _You_ are, too. You were there for all of it – then and now.”

 _She’s right_ , Ethan thought, but he didn’t say it. He looked away, his jaw tight as he evaded her words.

“Don’t pretend like I’m the only one in freefall here,” Charlie demanded, “You and I are _equally_ fucked up. Maybe that’s why you don’t want to look at me now,” she called him out, daring him to look at her again, “Because you know we’re exactly the same. Do you regret adding me to your team, huh? Because I went against you to save the team? Because I remind you that neither of us are perfect?”

_“No.”_

Charlie stopped, her chest visibly rising and falling as her heartbeat accelerated, and she watched as he turned back to her with an expression she’d never seen before.

“I _don’t_ regret you, Charlie.”

The weight of what he’d said and what he’d meant forced Charlie to look away to escape its intensity.

Silence followed, and suddenly, the small space between them felt vast and treacherous.

Why did Ethan have to push her away so intently? Why did he raise his walls with such unwavering, cruel determination? Why did he feel so cold when being next to her always made him feel warm?

As her anger cooled, Charlie resisted the dawning understanding that the bastard was right.

Charlie didn’t like to admit that Ethan was right, especially when he behaved like a child determined to get his way. She really hated the way he understood her so easily, reducing her to her basic motives and exposing the less pure intentions she preferred to ignore. He made her feel young and foolish and, in this instant, _reckless_.

It would have been a lot easier to storm out of his apartment than acknowledge his accuracy. She could have angrily avoided him for days, long enough for the sting and shock of their sexual encounter to pass. At an undetermined date, they could exchange apologies and never speak of this night again.

But the curse of Ethan Ramsey was his irresistibility.

Charlie never quite learned how to withstand the unrelenting pull towards him, and tonight, she found herself unable to escape the current.

 _Fuck_ , she cursed silently.

“When I came to Edenbrook, everything was perfect,” Charlie’s whisper was small enough to be lost in the summer breeze, but he heard it, “I had friends, promise, a future… I don’t know when I fucked it up.”

Charlie paused, and Ethan stared. He felt the need to do something, to hold her or support her, but he stood awkwardly instead. He didn’t know if he was still angry, or if he ever really had been.

“After the ethics trial, I haven’t really done anything right,” Charlie admitted. She felt as if a weight were being lifted from her chest, but the raw vulnerability made her squirm and lock her stare on a nearby building rather than the man beside her, “I thought that winning meant that everything would go back to normal, but it didn’t. I was so…”

Sad. Dark. Angry. Wistful.

Instead of saying any of the above, she shrugged, “While you were gone, I did bad things to stay distracted. I used people.”

One person in particular, and now, he couldn’t even look at her.

“I keep trying to make amends, but… I just keep fucking up,” Charlie cleared her throat, determined not to cry in front of him, “I may have destroyed the diagnostics team just because I wanted to help. When we had the opportunity to maintain our mission, I fucked it up by trusting Aurora. And I’m so _angry with her_ , but it’s not her fault, not really. It’s mine.”

Charlie shook her head, sighing as she added, “The only person I _hadn’t_ let down was Kyra, and now… I mean, what kind of diagnostician _doesn’t_ notice?” her frustration grew louder and louder until she was nearly yelling at herself, “I was with her the entire time. I could have done something to help her, but I didn’t fucking notice. When she collapsed, I had no idea that she was ill. Now…” Charlie’s voice cracked, and she lost her words.

“Charlie…” Ethan stepped closer, reaching out to hold her hand. Charlie looked away as if frustrated with his display of affection, but she didn’t retract her hand.

“I’ve already heard all of it, Ethan. Everyone’s told me that it’s not my fault, that I couldn’t have known and can’t blame myself. But _I_ solved the medical mystery of the decade. I _should have known_.”

“You can’t blame a physician for an unwilling patient, Charlie,” Ethan warned. He was standing close enough that she felt his warmth, and she cursed herself for reveling in it. In addition to his many other annoying qualities, he had a habit of convincing her that she was innocent of crimes she was sure she was guilty of.

“If I lose her, I won’t forgive myself,” Charlie’s voice was full of such resolve that it made Ethan pause. It wasn’t that she _couldn’t_ forgive herself. Rather, she _wouldn’t_. He didn’t doubt Charlie’s conviction that she would chain herself to the tragedy, and he was suddenly aware of how similar they were…

Ethan didn’t lie to her and assure her of her friend’s invincibility. He just held her. Charlie was initially stiff and resistant, but the warmth and comfort was too much to reject. She fell into his embrace, her head on his chest as she let his steady heartbeat lull her into a sense of security.

There was a reason she’d instinctively come here. Despite her attempts at forgetfulness and purposeful distance, she never really forgot the way it felt to be held by him. His touch was sincere and safe. It was comfortable and familiar, and once inside his grasp, she felt as if she’d never really been anywhere else.

Charlie attempted to hold onto her anger for her own convenience. It was so much easier to hate Ethan Ramsey. Anger blinded. Angry Charlie didn’t think about the way he smelled or how he smiled or why she loved him. Yet, no matter how hard she tried, he never let her hate him for long.

And somehow, she _wasn’t_ angry. And she really wanted to hold him close.

Ethan rested his chin on the crown of her head, one arm looped around her waist and one hand tangling in her hair. She relaxed into the sensation of his fingers on her scalp, her worries slowly drifting away as she focused on him.

“You’ll mess up my hair, you jerk,” Charlie’s soft, contented voice exposed the jest in her remark, and despite himself, Ethan found that he was smiling.

“It’s a miracle that I even have hair after sex with you. I’ve never met a woman so intent on pulling on my hair,” Ethan’s sarcasm was nearly ruined with his smile, and though she couldn’t see it, she could hear it. Ethan felt her grin into his chest.

For a moment, the world felt like it was painted in warm, golden sunlight that neither of them ever wanted to leave.

“I’ll be amazed if I can even walk tomorrow, asshole,” Charlie grumbled playfully. She could feel his spine straighten at her comment, his grip on her growing tighter, and she belatedly realized she’d padded his ego. She decided to let him keep the compliment instead of purposefully knocking that smirk off his face. He deserved it after all, and there was something nice about making him smile…

“Luckily, I know you’re not working tomorrow,” Ethan reminded her. He knew that she should rest, that she deserved to devote the entire day to herself and stop working for once. But, for a man determined that she should rest, he was resistant to let her go tonight. His mind wandered to the idea of her staying and hiding from the world in his bed as they once had.

It was hard to remember the darkness when being close gave off such a bright light. He’d spent months untangling the web of distrust, despair, and self-hatred that formed in the aftermath of his affair. He’d only escaped it by running to another continent and erasing her from their life as he healed. He wasn’t naïve enough to believe that he no longer loved Charlie Greene at all. Rather, he returned to Edenbrook with the understanding that he was in danger of falling back into her if he allowed himself to get close enough.

Ethan thought of himself as a man of strong resolve, but apparently, he had more exceptions than rules…

Ethan was so lost in thought that he initially didn’t notice that she was staring at him, and for that, she was relieved. She’d told him so much, but she couldn’t tell him the way she felt right now…

 _How am I ever going to leave him again?_ she quietly worried, unsuccessfully trying to wipe the dazed expression from her face.

When he noticed her obvious stare, he chuckled softly and raised an eyebrow. “Something else to add? Some significant revelation for the balcony?”

Charlie laughed, though she also narrowed her eyes at his sarcasm.

 _Yes, it’s easier to play along than tell him that I can’t imagine leaving_ , she thought.

“No, but if I find one, I’ll make sure to come back to the balcony for it,” Charlie didn’t think before she spoke, but once it was out of her mouth, she heard the flaw.

She couldn’t come back – not to his balcony, his embrace, or his kiss.

They’d promised each other that this was one night, and they couldn’t break their promise, not after they’d broken everything else.

It was strange how readily the idea came to her. Once she’d crossed the line, the other barricades faded from view. Now, she knew what it felt like to come back. She knew how easy it was to pick up right where they left off. She remembered what it felt like to hold him, and she saw that she wasn’t the only one who wanted it… And _that_ was a dangerous realization. She’d been safer in the uncertainty.

Now that rules had been broken, they had to be rebuilt…

But not tonight. Not yet.

 _And maybe they_ didn’t _have to._

Maybe it just took one more risk – one more proposition, one more agreement.

If either of them had proposed that this should keep going beyond the night, neither of them would have said no. Even if they expressed concern or hesitation, the answer was still yes. Whatever this was between them, it was intoxicating. It blurred the lines of reason and blinded them to the consequences. Even as they stewed in internal monologues filled with regret and apprehension, they would have gladly jumped off the cliff if they jumped off together.

And for a moment, both of them thought about it.

The ideas were totally independent of each other. If either had known that the other was considering it, they might have taken the next step to voice it. Maybe one night would have bled into another and then another, and then they could have dwelled on newer, larger questions.

Yet, for both, there was something holding them back.

Being together was like basking in burning, delicious sunlight, but apart, they were cast out in the cold. Over time, they became desperate to feel the warmth on their skin again. They were locked in eternal twilight, begging for dawn but longing for the night. And in that state, they were reckless. They pursued drastic measures to gain control over their lives – Ethan ran to the Amazon, and Charlie selfishly drained her relationships. Once you found daylight, going back to the night carried the threat of another twilight…

So, they faltered.

Charlie opened her mouth, but the words died on her lips.

Ethan clung to the idea of safety, to the comfort of evasion, and before he could say something he might regret, he went to the only place he knew he would be distracted enough to silence his thoughts.

Ethan kissed Charlie, and as if relieved, Charlie melted into him.

His tongue tasted like scotch, and combined with the cool touch of the summer breeze and the fresh body wash lingering on his skin, she could have easily devoted all of her senses to the understanding and appreciation of Ethan Ramsey. She willingly surrendered herself fully to him, relinquishing her attention to any endeavor beyond her physical cravings.

Ethan gripped her hips, his heart racing as he attempted to drown himself in her depths. His brain was devoid of any thought that didn’t begin and end with Charlie. Charlie eagerly removed her shirt, tossing it to a nearby chair, and Ethan roamed her skin as if touching it for the first time. He kissed her jaw down to her clavicle, where he breathed in the scent of his shower products still on her body, and a wave of possession washed over him. He wanted Charlie to be his, _now_ , even if she couldn’t be in the morning.

His hands anchored on her waist, Ethan kissed lower down her chest. He was less careful, allowing his kiss to verge on bruises now that he knew the area was less publicly exposed. He reached her left breast first, one hand moving to brush his fingertips on the right. His tongue traced lazy circles around her nipple, flicking it with the tip just to watch her gasp. They grew hard from the influence of the fresh night air and his lavishing attention, and Charlie’s hands absently toyed with his hair as she leaned into the sensation. By the time she looked nearly delirious with anticipation, Ethan used his teeth to earn a delighted yelp. When he averted his attention to her right breast, her body was so sensitive to his that she was convinced that feeling his breath on her skin might be enough to make her collapse.

Her eyes were full of admiration and lust when he looked up at her again, and it was enough to distract him from his occupation. She used this time to lean down and meet his parted lips, her lips darting between them just to taste him again. Her hand on his jaw, she pulled him up to her height, and he hooked his arms around her waist, her breasts and hips pressed against him.

The obsession she felt over him made her head spin, and she began to push him slowly, just as he had earlier in the night. He complied, questions about her intentions dying on her lips. When his knees met his outdoor lounge, he paused in a silent question. When she pushed him again, he obliged and sat down. He expected her to follow immediately, but when she failed to materialize on his lap, he opened his eyes to see her struggling with the tight knot on the sweatpants she borrowed.

Laughing softly, Ethan hooked his thumb in the waistband to bring her as close as he could get her. Her breathing hitched as she watched him take the knot from her hands, his warmth so close despite the lack of physical contact. She stood completely still as he worked despite the building desire to touch every inch of him. When the knot came loose, he let it fall away, and with it came the oversized sweatpants. She kicked them away, and in the moment before she came closer, Ethan felt mesmerized.

Outlined by city lights and stars, her silhouette stood like a goddess bathed in heavenly light. Her hair had just started to dry, causing her curls to take shape and freely billow around her, no longer restrained by her usual braid or ponytail. Her skin had flushed pink with desire, and damn, he longed to touch it…

Admittedly, Ethan could have admired her until the dawn, but Charlie was far more focused on satisfying the deep craving. After Charlie helped him out of his pants, she leaned in to kiss him once more. He squirmed from the physical distance as she continued to stand rather than straddle his lap, but when her hand ghosted his cock, he stilled. And when she pulled away, leaning down and running her tongue the length of his member, his jaw went slack. She wanted to watch him as she wrapped her lips around the tip of his cock, and with each inch she took, he looked more and more enamored. Ethan leaned his head back, his hands holding her hair gently as she bobbed up and down. The devilish grin she gave him when she pulled away made him pant with longing.

 _My Charlie,_ he thought again. This time, he didn’t push the idea out of his mind as desperately, and it lingered as she moved closer.

Charlie straddled Ethan, kissing him as she moved her wet slit against his hard, throbbing member. Rising on her knees, Charlie could hardly swallow the anticipation as she lined up his cock, slowly taking him in. Her eyes shut, she felt like she could see stars as he began to fill her, and she placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder for balance. Through hooded lids, Charlie looked up at him like there was nothing else in the universe, and he couldn’t stop himself from kissing her again, deeper, nearly bruising.

Charlie began to move slowly, partially to tease him and partially because she wanted to savor every moment. His hands roamed her soft skin, eventually cupping her breasts as she moved against him. He moved his hips, driving into her as she met him. She moaned, her nails digging into his shoulder as she began to move faster.

And harder. And faster. And ohmygod, that felt good.

Charlie’s thoughts were a jumble of _yes, fuck, yes_ , and _faster, for fuck’s sake_ , and absolute bliss.

It was somehow everything and not enough. Need consumed her, scorching her body as if a fire was spreading through her limbs. She wanted this, she wanted him. No, she _needed_ him.

Then, Ethan’s right hand abandoned her breast, moving down to her hips where he…

 _Oh my God_.

The words rang in her mind as she felt the flick of her clit. Ethan’s hand anchored to her hips, rubbing sweet, delicious circles around her clit, and Charlie had to stop herself from screaming his name from the rooftops.

Every thrust felt _deeper_ now, more electric, and she desperately fucked him, her pace nearly frantic as she hoped to bask in the sensation. Her nerves tingled with expectation, and against his lips, she mumbled an incoherent warning that she was close, not that he needed one. He could feel her body tense around him, and he sensed the feverish hunger in her body.

He drove into her, much harder and more deliberately than before. He was perfectly in sync with her body, as if he knew every desire and movement of her hips before she did, so each thrust hit just as hers did, the friction making her toes curl.

It was…

Oh God, it was…

So deep – fuck.

_Ahhhh!_

“Ethan!” Charlie cried out, her body so tense that it felt like she might collapse – and then she did.

Charlie fell into Ethan as her orgasm consumed her, bathing her body in euphoria and electrifying every last cell. She was lost in it, to each and every sweet wave. The world burned bright like daylight, as if her pleasure had somehow manifested into the very earth itself.

Ethan followed, shuttering as he held her in her arms. Together, they shared ecstasy, chasing it until it settled into the intoxicating afterglow.

Right now, the world didn’t exist.

It was just them.

Ethan lazily kissed Charlie on the side of her head, reclining back into the lounge as he held her close. Her head on his chest, she listened as his heartbeat steadied, creating a soothing rhythm that brought her to the cusp of sleep.

Twirling a curl around his finger, he didn’t feel like a man who had to let her go in a few hours. He was caught in this moment and secretly hoped to never leave.

They could have stayed there for a few moments or a few hours. They were too content to notice. Finally, when sleep seemed inevitable and the impracticality of their location grew increasingly obvious, Charlie rolled to his side and tucked herself into his arms. He smiled softly at the gesture. Before she settled into the lounge and chained herself to a bad night’s sleep, Ethan stood and collected her carefully, carrying her through his apartment to his bedroom. She settled into his bed comfortably, and when he moved back to retrieve a towel to clean them up and then go to his own side of the bed, he felt Charlie’s hands on his wrist.

“Stay,” she begged, her voice full of sleep.

Something dark and sad gripped his heart when he realized she thought he was leaving her.

“I’m here,” he assured her, watching as she reluctantly let him go. He wasn’t sure if she really believed him. He returned moments later, and she watched him with a sleep-clouded gaze.

She only smiled when he settled in next to her, his arm draped around her waist.

“My Charlie,” he whispered. He hadn’t intended to. The words slipped out, and the implication they carried made Ethan swallow heavily.

He had to let her go in the morning…

She couldn’t be his Charlie. So, why did he feel so sure that she was?


	3. The Morning After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Morning came faster than Ethan or Charlie hoped, and now, they have to face the consequences of their night together. They agreed that it would only be one night. Then, they would go back to normal.   
> Yet going back to normal is harder than they expected. Even in the halls of Edenbrook, they feel the pull to each other. The question is, will they follow it?

The morning sun hung low, basking Boston in a golden glow. The city glittered under the attention, greeting the morning with all who called Boston home.

But inside one apartment, the sun was an unwelcome visitor.

Charlie turned in bed, shielding herself from the light as she tried to sleep. Beside her, Ethan watched in silence, allowing the sun to overtake him and illuminate his side of the bed. He’d been up for some time now, delaying the inevitable. 

It was morning.

The night was over.

Which meant _they_ were over.

Ethan swallowed hard, pretending that he didn’t feel a lump in his throat at the thought.

 _It’s just sex,_ he told himself, but it felt like a lie. It was never just sex with Charlie, and it never had been.

Ethan felt exceedingly stupid as he reflected on the night before. What had he been thinking? All he had to do was push her away and drive her home, and he could have maintained all of his self-preserving rules. But as much as he regretted the knot in his stomach, he couldn’t will himself to regret last night. The memory was bathed in golden nostalgia, and it brought an unexpected smile to his lips.

But it could _never_ happen again.

Ethan watched as Charlie continued to stir, getting closer and closer to waking. Truthfully, he wanted to stay. He wanted to welcome her to the morning with a smile and a kiss. He wanted to tease her about the soreness in their limbs, perhaps even offering a shared shower and a morning tangled in his sheets. He wanted to be with her in the way he had been last night. But he quickly reminded himself of the deal.

It was just one night. Then, they went back to normal.

None of his fantasies were included in their terms.

So, before he could convince himself to stay, he left. He dressed quickly, refusing to cast even a spare glance back to Charlie in fear he may lose his will to avoid her. He left the bedroom quietly, closing the door behind him, and he began his morning routine, desperately searching for normalcy. And he almost found it. He fed Jenner, took him on a walk, and returned to put on the coffee all before Charlie had even woken, but he never actually evaded the thought of her.

She’d always been on his mind – even in the Amazon, though he would have vehemently denied it – but now, she was inescapable. His path reminded her of the day he’d walked her home, kissing her at the door. The social media notifications on his phone made him think of the night in his office when she’d made his first account. Everything he saw had _something_ to do with Charlie, and it was frustrating.

 _She’s a colleague_ , he reminded himself angrily, disappointed in his own behavior.

_But she’s also in your bed…_

Charlie woke to the smell of coffee.

She stretched across the bed, smiling at the feeling of the cool sheets against her skin, but the smile faltered as she noted the emptiness on the other side of the bed.

Charlie blinked her eyes open slowly, feeling sinking disappointment as she realized that he was gone.

Charlie flipped on her back, trying not to think of her fond memories of waking up beside Ethan Ramsey. She’d only done it once during their affair, opting to run away on their last night together, but the memory was vivid. That morning, they’d been different people. They’d smiled and laughed and kissed and fucked, and now…

She didn’t let herself finish the thought, sitting up in the bed as if being in another position would erase the memory from her mind. The small movement made her wince. She found herself laughing. The night before, she’d jokingly asserted that she wouldn’t be able to walk the next morning, but she’d never anticipated being _this_ sore. Charlie wondered how Ethan’s ego would respond to hearing that she could hardly walk now. As she imagined his posture straightening with pride and his gaze turning possessive, she resolved not to tell him. She doubted her self-control could withstand it.

As she thought about him and what they could no longer do, something unfamiliar and unwelcome tightened in Charlie’s chest, and she averted her eyes from the bed to escape it.

 _It’s better this way,_ Charlie told herself.

This was just one night, and that night was over.

It was time to be normal again.

But as Charlie began to dress, she struggled to remember what _normal_ even looked like.

When she thought of Ethan, all she could see was the longing in his stare and the feeling of his arms wrapped around her. Every professional, platonic interaction felt distant and removed, almost as if they had never really been as innocent as she thought. Every conversation felt tainted, as if she only now understood herself.

But that would be ridiculous. They were adults, and they were fully capable of interacting without tearing each other’s clothes off. It was just this apartment. It was distracting. Once they were back in the real world, everything would be fine.

Charlie remained uneasy, not fully trusting her own argument.

As Charlie tamed her wild bedhead into a ponytail, she tried to convince herself that nothing had really changed. She tried to reframe last night as a shared exercise to release pent-up stress shared by two consenting adults – and _nothing more_.

But the image of his gaze right before he kissed her – so tender and enamored – lingered persistently. And the way he said _“My Charlie…”_

Charlie felt herself slipping into an adoring haze at the thought, and she stopped herself forcefully.

Frustrated, Charlie tied her scrubs quickly and carelessly, creating a tight knot that held her pants uncomfortably tight against her waist, but she didn’t stop to fix it. Eager to get out of the bedroom and stop imagining Ethan’s naked body on top of hers, she left.

She hadn’t anticipated seeing Ethan so quickly, but she should have. Ethan’s apartment was large but not large enough to evade her forever.

Charlie nearly froze, gawking at him as if she’d never seen him before, but of course, _she_ had. And she was being ridiculous, so determined, she moved closer.

As she walked into the kitchen, she realized that the thought of him and his actual presence were two very different things. It was easier to convince herself of her apathy when he was distant, but up close, she felt silly, like every expression of indifference had been a lie she told herself. And it made her squirm.

“Good morning,” she offered with ease. She was faking, of course, but Ethan seemed to believe it.

Ethan’s body went rigid at the sound of her voice, and he hesitated to look in her direction. When he did, he was struck with her presence. Whatever hope he had that he could interact normally died the second he glanced at her lips. He had no idea what to say to her or how to say it.

How had they worked together for so long and shared so many words? Not even one came to mind.

Clearing his throat, Ethan asked, “How did you sleep?”

“Well,” Charlie didn’t look directly at him, instead directing her attention to the coffee machine on the counter between them, “You?”

“Same,” Ethan replied, turning his attention to the coffee as well.

Silence followed, and neither of them knew how to fill it.

It had always been so easy to talk, and now, it felt like a herculean task.

The truth was that they had a lot to say, but none of it was appropriate. Charlie wanted to tease him about her soreness, and he wanted to pretend as if she’d snored enough to wake all of Boston. They wanted to laugh and kiss and cook breakfast.

But they weren’t supposed to, so they didn’t.

“Coffee?” Ethan finally asked, and Charlie was grateful that he’d spoken so that she didn’t have to.

“That would be great,” she agreed, accepting the coffee with a smile that looked uncomfortable and almost forced. It made Ethan frown.

There was something profoundly depressing about looking at the person who meant the most to you and having nothing to say.

Ethan drank his coffee, leaning against the cabinets as Charlie settled on a barstool. He watched her with the same intensity he studied a patient, and more than once, Charlie met his gaze and dropped it. Her fingers twitched to smooth his hair and straighten his lopsided collar, and she held them tight to the hot mug to burn them into submission.

“Are you going to the hospital today?” Ethan was nearly done with his coffee and running out of reasons to be staring at her, so he resorted to small talk. It irked him more than it usually did. He’d held her as she unloaded her problems the night before, and now he could only ask about her morning plans.

“I want to check on Kyra,” Charlie confirmed, a cloud of disappointment passing over her.

The night her best friend learned her cancer had spread, Charlie left her bedside and fucked her boss. Surely, that made her a bad person, right?

Charlie felt a strange need to convince herself of her wrongdoing. Part of her wanted this to be _bad_ – terrible, even. It must have been a selfish act to break so many rules and expose themselves to such unhappiness, but she couldn’t quite convince herself that it was. She needed him last night…

And _that_ was the part that left her uncomfortable.

She’d needed him so badly that she came to him on instinct. He’d told her to go home, and she’d come here.

“How are you holding up?” Ethan was surprised by his own question. It felt dangerously intimate, and he wasn’t sure he could act professionally when he saw such vulnerability on her face.

Charlie thought about the question for a while before shrugging. She wanted her response to be casual, and she tried her hardest. “I don’t know. I mean, I’m terrified of losing her, but… I can’t make her fight. I can’t make her go through hell if she’s ready to let go.”

She couldn’t maintain her nonchalance, and her voice cracked at the end. She averted her eyes, quickly wiping at her cheeks to hide the oncoming tears.

She didn’t want to cry. She really didn’t want to.

Ethan’s arms were nearly in pain from the effort to hold her, and his heart ached violently. He remembered losing Delores – the absolute, unnerving loss that made him feel hollow. And Charlie sat with him that night…

He owed her the same.

So, in spite of all of his rules, Ethan put down his coffee cup and crossed the short distance to Charlie. She watched him with confusion and, to her own surprise, _hope_ – hope that he would just hold her and make everything better.

Ethan’s arms wrapped around her with familiar ease, and Charlie fell into his embrace, her face buried in his chest. His steady heartbeat calmed her, allowing her to relax and steady her own breathing to mirror his.

“I lied to you yesterday,” Charlie admitted carefully, not moving away from him but leaning further as if trying to draw on his strength.

“How so?” Ethan was cautious, trying to quell the concern threatening to overtake him. He just wanted to make her feel safe, but he knew it wasn’t his place. 

“I told you I could handle this,” Charlie responded, thinking back to Kyra’s MRI. He’d asked her if she was prepared for what it would mean to stand beside her friend and potentially lose her. He’d tried to warn her of what she would encounter and the hard decisions she would make, but Charlie wasn’t ready to hear it. Despite her insistence that she understood, she hadn’t taken him seriously because she was sure Kyra would fight this. She’d never anticipated that Kyra would give up…

“No one can handle this, Charlie,” Ethan assured her, “We just tell ourselves we can and hope we never have to find out.”

Charlie nodded thoughtfully, biting her lower lip as she tried to swallow the emotion rising in her chest.

“I know that you’re angry with her,” Ethan ventured, unsure if he was going too far, but he felt that it needed to be said, “You want her to fight, but she’s already fought so hard. This is her choice, Charlie, and if you stay angry, you’ll waste the time you have left.”

Ethan thought about Delores and how horrified he’d been when she refused the emergency procedure for the sake of her unborn son. He’d wanted to override her decision and do what had to be done to save her, and when he’d lost her, he’d wrestled with his own guilt and his resentment for her stubborn refusal. He was horrified by his own anger, worried it corrupted his grief. It had taken time to reconcile the two emotions and forgive them both.

And he wanted to save Charlie from it. He wanted to save her from all of it.

Charlie squeezed him, nodding against his chest as she absorbed his lesson. After a beat, she pulled away, wiping at her eyes as she awkwardly chuckled, “Careful, Dr. Ramsey. You’re starting to sound wise.”

Despite himself, Ethan laughed in response and pushed her hair out of her eyes. He liked making her laugh, especially when he knew she needed it. “Need I remind you that I wrote your textbook?”

Charlie narrowed her eyes, secretly relieved to distract herself with their banter, “ _Of course,_ you would bring that up.”

Ethan shrugged as he released her, a playful smile on his lips, and Charlie felt a swell of heat in her stomach. _What she’d like to do to that mouth…_

She chastised herself at the thought, watching as he walked to his door to pick up his keys, “I’ll drive you to the hospital.”

“I’m perfectly capable of getting there,” Charlie insisted incredulously, “I don’t need you to drive me.

Ethan waved off her resistance, collecting his keys, “Your phone is charging in the kitchen, and your shoes are around here somewhere. We’ll leave in five minutes.”

“Ethan, I’m serious. I can walk to the hospital,” Charlie called out to him, but he ignored her.

“I’m driving you.”

“Ethan!” she was more persistent now, growing annoyed. She crossed her arms as he ignored her opposition and returned to his bedroom to get his phone. She fumed at his disregard, tempted to collect her stuff and run out of his apartment before he could stop her. How could one man be so frustrating?

But she didn’t leave. Part of her wanted him to be there with her, even if he was being an asshole about it. Instead, she collected her shirt and shoes, and after quickly changing, she waited in Ethan’s living room for him to return. He didn’t hide his surprise that she’d stayed, but he didn’t dare address it as she glared at him from across the room. He took the victory, and she begrudgingly allowed him to drive her to Edenbrook.

It was late enough that no one saw them exit the car together. Neither of them expected to come in to work today, so they’d missed the morning rush. Charlie was thankful that none of her friends had seen them together, and she was particularly relieved to not run into June as they entered the hospital. Ethan walked with her as long as he could, but when he could no longer follow, he stopped her.

“I’ll be in my office,” he nodded in that direction, “If you need me, I’m there.”

He wasn’t entirely sure that he should be making such an offer, especially after what they’d done. He was already in danger of getting _too_ close, and this was hardly a step in the right direction. Yet, when he imagined cutting her off to cleanse her from his system, he couldn’t fathom doing it. Right now, she needed him. He would just have to be careful…

“Thanks, Eth- _Dr. Ramsey_ ,” Charlie corrected herself.

The distance that the name “Dr. Ramsey” created felt uncomfortable, but she convinced herself that it was necessary. They were at work. He couldn’t be _Ethan_ here.

Ethan nodded, squeezing her shoulder before walking away. Truthfully, he didn’t want to leave her. He would have gladly cemented himself to her side and comforted her through the entire ordeal. But that was the problem, wasn’t it? He always wanted to be close.

Alone, Charlie walked to Kyra’s hospital room, hesitating at the door. When she closed her eyes, she could see Kyra’s lifeless form on her office, and the sight stung. She remembered her night by Kyra’s hospital bed, watching as she slept and resisting the urge to check her pulse every five minutes. It was no wonder that the night nurse kicked her out…

Once Charlie felt collected enough to enter, she knocked on the door. _No answer._ Charlie knocked again, and again, no answer.

After waiting for a beat, Charlie entered the hospital room and found it empty.

 _Of course_.

Charlie slumped, letting out an annoyed sigh. When she left the room, she caught sight of a nurse who shrugged silently. Charlie was sure that Kyra hadn’t listened when that nurse urged her to stay in bed. It was unlikely for Kyra to listen to anyone after she’d put her mind to something.

Charlie knew exactly where she went. Taking the stairs two at a time, she went to the administrative wing and weaved through the maze of hallways until she found Kyra’s office. Before she even opened the door, she could hear Kyra’s fast typing and soft music, and when she entered, there she was – at her desk as if nothing was wrong.

Kyra’s eyes flew to the door, but when she recognized Charlie, she slumped back in her chair and turned her attention to her computer.

“What are you doing here?” she asked casually, now typing.

“I came to visit my friend in her hospital room, but apparently, I missed her” Charlie raised an eyebrow as she sat opposite of Kyra’s desk, the accusation in her voice not going undetected by Kyra.

This was the second time that Charlie caught Kyra at her desk instead of her bed. The first time, Charlie was horrified that Kyra checked herself out and went back to work so quickly after collapsing. She’d been even more concerned with Kyra’s cavalier attitude. Charlie insisted that she return to bed, but Kyra brushed her off. Frustrated, Charlie tried to make her understand how grave the situation was, but she couldn’t make her fight the cancer. In the end, Charlie gave her the diagnosis, and when she expressed concern that Kyra wasn’t taking her seriously, she’d been kicked out.

Charlie wasn’t going to make the same mistake twice.

“Are you here to yell at me again?” Kyra mumbled sarcastically, “Or has my cancer miraculously spread to the rest of my body?”

“No.”

Kyra looked up from her computer screen, meeting her gaze. She seemed to take Charlie’s surprising response as a challenge.

“I’m here to take you to breakfast.”

“Breakfast?” Kyra repeated incredulously.

Charlie nodded, trying to remember the speech she’d prepared while walking to her office. The words felt jumbled now, all of the poetic phrases gone. So, with a meaningful sigh and apologetic smile, she clarified, “I wanted to apologize.”

Kyra’s eyebrows raised, silently urging her to continue.

“I love you, Kyra,” Charlie was surprised by the emotion in her voice, and she felt a surge of tears threatening to fall down her cheeks. Trying to shake them off, she continued, “You’re my best friend. If I could, I would spend the rest of my days fighting this with you, but this is your decision. Yesterday, I didn’t understand that. I was selfish because I don’t want to lose you. But I can’t make you go through hell just because I love you. I support you, even if I disagree with what you’re doing. Even if it kills me, I’ll be here for you every step of the way.”

“It won’t kill you,” Kyra’s lips quirked up in a smirk, “It’ll kill _me._ ”

Charlie didn’t want to find that funny, but there something about Kyra’s gallows humor that made Charlie chuckle. _Charlie would miss her so much_ …

Offering a sad smile, she suggested, “All the more reason to eat pancakes now.”

“Thank you, Charlie. I love you, too,” Kyra was uncharacteristically serious, her eyes growing soft as she dropped her humorous façade, and Charlie could see the fear in her eyes. It made her heart shatter.

“Stop it. I cried too much yesterday to cry now,” Charlie asserted, wiping at her red eyes, “If I keep going, people will be afraid to walk into supply closets because they’ll expect to see me crying on the floor.”

Kyra laughed, and as she did, she tilted her head, watching her carefully. And if Charlie wasn’t mistaken, there was something suspicious in her gaze.

“Something’s different about you.”

“Oh?” Charlie asked, trying to suppress her rising panic. Did Kyra know? How could she know? No, she was just being paranoid.

“For one, you look like hell today.”

“Just for that, I’m not buying you hash browns anymore,” Charlie evaded her suspicions, trying to turn attention to their breakfast date.

“For another, Sienna visited me this morning and asked if I’d seen you.”

 _Fuck_.

Charlie remembered her promise to Sienna the night before. She’d assured her that, after staying with Kyra for a few more hours, she would go home, but she never had. And she’d never texted or called.

“What did you say?” Charlie tried not to show her concern, but she failed.

“I told her that you stayed with me late into the night, which I know you did because the night nurse bragged about finally kicking you out. Then, when she told me that she wasn’t sure if you ever came home last night, I said that I was pretty sure that you did,” Kyra explained, and Charlie looked visibly relieved, “I told her that you came to visit me early this morning and that you probably went back to the apartment to sleep once everyone was at work.”

Charlie was silent, but Kyra didn’t need her to speak to have her suspicions confirmed.

“Where were you, Charlie?”

Charlie shrugged, “Home, like you said.”

“Liar,” Kyra leaned closer, her eyes sparkling mischievously, “If you don’t tell me, I’ll have to conclude you were with someone. Who was it?”

“I’m not lying,” Charlie insisted, “I was at home.”

“ _Charlie_ ,” Kyra warned her, “There’s only one person you’d lie to me about.”

Charlie averted her gaze, mumbling an incoherent assertion that she really was home, but neither of them believed her.

“You were with Ethan Ramsey.”

A flash of panic flushed Charlie’s skin, exposing the truth before she could imply otherwise. It had been less than an hour, and she had already been found out. _Shit_.

“I…” Charlie began to protest, but she knew it was useless. Slumping into her chair, she admitted, “I was distraught, okay? I felt like everything was falling apart, and I didn’t want to go home after the fight I started at the baseball game. I didn’t even mean to go to his apartment. I just found myself at his door, and he let me in.”

“Charlie!” Even though Kyra had suspected as much, she was still shocked by Charlie’s confession, “Did you two… you know?“ Kyra motioned crudely, making Charlie scoff, but she didn’t answer the question, which was an answer in itself.

Kyra’s jaw fell open as she gaped at her friend, “ _Charlie_!”

“I didn’t mean to!” Charlie tried to defend herself weakly.

“What were you thinking?” Kyra couldn’t believe what she was hearing, “You know what happened last time you two did something like this. He ran away to the Amazon, and you spent the next three months depressed and crying yourself to sleep. Raf won’t even talk to you after everything that happened with you two.”

“I didn’t mean to,” Charlie protested yet again, but Kyra cut her off.

“I know you didn’t mean to. Neither of you meant for it to get that bad, but together…” Kyra tried to find the right words, but she failed. Whatever Charlie and Ethan had defied reason, and attempting to explain it only caused a headache, “You two are just better apart.”

Charlie nodded, fighting back the disappointment she felt. Kyra was right. Kyra had to be right. She was saying everything that Charlie had been saying for months.

But something about hearing it now made Charlie’s heart sink.

Secretly, Charlie hoped that Kyra would approve. She’d hoped that Kyra would tell her to live her life and not waste it on arbitrary rules. She thought that Kyra would encourage her to follow him and chase the high that she felt when they were together.

But Kyra didn’t.

Charlie swallowed her disappointment and murmured, “You’re right.”

Kyra held out her hand, offering it to Charlie, and when she took it, Kyra gave her a comforting squeeze, “I’m saying it because I love you, Charlie.”

“I know,” Charlie squeezed her hand back, forcing a smile, and Kyra sighed at the sad glint in her friend’s eyes.

“I’m sorry, Charlie…” Kyra apologized, and as Charlie faced her, she knew she was apologizing for much more than disapproving of her fling.

“Stop it,” Charlie squeezed her hand again, making the smile wider, “We’re not going to be sad. We’re going to stuff our faces with pancakes and bacon, okay?”

“Yeah,” Kyra nodded, wiping at her eyes but laughing it off, “Why don’t you go pick it up, and we can have a picnic in here?”

“Sounds like a deal,” Charlie agreed, standing and reluctantly releasing her hand, “But only if you agree to blow off work during our picnic.”

“Oh, 1000%.”

Charlie laughed, and with one last glance over at Kyra – just one, just to make sure she was really okay – Charlie left her office. As she left the administrative wing, she started an online order with a nearby brunch place, determined not to make her best friend eat hospital food after learning that her cancer had spread. She’d just finished placing the order when she found herself on a familiar hallway.

 _His hallway_.

Charlie froze, her eyes instinctively going to the door at the end of the hall – his door.

She remembered what he’d said, that he would just be on the other side of that door if she needed him. And suddenly, she realized that she did – that she likely always had. And she really wanted to step inside.

But Kyra was right. Together, they were volatile and reckless. It was best that it ended here.

Charlie wasn’t sure how long she stood there, mindlessly staring at the door, but after enough time, it opened. Charlie jumped, surprised to see a pair of eyes replace the faceless wood.

Ethan paused in the doorway, immediately locking his gaze on Charlie. He watched silently, unsure of what she would do. He waited, and he belatedly realized that he felt hope. He wanted her to walk into his office. He wanted her to feel safe with him.

But he realized it too late. Because, by the time he could articulate his thoughts, Charlie had already torn her eyes from his and walked away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll admit that this chapter isn't exactly what I hoped it would be, but I hope you enjoyed it!


	4. The Heist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ethan and Charlie are supposed to be keeping their distance, but when June shares information about a high profile patient at Mass Kenmore worth poaching, maybe they have a reason to spend the day together after all...

Breakfast dragged into brunch and then lunch, and before long, their feast was gone. The impromptu picnic in Kyra’s office eventually had to end, and Kyra returned to work, despite joking that she would happily skip the rest of the day if Charlie agreed to take her out for ice cream. Even after breakfast ended, Charlie stayed with Kyra, feigning necessary errands on her phone. She felt an overwhelming urge to stay with her friend and make sure that she was okay. But when Charlie ran out of excuses to linger in Kyra’s office, she had to let go.

Charlie should have gone home, taken a shower, changed into clean clothes, and gotten some sleep. She should have taken the rest of the day for herself and done everything in her power to erase the memory of last night with Ethan.

But Charlie didn’t want to – not yet.

Instead of leaving the hospital, Charlie took a detour to the diagnostics wing of the Edenbrook, stopping at the nurse’s station for a cursory glance at a few charts to check yesterday’s work. After Kyra’s collapse and subsequent diagnosis, Charlie was in a daze. She’d put everything into her work that day, desperate to focus on people she could help to avoid thinking about the one person she couldn’t heal. Still, Charlie worried that, in her panic and grief, she’d made a mistake.

So, she decided to check.

Charlie had just settled into a desk and was tackling the first set of charts when she heard a familiar voice.

“I thought you weren’t working today,” Danny’s voice surprised her, but when she looked up, she smiled. She let out a secret sigh of relief, thankful that it was a friendly face rather than an annoyed friend. Just as she avoided Kyra’s diagnosis, she avoided the tensions at home. They felt too big and broad to tackle, especially after she’d disappeared for the night and failed to warn her roommates.

“I’m not. I just came to check on Kyra and look over some charts. I’ll be out of your hair soon,” Charlie assured him.

“I’m not the person you need to worry about,” Danny raised an eyebrow, and Charlie didn’t need to ask to know that he was talking about Sienna.

“Is she that mad?” Charlie’s voice, despite her best attempts, betrayed the concern she’d relegated to the back of her mind. Yes, Charlie loved all of her friends, but Sienna was different. Sienna stood by her, no matter her mistake. She’d stayed up late into the night to let Charlie cry on her shoulder, and even when Sienna went dark, she brought out the light in Charlie. And Charlie repaid her by getting angry when she failed to take her side when Charlie confronted Aurora. Then, as she tangled in Ethan’s sheets, she failed to even text Sienna that she was alright.

Charlie felt a wash of sobering regret.

What did their fight even mean? If life was _this_ fragile, why did she care about a stupid fight on a baseball field?

“She’s worried,” Danny admitted, his voice softer somehow, “You should talk to her. She wants to forgive you, she just needs you to ask.”

Charlie nodded, chewing on her lower lip, “I will. Thank you, Danny.”

Danny paused, suddenly visibly uncomfortable, and Charlie slowly understood that he was thinking about Kyra. He wasn’t sure how to talk about it with her, though he shouldn’t feel bad about it. Nobody knew how to talk to Charlie about Kyra, not after yesterday.

“I’m sorry about Kyra,” Danny placed a hand on Charlie’s shoulder, and she awkwardly sniffled and averted her eyes. She didn’t want to cry. No, she _wasn’t_ going to cry.

“Thanks, Danny,” Charlie meant what she said, even if she seemed uncomfortable saying it.

Danny squeezed her shoulder reassuringly, giving her a friendly smile as he added, “If you ever need me, you know where I am.”

“That’s why you’re the best,” Charlie felt more normal saying this. She’d said it a million times before when Danny went above and beyond for a patient or helped her out of a tight spot. His high opinion of Charlie went a long way in convincing the nursing staff to trust her after Landry’s schemes during her first year. She owed a lot of her success to her friendship with Danny.

But as he walked away, she wondered if it would always be like this. Would she always have to smile awkwardly as someone shared their condolences? Would she have to listen to assurances from people who could never understand? Would she have to hear about all of Kyra’s amiable qualities from people who had never even met her? And how long would this last? When would people stop staring? When would they stop asking?

When could she grieve in peace?

Charlie tried to distract herself by turning her attention back to work. The first few charts were easy to check. They were all simple cases, and they’d been resolved hours before Kyra’s collapse. One was tricky, but Charlie detected no failure or mistake in her work. And then…

_Kyra’s chart._

Just like that, everything else was gone.

She couldn’t run from the file in her hand, nor could she pretend it didn’t exist. She felt an overwhelming urge to try anyway, to put it away and go home like she never even saw it. The thought made her squirm. She was never the one to run and give up on a patient. Though she knew better, she held a deep, dark conviction that she could save everyone if she just tried hard enough.

But now, there was no trying hard enough. There was merely buying time.

Still, Charlie opened the chart because, secretly, she still hoped for a miracle.

Not that she ever found one.

She read every note, every order, and every prescription in Kyra’s thick chart. She studied the scans, even when her eyes watered and begged for her to look away. She researched every ailment, weaving her way through twisted webs of medical journals and online resources. Every glimmer of hope disappointed her in the end, and with panic rising in her body, she saw the truth lurking in every word she read.

_There’s no hope._

Charlie’s skin burned with the revelation, but she didn’t tear herself away. She kept reading, and reality grew sour in her mouth. There’s no time left.

_Kyra’s going to die._

Charlie’s chest tightened, anxiety rooting in her limbs and spreading through the rest of her body. She could feel it overwhelm her gradually. She couldn’t hear the hospital around her, nor could she see anything beyond the screen in front of her, but she wasn’t sure when they disappeared. Time, if it had ever existed, was gone now. There was this – _and only this_.

This is what it felt like to stop running.

And Charlie didn’t know how to sit in it, but she knew she was too close to start running again. Whatever she felt had decided it was time she felt it, and there was nothing more she could do. The tide pulled her under, and she the tears stained her cheeks before she knew she was crying.

 _I’m going to lose her,_ Charlie thought, _I can’t save her._

And it was too much.

All of it was too much.

She’d promised Kyra strength, but she didn’t know where to find it.

Time felt like it was moving too quickly, and Charlie desperately attempted to suppress her panic as she abruptly got up from her chair, shoved it back into place, and got the hell out of the nurse’s station. She instinctively went to the supply closet, and she didn’t let out her breath until the door had safely closed behind her.

When she released her breath, it came out ragged and sharp, and she doubled over as she attempted to catch it. She didn’t bother turning on the lights, and in the dark, there was nothing else to focus on. There was nowhere left to hide, and she braced for the oncoming wave of helplessness.

Charlie wanted to scream. She wanted to smash that door and destroy everything she touched. She wanted the rest of the world to devolve into chaos just as her life had. She wanted everyone else to feel the deeply uncomfortable certainty that everything was wrong and that nothing made sense.

After months of suppression, Charlie could still name everything that weighed on her, keeping her up late into the night.

The budget cuts and the financial stress it caused. The uncertainty of the free clinic. The fate of the diagnostics team and the ethics they had to disregard to save it. The way that Ethan looked at her when she commercialized the diagnostics team. The love she felt for him that she denied with her every breath. Her distrust of June. Her friends and patients that she failed to save. The patient she’d lost to Mass Kenmore and the friendship she’d ruined in the process. Her betrayal of Rafael. Her inability to cure Kyra. 

Everything she’d done wrong couldn’t stay inside, and it poured out of her with each painful sob.

Charlie fell to the floor, still trying to fight it off as she hung her head between her knees. She didn’t want to face it. She didn’t want to feel it. She longed for the innocence of the girl who first walked into Edenbrook. It was all easier then…

She was vaguely aware that she wished Ethan was there with her.

But she let that thought fall in with all the others. If she was going to face all of her repressed feelings, she might as well include him on the list.

 _Click_.

Charlie’s breath hitched at the sound, and before she could even process that someone had joined her, the room was full of light. In the blinding haze, she almost thought she saw Ethan, but she was wrong.

It took Charlie a moment to realize that she was staring at June Hirata, but when she did, the all-consuming panic was replaced with absolute horror. Out of everyone who could have walked in, this had to be the worst option.

“Dr. Greene?”

_Fuck._

Charlie hurriedly wiped at her eyes, hoping that she could hide her tears, but the effort was futile. It was evident that she had been crying, yet Charlie scrambled to stand, nodding at June as if everything was normal.

“Dr. Hirata.”

“What is going on here?” June closed the door behind her, an unfamiliar glint in her eyes. Charlie expected to feel like prey under June’s stare, all of her flaws and vulnerabilities being collected for future use against her, but Charlie was surprised to find no menacing threat in her colleague’s expression. If anything, she looked concerned.

“I was just, um,” Charlie looked around frantically, grabbing the first supply box she found, “I was just doing inventory.” Her voice cracked, exposing her terrible lie, but even without the crack, June didn’t believe her.

“Why are you crying in a supply closet?” June arched an eyebrow, daring her to lie.

Charlie knew she was supposed to lie anyway. After June confronted her about her previous relationship with Ethan, Charlie had been careful around her. More than once, Charlie had been fooled by June’s charm and endearing attempts at connection. She doubted that she would see through June’s masterful manipulation if she had been made a target. To protect herself, it was easier to remove herself from June’s study and limit all information she gave her. Though, if she were honest, she wasn’t even sure what she was protecting herself from.

Charlie opened her mouth, hoping a lie would effortlessly fall out, but she was surprised to feel that panic bubble in her chest again.

And she couldn’t stop herself.

“The clinic is probably closing because the goddamn hospital can't catch a break, and my friend's cancer has spread and I can't help her anymore and-"

"Whoa, okay, you need to calm down,” June interrupted, “You're a grown adult, you've got to stop throwing a tantrum in a closet. At _work_."

If June noticed the irritation in Charlie’s reaction, she didn’t let on, and Charlie swore that the concern she’d seen in June’s face had turned to condescension.

“I don’t remember asking for your opinion, but if I did, I would remind you that I hid in a closet to make this a _private tantrum_ ,” Charlie glared, “Not that this is any of your business, but I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do! I’ve been trying to keep myself together all day, but it’s too much—”

“Your job involves life or death, and as long as you stand in this hospital, you need to be able to handle that. As your colleague, that makes your ‘tantrum,’ my business,” June’s face was even, and no matter how hard she tried, Charlie couldn’t find a discernable emotion in it. June took her silence as an invitation to continue, “You need to snap out of it, _now_. Would it help if I slap you?”

“Slap me?” Charlie repeated incredulously.

“It’s just a suggestion,” June shrugged nonchalantly like she regularly offered to slap her colleagues. For a moment, Charlie wondered if she did.

After pausing, Charlie surprised herself with her consent.

“Fine, slap me.”

June’s palm whipped sharply against Charlie’s cheek, and she let out a gasp of surprise and pain.

The sting of her skin grounded Charlie, and once more, she could center her energy on a distraction. Everything else faded to the background, and as the anxiety dissipated, she swore she could feel it burrow into her soul, waiting for another quiet moment to resurface. 

But at least it was gone now.

“Well?” June asked, and Charlie was shocked by how casual she seemed.

“I mean, your slap didn’t magically fix everything, but…” Charlie almost didn’t want to admit the effectiveness, but eventually, she affirmed, “It worked.”

“Excellent,” June smiled, and Charlie thought it might actually be real, “Now, in comprehensible English, explain what happened. And don’t say it’s your friend or the budget cuts, because I know you. You’re a doctor, you can handle bad news. This is something else. Something new.”

Charlie’s jaw clenched as she listened, angry at June’s disregard for Kyra’s diagnosis. She thought it was hard to be surrounded by well-meaning sympathy, but if the other option was for Kyra to be marginalized, she would gladly take awkward hugs over June’s flagrant disrespect.

“I’ve never felt this helpless,” Charlie admitted, still observing June as if she hadn’t yet decided if she was an enemy or friend, “I know I can’t save everyone, not even Kyra. But I thought I could save Edenbrook so that it could save others.”

Charlie felt exposed and vulnerable, and she suddenly saw a benefit to June. Even if she didn’t trust June enough to exhibit this part of her, Charlie was relieved that someone could make it come out again. She felt like there were more options than just running all the time.

“Charlie, Edenbrook isn’t lost yet,” June’s voice was unexpectedly tender, and it encouraged Charlie to not retreat just yet.

“It’s starting to feel that way. Especially when Mass Kenmore is undermining us at every turn.”

June’s face lit up, and the shift took Charlie aback. Confused, Charlie crossed her arms defensively as June smiled.

“I heard something from a little birdie I know over at Mass Kenmore. Something that might let us turn the tables on them for stealing our patient.”

“Revenge?” Charlie asked skeptically, “What would that solve?”

“It might make you feel better,” June offered, knowing that it was precisely what Charlie wanted.

Charlie wanted to feel better. She wanted to be relieved from the weight on her back. She just wanted a win. And she was willing to go farther than she should to get it.

June filled the ensuing silence, “Ed Farrugia, the Massachusetts senator, was admitted to Mass Kenmore yesterday with a mysterious illness.”

“The 2024 presidential hopeful?”

“The very same,” June smiled slyly, “Tobias is treating him _personally_.”

“I can only imagine how smug he is about that,” Charlie said mostly to herself. She thought about his behavior at the baseball game. He’d been so eager to lord his victory over her. Without a second thought, he betrayed his prized mentee for the pleasure of upsetting Charlie. He hadn’t cared about Aurora enough to protect her mistake, and he’d threatened her friendships for his own amusement. Charlie wondered if she or Aurora meant anything in Tobias’s game or if they were casualties in a decade long feud with Ethan.

“Wrenching his prize patient away from him would certainly be one way to topple his ego,” June seemed to be reading Charlie’s mind, and the thought made her squirm.

“You’re talking about sneaking into our rival hospital and convincing a patient to transfer to us?” Charlie felt ridiculous just saying it out loud. What sane person would even think of such a plan, let alone carry it out?

“I’m just suggesting you get even. Tobias did it first,” June’s voice was different – more seductive, somehow. Charlie felt like she was being pulled under by the current of June’s suggestion, but she didn’t resist, “It wouldn't hurt Edenbrook to have someone in D.C. fighting for us. But if you don't think it's worth it…”

June trailed off, waiting for Charlie to answer.

“That’s not what I said,” Charlie averted her gaze, “Would you… Would you help me if I went through it with it?”

June shook her head, “I’m swamped with patients. There’s no way I could get away, but if there’s anything I can do to help from here, just say the word. In fact,” her eyes lit up, “You should check with Ethan. He has privileges at Kenmore. He could get you in there.”

Charlie’s spine straightened at Ethan’s name. The last time June talked about Ethan, she revealed that she knew about their affair and propositioned Charlie to join forces against him to influence the diagnostics team.

June offered a final, encouraging smile and left. Alone, Charlie sank back into the closet. She felt like she was walking into a trap but hadn’t yet found the trick, and she tried to quell her own curiosity by thinking of all the ways this could go wrong. But when she thought about the alternative of going home and letting Tobias win, she couldn’t stop herself.

* * *

“ _Out of the question_ ,” Ethan declared, his firm expression dangerously similar to the one he’d had when he’d reprimanded Charlie as an intern. When she’d first walked into Ethan’s office, he looked confused and concerned, likely thinking that she was taking his offer to come to him if she had trouble with Kyra, but as she explained her plan to break into Mass Kenmore and steal a patient, she’d watched as that apprehension faded into disapproval. Before he’d even opened his mouth, she knew his answer.

“Listen, I know I sound crazy-“ Charlie began, placing a hand on his desk as she leaned closer. She was prepared to start from the beginning and hope that he either accepted her reasoning or grew tired of her repetition and relented.

“Good, I’m glad you recognize it,” Ethan cut her off, standing to meet her gaze. He towered over her, likely for the purpose of intimidating her, yet the new proximity made Charlie momentarily forget her mission. His aftershave tickled her nose and carried intoxicating memories of being close to him, and Charlie’s cheeks flushed as she tried to force them out of her mind.

 _It’s just Ethan,_ she thought, _You don’t need to blush just standing next to him._

But he was Ethan, and more often than not, that was the problem.

“You’re suggesting that we break into a rival hospital and poach a high-profile patient. I know you’re intelligent, so I know that you also realize that this is _absurd_ ,” Ethan managed to emphasize the ludicrousness of every word. A younger Charlie would have fallen into submission, but the woman in front of him now defiantly stared back. If it hadn’t been so inconvenient, he would have been proud.

“I never said this was a rational plan,” Charlie attempted to shrug off his concerns, “But you and I both know that we’re the better hospital. He should be treated _here_.”

“Of course, we’re the better hospital,” Ethan seemed exasperated, “But the man made his choice. It isn’t up to you to save everyone, Charlie.”

He could tell that he’d hit a nerve by the sudden rigidity in Charlie’s posture. She averted her emerald eyes and bit her cheek as if attempting to hold something back.

And Ethan worried.

He needed to help, but he didn’t know how. His instinct to stay away wilted under the intensity of his desire to stand with her.

“Charlie, what the fuck?” his voice was softer now, and his head ducked down to look at her. It defeated the purpose of standing and using his height as an intimidation tool, but he no longer wanted to intimidate, “Your eyes are red. I know you’ve been crying… And your cheek, it’s…” Ethan placed a hand on her jaw, shifting her face so that he could inspect the red splotch on her face. Her skin burned at the contact, momentarily distracted by the unexpected affection, “Charlie, did someone _slap you_?”

“Just, um, June,” Charlie waved her hand as if it would wave off further questions, “But she asked if she could.”

“ _What?_ ” Ethan released her jaw, allowing her to look directly at him again.

“She was just trying to help,” Charlie fidgeted, “I was crying in the supply closet-“

“You were crying in the supply closet?” Ethan’s heart ached as he repeated her.

When she’d first come into his office, he presumed that her visit was a response to his offer for her to come to him if she needed emotional support. It was the only reason he was still in the office. There was no need for him to work today, and any necessary research for tomorrow could have easily been completed from the comfort of his apartment. He stayed because he worried she would need him. When she started talking about this ridiculous plan instead, he assumed that she’d faired surprisingly well with the emotional stress.

Now, he knew that she _hadn’t_ faired well. She’d run to a closet instead of him.

He was startled by his profound disappointment in himself. He just wanted her to feel safe, but if she needed to hide in a closet, he’d failed.

“Yes, I just overwhelmed myself going through Kyra’s chart. It’s on me,” Charlie said it like she didn’t really care, and he didn’t believe her, “But that’s not important. What _is_ important is that June told me about the patient, and with or without you, I’m going to talk to him.”

“Of course, Hirata came up with this idea. She will do anything to get her way. She doesn’t play by the rules,” Ethan felt unusually resentful of Hirata. It wasn’t the first time he’d resented her unorthodox and potentially unethical behavior, but he wondered if he resented her for the suggestion or for the fact she’d been there with Charlie when it should have been him.

“Maybe she’s right,” Charlie laughed, disillusioned, “Nobody else plays by them.”

“I won’t stoop to Carrick’s level, Charlie. Next time, we’ll beat him fair and square,” Ethan said it with such force that he expected it to be the final word on the matter, but Charlie didn’t let him end the conversation.

“ _Fair_? Life isn’t fair. You told me that. If we keep taking the high road, we will lose Edenbrook.”

Ethan paused thoughtfully. He didn’t like how right she sounded. He’d always followed the rules, even if he often disagreed with the authority that determined them. And where had it gotten him? Hopelessly in love with a woman he couldn’t have and on the verge of losing the hospital that he dedicated his life to?

“I suppose you have a point,” Ethan conceded.

“You have privileges there, Ethan. All you have to do is help me through the door. I’ll talk to Farrugia,” Charlie pleaded, her eyes desperately searching his for a clue about where his mind was at.

Ethan held his breath, pacing around his desk. Charlie watched him silently as he contemplated his options, and with a resigned sigh, Ethan relented.

“Dear lord, it appears we’re going through with this, doesn’t it?” Ethan looked disappointed in himself, but he wasn’t sure if Charlie had ever looked prouder.

She beamed back, and for a moment, her smile was enough to distract him from the terrible decision they were making.

* * *

Even as Ethan walked through the front doors of Mass Kenmore, he couldn’t believe that he’d actually consented to this ridiculous scheme. When Charlie went to the locker room to change scrubs and put on his spare coat, he’d half-expected her to return, having decided not to follow through with it. The entire drive, he’d waited for her to call off their plan, but she’d remained firm.

Had she not looked so damned determined, he might have said something discouraging, but if she was going to do it anyway, he might as well have helped.

Absentmindedly, he recognized the irony of him calling her reckless the night before but then aiding her latest reckless act.

“I still don’t know how I let you talk me into this,” Ethan turned his head to mutter in Charlie’s ear, and the heat of his breath on her skin caused her heart to stop. She shrugged to distract him from the obvious physical reaction she had to his words.

One man should not affect her so effortlessly.

“You don’t like to say no to me,” she smirked, eyes still ahead as she focused on not getting caught.

He laughed quietly, and he struggled to tear his eyes away from her. While changing, she’d washed her face and applied something to soothe the red mark on her cheek. Now, she looked less fragile and more like herself, but he still felt the need to tread carefully. He knew she was still in pain, but he liked knowing that he’d made her smile.

Luckily, Ethan could quickly distract himself as they approached the I.D. attendant.

“I.D., please,” he ordered, and Ethan produced his I.D. as Charlie stayed a step back.

“I’m on the security clearance list. I have research privileges here,” Ethan carefully leaned on one leg, further obscuring Charlie behind him.

“So you are. Thank you, Dr. Ramsey,” the attendant returned the I.D. before turning his attention to Charlie. He had to lean to his side to look directly at her, and once he caught her gaze, he told her, “I’ll need your I.D., ma’am.”

“She’s with me, obviously,” Ethan’s eyes narrowed, and Charlie swore that his face turned red with indignation.

“I’m sorry, but every doctor working here needs to be accounted for. Your I.D., ma’am,” he held out his hand expectantly.

 _Fuck_.

“I-um…” Charlie desperately tried to think of a way out of this, but she came up empty-handed.

“Surely, you can look her up, yes? I can’t possibly manage my research without a resident on hand to help record the trial data,” Ethan quickly saved her, and thankfully, the attendant looked back to him.

“Yes, I can do that. Just one moment,” he reached for a nearby tablet, and as he opened a program, he asked, “What’s the name?”

“Joan Smith,” Ethan answered for her, and the attendant’s eyes briefly flew to Charlie’s for confirmation.

“Joan Smith, that’s me,” she confirmed.

The wait was agonizing, and just when Charlie felt like she might explode, the attendant looked up with an approving smile, “Here she is. Joan Smith, first-year resident. Thank you, Dr. Ramsey and Dr. Smith.”

Charlie had to pinch herself not to let out a deep sigh of relief, “Thank you.”

Ethan nodded his goodbye, pulling Charlie away before the attendant could potentially find a picture of the real Joan Smith and discover their deception. Once they were far enough away, Charlie looked up at him with amazed appreciation.

“How did you possibly guess that there’s an intern by that name here?” she laughed, “You’re not secretly having an affair with the enemy, are you?”

Ethan narrowed his eyes as he shook his head, pretending to be aggravated to hide his own surprise that she thought he wanted anyone but her, “I’m a diagnostician,” he boasted, “Observation is my job. Now, if you’re done staring at me…”

Charlie laughed softly, and she stared just a little bit longer.

“Now that we’re here, we need to find out where they would hide a high-profile senator,” Charlie scanned the area, feeling lost in the maze of hallways. It made her feel like a new intern again, terrified and overwhelmed by the dizzying complexity of hospital layouts.

“Unless you want to knock on every door in the building, we’ll need to go to their patient records,” Ethan was staring at the room nameplates as they passed, looking determined to find something particular.

“So, we need to _hack their files_. I like the sound of that,” Charlie teased, and though he rolled his eyes, he liked seeing her joke again.

“You’re having too much fun with this.”

“Forgive me for having fun on my first heist,” she nudged him, “Maybe you’re not having enou-“

Suddenly, Charlie went silent, eyes wide in panic as she stared down the corridor. Ethan looked around the hallway, too, in an unsuccessful attempt to locate whatever threat she had identified.

Landry Olsen obliviously continued down the hallway, attentively studying the chart in his hand. Though he didn’t see her now, he was on a direct path to Charlie, and if he just lifted her eyes, she would be exposed.

“Oh no,” she breathed, frantically looking around for an escape, “It’s Landry. If he sees me, he’ll know I’m up to something,”

“What?” Ethan was still looking around, trying not to arouse suspicion, but anyone who saw the pair could confirm that they’d failed at being inconspicuous.

Before Ethan could fully understand what was happening, Charlie had his hand in hers, pulling him into a nearby supply closet. Not bothering to turn on the lights, she tugged him inside and closed the door behind them.

And then they were alone.

Both in shock, they could only hear their own breathing and were transfixed on how close they’d come to being discovered. But as time passed, they realized that they were safe and they were… _alone together_.

Charlie’s shoulder touched Ethan’s as she shifted in the small space, and the contact only made her more aware of how familiar his body was. Last night, they’d been all over each other, and despite her attempts to clear her mind, she could still picture every inch of him. And she hadn’t forgotten how nice his touch was…

“Another supply closet,” Ethan cleared his throat, saying the first thing that came to mind so that he didn’t cave in to his deep desire to take advantage of the privacy. In the dim light, he could just make out the curves of her body and the shine of her eyes, and he had to stare ahead at the door to keep from touching her, “I’m starting to think that you’ve taken a shine to them today.”

Charlie nodded, struggling to overcome her tongue-tied distraction, and she weakly offered, “The other option was to push you in front of Landry to force you to talk to him.”

Ethan grunted at the idea of having to engage with Landry. He knew everything that he’d done to Charlie and how deeply his betrayal hurt her. If he hadn’t been instrumental in saving Naveen’s life, he would have had the intern fired. To keep him away, he’d given a glowing recommendation to Mass Kenmore and let out a relieved sigh when he accepted their offer. He would have gladly spent the rest of his life ignoring him.

“Well, thank you for that,” Ethan grumbled.

Another silence passed as Charlie failed to find something to say. All she could think about was how close he was…

“I haven’t hidden in a supply closet in almost a decade,” Ethan confessed, filling the silence once more.

“You hid in supply closets?” Charlie chuckled, “That’s kind of comforting.”

“Only during my intern year,” Ethan clarified, piquing Charlie’s interest.

“Why were you hiding? To cry or kiss someone?” Even in the darkness, Ethan could see the mischievous glint in her eyes as she spoke.

He accepted the challenge, raising an eyebrow as he lowered his voice to a seductive whisper, “What do you think?”

Charlie bit her lower lip as she felt drawn even closer to him. Her eyes lingered on his lips because, deep down, she knew that they would soothe the pain and frustration she felt. All she had to do was lean into him…

But Ethan didn’t let her.

Maybe it was an act of self-preservation on his part. Perhaps he didn’t want to make her feel even worse for breaking her rules yet again.

“I think… I think the coast might be clear,” Ethan whispered reluctantly.

As if suddenly coming back to the present, Charlie stepped away from him and carefully pushed the door open. After stepping out, they both surveyed the hallway before deciding to continue. Neither of them spoke, but they both knew that they were mentally still in that closet, wondering what would have happened if they hadn’t left.

When they stumbled on an empty administrative office, Ethan stepped inside as Charlie followed. They were surprised to find the computer unlocked, and as Ethan began looking through the computer, he muttered something about how irresponsible Mass Kenmore was to leave vulnerable information unprotected. Charlie stepped back, trying to look casual as she acted as a lookout.

After several minutes of searching the database, Ethan sighed.

“There’s no Farrugia anywhere in the hospital. Are we sure that June’s tip was reliable?” Ethan asked reluctantly, and a knot formed in Charlie’s stomach.

What if they did all of this for nothing?

“Um,” Charlie tried to shake the thought, “I think so. Could he be under a pseudonym? Would a hospital allow that?”

“It’s possible, especially for a high-profile patient, but that means we need to figure out what a senator neither of us has ever met would use as an alias,” Ethan was surprised by how disappointed he felt. With a tight chest, he watched Charlie slump into the door frame.

“Shit…” she chewed on her lower lip, “Maybe he wasn’t the one who came up with the alias? Do you think Tobias could have? He would have been the one to admit the senator, and it’s unlikely that he would pick a name at complete random.”

“He could have…” Ethan admitted, careful not to get his hopes up too high.

“Can you think of a name that might be meaningful for Tobias?” Charlie’s voice was so hopeful that Ethan would have done anything to find the right answer.

But luckily, it didn’t take much.

“Dwight Theodore Lewis III.”

“Who?”

"It was the name on Tobias's fake I.D. He kept it framed on his desk as a memorial to 'all the good times' they shared. He used it anytime he needed to avoid getting in trouble,” Ethan answered, and Charlie’s smile was so wide that he had a sudden urge to kiss her. To distract himself, he searched the name and was relieved to find a result, “Room 734. That’s in the V.I.P. wing.”

“The _what?_ ” Charlie asked, horrified.

“There’s more than one reason I hate this place,” Ethan shrugged, closing out the window and standing to leave.

But before either of them could leave the room, they heard a nearby voice.

_“Just one minute. I need to grab my water bottle from the desk.”_

The color drained from Charlie’s face as she looked to Ethan in alarm. The voice was too close for either of them to make a run for it, and there was nowhere to hide. After all they’d done, they failed…

Then Ethan had an idea.

Without warning, Ethan pulled Charlie close, eliminating the distance between them so that they were pressed against each other. Anchoring himself by pressing his hands against her back, Ethan’s lips closed over hers, kissing her with such intensity that Charlie’s heart stopped.

Distantly, Charlie heard the employee enter and, in surprise, offer some awkward apology, but Charlie didn’t really care.

All she cared about was this – _him_. Warmth blossomed out of her chest, bathing the rest of her body in comforting bliss. Her worries slipped away, if only for the moment. For the first time all day, Charlie felt safe. The troubles, though significant, felt manageable with his companionship. As she savored the taste of his lips, Charlie recognized that all she really wanted was him, and the realization startled her.

Ethan could have spent the rest of his life holding Charlie in his arms, but eventually, he had to let go.

Reluctantly breaking the kiss, Ethan didn’t release her from his embrace just yet, “We should… Um, we need to…”

“Right,” Charlie nodded, trying to break through the haze his kiss had caused, but her eyes notably lingered on his lips, “Room 734. We should go.”

After a beat, Ethan released her, and before she could say anything she regretted, Charlie left the administrative office. Ethan followed closely, directing her to the nearest elevator. He wasn’t thinking about anything other than what just happened, though he tried to focus on the mission at hand.

He just… wanted to kiss her again. He wanted to never stop kissing her. He wanted to stop following all of the rules all the time and just do what made him happy. And Charlie was what made him happy.

He might have said all of that. He might not have.

He would never know because, before they safely entered the elevator, Ethan heard Tobias’s voice drift down the hall.

“Fuck,” Charlie gasped quietly, and Ethan registered the panic in eyes. Thinking quickly, Ethan tried to think of ways they could escape, but ultimately, the only plan that worked was the one without him.

“Ethan?” Tobias called out, recognizing his tall frame.

“ _Keep going. Don’t let Tobias see your face. I’ll keep him busy_ ,” Ethan’s voice dropped to whisper.

“But-“

“Charlie, you have to,” Ethan was more forceful.

“No,” she shook her head, looking terrified, “I can’t do this without you. You’re the head of diagnostics. I’m the _resident_. How am I supposed to convince him?”

“ _Charlotte_ ,” Ethan wanted to tell her how amazing she was and remind her of all she’d accomplished, but they were running out of time, “ _You_ are the best part of this team. I trust you, and I need you to trust yourself. Now, _GO.”_ Ethan pushed her lightly, stepping away as he began walking to meet Tobias.

Charlie stood paralyzed to the spot, too afraid to move. She needed to leave. She needed to trust herself just as he trusted her.

And as much as it irked her, Ethan was usually right. So, maybe she was worth trusting…

Before Tobias could spot her, Charlie started walking. She slipped a surgical mask over her face and boarded the elevator, avoiding his direct line of sight as Ethan goaded him about the hospital. Charlie didn’t let out her breath until the elevator doors safely closed and the cart began to rise.

Amazingly, she found relief on the seventh floor when she ran into a disguised Baz. In addition to saving her from a commotion and providing comic relief, he offered encouragement for her mission.

But in the end, it was Charlie who stepped in that hospital room. It was Charlie who stood up for Edenbrook, and it was Charlie who convinced Senator Farrugia to transfer.

It was Charlie who surpassed her own expectations. She finally trusted herself, despite all of the failures she’d had in her time at Edenbrook. There were relationships she’d ruined and patients she’d failed to save, but she was still the bright doctor who could anything if she tried. She just needed a reminder from someone in her corner.

Someone whose opinion would always mean everything to her.

Someone she loved.

Someone like Ethan…


	5. Drinking Games

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After poaching a patient at Mass Kenmore, Charlie and Ethan find themselves celebrating with friends at Donahue’s. With the help of a drinking game, the two get closer -- maybe even too close. After all, they’re supposed to be keeping their distance...

“And then we just started running!” Baz exclaimed, his voice carrying through the loud bar, “Charlie and I _sprinted_ through the lobby, and _everyone_ was running after us, even Tobias. Then, _this guy right here_ ,” Baz held up his beer as if in a toast to Ethan, “He absolutely saved our ass by driving up at the perfect time and getting us the fuck out of there.”

Ethan didn’t hold up his drink to meet the toast. This was the fourth time that Baz had recounted their heist at Mass Kenmore, and if Ethan downed his drink to all of Baz’s toasts, he wasn’t sure if he would get home safely.

“But seriously, I don’t think I can pretend to be Zaid anymore…” Baz added softly, disappointed to lose his favorite prank. After a beat, his face perked back up, and with a cheerful smile in Charlie’s direction, he continued, “Not that it wasn’t worth it. That was amazing! Charlie, I always liked you, but _damn_ , you really earned my respect.”

“I still can’t believe I wasn’t there,” Bryce lamented. It was not the first time he had done so, either.

After sneaking into Mass Kenmore and poaching a high-profile patient, their dramatic escape left Ethan, Charlie, and Baz with too much excited energy to just go home. To celebrate, they drove to Donahue’s. One round turned into another, and when Bryce stumbled into the bar at the end of his shift, he’d joined their party. He’d been so enthralled with Baz’s retelling that he quickly forgot about his other plans and settled in with the group. With every new round, Baz toasted to their victory, prompting him to tell the story _again_.

Charlie might have been just as enthusiastic if she wasn’t wholly preoccupied with the awareness of Ethan’s knee knocking against hers in the cramped booth.

“Seriously, why didn’t you call me, Charlie? I would have _killed_ to be part of this,” Bryce complained. By Charlie’s count, it was the third time he’d asked, so instead of reminding him that he had been in the middle of surgery when she left, she merely shrugged.

“Obviously, you were too attractive to go unnoticed,” Charlie explained, earning a confident nod of understanding from Bryce.

“ _Obviously_ ,” he echoed, flashing his fuck-me smile at Charlie. She laughed, unaware of Ethan’s narrowing eyes and intent attention to their conversation. Ethan was surprised – and frankly ashamed – of his jealousy.

“I’m just honored to have been included,” Baz admitted, finishing his beer, “If I hadn’t run into Charlie in the hall, I would have missed out on one of the coolest memories of my life. And knowing Ethan, he wouldn’t have said a word about it. Seriously, man, if this is what you’re up to outside of the office, we need to hang out more.”

Bryce’s eyes flicked to Charlie’s with a brief yet meaningful look, and Charlie knew that he suspected something. Only a week ago, Charlie and Ethan wouldn’t have dared to be alone together. Now, they were going on missions to break into rival hospitals. Clearly, something changed, and Charlie just hoped he wouldn’t figure it out.

“I don’t often break into hospitals, but I’ll let you the next time I do,” Ethan assured Baz, feeling strangely rigid.

As the alcohol settled in his blood, he felt the blooming warmth of intoxication, but the associated relaxation failed to materialize. He was too aware of Charlie, too careful to not accidentally touch her. Yet, the more he drank, the closer he wanted to be. He longed to put his arm around her and fall into her as they laughed. He felt a bittersweet ache in his chest when he heard her laugh so far away…

“If you don’t, I’m coming for you. Don’t try me, Ethan,” Baz warned, finishing off his beer. He held the empty glass like a trophy as he announced, “Another round, on me. If you don’t participate, I won’t hurt you, but I _will_ make fun of you.”

“With that kind of offer, who could say no?” Charlie chuckled, feeling more anxious with every drink. She didn’t trust herself around Ethan already. She could only imagine how hard it would be to resist him drunk.

Baz grinned victoriously, slipping out of the booth to order their drinks. As soon as he was gone, Bryce leaned across the table to smile conspiratorially at Ethan and Charlie.

“I propose a drinking game. We drink every time he brings up Mass Kenmore,” Bryce proposed, smiling like he’d just invented the best game in existence.

He was so excited that Charlie almost felt bad for shooting him down – _almost_.

“We might _die_ ,” Charlie rejected his proposal, much to Bryce’s horror. His face fell, and when he realized that Charlie wouldn’t change his mind from his pout, he turned his attention to Ethan.

Ethan had no idea why Bryce thought he would agree, so he felt no guilt in reaffirming Charlie, “Absolutely not.”

Bryce dramatically fell back into the booth, sighing with defeat, “Come on, _Mom and Dad_!” Bryce mocked with a mischievous glint in his eyes, “It would be fun, and you know it.”

“What would be fun?” Baz interrupted, having returned arms full of drinks.

“I suggested a drinking game, but these killjoys said no,” Bryce explained as Baz settled into the booth beside him. When Baz handed her a drink, Charlie accepted it, growing uneasy.

“ _What_? A drinking game would be awesome!” Baz looked between Charlie and Ethan with disappointment, “What if we give symptoms of rare diseases and drink if we can’t figure it out?”

“Hell _no_. I was not a loser in college just to play work-related drinking games,” Bryce firmly insisted, “I _do_ have an idea if you’re interested.”

“I’m not stripping in this bar, Bryce,” Charlie resolved, her serious gaze leveled on her friend. Ethan choked on his scotch, struggling to hide his cough under Baz’s roaring laughter.

Bryce tried not to laugh as he rolled his eyes, “Really, Charlie, get your head out of the gutter. I was just going to suggest ‘Truth or Drink.’ Everyone gets asked a question, and if they don’t tell the truth, they drink.”

Charlie paled.

“Why can’t we just drink? Like _normal_ people do,” Charlie didn’t want to show how opposed she was to the game, but there was no way she would play, not when she was already drowning in secrets.

“Because normal people are boring!” Bryce turned to Baz for support, “Don’t you want to play?”

“100%,” Baz confirmed, “I know maybe 10 facts about Ethan’s personal life. I’ve been building questions for years.”

“On that note,” Ethan raised an eyebrow, “I’m not playing either.”

Bryce made a show of rolling his eyes, “You two suck.”

“I think that makes us the only cool ones,” Baz raised his glass to Bryce solemnly, and with an equally somber expression, Bryce met the toast.

“It is our cross to bear,” Bryce impishly bemoaned, clinking his glass against Baz’s.

They drank together, maintaining the melancholy farce, and Charlie found a smile perking at her lips as she watched the display.

But the smile didn’t last very long.

When Bryce put his glass down, he seemed to catch sight of someone over Charlie’s shoulder.

“Oh shit, I totally forgot,” he mumbled to himself, waving whoever it was to come closer. He drained the rest of the drink, fumbling for his wallet, “Unfortunately, as much fun as this was, I have to get going.”

“What? One more drink!” Baz insisted.

“I can’t tonight, but you and I have got to hang out again. Maybe just without these spoilsports,” Bryce clapped his hand on Baz’s shoulder, motioning playfully to Ethan and Charlie.

Ethan was visibly confused about Bryce’s sudden rush to leave, and Charlie may have played along with the insults had she not already looked over her shoulder to see who Bryce had waved at.

_Oh._

Charlie’s stomach dipped, all teasing impulses replaced with a feeling of dread. She suddenly felt sober – _too_ sober.

Rafael was walking towards her, and for a moment, she didn’t even recognize him. It had been so long since she’d seen him outside of work that his figure felt foreign. But when she did recognize him, she felt like she always did when they were together. She felt guilty.

Because, if she hadn’t hurt him, Rafael wouldn’t be a stranger.

And tragically, Rafael looked just as shocked and disappointed to see her.

“Hey, guys,” Rafael greeted the group awkwardly, rocking on his heels and purposefully not looking at Charlie for very long.

Bryce wasn’t oblivious to the tension between his two friends, though he tried to pretend that he was. Nobody ever talked about what happened between them. They just pretended everything was normal and tried to keep them apart as much as possible.

“Thanks for coming to pick me up. I just need to settle my tab before we go,” Bryce thanked Rafael, looking almost apologetic, and Charlie realized that he was apologizing for Rafael having to run into her.

“Where are you guys going?” Charlie asked, her voice changed. It caught Ethan’s attention.

“Back to my apartment. Kyra is coming over, and Rafael wanted to visit her after… well, you know,” Bryce shrugged awkwardly, “She and Keiki are having a movie night. If you’re up to it, you should come, too, Charlie. They would love to see you.’

“Yeah, maybe I’ll come later,” Charlie doubted that she would, but Bryce appreciated it anyway.

“Well, thanks for a great night, guys. Baz, we’re definitely going out next weekend,” Bryce pointed to his new friend, earning a hearty approval from Baz. With a final wave, he started towards the bar.

“Nice to see you all,” Rafael nodded uncomfortably. Once everyone had echoed his sentiments, he walked to the door of Donahue’s to wait for Bryce.

Charlie’s eyes followed him. She felt a strong urge to fix whatever was broken between them, but she didn’t know how. Months later, it was still raw. The part of her that craved comfort and security urged her to wait longer and hope that they would fall back together, but she’d listened to that part for too long. Nothing had changed. If anything, they interacted even less than they had right after it happened.

She wasn’t sure how she decided to talk to him. Maybe it was the liquid courage. Perhaps she had newfound confidence to break barriers after showing up on Ethan’s doorstep the night before. Or it could have just been time. 

“I’ll be right back,” Charlie announced to the table, not waiting for either to acknowledge her before getting up and walking away. If Ethan’s interest had been piqued by their strange interaction, he was enthralled now.

Baz was talking to him, he realized belatedly. He mumbled a generic response, his attention fully on Charlie. _What was she doing?_

Charlie wondered the same thing as she approached Rafael, and when he looked up from his cellphone to see her, he looked equally stunned.

For a moment, Charlie just stood in front of him, unsure what to say. She’d only thought about working up the nerve to approach him. She hadn’t imagined what they would talk about.

Biting her lip, Charlie finally murmured, “Hey.”

A pause.

Putting his phone in his pocket, Rafael breathlessly greeted her, “Hey.”

They were staring at each other, seemingly lost in the sea between them. They used to stay up for hours, talking and sharing stories, but now, the vulnerability was corrupted. It had been abused, and the memories that formed their connection felt polluted. They had been too intimate for people who could hardly engage in small talk.

“How are you?” Charlie asked. It was strange to look at him now. He’d once been Superman, handsome and perfect. Now, his attractive features were marred with regret.

She wished she could take it all back. She wanted her friend again.

But the truth was that Rafael didn’t want to erase it. Deep down, he resented how eager she was to forget.

“I’m okay,” Rafael shoved his hands in his pocket, offering nothing else to continue their discussion.

“And Sora?”

“She’s great.”

“Good, good,” Charlie swallowed.

Maybe this had been a mistake… All it proved was that they weren’t friends anymore, and Charlie didn’t want to admit that.

Rafael looked away, contemplating his next sentence. He considered saying nothing or offering a generic excuse to leave early, but ultimately, his morals betrayed him. As uncomfortable as he felt around her, he had loved Charlie. Maybe he still did.

“How are you doing?” he asked, “Bryce told me that you’re the one who diagnosed Kyra. I know what she means to you.”

Charlie felt suddenly aware of the weight on her chest that she’d carried from the moment of Kyra’s collapse, and tears sprung to her eyes.

“Um…” Charlie collected a deep breath, “It’s hard, but there’s not a lot I can do. Kyra’s decided to not fight it, and I have to respect that.”

Rafael hesitated but then placed a comforting hand on her shoulder, offering a kind smile, “You’ll be okay. Maybe not now, but everyone’s here for you. You just have to ask.”

Charlie wondered if he included himself in “everyone,” but she was too afraid of disappointment to clarify.

“Thanks,” she smiled sadly but gratefully.

He let his hand linger for a moment longer before releasing her, and trying to distract herself from the wave of sadness, Charlie faked a smile and changed the subject.

“I totally forgot. Yesterday, you said you had something to tell me, but I never let you finish. What’s up?”

“Oh, yeah,” Rafael’s eyes widened, and if it was possible, he looked even more uneasy than before, “It’s not important, not with everything else going on.”

“Come on, Raf. What is it?” Charlie sensed his anxiety and mirrored it back to him. What could make him so nervous?

“… I’m leaving town.”

Charlie’s eyes widened in horror, and she gasped, “ _What?_ ”

“I’m moving,” Raf acted as if this explained everything, but he knew it didn’t.

“You’re kidding?” Charlie couldn’t believe what she was hearing, expecting him to admit that it was a joke at any minute, “But you love Boston! You love your job! Why would you leave?”

A terrible thought entered Charlie’s head.

“It’s not because of me, right? Because of what happened between us?”

She’d never addressed it that openly. They’d just pretended it never happened.

“No, no,” Rafael assured her, “Sora got an amazing job offer. We talked it over, and we agreed that she should take it. As it stands, I’m on thin ice at work. I can’t just stand back and not help people when they need me, and I don’t know how many times they’ll let me come back.”

“But what about your family? And your community service? You do so much good here,” Charlie couldn’t swallow her surprise and just congratulate him. The Rafael she knew would have never left Boston. Could he have changed so much?

“It’s not like I’ll never see any of them again,” Rafael laughed, shaking his head. She swore that she saw a flash of regret in his eyes. Maybe he didn’t want this. “I love Boston,” he explained, “But it’s time to go. Sora and I are partners, and I can help new communities. This is the right choice for us.”

“Oh…” Charlie nodded, unsure what she could say. She still couldn’t believe that he would leave, but she offered a weak congratulations anyway, “Well, if you’re happy, I’m happy for you. I hope this works out.”

“Thanks, Charlie,” Rafael’s smile seemed real, and it gave her hope.

Enough hope to add, “And I hope that we can be friends again.”

Rafael seemed surprised.

“I hope so, too,” Rafael replied thoughtfully, but the look in his eyes told her that he seemed doubtful that they ever could.

“Well, if I don’t see you…” Charlie swallowed, “Good luck.”

Rafael nodded, letting out a deep breath as he told her, “You, too, Charlie.”

They shared small smiles and awkward nods goodbye before Charlie left. Moments later, Bryce returned from paying his tab, and he and Rafael left Donahue’s.

By the time Charlie got back to their booth, Baz had finished another beer and was ready to call it a night before he did something regrettable. He thanked Charlie and Ethan for allowing him to join their quest, and though Charlie asked him to stay, he declined. He gave Charlie a hug and shook Ethan’s hand, and then he stumbled to the bar to pay his tab and get a ride home.

And then it was just Charlie and Ethan.

Charlie slid into the booth opposite of Ethan wordlessly, knowing that their day together had finally ended. In a moment, he would excuse himself, and after making sure she could get home safely, he would be gone. And she really didn’t want to let him go.

Ethan could see the defeat in her posture and the sadness in her eyes, and he couldn’t leave.

“So, I was thinking,” he broke the silence, much to Charlie’s surprise, “What if we tried Bryce’s drinking game?”

Now, Charlie was alarmed. Who was this man, and what had he done with the Ethan she knew?

“You’re kidding?” Charlie’s eyebrows knit together, her face twisting into disbelief.

“I am not.”

Charlie didn’t know what to think, but honestly, she didn’t want to go home. So, she took the challenge, no matter how strange it was.

“Fine, I’m game.”

Ethan looked stunned that she accepted, and Charlie reveled in the victory of violating his predictions. She liked to make him wrong. But then he gave her a wild, beautiful smile, and she was distracted again.

“I’ll ask first then,” Ethan knew what he was going to ask. He’d wanted to ask for months.

When he returned from the Amazon, he half-expected to see Charlie on Rafael’s arm. They’d always been close, and Ethan suspected that their relationship was more than platonic. But to his relief, they weren’t together. Instead, they were distant. They rarely interacted, and when they did, it was strained. Then he met Sora.

Ethan excused it, assuming that they’d grown apart or that they interacted normally when he wasn’t around. Besides, he didn’t have any right to ask Charlie, not when he was supposed to keep his distance.

But tonight was different.

He’d seen the tension up close, and he’d seen how sad it made her.

So, despite knowing better, Ethan asked, “What happened with you and Rafael?”

Charlie couldn’t hide her shock. She’d expected him to ask about her friendship with Bryce or about her morning with Kyra, not Raf. She ran her finger along her glass and considered drinking to avoid the question, but really, she _wanted_ to tell him. She wanted to vent to someone because she never had.

“I didn’t expect you to ask such a big question on the first go. Normally, you start with easy ones, like first kisses or something,” Charlie teased Ethan, and he noted that she was avoiding the question.

“You don’t have to answer. You can always drink,” Ethan reminded her, but he knew that she would tell him. Or, at least, he hoped that she would.

Charlie thought about it for a moment longer before admitting, “I broke his heart.”

She thought about leaving it there and not saying anything further. Then, he might think she was the good guy. She really, really wanted Ethan to think the best of her, but she also knew he was one of the few people who might understand.

“After the ethics trial, I was in a dark place,” Charlie’s face changed, visibly uncomfortable. It was as if just thinking about it brought back the dark, angry days she tried not to remember, and she squirmed under their weight, “You missed most of it while you were in the Amazon.”

 _I wasn’t there_ , Ethan thought guiltily, wondering how much of a role that had played.

After he ended their affair, she sneaked out of his apartment to avoid saying goodbye, and he never addressed it again. As he looked at her now, he wished that he had. He wished he could have spared her from pain.

“Anyways,” Charlie waved her hand as if waving off the weight of what she’d said, “I just wanted to feel happy again, and when someone came along who wanted to be there for me, I took it. I was so desperate to escape the darkness that I didn’t care who got hurt. It started innocently, but it progressed. I told myself that I didn’t need to feel guilty because we didn’t need to be in love, you know? But the thing was that _he_ was in love, and I wasn’t. The moment I realized, I should have ended things, but I was selfish and didn’t want to be alone again.”

Charlie remembered the night it all fell apart, and she hesitated to tell him.

“Rafael figured me out. Sora came into the picture, professing her love. When he told me, he thought that I would stop him and beg him to stay with me because I loved him, too, but…” Charlie’s voice cracked with shame, “I didn’t. And I didn’t want to keep him from someone who did. I didn’t even pretend to fight for him. I just let him go, and he realized that I’d used him. He’s never really looked at me the same.”

Ethan was silent.

He wasn’t jealous like he’d expected. He was remorseful. When he’d been agonizing in the Amazon, he’d never imagined that Charlie was hurting just as deeply.

For the first time, he wondered if he had done the right thing when he ended their relationship. When he left her, he thought it was the only ethical choice, but he now realized that it wasn’t black and white. Maybe he’d been too afraid to look for the shades of grey.

“I’m sorry, Charlie,” Ethan told her honestly, and she smiled softly.

“Thanks,” Charlie wiped at her eyes, taking a drink to ground herself, “But if you think you’re getting off easy after I told you all of that, you’re wrong.”

Ethan laughed, feeling like an asshole for daring her to share such a secret, but maybe she’d needed to tell someone.

“I suppose I deserve that.”

“You do,” Charlie confirmed, and raising an eyebrow, she challenged, “Tell me about Harper, and if you take a drink, know that I will lose respect for you.”

 _She wasn’t kidding about not letting me off easy_ , Ethan thought to himself. Had he not pried into her personal life, he would have eagerly accepted the drink instead, but that wouldn’t be fair. She’d given him honesty, and he should do the same.

“We were friends. We agreed on a lot. Both of us wanted to focus on our careers and didn’t want to be serious with anyone, so we had an arrangement that lasted a few years. I disagreed with her decision to become Chief, and our relationship ended. Our friendship was strained after that,” Ethan admitted, tempted to take a drink anyway after he finished. He hadn’t told anyone that story, and it felt dangerous that he’d chosen her to tell.

“Years?” Charlie repeated, “ _You_ managed an affair with a coworker for years?” Charlie couldn’t decide if she should laugh or fume. Against her better judgment, she added, “One weekend with me and you couldn’t stop talking about how unethical it was, and we weren’t even working together at that point.”

She phrased it like a joke, but it wasn’t a joke. Ethan knew that.

“That’s different,” he sounded more defensive than he expected, “I was your superior.”

 _And I loved you,_ he nearly added.

“Right,” Charlie nodded as if she understood, but she didn’t really. Why had Harper been worth it and not her?

Ethan couldn’t sit in that silence without another drink, so he ordered a few shots. As soon as he returned with them, Charlie downed the first and leaned into the numbing warmth.

Before she could say that she wanted to leave, Ethan asked her the next question. He didn’t mind playing an embarrassing drinking game if it meant staying with her.

“How close were you to punching Tobias at the baseball game?”

Charlie laughed in surprised, and that’s how the game began.

They volleyed questions back and forth. Charlie asked why he kept his life such a secret (“it’s none of their business”), if he’d seen his mom (“no,” and he squeezed her hand), if he’d really shaved his beard because she said she didn’t like it (he took the shot), and a series of uncomfortable questions that brought the shot glass to his lips. In return, Ethan asked about Bryce (“We’re just friends – weird friends but _friends_ ”), why she’d let June slap her (she took the shot), and if she liked Jenner more than him (“Yes”).

By the time they ran out of questions, it was late, and they had drunk far more shots than they expected.

Maybe that’s why it felt easier to stand next to each other…

Ethan looped his arm around her waist as they left the bar, and Charlie couldn’t stop smiling. The lines were so blurred that neither realized that they’d crossed them hours ago.

They waited for their Ubers together, leaned against the exterior wall of Donahue’s. They hadn’t been there since the night of the ethics trial, their last night together. It had been months, but it felt like no time had passed. The barriers that kept them apart were so distant…

They were standing close together, so close that Charlie could feel his breath on her skin as he laughed.

“That’s ridiculous. I _did_ not stop wearing glasses just because you didn’t like them,” Ethan insisted, laughing so hard that Charlie knew he was lying. It made her smile.

“I told you _once_ that they blocked your eyes, and I have never seen them again!”

“Firstly, that’s not true. You _have_ seen them, but it’s just a coincidence that I wear them less now. _You_ don’t have that much of an effect on me, Charlie,” Ethan had told himself so many times that it felt like the truth, but that didn’t mean it was.

“ _Surreee_ ,” Charlie rolled her eyes, placing a hand on his jaw thoughtfully. His skin burned at the touch, and he watched as she appraised his face. When she spoke, she seemed to be thinking out loud, nearly unaware he could hear, “Maybe I judged the beard too quickly…”

And suddenly, it wasn’t funny.

All that seemed to exist was the pull between them.

When Charlie met his eyes again, she felt intoxicated by the burning desire she saw reflected in them. He was so close…

Charlie swallowed, failing to take her hand away from his face.

Ethan didn’t realize he was leaning in. He was so consumed with wanting her that it clouded her judgment.

And then he kissed her.

The world seemed to spin too quickly, and Charlie’s head swam. Abstractly, she knew to pull away, but she didn’t. Her arms looped around his neck, her fingers in his hair. He tasted like scotch and Ethan, and it was a heady combination. She never wanted to stop.

Neither did he. He found safety and comfort with her in his arms. With her, he felt like he could do anything, even override every rule he’d written to protect himself.

 _Ding_.

Ethan ignored the alert.

 _Ding_.

He ignored it again.

_DING._

Finally, begrudgingly, Ethan pulled away just enough to fish his cell phone out of his pocket. It was Uber, alerting him that his driver had arrived. When he looked up, he saw the car waiting by the curb, and failing to hide his disappointment, he waved for them to wait another minute.

When he looked back to Charlie, she knew what he was offering. She could go home with him tonight. She could take all of these questions and uncertainties and push them off just a little while longer. She really, _really_ wanted to.

But she couldn’t.

Because she didn’t know if she would ever stop. She was on a slippery slope, and she still remembered what it was like to lose him. She didn’t want to give him another chance to hurt her.

“We can’t….”

Ethan swore he could feel his heart shatter.

“Right…” he mumbled, untangling himself from her, “I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t- don’t apologize,” Charlie wrapped her arms around her waist, trying desperately not to touch him.

Ethan paused, unsure of what he could say. He wanted to beg her to come with him, but he knew she was right.

“Goodnight, Charlie.”

“Goodnight, Ethan.”

Charlie watched him cross the street and greet his driver. He looked to her one more time before entering the car, giving her a last chance. She didn’t take it.

But as she watched him drive away, she wished she had…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This turned out longer than I thought, but I’ve been trying to hint at Charlie’s past with Raf and wanted to explore the other relationships in OH and how it impacts Ethan and MC. I hope that you liked it!   
> Also, I promise that the angst won’t last forever!


	6. Midnight Call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After their kiss at Donahue's, Charlie can't stop thinking about Ethan. She's nearly called him a hundred times, but when she finally does, maybe she wishes she hadn't...

Boston appeared in a blurred rush outside of her car window, but Charlie didn’t seem to notice. She only watched to ignore the empty passenger seat next to her.

Her head swam, and she had to close her eyes to keep the world from spinning too fast. She was drunk, but she didn’t know if she was drunk off the shots at the bar or off of Ethan’s kiss. Even miles away, he stubbornly burrowed himself in her mind. His cologne clung to her skin, reminding her of his stinging absence.

_Why had she said no?_

Though it had been mere minutes, their kiss outside of Donahue’s felt like it had been hours ago. The memory was hazy and undefined, and it glowed from rose-colored glasses. The only thing she really remembered was the way he laughed and how he tasted. Why would anyone stop?

When she got in her car, she expected to feel victorious for resisting such a grand temptation as spending the night with Ethan Ramsey. Yet, from the moment he walked away from her, she’d been crushed by regret. All of her reasons for saying no were strangely absent from her mind. She didn’t care about ethics or propriety or self-preservation. She just wanted him beside her.

Charlie’s finger hesitated on Ethan’s contact. All it would take was one more touch to call him…

“We’re here,” her Uber driver’s voice impatiently interrupted her thoughts, and she realized that they had been sitting in front of her apartment building for some time.

Embarrassed, Charlie mumbled a “thank you” and an apology before exiting the car. But she didn’t stay in the real world for very long. Walking to her apartment on autopilot, her mind was back to that curbside kiss, and his contact was still open on her phone. She hesitated by her front door, staring at the tiny contact photo of Ethan, and something warm yet desperate rose in her chest. She ached to be with him, and tears pooled in her eyes at the realization. She almost pressed the “call” button, but she didn’t.

Charlie opened her front door with disappointed determination, intending to go straight to her bedroom and lock herself in before she could act on her impulse to run to Ethan. Once the door was open, she heard the faint noise of a sitcom coming from the living room, but she didn’t process what that meant until she was face-to-face with the two roommates she owed the most apologies to – Sienna and Aurora.

As soon as they saw her, their conversation ceased.

Thus, three friends stared at each other awkwardly, all unsure who was supposed to go first. The longer they stayed silent, the thicker the tension grew.

Sienna was the first to move.

Wordlessly, she paused the TV and squeezed Aurora’s knee as she got off the couch. Charlie expected Sienna to leave without any acknowledgment. It was what she deserved after disappearing without warning for twenty-four hours. It would have taken Charlie mere moments to quell her friend’s worries, but she was so terrified of getting caught with Ethan that she didn’t dare. So, she left poor Sienna to grieve Kyra’s diagnosis and worry for Charlie’s safety all in one night.

But Sienna surprised her.

With a faint, sweet smile, Sienna approached her and squeezed her hand reassuringly. The friendly contact helped ground her, and gratefully, Charlie returned the gesture. She felt so close to devolving into chaos, but Sienna was here. Sienna still loved her. And everything would be okay.

“I’m glad you’re alright,” Sienna whispered, eyes soft with tender concern.

“I’m sorry I didn’t check-in,” Charlie apologized sincerely. She didn’t try to excuse it. Her explanations felt insufficient at best and dangerous at worst. Charlie thought about telling her friends everything, but something kept her from doing so. 

Maybe she was afraid they would stop her.

“It’s okay,” Sienna chuckled, still holding Charlie’s hand, “When your life is falling apart, I think you’re allowed to go off the deep end a little bit.”

There was a pause, and Charlie knew it was an opening to tell her everything that happened. Instead, she thanked her friend for understanding.

“Don’t worry about it,” Sienna reassured her, and with a gentle motion in Aurora’s direction, she whispered, “Good luck. I know you two can work it out.”

Sienna was more hopeful than Charlie was, but Charlie accepted the optimism for her friend’s sake.

“Good night, you guys,” Sienna called to Aurora and Charlie as she left the living room and walked to her own bedroom. Charlie and Aurora both told her goodnight and waited for the door to close behind her before turning their attention to each other.

For an unbearably long moment, they were quiet and awkward, and it felt eerily like their relationship the year before. The similarity made Charlie uncomfortable and remorseful. It had taken a lot of effort and love to coax Aurora into friendship, and with one angry, vindictive accusation, Charlie may have ruined it forever.

“So, was poaching my patient what we needed to be okay?” Aurora was the first to speak, her tone icy and authoritative. It made Charlie feel young and stupid, and had she heard it the night of the baseball game, she would have surely matched it with fire and frustration.

But Charlie wasn’t the girl she was at that game.

She was sorry.

“ _No_.”

There was a shift in Aurora’s expression, a crack in her armor, and she squirmed on the couch, crossing her arms to settle herself. She was afraid of losing a valued friendship, and though her face hardly moved, she felt close to tears.

“What we need is for me to apologize,” Charlie clarified, “I behaved like an asshole. I shouldn’t have confronted you like that or embarrassed you in front of your coworkers, and I definitely shouldn’t have almost caused a hospital brawl,” Charlie awkwardly laughed at herself, still trying to make peace with her regret, “I respect you and our friendship too much to have treated you like that. I was upset, and I’m sorry.”

“ _Oh…_ ” Aurora was visibly shocked, and she struggled to regain her composure.

She’d imagined this conversation hundreds of times, but never in her imagination had it gone like this.

“Um,” Aurora swallowed, biting on her lower lip as if trying to contain some emotion, “I’m sorry, too. I really didn’t know that Dr. Carrick would steal your patient. If I’d known, I wouldn’t have told him. But _really_ ,” Aurora hesitated, “I should have told you the truth when it happened. It sounds stupid, but I thought that I would ruin this whole ‘friend group thing’ if you knew.”

Aurora avoided eye contact, trying to hide her embarrassment and remorse. Despite the deep ache in Charlie’s heart, she managed to laugh at how eager her friend was to pretend she was incapable of human emotion.

“You didn’t ruin it. If you still want me, I’m your friend,” Charlie offered with a shrug, “Fuck attendings anyway. They’re assholes.”

Of course, Charlie was really only thinking of _one_ attending. She only ever thought of one attending.

Aurora met Charlie’s gaze, much to her relief, and an amused grin spread across her lips.

“I guess you’re right,” Aurora chuckled before looking away again. She was thinking about something, though Charlie wasn’t sure what it could be. In the ensuing silence, Charlie worried that Aurora would offer another confession and throw even more uncertainty into Charlie’s life. To her relief, that wasn’t what was on Aurora’s mind.

Aurora stood, and with only a moment or so of hesitation, she walked up to Charlie and _hugged_ her.

Charlie couldn’t hide her shock, and as Aurora wrapped her arms around her, she realized she could only count a handful of times she’d seen Aurora hug _anyone_.

Tightening her grip on Aurora, Charlie hugged her friend and tried to soak up love and support. She needed someone to ground her and stop her from going down a dangerous path with Ethan, and when she hugged Aurora, she was distracted from him. She was relieved. After feeling like she was only capable of destruction, she managed to save something precious.

Charlie laughed at herself for crying and mumbled, “Pretend you don’t notice me crying. I have to maintain a badass image around here.”

Aurora snorted, “A badass you may be, but we’ve _all_ seen you cry.”

“Yeah, that’s fair,” Charlie conceded.

Aurora’s voice lowered to a whisper, “I want to be your friend, Charlie.”

“Good, because you already are.”

This time, the quiet was comfortable. Everything was okay.

Aurora gave her a tiny but meaningful squeeze before eventually pulling away. And when she did, Charlie swore she saw her eyes glisten, though Aurora quickly wiped her eyes before Charlie could be sure.

“I should get some sleep,” Aurora’s lips twisted into a playful smirk, “I have a feeling my boss will be in a bad mood tomorrow.”

Charlie smiled sheepishly, “Probably.”

“Well, at least he’s not Dr. Ramsey. I have never been more scared in my life than I was as an intern who fucked up in front of him,” Aurora was still laughing, but Charlie was distracted. All it took was hearing his name, and suddenly, her fingers itched to dial his number. She laughed along to avoid suspicion, and luckily, Aurora seemed to buy it.

“Goodnight, Charlie,” Aurora told her as she returned to her room. Charlie said something back, but her mind was elsewhere.

Her heart felt like it was beating dangerously fast, yet time seemed to slowly creep by. The effects of the beer and whiskey and scotch they’d shared were slowly disappearing, yet she felt more intoxicated than ever. She felt like a woman obsessed. She cursed herself for being so close to the edge, yet she couldn’t walk herself back.

Charlie threw her phone on her bed and went about her nightly chores in the apartment, trying to put it out of her mind.

She locked the front door, turned off the TV, straightened the living room, and prepared the coffee maker to brew the next morning. The entire time, she thought about him.

Frustrated, Charlie tried to finish the rest of her pre-bed rituals. She washed her face, brushed her teeth, and put out her scrubs for the morning. It was even harder to not think about him.

Her cell phone felt like it was pulling her closer. No, it felt like _Ethan_ was pulling her closer. She was drawn to his contact like he had magically compelled her to do so. As she tried to resist, she imagined him in his apartment.

Surely, he’d walked Jenner and gone to bed by now.

But… what if he was sitting by his phone? What if he was wrestling with his own desire to call her?

At some point, Charlie had grabbed her phone and had opened her contact list again. Her finger was lingering on the call button when she realized what she was doing.

“No,” Charlie breathed, dropping the phone back to her comforter.

Growing desperate, Charlie tore off her clothes and turned on the shower. She didn’t wait for the water to warm before she threw herself into it, hoping that the icy temperature would break her free from her daze. She gulped the fresh air, scrubbing at her skin to remove his cologne, but it wouldn’t wash off. Her fingertips ghosted the bruises he’d left, and she shivered under the water. Even in her own body, she wasn’t free of him…

Absently, Charlie realized that she’d fallen into the trap she’d feared.

For months, she separated herself from Ethan. She avoided him because she worried that she would get lost in him again. _And after only one night, she had._

Charlie sank to the shower floor, feeling like a failure in a battle designed by herself.

She just wanted Ethan beside her…

The water was getting warmer now as if it had sensed the change in Charlie’s mindset. The warmth seemed to reward her for finally accepting that she’d been wrong. She’d lied when she told Ethan that they could have one night together with no strings. There were always strings, and they could never go back to normal.

Maybe that was okay.

All she had to do was call.

Charlie turned off the water and wrapped herself tightly in a towel. Resolved, she walked to the bed and collected her cell phone. His contact was still open when she unlocked it, and after settling her nerves with a deep breath, she called him.

He answered on the first ring.

Ethan hadn’t released his phone since he left Donahue’s. During the following hour, he told himself many lies about why he held it, but really, it was for her. He didn’t think she would call, not after rejecting him at the bar, but he hoped that she would. That was enough to keep it with him…

Ethan felt a surge of relief when her contact illuminated his smartphone, and deep, dangerous hopes surfaced. He hoped that she would take it back and come over. He hoped that she would confirm that she felt the same pull between them. He hoped that she wanted him just as much as he wanted her.

“Hey,” Charlie’s voice felt soft and intimate, even through the phone, and Ethan closed his eyes to pretend she was with him.

“Hey,” he echoed her, clenching his grip around his scotch as he tried to fight off the strange tightness in his chest. He dodged ugly, intrusive thoughts to avoid an unsettling truth.

 _No,_ he urged himself, _Don’t think it._

“I couldn’t sleep…” Charlie told him, not that she’d even _tried_ to sleep. She’d been too obsessed with him to even think about it.

Ethan couldn’t find his words, his hands so tight around his glass that he thought it might break. His heart was racing, and his breath grew ragged as he failed to contain the overwhelming, panic-inducing, moment-ruining realization that fought against him.

“Um…” Charlie took his silence as an invitation to keep talking, and biting on her lower lip, she suggested, “Are you up for a nightcap?”

_She was right._

The thought hit him like a freight train, and the force made him nauseous.

Hearing her voice – _his Charlie’s_ voice – made it clear. She’d been right at the bar. They couldn’t do this…

It was wrong. It was dangerous. They would regret it.

Ethan could hear the change in her tone. This wasn’t the same girl he’d left at Donahue’s. She was just as drunk on him as he was on her, and it clouded her judgment. She had been the strong one, and now, he needed to do the same.

His face turned to stone as he summed up his strength and drew on his resolve to remove emotion from his voice.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Ethan felt sick as he spoke, but Charlie couldn’t tell, “We have an early morning tomorrow. I’ll see you at work.”

His voice was hard and final, and he held his breath as he finished, forcing himself not to say more. _He had to hurt her_.

Yet, he _never_ wanted to hurt her. He was filled with a deep sense of self-hatred from the rejection. He wanted to protect her and make her feel safe. He wanted to respect and adore her. He hardly recognized the apathy in his voice.

Neither did Charlie.

The refusal stung. She felt stupid and embarrassed and angry, and her lip quivered as she balanced her desire to scream and cry. The tingling warmth she’d felt when she heard his voice dissipated into bone-chilling cold.

She wanted to be angry with him for offering to take her home only to reject her an hour later, but she was too heartbroken to feel anything else.

She missed her chance.

 _And she shouldn’t have called_.

“Of course,” she murmured, biting her cheek to keep her voice steady, “I should let you go. Sorry that I bothered you.”

“You didn’t bother me,” Ethan’s voice was earnest enough that she believed him.

Not that it made her feel any better.

Nothing could make her feel any better.

She’d forgotten what it was like to be rejected by Ethan Ramsey. She forgot that her body ran cold, and the world darkened to deep, depressing shades of grey. Her rose-colored glasses shattered, and the absence of his intoxicating affection was disturbing.

“Goodnight, Ethan.”

Charlie didn’t give him a chance to say anything else. She hung up the phone before he could hurt her further, and she chucked her phone to the pile of pillows on her bed as she sank deep into her comforter. She didn’t want to think about her phone or Ethan or the prickling feeling of failure and rejection that burned at her skin.

She just wanted everything to go back to the way it was before she showed up on his doorstep.

It was easy to call him an asshole, and it was even easier to focus her energy on hating him. It was unbearably hard to maintain it, though. Her fury cracked from the deep-rooted adoration she held for him, and by the time she patched it up, there was another crack.

Everything felt useless and ridiculous.

Except hiding here. Charlie considered sinking deep into her bed and never returning. She could hole up here forever if she put her mind to it.

Eventually, even that lost its shine.

“Fuck this,” Charlie muttered, climbing out of her bed. Her jaw tightened as she surveyed her space, desperate for something to distract her racing heart and mind.

But there was nothing here for her, so she left.

Charlie dressed quickly, not caring what she wore. She collected her cell phone, keys, and wallet, and then, she was off. Afraid of losing her nerve, she wasted no time in her escape. As she locked her front door, she opened a rideshare app and ordered a car. She typed in the address in the elevator, and minutes after she reached the ground floor, the car was waiting for her.

This time, she noticed Boston as it passed her window.

It wasn’t as pretty as it had been when she was drunk on Ethan’s kiss…

Then again, nothing really was.

Charlie tipped the driver during the ride, so as soon as the car pulled to a stop, she jumped out of the backseat and took the familiar route to the front door.

It wasn’t her first time standing on this doorstep…

Charlie hesitated to knock, afraid she’d made the wrong choice.

_Knock. Knock. Knock._

Charlie braced herself as she heard shuffling from behind the front door. She worried that she’d acted too rashly and should have stayed home, and she squirmed at the _click_ of the door’s lock. It was too late to change her mind.

Then the door opened, and Charlie felt a rush of assurance that she did the right thing.

“Charlie? I didn’t expect you to actually come,” Bryce leaned against the doorframe, a beer in hand. Despite his bright, friendly smile, there was concern in his eyes. No matter how casually Charlie shrugged, she didn’t look casual. She looked like a woman on the edge, unsure which direction she would fall.

“Charlie’s here?” Kyra’s voice drifted from the living room, saving Charlie from having to explain her motivations.

“Bryce, what are you doing? Stop hogging Charlie, and let her in,” Keiki’s voice was getting closer, and soon, she was at the front door, glaring at her older brother.

Bryce shrugged, stepping out of the doorway and motioning for Charlie to come in with an expression that said, “What can I do?”

“You’re just in time. We were just about to send Bryce out for pizza,” Keiki welcomed Charlie, leading her to the living room. Pillows and blankets were strewn across the couch in a failed attempt to build a blanket fort, and various snack packages littered the ground, all pointing to the stack of _Twilight_ DVDs haphazardly leaning against Bryce’s TV.

Kyra was perched in the middle of the mess, looking like a queen among the disaster.

She looked happy…

Charlie’s heart ached as she imagined nights like this without her.

“You came! We just finished _New Moon,_ and after a little convincing, I’ve turned Keiki onto Team Jacob. That asshole,” Kyra pointed at Bryce accusatorily, “ _refuses_ to abandon Team Edward. So, if you join his side, I want you to know that I love you, but you _can’t_ sit in the fort. The fort is only for people with taste.”

“And the floor is for _winners_ ,” Bryce gloated before Charlie could declare her allegiance.

Kyra chucked a pillow at his face.

Keiki cackled as she plopped on the couch next to Kyra.

“You two are just jealous that I picked the winning side. I respect a man who is confident enough to wear body glitter, and I stand by that,” Bryce tossed the pillow back to them.

“And I respect a brother who picks up our pizza before it’s cold,” Keiki retorted, much to Kyra’s delight. She grinned victoriously, and Charlie tried to suppress her laughter.

“Just for that, I’m adding anchovies,” Bryce teased his little sister.

“You wouldn’t _dare_. It’s Kyra’s last night out, and you’d subject her to _anchovies_?” Keiki accused her brother.

“Kyra’s last night out?” Charlie repeated, looking between Bryce and Kyra for an explanation.

Kyra collected a deep breath as Bryce crossed the room to stand beside her. He placed a comforting hand on her shoulder, and with his support, she explained, “I’m admitting myself to Edenbrook tomorrow.”

“What?” Charlie gasped, stepping closer carefully as fear gripped her heart. Why would she readmit? Had something terrible happened?

“I know I told you I wasn’t going to fight this, but um…” Kyra looked up to Bryce, and following his encouraging nod, she donned a playful, flirty smile, “I changed my mind, all thanks to this glorious hunk of a man.”

“ _Gross_ ,” Keiki mumbled.

“Save your praise for after the surgery,” Bryce tossed his hair, obviously enjoying the attention.

“You don’t mean that,” Kyra batted her eyelashes at Bryce.

“You’re right, keep going,” he smirked.

“Wait,” Charlie interrupted them, too shocked to be entertained by their shameless flirting. Her eyes welled as she turned her attention to Kyra, swallowing a building cry, “You’re going to fight this?”

Kyra’s face softened, and with a shrug, she painted the face of the confident friend Charlie adored. Yet, lurking beneath was a woman terrified.

“Here I was, all set to die quietly and nobly, when Bryce had an idea of how I might be able to survive this thing after all,” Kyra looked to Bryce, which he took as a signal to explain.

“An extrapleural pneumonectomy,” Bryce elaborated.

“He wants to take out my lung, my diaphragm…”

“ _Part_ of your diaphragm,” Bryce corrected before looking up to Charlie, “and the partial pleura and the pericardium on her left side. We can replace the lining of her chest and heart with Gore-Tex.”

“That sounds…” Charlie swallowed, attempting to look level-headed and not at all concerned, “ _extensive_.”

“It is,” Bryce confirmed, “It’s radical and risky, and if it works, it is going to hurt like actual hell. And if it doesn’t…” Bryce trailed off, wavering in his confidence.

“Then I’ll die,” Kyra finished for him, looking resolved.

“Yeah, but it gives us a fighting chance,” Bryce squeezed her shoulder, “Your cancer is spreading so fast that we need to go big or go home. And I’ll be damned if I give up on a friend.”

Kyra offered a thankful smile to Bryce, but when she looked at Charlie, her lip quivered just enough that Charlie saw through the act. Beneath her strength and courage, she was afraid, and there was a wet gleam to her eyes.

“Well, what do you think, Charlie?”

“I think…” Charlie began, stepping up to her friend and joining her on the couch, “I think you can conquer anything, even this.”

Kyra’s smile was so bright that it gave Charlie hope, and it warmed her heart just enough to forget about Ethan for a moment.

“I love you,” Kyra’s hug was practically an attack, and with roaring laughter, Charlie fell back into the couch. Charlie heard Bryce’s chuckle before she felt his weight join them in the hug, and they devolved into fits of contagious laughter.

“You guys are weird…” Keiki mumbled, staring in horror as she quickly snapped a photo of the group.

“Say that again, and I’ll make you hug us,” Bryce threatened, and Charlie registered a gruff grumble in response.

They didn’t stay in that embrace nearly long enough.

Kyra complained about Bryce’s weight crushing her, to which he gloated that it was all muscle. Charlie rolled her eyes as they disentangled themselves, and soon, Keiki and Bryce were bickering about their pizza order. Asserting that she didn’t trust her brother to bring back the right order, Keiki threatened to throw out his hair gel as he left the apartment. Just in case, she started a batch popcorn as Kyra cuddled up to Charlie on the failed blanket fort.

“So, what are you really doing here?” her voice was soft enough that it stayed only between them.

Charlie shrugged casually, “I wanted to see you guys.”

Kyra cocked an eyebrow in disbelief, “You were drinking with Ethan and just decided to pay us a visit at midnight?”

Charlie mumbled her affirmation, turning her gaze to a loose thread on a throw pillow. She didn’t like to meet Kyra’s gaze as she lied.

“You know,” Kyra hummed, “You don’t have to take my advice. You can still go to him. I can’t pretend to understand your relationship with Dr. Ramsey. While I don’t know if either of you are healthy for each other, I _do_ know that you haven’t really seemed like yourself after you two broke up. The first time I saw my friend be herself was this morning, so maybe, in some convoluted way, it’s actually the right thing.”

Charlie squirmed, growing restless as she remembered those bright, golden memories with Ethan. Removed from them, she felt cold and bitter. Why couldn’t it ever last?

“He invited me home with him and changed his mind,” Charlie chewed on her lower lip, “I forgot what it felt like to be rejected by him… And I think it’s finally time I tried to move on.”

“Are you sure?” Kyra asked, “Because you’ve said that before.”

“I’m sure,” Charlie confirmed, quelling the churning in her stomach at the idea of _not_ being with him.

“It won’t be easy,” Kyra mused.

“ _This_ isn’t easy either,” Charlie confessed, looking up to keep tears from welling in her eyes, “I’m ready to move on.”

Kyra squeezed Charlie’s hand reassuringly, “If that’s what you want, I’m here.”

Charlie smiled softly, trying to soak up Kyra’s confidence and support. This was the right decision, she was sure of it. She just needed to stay strong.

“Our first step is watching copious amounts of romcoms and drinking a ridiculous amount of wine,” Kyra winked, jumping off the couch to raid Bryce’s kitchen, and Charlie laughed along, wiping away a spare tear.

Kyra and Keiki were talking in the kitchen, occasionally including Charlie in a question or two, but Charlie took a moment away to glance down at her phone.

**One new message from Ethan.**

All of the color drained from Charlie’s face as she opened the notification.

 **Ethan: Goodnight, Charlie**.

When she hung up, he hadn’t gotten to say goodnight. It shouldn’t have been important, and he shouldn’t have texted.

He knew that, too.

Yet, in the darkness of his empty apartment, he’d written it. He’d written hundreds of texts, only to delete them after. Some explained his motives, assuring her that it was for the best that they keep their distance. Others begged her to come over anyway and forgive him for his rude dismissal. A few of his drafts even inquired about her wellbeing and urged her to let him know if he could do anything to help.

Ultimately, this was the one he sent. He agonized over the wording for half an hour before finally pressing send, and as he carried on with his routine, he kept watching to see if she’d read it.

Charlie traced his name on the top of the message, thinking of a million things she could say back to him. Most of all, she wanted to ask him again. She wanted to think of a lame excuse to leave and go to his apartment. She wanted to fall asleep in his bed.

She wanted to love him…

And that was why she didn’t text him back.

Ethan watched the message change from “delivered” to “read.” He waited for a response, forgetting everything but her. He waited, and he waited, and he waited. And finally, he accepted that she wasn’t going to text him.

Which was good, really. That was what she was supposed to do. Their night together was just that – one night. This was them going back to normal. It was what he’d wanted her to do when he told her not to come over tonight.

So, why were they both so devastated?


	7. Blind Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie Greene is finally ready to move on from Ethan Ramsey, and the first step? A blind date with someone else. When Ethan found out, he went out drinking to forget his jealousy, and in downtown Boston, all it took was a call for them to find each other again...

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

Charlie’s pager reverberated in her small locker, dancing as it vibrated against the metal. Charlie jumped, staring at the small device with dread, and she scrambled to reach it. Her stomach sank as her fears were confirmed.

She was needed in the diagnostic unit ASAP.

Charlie read the rolling alert again and again, waiting for it to change.

This couldn’t be.

She’d followed the plan perfectly. It was 7:45, over half an hour after she was supposed to clock out. She’d taken every necessary precaution to avoid suspicion and quietly leave work without anyone realizing where she was going. She’d checked with every patient, every attending she’d reported to today, and even the diagnostic unit itself to make sure there was nothing left for her to do.

At 7:30, she’d gone into the locker room and waited to change until the crowd emptied out. She sent her work clothes home with Sienna, and all she had to do now was covertly walk out of the hospital, call an Uber, and make it downtown before 8:30. If everything went according to plan, no one would know that she was going on a date, _especially_ not Ethan Ramsey.

But now, it was 7:46, and everything was ruined.

With slow horror, Charlie turned to face her reflection in the nearest mirror.

Charlie had changed from her frumpy scrubs to the tight, black dress Kyra gifted her for the occasion. It wasn’t the type of dress that Charlie usually wore, which was precisely why Kyra bought it for her. The tight, structured fabric left little to the imagination, especially with the high slit on her right thigh. It was bold and daring, and Kyra hoped that the dress’s power would encourage Charlie to be just as confident.

But now it just made Charlie squirm.

She’d already finished her grand yet quick makeover. Her day-old curls were now teased into a purposeful, sexy ponytail. With a few dabs of concealer and a layer of red lipstick, she’d erased the anxious, sleepless nights she’d wasted worrying about tonight.

She looked good. _Suspiciously good._ The kind of good that meant she obviously had plans tonight.

“Fuck,” Charlie cursed, checking the pager one more time. She knew she couldn’t ignore it, especially when she was still in the building. It was her job to answer.

Her fingers tight around the pager, Charlie searched her locker one more time for a hidden pair of scrubs, but she came up empty-handed. With more time, she might have been desperate enough to dig through the nearby lockers until she found something else to wear. Had she known Jackie or Sienna’s combination, she surely would have borrowed their clothes, no matter what was in there.

But she’d already taken too long.

So, with a deep breath, Charlie twisted her face into that of firm determination, and she started walking to the diagnostic team’s office. Her heels _click-clacked_ against the linoleum floors, and if everyone wasn’t already staring, they certainly were now. Her skin burned under the attention, but she moved onward, projecting a confident air of disinterest to separate herself from the rumors.

She just needed to walk in, do whatever she was paged for, and leave.

Maybe Ethan wouldn’t even be there… He wasn’t the one who paged.

He didn’t like to listen to gossip. He might not ever find out that she was on her way to a date.

But of course, that would have been too easy.

Before she even reached the door, she saw Ethan’s absurdly tall frame bent over his desk, engrossed in a chart. The rest of the team were settled in the office, each at different points in the room. All of them would see her.

“Fuck,” she muttered for the second time.

Charlie hesitated at the door but forced herself to open it, drawing everyone’s attention as she announced her arrival, “I was paged.”

No member of the diagnostics team could remember being more shocked by Charlie than they were today. No wild diagnosis nor earth-shattering hospital gossip could compare to the wide-eyed silence they gave her.

Of course, none were more stunned than Ethan.

Once his eyes landed on her, he couldn’t tear them away. He’d seen Charlie at varying states, some more vulnerable or confident than others. He knew her worst and best. She was never more beautiful than she was peacefully asleep on his bed, but surely, this came close.

But she wasn’t made up for him.

This was for someone else.

Ethan’s jaw tightened, and the intensity of his stare forced Charlie’s eyes away from his in shame.

Not that she had anything to be ashamed of.

He hurt her and pushed her away. He could have had her. He chose not to.

She had the right to move on. She had the right to dress up and meet new people, and what she did with them was none of Ethan’s business.

So, why did she feel like she’d betrayed him?

“Damn, Charlie,” Baz was the first to speak, seemingly oblivious to Ethan’s rigid reaction, “Where are you going dressed like _that_?”

“Uh,” Charlie stammered. She hadn’t expected the question, and she struggled to think of an answer to deflect with, “I’m just meeting a friend.

It wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t the truth. She didn’t even _know_ who she was going to meet yet. That was the point of a blind date.

“Oh, really?” Baz didn’t take the hint and innocently pushed her further, “I’m planning on heading out tonight, too. Where are you going?”

Panic settled in Charlie’s stomach as she realized she couldn’t escape the conversation, and Ethan recognized the flush to her cheeks as she shrugged, “Some bar downtown. I don’t really remember the name.”

This time, she was lying. She knew _exactly_ where she was going. She was just too afraid of Baz showing up to tell him.

“Those are the _best nights_ – when you’re just running all over town with no real idea where you’re going. I’ll admit that I’m jealous, Charlie,” Baz conceded, “Why don’t you text me and we can meet up at some point? I love your friends.”

Baz meant it innocently, but Ethan watched him like a hawk, carefully dissecting every word he said just to be sure he wasn’t flirting with Charlie.

“ _Baz,_ ” June sighed in exasperation, “She’s going on a _date_.” She couldn’t believe her colleague had been so obtuse, even though she found the whole ordeal mildly amusing. She offered Charlie a consoling smile, and Charlie weakly returned it.

Baz’s eyes went wide in shock and then understanding, and he sheepishly rubbed his neck as he apologized, “Oh… That makes sense. Sorry, Charlie.”

“It’s all good,” Charlie felt like she might throw up. This whole interaction would have been uncomfortable on its own, but with Ethan in the room, it was overwhelming.

She didn’t dare look at him after June explained the situation. She couldn’t imagine what he was thinking. Did he even care? Or was he just protective about what he’d once claimed as his own?

Ethan didn’t understand what he felt. Everything was jumbled and chaotic, flashing with bursts of jealousy and disappointment and irritation. Whatever it was rooted deep in his limbs, and it spread through his veins like wildfire. He was overwhelmed and shocked, and he felt like he was drowning as his gaze turned hard.

He couldn’t let her go to another man looking like _that_. He had to stop her and distract her.

She wanted to be his. She _was_ his.

Ethan felt a profound claim over Charlie’s affection. She was his protégé, his friend, and his colleague, but she was more. She was the person who made him laugh. She was the girl who had tangled in his sheets and brandished the scent of his cologne as she paraded around his apartment in his clothes. She was his Charlie.

Only a week ago, she could have been in his bed.

But he’d said no…

He reminded himself that he was the one who pushed her away. He was _always_ the one who pushed her away, even if he occasionally lost his strength in doing so. It was for the best that they were separated.

Still… he’d never imagined having to watch her move on.

Before he acted like an asshole and ruined her night with unnecessary work, Ethan said, “I had Baz page you to run a few tests on Mr. Johnson, but I didn’t realize you had plans. Go ahead, and enjoy your night. I’ll handle it.”

Charlie met his stare for the second time, losing whatever polite smile she’d plastered on her face to conceal her embarrassment. A small, dissatisfied frown settled on her lips as she nodded in his direction, and she swallowed her disappointment as she thanked him.

Why was she disappointed? This was what she wanted. But there was a small part of her that hoped he would stop her, that he wouldn’t let her go and that she wouldn’t have to move on. She just wanted to hold on a little bit longer.

“Thank you, Dr. Ramsey,” Charlie dropped eye contact, turning to her other coworkers to bid them goodnight. They echoed her sentiments, and Charlie wasted no time in leaving the office, walking as fast as she could without seeming too desperate to leave.

Ethan felt glued to his seat, watching as her figure disappeared down the hallway and listening for the final _click-clack_ of her shoes. Then she was gone…

All of the air seemed to escape Ethan’s lungs, and he felt like he was choking on the weight of the realization that Charlie was lost to him. She was going to another man. She was actively trying to move on from him, if she hadn’t already. She didn’t want to stay in their confusing, volatile relationship.

And even if Ethan was the one who instigated their separation, he was devastated.

Not that he would admit it. Or show it.

Ethan stood, seemingly as stern as ever, and collected his files to begin testing his patient.

“Well… That was super embarrassing,” Baz broke the silence, leaned back in his chair as his hand washed over his face, “I never knew I was that dumb.”

“I knew,” June added, not looking up from her medical journal.

Baz shook his head, letting out a sigh as he offered, “Well, I’m still going out tonight. You interested, Hirata?”

“Thank you, but I’m afraid I’m otherwise engaged,” June declined.

Baz didn’t seem too concerned with rejection, and preparing for another one, he turned to Ethan, “What about you, Ramsey?”

In all of the time they’d worked together, Baz had asked Ethan to go out with him countless times, and Ethan had never said yes. Ethan rarely went out, and when he did, he had a drink or two at Donahue’s and went home. He didn’t run around Boston recklessly searching for adventure, and he certainly wouldn’t have done so with his coworker.

But when Ethan imagined returning to his empty apartment – the one he’d shared with Charlie on many nights – and jealously mourning his loss as he drank alone, anything else seemed preferable.

To his own surprise, he accepted, “Sure. We can leave after I finish the tests.”

* * *

Only a block from her destination, Charlie had no distraction to keep her from thinking about what she was doing. After being caught by her pager and revealing her plans to her colleagues, there was no catastrophe. No one else stopped her in the hospital. No surprising patient kept her at work, and no horrific traffic accident prevented her from getting a car downtown. And deep down, Charlie hated it.

She was really doing this.

She was going on a date with someone else.

The idea had been Kyra’s. When Charlie declared her intention to move on from Ethan, Kyra had a million ideas, most of which included kissing strangers until she forgot what Ethan tasted like. This had been the tamest solution, and Charlie agreed, picturing the whole thing as a hypothetical rather than her weekend plans.

Her friends were quick to suggest potential dates. Bryce produced a surgical intern as his nomination, hailing him as one of the “lesser assholes” on the team who would be a perfect rebound because he was too much of a workaholic to establish a serious relationship. Sienna, on the other hand, introduced a charming man she’d met in a coffee shop that oozed commitment and stability. Elijah similarly suggested a nice, stable friend, but Charlie declined both. Jackie thought that the idea of a blind date was ridiculous and suggested they go to a club, get shit-faced, and encourage Charlie to hook up with an attractive stranger.

It was Kyra who suggested David Abbott, a tech guy she’d met at a yoga class. He’d just sold a start-up and was trying to find a healthy work-life balance. They’d run into each other a few more times on Kyra’s mission to experience life and David’s quest to see what he’d missed when he’d dedicated his youth to his company. He was friendly, respectful, and too interested in finding himself to settle down. 

He was perfect.

But all Charlie could think about was the way Ethan looked at her when he realized what she was doing…

The car ride downtown ended too quickly, and Charlie hesitated to step out of the car after paying the driver. She stood on the sidewalk, ogling at the tall building as her determination wavered.

The sun had long set, and a gentle breeze coated Charlie’s bare skin. Summer was nearly over, but Charlie hardly remembered where it had gone. As she caught a glimpse of her reflection in the glass windows, she felt very different from the girl who arrived in Boston last summer. She’d been so many women in this city. The scared intern, the woman bent on survival, and then a ghost of the woman who had loved Ethan Ramsey. Now, it was time to be someone else…

Charlie counted to ten and then stepped inside the luxe water-front hotel, and she made her way to the trendy rooftop bar. The Boston cityscape glittered back at her, illuminating beautiful young people as they milled about. The Boston Harbor reflected the city back into the sky, and under the hazy glow, everything seemed new and bright.

Charlie texted David that she’d arrived, and as she moved through the crowd of people toward the bar, she hoped that she had more time. Maybe he was in traffic or was running behind.

She ordered a mojito, and as she waited for her drink, she admired the view. It was so idyllic – the water, the summer night sky, the first date with a handsome stranger, and the trendy bar where not a soul recognized her. So, why did Charlie feel claustrophobic and cagey? Guilt nagged at her heart, punishing her for a perceived transgression against a man who wasn’t even hers to betray.

She felt restless, and her fingers itched to text David with a feigned emergency. It would have been easy to leave, and the elevator doors seemed to call to her.

 _You don’t have to do this_ , they implored, _You don’t have to let go of Ethan_.

She didn’t decide fast enough.

The bartender shoved her mojito at her, and she ambled off to the railing, staring at the scene below.

“Charlie?”

Surprised by the sound of her name, Charlie shifted her attention to the man approaching her.

“David?” she asked, though she doubted it could be anyone else.

“Guilty as charged,” David produced a hand for her to shake, sparing her from hugging a stranger, and Charlie accepted it thankfully.

As she appraised him, she noted that he looked nothing like Ethan. He was younger, though he shared lines etched into his face by stress. David was shorter, though not by too much, and his fashionably cut hair was blonde. He looked at ease in the bar as his brown eyes surveyed the scene, and he stood differently than Ethan, too. He was open and vulnerable, and Charlie doubted that he was capable of feeling emotion without openly expressing it.

He was everything that Ethan wasn’t.

And that irked Charlie.

Charlie followed David as he led her to a seat by the water. She sat opposite him, her spine straight and her grip on her drink delicate. She felt like she was sitting for an interview rather than a date, but if he was alarmed by her formality, he didn’t let on.

“So, before I embarrass myself, I must confess that I know _nothing_ about medicine. Everything I know comes from _Greys Anatomy_ and the time I went to the emergency room after breaking my leg skiing in college,” David laughed as he took a sip of his drink. It was tall and dark, but Charlie didn’t recognize it. “However, Kyra assures me that you are _extremely_ impressive, and I don’t doubt it.”

Charlie’s posture softened at the compliment, and she blushed, “Kyra has also told me that three separate coffee shops have cappuccinos so delicious that you’ll cry at the first taste, so I don’t know if I would take her word on it.”

David laughed so hard that he had to put down his drink to keep from spilling it, and when he looked back at her, there was a sparkle in his eyes that piqued Charlie’s interest.

“Have you ever tasted a cappuccino that made you cry?” David challenged.

“Not yet, but I’m open to the experience.”

David was smirking.

Charlie found herself smirking back.

“So far, you’re exactly as great as Kyra said. Unless you’ve got some wild hidden skeleton in your closet,” he shrugged, “Like maybe this all a rouse to murder me in an alley.”

“Damn, you ruined my plans,” Charlie played along, “I guess I should go home.”

“I swear, all the good ones are serial killers,” David shook his head with feigned disappointment, and it made Charlie smile.

She added _‘funny´_ to her list of what she knew about David.

“What about you? Living out a bucket list at 30? That’s a little suspicious,” Charlie teased, though her curiosity was apparent.

“I saw it in a romantic comedy and thought it would make women fall in love with me.”

Charlie gasped, shoving David lightly with her leg, and he beamed back.

“Alright, alright. I’m _kidding_ ,” David conceded, “I spent my entire twenties trying to make something of myself. I skipped parties, dates, holidays, everything. As ridiculous as this sounds, I loved my company. Like, true love. Like, someone should have sent me to therapy sort of _love_ ,” David quipped and seemed satisfied that Charlie was amused, “When I sold my company, I didn’t know what to love anymore. I’m on a quest for love. I think that’s what we’re all looking for, really.”

Charlie hummed appreciatively, sipping from her mojito. If he could dedicate himself so fully to moving on from the loss of something he loved, maybe she could do the same. Maybe they could do it together.

“How philosophical for someone I met fifteen minutes ago,” Charlie teased. 

“Ahh, but you haven’t left yet. So, I must not have scared you off,” David celebrated.

And he hadn’t.

Three drinks later, they were still seated by the water, talking. The bar’s crowd expanded, and more than a few patrons eyed their seats enviously. The music had gotten louder, too, so they had to lean closer to share their funny stories and humorous observations. More than once, David’s hand landed on her knee when he leaned in to tell a joke, and Charlie let him.

She liked David Abbott, and the date was going well.

Still, when she smiled at David, she thought about Ethan.

He was always in the corner of her mind. She wondered what he would do if he were here, what he would say or drink. Where would he have taken her on a blind date? What sort of first impression would he have left? Would he have kissed her goodnight or said goodbye at the door?

She tried to put that out of her mind as she listened to David share a story about a crazy roommate in college, and she was so determined to be entertained that she didn’t notice the two men enter the bar.

Because if she had, she wouldn’t have cared about David’s story. She might not have even cared about David.

“This place is packed!” Baz felt like he had to yell to make sure Ethan heard him, and Ethan nodded his agreement, remaining silent.

Ethan was eager to start drinking, and he didn’t care how busy the bar was. He’d agreed to go out with Baz with the sole intention of distracting himself from Charlie. Sober, he couldn’t get her out of his mind, and he couldn’t sit under the weight of his regret and jealousy.

“I’m going to circle the bar to find a place to sit! You stay here and look for one, too!” Baz suggested, “If either of us finds something, we’ll text each other, okay?”

He agreed, and Baz set off to make his loop.

Ethan surveyed the landscape. Everyone was young and hip, and it made Ethan feel old in comparison. Several women were looking in his direction, and for a moment, he was tempted to approach them. It would serve Charlie right. She should be just as jealous as he was…

But when he imagined taking another woman home just to spite her, he felt sick. He didn’t want to hurt Charlie more than he already had. And he really didn’t want anyone else.

So, he quickly averted his eyes and searched the edge of the party, where most of the seats had been filled by couples. He craned his neck to see if anything was available, and that’s when he saw her.

 _Charlie_.

Leaning into another man. Listening to him. With his hand on her knee. And she was smiling.

Ethan’s world seemed to stop moving. Everything else faded to the back. He couldn’t hear the music or the crowd, but he could hear her laugh. He could see her smile and feel the warmth, even at a distance. She glowed under the moonlight, and in his gut, Ethan knew she was happy.

He stumbled back, unable to look away.

It was one thing to know that she should move on and find someone else.

It was another to watch her do it.

He wanted to intervene and tell her that he’d changed his mind – that he’d seen the light and knew that he needed her in his life.

But that wasn’t fair either.

Ethan’s phone buzzed, and he fumbled for the device, only looking away from Charlie to read the text on his phone.

 **Baz: it’s full here. any luck?**

**Ethan: None. Should we leave?**

**Baz: meet you at the elevator**

Ethan exhaled a deep sigh of relief, eager to get the hell out of there and never return. But when he started to walk away, he hesitated. He didn’t want to leave her… He didn’t want to let her go.

In the end, he didn’t let go, not really. He just left the bar and went to another, and he drank until he stopped hearing her laugh ring in his ears.

Charlie and David stayed at the bar for a little while longer, sharing weird experiences in public transit and funny stories about their college roommates. David suggested getting pizza, and when Charlie admitted that she’d only had a protein bar for dinner, he wouldn’t let her say no to a slice. David paid the tab, and as soon as they were in the elevator, he began bragging about the best pizza place in town and how he and all of his friends had frequented it back in the day.

It was close enough to walk, and they fell into a comfortable rhythm. It was there that Charlie realized that this could have been more than a first date. It could have been spending the night together or dinner next Friday. It could be a weekend out of town to see the leaves in the fall. It could be dinner at the loft to meet all of her friends. It could be _real_.

And suddenly, Charlie really missed Ethan. 

They were only a block from the pizza place when Charlie’s phone buzzed in her purse. She fished it out as they waited at a crosswalk, and she twisted her face in surprise at the caller ID.

_Baz._

“Sorry about this, a friend is calling,” Charlie apologized to David, though he assured her that she didn’t need to.

When she accepted the call, she could hardly hear over the roaring bar in the background. But Baz was there. He was laughing and seemed oblivious that Charlie had even answered.

“Hello? Baz?” Charlie called out, “Are you there?”

“ _Charlie!_ ” Baz exclaimed, so excited that she wondered if he had forgotten that he even called. He was definitely drunk, “You’ve got to get down here! We’re having the best timeeeeeeee.”

“Maybe you should call it a night, Baz,” Charlie warned him softly, crossing the street by David’s side.

“Noooo, I couldn’t do that! Ethan would be crushed.”

Charlie’s heart stopped. _Ethan_.

“He’s soooo drunk, Charlie. He’s, like, dancing,” Baz confided, “Between you and me, I think he’s pretty far gone. Somebody should probably call him a car.”

If Baz was this drunk and was worried about Ethan, something had to be wrong. Charlie felt sick.

“Is he okay? Are you okay?” Charlie’s voice had taken an edge of panic, and David looked to her in concern.

“I’m _fine_ ,” Baz insisted, “But Ethan… I mean, he is _drunk_ , Charlie.”

“Can you take him home?” Charlie felt like she was begging. Ethan didn’t do this. Someone needed to help. 

“But we’re having a great time!” Baz huffed, sounding like a child annoyed at having to end his party.

“Baz,” Charlie was frustrated, “He needs to go home. _You_ need to take him home. Where are you? I can send an Uber.”

“Are you coming to the bar?” Baz must not have heard all she said, or maybe he was too drunk to care, “We’re at The Hub. I can’t wait to see you!”

 _Click_.

Charlie’s face paled as she pulled the phone away from her and confirmed that he’d hung up on her. Anxiety built in her chest, making it tight and uncomfortable. She imagined Ethan, too drunk and under the faulty care of an intoxicated Baz, and she wanted to throw up.

She hadn’t realized that they’d reached the pizza restaurant until David stopped walking.

Distracted, she stopped and looked to David, waiting for some kind of cue to enter the small restaurant. She couldn’t think about sitting down and eating, not after Baz’s call. She felt like she needed to get there as soon as she could and save them before something horrible happened, but she didn’t feel like she had the license. She was supposed to forget Ethan, not run to him on her first date with someone else.

“You’re leaving, aren’t you?” David phrased it like a question, shoving his hands in his pockets, but he knew it was the truth.

“I’m sorry,” Charlie confessed, “I’m just really worried about my friend.”

David nodded like he understood, “You sure you’re not just ditching?”

“I’m not ditching,” Charlie shook her head, “I had fun.”

“I did, too,” David confessed, “Raincheck on the pizza?”

“Deal,” Charlie agreed quickly, though something felt strange about her promise. Was she really sure she would make it to the second date?

“Good luck with your friend,” David wanted to be encouraging, but he really didn’t want to let her go. He liked Charlie more than he expected he would, but he sensed the flight in her. There was something in her eyes that made him unconvinced that he would ever see her again. He kissed her cheek just in case it really was goodbye.

“Thank you for a nice time, David,” Charlie didn’t want to seem final, but as she awkwardly waved goodbye, it felt final anyway.

The Hub was only a few blocks away, and after a short walk, Charlie found herself in a small, crowded pub. It was impossible to hear anything over the thundering music and conversation, so she pushed through the crowd to find a familiar face.

She found Baz first.

He was sitting at the bar, beer in hand as he talked to another man. The closer she got, she realized that they were debating politics. Though they agreed on most topics, their remaining disagreements made the conversation contentious and animated. Stacks of empty shot glasses sat in front of Baz, and there was no way he’d finished all of them. At least some of them must have been Ethan’s.

Charlie fought through the throngs of people to reach Baz, and she tapped on his shoulder to get his attention.

“Charlie!” Baz exclaimed, wrapping Charlie in a hug, and she was too surprised to reciprocate. Baz pulled her to his side, “This is my friend Charlie! Charlie, this is Damien. _Damien_ doesn’t think that corporations are responsible for going carbon neutral in the next decade! Can you believe that?”

Baz fumed, ready to start a war with Charlie at his side, but Charlie merely shook her head, leaning to his ear to ask, “Where is Ethan?”

Baz looked around quickly, seeming surprised that Ethan wasn’t beside him. After a beat, he remembered and yelled, “He went to the back!”

“Okay,” Charlie took her phone, opening the Uber app and handing it to him, “Call a car to your apartment. We’re leaving as soon as I find Ethan, alright?”

Baz pouted but complied. Trusting that he was drunk enough to go home but not in immediate danger, Charlie left Baz to finish his debate. The space was small enough that it only took Charlie a few minutes to reach the back of the bar, though she had to shove several patrons just to get by. They mumbled insults as she passed, yet she hardly heard them. She needed to find Ethan.

And she did.

Ethan Ramsey was leaned against the wall, too dizzy to stand straight. He’d been marooned in this corner when his latest drink made the world spin too fast, and he couldn’t collect himself enough to walk back to the front. He’d tried once, only to nearly fall on his face. So, he’d camped out here, watching the partygoers. There were too many couples looking happy, and he rolled his eyes at every single one. Why had they gotten it all right?

Ethan’s vision was hazy, so he didn’t believe it when he saw Charlie approach him.

Relief surged through Charlie’s veins, bringing tears to her eyes as she approached him. Instinctively, she wanted to hold him and kiss that stupid expression off his face, but she felt held back.

“Charlie?” Ethan slurred, still convinced he imagined her.

“Come on,” Charlie held out her hand, “I’m taking you home.”

He wanted to tell her that he’d seen the two of them together, that he was jealous and miserable because of it. But instead, he whined, “I’m dizzy.”

“That’s okay,” Charlie’s voice was soft as she hooked her arm around his waist, stabilizing him. He leaned into her just enough to walk straight, and together, they moved through the crowd. By the time they reached Baz, he had successfully ordered a car, and Charlie fished Ethan’s credit card out of his wallet to cover the tab. She forced Baz to end his debate with his new friend, and she towed the two men out of the bar.

On the sidewalk, Baz and Ethan gulped the fresh air. Ethan leaned back against the façade of the building, trying to catch his breath, and while Charlie stood back, she watched him with concern.

Baz was telling her something funny about the bartender, but Charlie hardly heard a word.

When the car arrived, they squeezed into the backseat. Ethan got in first, leaning against the cool window to sober up, and when Charlie slid in beside him, his arm wrapped around her waist as if anchoring himself to her. Baz was the last to enter the car, and he kept talking. The driver entertained him, laughing at whatever Baz’s joke was.

“I have a secret,” Ethan’s whisper was soft as he leaned into Charlie, his head resting on her shoulder.

Charlie’s hands were in his hair, massaging soothing circles in his scalp as she asked, “What is it?”

“You can’t tell Charlie,” Ethan declared, his words slurring.

“I won’t,” Charlie assured him, feeling a tad guilty at the deception.

“I saw her on her date,” he confessed, “And I miss her. So much. I want her to be happy… But I miss her.”

Charlie’s chest tightened, and her heart raced, “You see her every day.”

Ethan shook his head, “She doesn’t want to be around me. I hurt her. I meant to hurt her. I want her to find better than me.” His voice wavered, thick with emotion.

“She misses you, too,” Charlie professed breathlessly, suddenly aware of every missing piece she’d been looking for with David.

She missed Ethan. She’d missed Ethan from the moment she lost him in the spring.

Ethan hummed, his eyelids heavy as he fell further into Charlie.

At some point, they had reached Baz’s apartment building. He gave Charlie a tight hug, disturbing Ethan’s peaceful rest, and he bid them both goodnight.

“This was so much fun! We have to do this another time!” Baz called out after he’d already closed the door, cupping his mouth to make sure they’d heard it. Charlie laughed, watching as he waved until they faded into the distance.

Even with the open seat, Charlie didn’t move from the middle. She held Ethan in her arms, steadying him as dizziness and nausea gripped him. Even in his drunken stupor, he promised himself to never drink this much again.

Ethan’s apartment wasn’t much farther away, and Charlie thanked the driver as she slipped out of the backseat. She offered her arm to Ethan as he stood, and he wrapped himself around her. Though he towered over Charlie, he walked in step with her, arm around her waist and head bent to hers. He managed to give her the key to let her in the building, and he gagged at the sudden movement of the elevator. Charlie’s hand ran the length of his back to keep him calm.

When they entered his apartment, Jenner roused from his slumber to greet them. He barked excitedly at Charlie, and she smiled at him, showering him in compliments as she promised to pet him soon.

“I feel sick,” Ethan announced, eyes hooded, and she swore he was turning green.

“Okay,” Charlie soothed his hair, feeling the sweat on his brow, “Let’s go to the bathroom.”

Ethan didn’t object as she steered him through his apartment, leading him to his master bathroom. He dropped to the floor, relieved by the cold tile, and Charlie wet a cold rag to cool him down.

“How are you feeling?” she asked tenderly, kicking off her high heels to kneel beside him.

“I feel fine,” Ethan lied, “I just need a cold shower and I’ll be perfect-“ Ethan didn’t get to finish that thought before another wave of nausea hit, and he scrambled to the toilet bowl, throwing up hours of vodka shots and pretzels. Charlie sat with him through it, tracing patterns on her back to soothe him.

Even in his clouded state of mind, he appreciated that she was there.

When he was done, he grimaced, “I think I’m dead.”

“You just threw up. You’ll be fine,” Charlie rolled her eyes, smiling at him as if he hadn’t just puked in front of her. She offered a washcloth to wipe his mouth with, which he accepted, and then a little cup of mouthwash, “Gargle this.”

“I might throw it up.”

“You won’t if you don’t swallow it,” Charlie shoved the small cup at him, and he begrudgingly took it.

Ethan gargled the mouth wash before spitting it back up in the toilet bowl. He flushed it down and stood, feeling shaky and exhausted.

“Do you want to go to bed?” Charlie offered, holding his hand.

Ethan nodded, failing to find words that sat well on his stomach. He wanted to thank her, but he worried that if he spoke too much, he would start vomiting words instead of pretzel.

Holding on for stability and comfort, Ethan let Charlie lead him back to his bedroom. He kicked at his shoes, struggling to get him off his feet as Charlie pulled back the duvet. He peeled off his clothes, throwing them in a pile by his bed, and he fell into the cool sheets with a relieved sigh.

“Roll on your side. You’re not going to sleep on your back, okay? Do you promise me?” Charlie’s voice was surprisingly authoritative, and though the room was still spinning, he did as she said. She didn’t want to leave him alone, not when she’d just watched him throw up a shelf worth of alcohol, but she wasn’t sure if she could stay.

“Are you-“ Ethan swallowed, looking queasy, “leaving?”

Ethan’s eyes opened fully. This time, he could see her without blurry edges or double vision. She looked so pretty, so concerned…

He looked hurt and dejected by the idea of her leaving, and her stomach dipped.

“I probably should…” Charlie didn’t sound sure of herself.

Ethan nodded like he understood, but his head felt like it had gone through a blender. He couldn’t really process anything other than she was here.

“Stay until I fall asleep,” he murmured, eyes already fluttering closed.

Charlie couldn’t say no.

As she sat on the bed beside him, she tried to convince herself that it wouldn’t be long. Soon, he would be asleep. Then, she could leave. She just had to wait.

“Just until you fall asleep,” Charlie was mostly talking to herself as Ethan flipped on his other side to face her. She couldn’t resist the urge to smooth his hair out of his face, eyes soft with worry.

Ethan’s arm draped over her waist lazily. His head fell to the pillow beside hers, his body warmth radiating to Charlie’s skin. He felt warm and vulnerable and, despite being sick, at ease. And somehow Charlie felt at home.

“My Charlie…” Ethan murmured, half-asleep but smiling, and knowing he couldn’t see her, Charlie allowed herself to smile as her heart swelled with affection.

 _My Ethan,_ she thought.

What a fitting end to a first date. All she proved was that she would always run to Ethan, but instead of being disappointed in herself, she stayed in the moment and weakly promised herself that she wouldn’t do it again.

But she had a habit of breaking promises when it came to Ethan…

* * *

The next morning, Ethan woke with a start. His head throbbed, and his throat burned with acid from the night before. The act of sitting up in bed nearly made him lose whatever food was left in his stomach, and he held onto the headboard to stabilize himself. Even with the lights off and every curtain drawn, it was too bright in his room.

“What the fuck?” Ethan groaned, taking long deep breaths to get himself together.

His eyes fell to the empty, rumpled sheets beside him.

 _She left_ , he realized.

He knew she would. She even warned him the night before. Yet waking up without her felt wrong and unexpected.

“Stop it,” he chastised himself, “You pushed her away.”

Ethan hauled himself out of bed, feeling gross and in desperate need of a shower. He pulled on a t-shirt from his closet and stumbled out of his bedroom. He was on a mission to make himself a hot cup of coffee, no matter how hungover he was. He fumbled with the kettle, cursing himself for not owning a simple coffee maker, and he went through the process, occasionally covering his eyes to shield himself from the sun coming through his windows.

 _Click_.

Ethan jumped, turning his attention to his front door as the lock clicked into place and the knob turned. Who the hell would be coming in his apartment? Fuck, was his dad making a surprise visit? He couldn’t see him like this. He didn’t want to see _anyone_. He just wanted to hide in his bed.

Just as Ethan feared, the door swung open, and there was a bark on the other side.

“What the fuck?” Ethan murmured.

As if released from his leash, Jenner bounded into the apartment, running up to Ethan and rising on his hind legs to get his master’s attention. Ethan absently scratched his ears, eyes still wide as he tried to understand what was happening.

Then he saw a flash of blonde hair.

Charlie entered the apartment, empty leash in one hand and his apartment key in the other. She was still wearing her dress from the night before, though it looked rumbled and disheveled now. Ethan slowly realized that she’d slept here. _And she’d stayed_.

“Oh, you’re up,” Charlie looked surprised to see him, “I just… um, took Jenner for a walk.”

“Thank you,” Ethan couldn’t wipe the look of shock off his face, “I didn’t expect to see you.”

Charlie shrugged, chewing on her lower lip as she tried to seem nonchalant, but how do you appear casual after dropping everything to pick up an old fling and spending hours caring for him?

“Thank you for last night, too,” Ethan knew he was appreciative, though he didn’t know how appreciative he should be. He could hardly remember a thing other than seeing her on her date, going to a bar, and then riding home with her.

“You’re welcome,” Charlie laughed, “As soon as Baz called and told me you were _dancing_ at a bar, I knew you two needed to call it a night.”

“I was _dancing_?” Ethan repeated incredulously.

“I mean, by the time I got there, you were just glaring at people from a corner, but I trust Baz,” Charlie admitted.

“God,” Ethan grimaced, leaning against his kitchen cabinets as he marveled at how foolish he’d made himself, “I’m sorry you had to deal with that, Charlie.”

“I didn’t mind,” Charlie was surprisingly truthful. She knew she should have resented him for interrupting her night, but she couldn’t will herself to be annoyed, “Besides… You saved me from my drunk self once. I was just returning the favor.”

Right.

The night she texted him drunk before the ethics hearing. He’d searched all of Boston to find her, and they’d spent the weekend in his apartment hiding from the world. That was their beginning.

Ethan found himself smiling at the memory. Everything seemed brighter and better then, even if it was the darkest point in his mental health. He’d had Charlie, and somehow, that was enough.

“Can I make it up to you with breakfast?” Ethan offered, hoping to reward her for her generosity but also desperate to keep her here a little longer.

“You feel up to cooking?” Charlie asked suspiciously.

“Oh God, _no_. I’m going to order. I almost threw up making this coffee,” he motioned vaguely to his French press, and Charlie bit back her laugher.

“Okay…” Charlie was smiling, and it made his knees feel weak, “Breakfast it is. But if you throw up again, I’m not holding your hair.”

Ethan smirked, shaking his head, “No promises.”

“Well…” Charlie shrugged, “I’ll stay anyway.”


	8. Hangover Cure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after Charlie ended her date to rescue a very drunk Ethan from a downtown pub, Charlie offers to share her best hangover cures, but as they spend the morning together, their boundaries seem to blur. Can they get comfortable with one another again, or are they risking getting hurt again?

Ethan Ramsey hadn’t been this hungover since he was in medical school. Then, he’d had the luxury of hiding in his apartment, drinking Pedialyte, and chasing his migraine with leftover Chinese food. Now, he was an adult with responsibilities and a routine. He was not the kind to close his blinds and waste the rest of the day.

Yet, as he gripped his bathroom counter for stability and hung his head to fight the wave of nausea, that was exactly what he wanted to do.

“Get yourself together,” Ethan mumbled under his breath, wrapping a towel around his waist and leveling his gaze in the bathroom mirror. He grimaced under the harsh, artificial lights, but he maintained eye contact with his reflection.

Hangovers are for irresponsible college kids chugging cheap vodka – not for a respected professional nearing 40.

The coffee had helped as much as it could. He felt awake, and his head hurt less. But too much movement made him dizzy, and his entire body ached. He felt ridiculous and old and irresponsible and…

Ethan signed deeply as he realized he was also _happy_. Because Charlie was here. Because she’d left a first date to rescue him from his own debauchery, and because she’d stayed.

Somehow, Ethan felt more pathetic than he did when he’d nearly puked in the shower moments before.

Dropping his reflection’s condescending stare, Ethan brushed his teeth and went to his closet. For a moment, his eyes lingered on a pair of respectable dress pants and a button-up shirt, and he imagined that wearing them would prove that he was a responsible adult. However, when he caught sight of his sweatpants and a workout shirt, he opted for comfort over maturity.

After dressing, he started walking to his living room with an extra pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt in hand.

Ethan’s apartment had always been designed for one person, and that was what prompted him to purchase it six years ago. To his realtor’s bewilderment, he rejected any apartment he deemed too large or too well suited for a family. He worried that, if his apartment was too mature, it would prompt questions about when he intended to marry or have a family. He rejected several homes on the basis of having too many bedrooms because he didn’t want to encourage long-term guests. Ethan’s home was meant for Ethan and no one else. There were no unnecessary dividers to shield individuals from one another if they grew too irritated. Everything was open, from the well-appointed kitchen to the living room to the expansive windows and balcony. Only one wall interrupted the space – a privacy wall that separated the kitchen from the small hallway leading to his master and spare room. 

So, as soon as he left his bedroom, there was nowhere to look but at her.

_His Charlie._

She wasn’t the only woman who had been in his apartment during the last six years. During their affair, Harper had spent many evenings at his dining table and in his bed, but she was rarely present in the mornings. And she never seemed to fill the space as Charlie did, leaving a piece of herself on everything she touched so that Ethan could only think of her when he looked around his home.

Charlie was lounging comfortably on the couch, Jenner draped across her lap as she scrolled through menus on her smartphone. Her hair was piled on top of her head in a haphazard bun in stark contrast to the sleek, sophisticated dress that hugged her frame. Ethan realized, with a deep sigh of relief, that he was the one who got to see her like this, not the one who had touched her knee at the bar last night.

“You’re alive,” Charlie quipped, her eyes darting from her smartphone to him.

Her gaze, as always, felt warm and comforting, but he pretended not to be affected as he approached her.

“Hardly,” he groaned, “I feel remarkably close to death.”

It had been her suggestion that he take a shower while she made their breakfast order, and he was grateful. He felt much more like a person and less shameful for his embarrassing behavior the night before.

Charlie’s lips quirked up as she tried to swallow her smile. She didn’t want to find his suffering comical, but if he insisted on being so dramatic about it, she couldn’t help herself.

“If it makes you feel any better, I’ll make sure people only have nice things to say at your funeral,” Charlie feigned a severe expression, and he narrowed his eyes at her once he realized she was making fun of him.

“I think that’s a task not even you could accomplish, Charlotte,” Ethan rarely used her full name, and it made Charlie’s eyebrows raise.

She was already thinking of her comeback when Ethan produced a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt. In her confusion, Charlie forgot what she was going to say. After staring at the clothes for a beat, she looked back up to him, her bewilderment evident.

“You’ve been wearing that dress since 8 pm last night. You deserve a change of clothes, Charlie,” Ethan was nonchalant as he sat on the edge of the couch, massaging his temple as if giving little thought to the act.

Maybe that’s what made the gesture so startling.

Charlie accepted the clothes, staring at the fabric as if trying to answer a question she hadn’t yet asked. Her expression was devoid of the impish playfulness that shielded her deeper feelings from their interactions, and she could no longer hide behind humor.

It was ridiculous that she was so moved. She’d left David in the cold last night just to make sure Ethan was alright, and after dragging him home, she’d stayed with him as he stumbled and vomited. She’d waited all night, in fact. In contrast, he offered her a pair of sweatpants.

But there was a sense of familiarity and intimacy that she hadn’t expected.

She’d only worn his clothes after having sex with him. Now, she got to wear them just because he was worried about her comfort. 

There was no emotional distance to protect herself. They were growing comfortable again, and historically, that had never ended well for them.

“Thanks, Ethan,” Charlie gripped the clothes tighter, finally piquing Ethan’s interest, but she deflected quickly, “While I go change, you can add whatever you want to the order.”

Charlie handed Ethan her cell phone, which was already open to a delivery app. The cart was full of breakfast essentials from a popular restaurant near Ethan’s apartment. Since Charlie had never been, she’d taken the liberty of sampling everything fit for a hungover feast.

Ethan’s eyes widened as he scanned the list.

Included in the long order were waffles, bacon, hash browns, fried eggs, sausage, and more. It was more fried food than Ethan had eaten in years.

“Charlie,” Ethan’s head whipped around to find her, only to see that she had already disappeared into his room to change, “Charlie!” he called out louder, sounding alarmed, “What is this order?”

“ _Don’t delete anything!”_ Charlie warned, yelling from the other side of the door as she shimmied out of her dress. His shirt felt soft and warm, and it still smelled like his cologne.

“You intend to order _all of this_?” Ethan asked incredulously, “If I don’t die of a hangover, I’ll die from a heart attack.”

He didn’t need to see her to know that she was rolling her eyes as she countered, “You will be fine!”

“Charlie, this is ridiculous,” Ethan was still complaining, and Charlie groaned at his protests as she tightened the drawstring of her sweatpants.

From his bedroom, she could hear him mumble complaints about how unhealthy the options were and how they should have known better as medical professionals, and though Charlie felt frustrated, she caught a glimpse of her smile in the mirror.

Charlie decided to let Ethan tire himself out with his own complaints, and she finished changing and folded up her dress, carrying it with her to make sure she wouldn’t forget it when she left later this afternoon.

By the time Charlie returned to the living room, Ethan had scrolled through every option on the digital menu, growing irritated with the strain in his eyes from the prolonged screen exposure as it aggravated his headache. He mumbled something to himself about how much he hated being hungover, and Charlie snickered, accidentally revealing herself.

Ethan glanced back, and a lump formed in his throat as he took in the familiar sight of her dressed in his clothes. It reminded him of all the time they’d spent together in his apartment – their first real fight in his living room, their first time together, the night she left him, and the night she’d suddenly appeared on his doorstep.

Everything with Charlie was laden with memories and deeper meanings, and Ethan wondered how he’d ever allowed himself to be in such a predicament.

He’d always been bad at resisting Charlie…

“What?” Charlie asked obliviously as she took her spot next to him on the couch, “Greasy breakfasts are a key element in all hangover recoveries.”

“Believe it or not, I, a thirty-seven-year-old man, have been hungover before,” Ethan begrudgingly returned the phone to her as she held out her hand for it. Though, as he spoke, she seemed more interested in what he was saying than her cellphone or breakfast order.

“I’ve seen you hungover, Ethan. You’re even grumpier than usual,” Charlie’s lips were quirked up in a playful grin, and Ethan realized she was the only person in the world who could get away with such a statement and still make him smile.

“And I’ve never resorted to a heart-attack breakfast special,” Ethan seemed proud of the fact he’d maintained his healthy diet even when fighting off a pounding headache, and Charlie shrugged casually.

“That’s fair… But when was the last time you drank an entire shelf of alcohol and started dancing in the middle of a crowded pub?” Charlie raised an eyebrow, daring him to answer.

Ethan opened his mouth, sure that he could think of a similar night, but he failed to produce one. Charlie watched as his eyebrows knit together in frustration, and she resisted the urge to smooth them out.

Ethan leaned back into the couch, and cautiously, he admitted, “It’s been a few years…”

Charlie grinned in victory, but he quickly added, “However, I don’t think I’m nearly as hungover as you think I am.”

“Oh?” Charlie asked, voice full of doubt. Judging solely from how drunk he’d been the night before, anyone could conclude that he had to feel terrible now. But his behavior this morning was further proof that he was very, _very_ hungover.

Not believing him, she decided to test him.

“Well, if you’re not feeling bad, why don’t we skip all of the hangover cures? Maybe we should go for a run,” Charlie suggested, watching as his face paled. Encouraged by his adverse reaction, she pushed further, “It’s such a beautiful, sunny day. Why don’t we go to the farmer’s market and pick up some fresh ingredients to make breakfast ourselves?” Ethan’s eyes widened with horror, and for the cherry on top, she added, “There’s a live band.”

Ethan flinched.

“And lots of new _smells_ and _people talking_.”

Ethan dropped eye contact, nearly gagging at her words. He felt too sick to register his embarrassment, and he closed his eyes and took a deep, calming breath to fight off oncoming nausea.

“You made your point, Charlie,” Ethan affirmed, leaning his elbows on his knees as he covered his face with his hands, “Hiding in my apartment and eating greasy food it is.”

Charlie felt a pang of guilt and sympathy, and to fight her instinct to soothe him with physical touch, she turned her attention to her phone. Trying to make up for her display, she added a few bottles of Gatorade and a healthy spinach omelet to her cart. After plugging in Ethan’s address into the app, she confirmed the order.

“It’ll be 40 minutes,” Charlie announced, and when she looked back at him, he was closer to calming himself but was still so miserable…

Unable to stop herself, she smoothed his hair, pulling it off his forehead as she leveled his gaze at him. Dropping her voice to a whisper, she asked, “You okay?”

Ethan nodded, turning his head just enough to look at her, and when he did, he was struck by the intimacy of the moment. This wasn’t in the rules.

But really, _nothing_ they were doing fit into the rules they’d made for their relationship.

Belatedly, he realized that she could have been anywhere. She had every opportunity to go home with someone else, to be a beautiful young woman in the big city. She owed Ethan nothing, yet she did everything for him.

It was different than falling into his bed. Those were normal, human urges prompted by a romantic history and extended close proximity. This was different.

In that moment of clarity, Ethan wanted to ask about the man he’d seen with her at the bar. He wanted to know why she left her date to rescue him. He wanted to understand why they consistently failed at staying apart.

He wanted to know if they were just running from something that had always been inevitable.

Something warm and soft bloomed in Charlie’s chest as she met his gaze. She felt lost in the depths of his ocean blue eyes, yet there was something sad in the flutter of her heart. Because every time she felt like this, there was a sobering wave to follow. No matter how long she managed to chase it away, she always remembered who they were, what they’d done, and how deeply they hurt one another. The innocence of their relationship was long gone, replaced with layers of mistakes and misinterpretations.

She was supposed to leave it behind.

Yet, when given a chance to find someone else, she came back here…

She felt a sudden urge to cancel the mobile order, pick up her clothes, and leave. She was wading into dangerous territory, and she didn’t trust herself not to lose herself to the tide.

But she stayed.

“You must think that I look pathetic.”

“I don’t,” Charlie smiled softly, sitting close like she was trying to share a secret in a crowded room, “Though I can’t promise I won’t tease you for it.”

Ethan chuckled, wishing that she would never move her hand from his hair.

“What’s next on your list of hangover cures?” he wanted her to stay, and he could feel her urge to run.

Charlie smirked, “You might not like it.”

“If you make me swallow a raw egg, I’ll never trust you again,” Ethan felt queasy at the thought and had to straighten his spine just to keep it at bay.

Charlie laughed one of those deep, throaty chuckles that made him feel like the funniest person in the world.

“ _No_ , though I will keep that in mind,” Charlie stood, which mildly disappointed Ethan. Without an explanation, she began to look around his living room. He watched her for a moment, expecting an explanation but never receiving one.

“What are you doing?”

Charlie waved him off, finding the remote she was looking for and throwing it to him. Before he could ask any further questions, she started walking back to his bedroom, and he observed with a wide, confused stare. She returned moments later with a spare blanket from his closet.

Ethan watched her in awe as she spread the blanket across the couch, moving through his apartment with such ease. No one had ever looked so comfortable here, especially not with him.

“My cure is a blanket?” Ethan asked incredulously, waiting for the twist.

“No,” Charlie confirmed, slipping under the blanket and stretching across the couch. She was tall enough that her feet were now at his side, and he could feel her body heat. “The cure is that you are going to get comfortable on this couch and spend hours watching Netflix. No medical journals. No work. Just mind-numbing television.”

“ _Hours_?” Ethan repeated, failing to suppress his repulsion.

Ethan hadn’t had a lazy Saturday in years. Even when he spent weekends with his father, he was always doing something – checking a chart, fixing something around the property, or answering emails. The closest he’d come to a day of full relaxation was when he’d drive up to visit Naveen at the lake, but even then, he played informative audiobooks on the drive and discussed work over dinner.

The idea of doing nothing horrified him.

Ethan Ramsey didn’t sit in silence. He didn’t stop moving. Because, when he did, he didn’t like what he saw in his reflection.

“ _Hours_ ,” Charlie confirmed.

“Surely, you’re exaggerating. I am perfectly capable of reading a journal or two,” Ethan persisted.

“Ethan, you deserve the day off. Take it,” Charlie poked his outer thigh with her foot, “Besides, you agreed to try my hangover cures. This is one of them.”

Ethan hesitated, fighting the anxiety building in his chest.

Did he know how to do nothing with Charlie? Did he trust himself to sit next to her without work as a distraction?

As Charlie watched him mull over the decision, she wondered if he knew something she didn’t. Was he right in his hesitation? Was it safe for them to spend time together like this?

“I’ll try,” Ethan finally consented, making Charlie beam, and for a moment, his fears disappeared. If he made her happy, how bad could it really be?

“I appreciate your valiant efforts,” Charlie was making fun of him as she turned on his TV, and though he buried his smile, he never really took on the stern expression he tried to model. “How brave of you to spend the day watching Netflix on your couch. Few men could handle such a challenge.”

“Someone’s got to do it,” Ethan bickered back, watching as Charlie opened Netflix and began to scroll through the options.

His Netflix account was used sparingly because he rarely had free time, but when he used the streaming service, he opted for gripping documentaries or serious, well-reviewed dramas. Once, he’d watched a horror film, but he found the movie too ridiculous to finish. As a result, his suggestions were all thoughtful and somber. Charlie frowned as she perused the options, hoping that something worth watching would finally appear.

“That,” Ethan pointed at a title, “is an excellent documentary. I really encourage you to watch it.”

Charlie’s face twisted into that of horror as she side-eyed him. How had she become so close to this man?

“Do you do _anything_ fun?” Charlie was too consumed with disbelief to bury the accusation in her tone.

Indignant, Ethan scoffed, “Of course, I do!”

“Like what?”

“I read–“

“What do you read?”

“… Medical journals and self-improvement books,” Ethan confessed, “But, _occasionally_ , I’ve read some very intricate thrillers.”

Charlie raised an eyebrow, indicating that she wasn’t convinced.

“What else?” she prompted.

“I cook,” Ethan was embarrassed to admit that his mind was drawing a blank. How did he spend his time? “I spend time with Jenner, and I take him on walks. I don’t just work all day, Charlotte.”

He used her full name to intimidate her into ending the interrogation, but it really just made him seem dull and proper.

“What do _you_ do?” Ethan pushed the accusation back on her, and she floundered to respond.

“I have fun!” Charlie was so determined that her voice squeaked at the end, and she coughed, trying to regain composure, “I read-“

“You didn’t seem to think that counted,” Ethan crossed his arms.

“I read _fun_ things, not just medical journals,” Charlie didn’t elaborate on what exactly she read because, if she were honest, she couldn’t remember the last book she’d finished. With her residency and the diagnostics team, she rarely had time to devote to hobbies. Though, she wouldn’t admit that now. “I also hang out with friends and go out and…”

Charlie trailed off, finally out of ideas. She crossed her arms, biting on her lower lip as she tried to think of a way to one-up him.

“ _And?_ ” Ethan encouraged, feeling surprisingly close to victory.

Charlie narrowed her eyes, annoyed he’d already found a way to win.

“Fine, we’re both boring!” Charlie threw her hands up in the air in concession, and Ethan grinned that beautiful, wide triumphant smile. Seeing it eased her loss.

Before he could gloat, Charlie interjected, “ _But_ we are not boring enough to watch any of this.”

Charlie motioned to the TV dramatically, using the remote to navigate the catalog by popularity rather than Ethan’s serious suggestions. Had it been anyone other than Charlie, Ethan would have begrudged someone messing up his suggestions, but because it was her, Ethan just looked for some title that could interest them both.

“What is that?” Ethan stopped her on a popular television show with two young doctors on the cover. Unfamiliar with the show, he hoped it might be a serious, medically-accurate drama they could agree on.

“ _Grey’s Anatomy?_ You haven’t seen it?”

“No, have you?”

“I think _everyone_ has,” Charlie had to admit that she was intrigued by his lack of pop culture knowledge. Initially, she assumed that their age difference was a significant contributor, but now, she was beginning to think that he just elected to remain ignorant.

“What’s it about?”

“It’s like a medical soap opera. It begins with the new class of interns at this hospital and just revolves around all of the drama they get into,” Charlie was tempted to downplay the dramatic, often inaccurate depiction of life in a hospital just so he would consent to watching it. She would have loved to watch him react.

“Drama? Do they commit malpractice or something?” Ethan seemed to be serious, though Charlie still wondered if he was feigning this level of unfamiliarity.

“I mean, at some point, probably,” Charlie shrugged, “But it’s more about them all sleeping together.”

Ethan seemed shocked at the revelation, and he pushed, “In a hospital? The interns are all sleeping together? That would never happen.”

“It’s not just the interns. They’re sleeping with the attendings, the patients, pretty much everyone,” Charlie explained, amused by Ethan’s apparent alarm.

“Well, that’s hardly appropriate.”

Charlie bit her lip to stop herself from reminding him that he was an attending spending his Saturday cuddled next to his resident, and she continued scrolling until they agreed on a popular mystery show. As the show ran, they settled into the couch, becoming more and more comfortable. By the end of the first episode, Charlie’s feet were in Ethan’s lap, and neither of them flinched at the contact.

Roughly 45 minutes after Charlie ordered their breakfast, Ethan’s buzzer rang. Charlie started to get it, but Ethan told her to stay comfortable while he handled it. After forty minutes without feeling nauseous, he felt brave enough to cross his living room and buzz the delivery driver in. Ethan paid for breakfast and, after collecting two plates from his kitchen, set the feast down on his coffee table.

“I expected you to be weird about eating on the couch,” Charlie confessed. Though she’d spent a considerable amount of time in Ethan’s apartment, her presence always changed the rules. They were too consumed with each other to abide by the apartment norms. This was the first time she’d observed him actually living in his home, and though foreign, something was exciting about it.

Charlie felt like she was seeing a private side of Ethan – one that he didn’t often share. She realized, as she accepted the plate, that she might not know Ethan as well as she always thought. But maybe that would change…

And if it did, was that okay?

“Why?” Ethan asked, unboxing their order while Charlie retrieved the Gatorade and orange juice.

She stood to collect glasses for them, shrugging, “I don’t know. You just seem like the person with rules about how to live in their apartment.”

Ethan considered it for a moment, thinking about the six years he’d owned the apartment. Surely, at some points, he had been selective about what was appropriate and what wasn’t. Never in his relationship with Harper had they shared a meal on his couch, nor had she ever worn his clothes. His other guests were never present on such a casual basis as watching a movie and eating anywhere other than his dining room.

Did he have rules, or had he never had someone he _wanted_ to share his space like this?

“I don’t have guests frequently enough to have rules,” Ethan finally decided, opening the last box. Their feast took up the entirety of his coffee table, precariously perched and dangerously close to landing on his rug.

Charlie poured them both a glass of orange juice – and shoved a bottle of Gatorade at Ethan – and then they dug in. Despite his reservations, he didn’t mind loading his plate with dense carbs and greasy sides. After a few bites, he begrudgingly admitted that the unhealthy foods _did_ make him feel better, to which Charlie danced in victory.

They paused the show as they ate, opting to share casual conversation and the occasional comfortable silence.

Neither of them acknowledged the familiarity and comfort of the setting. It felt so natural that, for a moment, they forgot that this was the first time they’d hung out like this. Everything about the moment felt… _right_.

If they thought about it too long, the ease turned into apprehension. This should be wrong. They should be uncomfortable and stern. For months, they’d been on edge, and sleeping together had only made it worse. For the last week, they rarely spoke and actively avoided interaction outside of work. Yet, given the first chance, they were laughing and relaxed.

Even when they found themselves squirming under the weight of impropriety and the danger of falling back into each other, they didn’t stay that way for long.

Both Ethan and Charlie were so determined to stay happy in this moment that they didn’t dwell on anything else for long.

Well… _mostly_.

Ethan couldn’t shake the image of Charlie with her date the night before. Every time she laughed at something she said, he wondered if she’d laughed harder for him, and when she smiled, his thoughts turned treacherous. _When she smiled at her date last night, had she thought of Ethan?_

Charlie’s phone buzzed, and she paused mid-waffle to check it. When she saw the caller ID, she shielded the screen from Ethan and typed back a quick response, trying to remain inconspicuous.

And that’s how Ethan knew it was _him_.

The man they never spoke of but Ethan never stopped thinking about.

A dormant flame of jealousy lit in Ethan’s chest, slowly crowding out all rational thought until all he could see was that man’s hand on Charlie’s knee. Ethan knew not to ask. He knew it wasn’t his place, and he doubted he would have liked her answer anyway. Yet, he felt compelled to do _something_. To ask questions and find out every sordid detail about their night.

There had been at least an hour between seeing Charlie on her date and her coming to rescue him. What had happened? Had they kissed each other goodnight? Did he invite her to spend the night with him? If she hadn’t come to his rescue, would she have said yes? Or was the date terrible? Had she shoved his hand off her knee and left him alone to pay the bill? Had she wandered Boston until Baz’s call gave her something to do?

Had she given up a good date to care for him, or did she just have the time to swing by?

Rationally, Ethan knew that average coworkers didn’t do this for one another, but he couldn’t fight the fear that, after all this time, she didn’t really want him. He worried that she’d been mesmerized by a passionate affair with her hero but, aside from the sexual tension, there was nothing really there. That she was his Charlie but he wasn’t her Ethan.

It was ridiculous and embarrassingly insecure.

She was always there, always fighting for him.

Yet, watching her smile at someone else the way she smiled at him stripped him of every assurance he had.

Despite his insistence that they couldn’t be together, he feared losing her. 

“Is that him?” Ethan couldn’t shake the jealousy from his voice, and ashamed, he avoided eye contact.

“Who?” Charlie feigned innocence, but she wasn’t very convincing.

“Last night’s date.”

Charlie bit on her lower lip, thinking it over carefully before admitting, “Yes.”

Silence.

“What’s his name?” Ethan didn’t know why he asked. Really, he didn’t want to know. He didn’t want to humanize him, to make him more than the monstrous image of a man flirting with Charlie.

“David,” Charlie picked at her plate, suddenly disinterested in her bacon.

 _David_. Ethan suddenly hated the name.

“How did it go?”

Silently, Ethan screamed at himself for asking. Why was he pushing it? Why did he want to torture himself?

Charlie froze, growing rigid as anxiety traveled through her limbs. Sitting next to Ethan, she felt a sting of shame as if she’d betrayed him by meeting David, and though she reasoned that she was in the right, she felt _wrong_.

Why was she flirting with another man when she was in love with Ethan?

“Um,” Charlie stumbled on her words, “ _Well_. It went well.”

Ethan didn’t know what he wanted her to say, but it wasn’t that.

“That’s great,” Ethan tried hard to seem unphased and supportive, but it came off forced and disingenuous, “You’ve been through a lot these last few months and deserve to have a good time.”

 _Oh,_ Charlie felt cold as disappointment settled over her.

She knew he was supposed to support her and offer words of encouragement, but hearing them left a bad taste in her mouth. She wanted him to complain about David, to lecture her about the danger of meeting strangers, or encourage her to avoid dating until her residency was over. She wanted him to stop her from moving on, to hold her with him. She wanted him to fight for her like she always did for him…

“Yeah, we had a really good time,” Charlie was visibly annoyed as she stabbed her waffle with her fork.

Ethan allowed their conversation to fall into a strained silence, watching as Charlie covertly fumed from across the couch. He didn’t know why she was angry with him, though he didn’t doubt that he deserved it. He had a skill for messing things up with her.

They’d nearly finished their breakfast when, with a deep sigh, Ethan added, “I’m sorry about last night.”

Charlie looked up at him cautiously, waiting for him to elaborate. Looking at his sad, pitiful face threatened to dissipate her anger, and to sustain it, she thought of every time he’d disappointed her or pushed her away. And that was enough to maintain her glare.

“I’m sorry you had to leave your date to take care of me,” Ethan may have hated that she was having a good time with someone else, but he _did_ regret ruining it. He didn’t dare tell her _why_ he’d been so reckless at the pub, but deep down, he suspected that she knew that it was his jealousy.

Despite her desperation to stay mad at him, she felt the resentment fall through the cracks as it always did.

What was really terrifying was that, when she stopped running, all she really felt for him was love.

“I didn’t _have_ to,” Charlie chuckled softly, much to Ethan’s surprise, “I could have just called an Uber and asked Baz to take you home. It might have taken a little while to convince him to leave the bar, but it could have been done. I went because…” Charlie stopped herself before she could say something regrettable. He noted the abrupt stop and waited with bated breath before she explained, “I came to get you because I care about you, and I was worried. I wasn’t running from a bad date or forced to see you. I decided to go.”

When she had the courage to meet his eyes again, Charlie realized that Ethan was silently staring at her, and though she tried to decipher the complexity of meaning in his eyes, she failed. Yet she couldn’t shake the feeling that maybe he cared just as much as she did…

Ethan tried to reason her speech away. He studied every word, trying to shove it into a remote category. He knew he was safer if he could distance his emotions from what she was saying. It was best to leave what she said at face value and refrain from enmeshing it with hopeful, romantic ideals.

But he couldn’t stay removed.

He couldn’t hear her and tell himself that she’d rushed to his side out of pity and friendly obligation.

_Charlie picked him._

She _always_ picked him.

They may have stumbled in and out of affairs, but they’d only gotten to that point because of her. She’d always come back, even when he pushed her away. She sent that first drunk text. She dared him to be honest in the spring, and when her world fell apart, she came to his doorstep…

And even now, after he’d rejected her on the phone a week ago, she’d left a perfectly nice man to rescue Ethan. 

Ethan was overwhelmed with the sudden realization that maybe Charlie cared for him just as deeply as he cared for her…

But really, hadn’t he already known that?

“Thank you,” Ethan wished he could have poured all of his gratitude into his voice, if just to spare himself from one of the emotions fighting for dominance in his mind.

Charlie smiled carefully, shrugging, “You’d do the same for me.”

He would. He would have done anything for her.

Anything but be honest about how he felt.

“But this time, _you_ did it, so you deserve the last piece of bacon,” Ethan offered the plate, watching as Charlie seemed to soften in front of his eyes.

“Thank you, but I _always_ deserve the last piece of bacon,” Charlie quipped as she grabbed the last slice.

“And what makes you more deserving than me?” Ethan challenged, feeling emboldened, “After all, this whole feast was to cure _my_ hangover.”

“But _I_ am the one who ordered it. Without me, you would have gagged on an egg white omelet and worked yourself into a migraine,” Charlie gloated as she took a bite of the bacon just to rub it in.

“You keep bragging about these cures, but I am still hungover.”

“Then, we’ll just have to keep trying.”

Ethan didn’t suppress his smile at her challenge, and she found herself smiling back, secretly excited at the prospect of lingering by his side.

After they finished breakfast, they carried the plates to the kitchen, but instead of cleaning up, they returned to the couch. Feeling lethargic and overwhelmed by the emotional weight of their conversation, Ethan stretched out across the sofa. He was too tall to leave enough room on the other side for Charlie to fit, so Charlie stretched out beside him, head opposite from his.

As soon as they pressed _play_ on the next episode, time lost all meaning. Aside from the occasional short conversation or quip at the show’s expense, they recognized the passage of time solely by how many episodes they watched, but once they became engrossed in the overarching mystery, even that became hazy. Hours passed like this, and they slowly gave into the moment, letting their defenses fall back. They didn’t need to explain what they were doing or why they were there. They just let it happen.

They neared the end of the season when Charlie’s eyes grew heavy, and Ethan watched her squirm out of the corner of his eye as she tried to stay awake. When Jenner joined them on the couch and cuddled into Charlie, any hope of evading a nap was lost.

It took Ethan roughly fifteen minutes to realize that she’d fallen asleep next to him, but when he noticed, he paused the show – partly out of courtesy and partly because he didn’t want the killer to be revealed without seeing her reaction. He reached for one of his medical journals from the floor, knowing that he had several minutes where he could get some work done without her knowledge. Yet, he hesitated to actually open the booklet.

Instead, he found himself watching her, feeling content with her calming presence. He allowed his mind to wander back to the spring, when he rejected her offer at a secret affair. He wondered what life would have looked like if he had agreed. Would they have been happier?

Ethan was unconvinced of the validity of his judgment. Had he been doing the right thing, or had he twisted his morality into a shield to protect him from getting hurt?

Charlie didn’t stay asleep very long. Within thirty minutes of him noticing that she was asleep, she began to shift, eyes slowly fluttering open. Charlie yawned, stretching across the couch and startling Jenner. She soothed the dog, scratching behind his ears as she shifted her sleepy gaze to Ethan.

“Are you working?” Charlie accused, rubbing her eyes.

“No. I was just picking it up,” Ethan didn’t expect her to believe him, but just to reassure her, he put the journal back on the floor. He motioned to the TV, “Do you want to keep watching?”

Charlie mulled it over, wondering if she should cut the day short and go home. It was rare to have a day off, and there was a laundry list of tasks she needed to accomplish. But when she imagined actually leaving early, her chest tightened, and instinctively, Charlie nodded her head.

“Yeah, let’s keep going.”

Charlie settled back into the couch, moving a throw pillow to the back of her head as she prepared to finish the episode.

Ethan pressed _play_ , yet he found himself watching Charlie more than the television.

He just couldn’t shake the feeling that everything had changed… And he didn’t know what happened next.


	9. After Hours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While working together late and night, Charlie and Ethan find themselves dangerously close to one another. When their passion gets the best of them, Ethan asks a surprising question...

It was midnight, and Charlie was still at work.

This wasn’t how she’d planned on spending her night – buried deep in medical journals and old textbooks – yet, as she leveled her gaze on Ethan from across the room, she couldn’t will herself to resent her situation.

The after-hours research session started with the entire diagnostic team in attendance. Senator Farrugia proved to be a difficult patient, crowding the team at all hours to involve himself in their diagnosis. At best, it was distracting, and at worst, it was infuriating. If it meant being spared his intrusions, they didn’t mind staying a few hours after their shifts to brainstorm. A few hours soon turned into too many, and one by one, Baz and June admitted defeat and went home.

Charlie and Ethan were the only two left.

At some point, they migrated from the diagnostics team’s office to Ethan’s personal office on a quest to retrieve some helpful book from Ethan’s shelves, but they’d lingered in the space, eventually deciding not to return to the other office at all.

Charlie was comfortable on his couch, and he felt at home at his desk. His office was far less modern than the diagnostic team’s office and, even with the addition of desk lamps, much dimmer, too. But Charlie enjoyed being back here. It reminded her of the innocence of her first year and spared her the feeling of constantly being watched through the glass walls of the diagnostic team’s office.

Ethan rarely invited another person into his personal office, especially after becoming head of the diagnostics team. It was his private sanctuary and an appreciated escape from inquiring residents and talkative coworkers. He didn’t mind Charlie’s presence, however. Rather, he welcomed it.

Even engrossed in a medical journal, he could see her just out of the corner of his eye. She was stretched out on his couch, a pile of books on the ground beside her and her blonde hair splayed out around her like a golden halo. Immersed in her studies, she looked at ease. With everything happening at the hospital and in their lives, it was easy to forget how passionately she loved her job. Suddenly, with a swell of pride, Ethan remembered why she’d caught his attention as an intern.

Ethan was startled when Charlie’s gaze abandoned her text to meet his. He felt a flash of embarrassment that he’d been caught staring at her, but when he realized there was no accusation in her eyes, he allowed himself to continue looking.

“Any luck?” she asked.

“None,” Ethan confessed with a sigh, dropping the journal to his desk as he wiped a hand across his tired face, “You?”

Charlie shook her head, sitting up to face him better as she offered a discouraged shrug, “Not really. I can think of a few tests we can run in the morning that might give us a better idea, but…” Charlie trailed off, fighting off a yawn as she examined the stack of resources at her feet, “I’m becoming less convinced that I did the right thing by poaching him from Mass Kenmore.”

Ethan chuckled softly, leaning back in his chair, and a faint smile came to his lips as he remembered their speedy getaway and celebration at Donahue’s. But then he remembered the sting of disappointment after he kissed her and the knots in his stomach when he rejected her later that night, and he frowned.

“If anything, messing with Tobias was worth it,” Ethan decided aloud after thinking for a moment.

“Well, I’m glad I helped you perpetuate an old rivalry,” Charlie quipped, smiling that soft smile that made Ethan very aware of how alone they were in this room.

“If you ever need me to return the favor, let me know. I’d love to assist in the destruction of Dr. Olsen,” Ethan offered, framing it as a joke, but he was serious.

“Oh?” Charlie raised her eyebrows, looking mischievous and victorious, and judging her expression, Ethan doubted that he would like whatever she planned to say. “So, when you gave him a glowing recommendation to transfer to Mass Kenmore, were you assisting in his destruction?”

Ethan’s eyes narrowed. Who had told her?

He’d been secretive about his recommendation and had encouraged Dr. Olsen to do the same. He’d only recommended Dr. Olsen to ensure that he transferred from Edenbrook quickly and painlessly. After learning of Landry’s scheming immaturity, Ethan didn’t want him within a ten-mile radius of his hospital, especially considering how he’d hurt Charlie.

“You underestimate Mass Kenmore’s gossip. It only took Aurora a few weeks to hear the rumors. Apparently, Landry drank a little too much at happy hour and started bragging,” Charlie added, reading Ethan’s surprise.

Ethan considered denying it, but really, there was no point. She already knew, and he didn’t enjoy lying to her.

“For his _many_ faults, he was instrumental in Naveen’s care,” Ethan admitted, but he couldn’t stop himself from begrudgingly adding, “Not that you needed _him_.”

Charlie’s lips quirked into a grin, not missing the bitterness in his tone. It wasn’t the first time Ethan had complained that Charlie called Landry rather than Ethan on the day she cured Naveen. When Ethan arrived at Naveen’s cabin to deliver the phage therapy, he’d been livid at Landry’s presence and privately made his opinion known to Charlie.

Charlie nor Ethan frequently allowed their minds to wander back to that time. Tangled in those memories of miraculous cures and heated disagreements about Charlie’s involvement were memories of soft kisses and tender beginnings. That was the last night they’d had together during their affair, and they’d ended it miles apart with Ethan imploring her to go home and prepare for her hearing. The next night, Ethan accepted his old job back, and to avoid saying a painful goodbye, Charlie sneaked out of his bedroom at two in the morning. That morning, she was added to the diagnostics team. By the end of the week, Ethan announced a sabbatical to fight an epidemic in the Amazon. He was gone by the next Monday.

The spring felt like a lifetime ago.

It was extraordinary for Charlie to sit with him now, comfortable again. Their past – full of ups and downs, heartbreaking goodbyes, and jarring rejection – was evidence enough that she was flirting with danger. She reasoned that she was capable of protecting herself and keeping her distance from the ledge, but was she right?

As if trying to bring her back to reality – and away from Ethan – Charlie’s phone vibrated with an alert.

It was a text from David.

Charlie always felt strange when she texted David, and that was _why_ she kept responding to him. She wanted to break down whatever barrier made her feel uncomfortable with him. Since she’d abruptly ended their date to rescue Ethan, they hadn’t gone on their promised second date, but it was frequently a topic of conversation. They’d made a few tentative plans, but they’d all been canceled to accommodate Charlie’s work schedule. As of tonight, they planned to get lunch together later this week, but Charlie wasn’t sure if they actually would.

“How is _he?_ ” Ethan asked, such disgust on the word ‘he’ that Charlie knew he was talking about David.

Ethan always knew when she was texting David, but she wasn’t sure how. Maybe something changed in her face or her body language. Maybe he just guessed.

Either way, he didn’t like it when she talked to David. He was _jealous_ , and to his own horror, he knew it.

The closer he came to Charlie, the more he hated David.

Charlie and Ethan were comfortable around each other again. They could talk without growing cold and distant, and they didn’t hate themselves when they laughed at the other’s joke. It was an ideal mentor-mentee relationship, and it was exactly what Ethan wanted when he met Charlie.

But now, it felt unstable, impermanent, and – on bad days – a _lie_.

Ethan wasn’t as satisfied by her friendship as he hoped he would be. When she was far away, it was easy for him to deny what they’d done and what he felt, but her constant closeness deprived him the safety of denial. He was increasingly aware of something more, something _deeper_ he craved. That profound longing was consuming, crowding out reservations so efficiently that he couldn’t actively feel the associated fear. And _that_ was dangerous.

“He’s fine,” Charlie didn’t give any details to spare them both Ethan’s reaction to them, “But _I_ am getting hungry.”

“There’s leftover Thai food in the other office,” Ethan suggested, happily distracted by her change of subject, even if it wasn’t a particularly smooth shift.

Charlie shook her head, “I don’t know… I don’t really want _real food_. I’m craving some unhealthy stress food, you know?”

She asked the question like it was something Ethan could relate to. It wasn’t.

“Not particularly,” Ethan admitted.

“Yeah, well,” Charlie motioned to Ethan as if that was explanation enough for why he couldn’t understand, and Ethan opted to not take offense to it.

Ethan looked back to his desk, crowded with journals, scribbled notes, and books, and he considered going back to work. His frustrated aversion to the idea confirmed that he needed to take a break, and not feeling ready to give up entirely, he tried to think of something to fill his time.

When he realized what he needed to do, he felt a wave of embarrassment.

Of course… All it ever took was her implying “jump” for him to ask, “how high?”

“I need a break, so,” Ethan stood, collecting his jacket from the back of his chair as he explained, “I’m going to run to the vending machine. What do you want?”

Charlie was visibly taken aback and took a moment to make her decision.

“Sour Patch Kids.”

Ethan raised a disapproving eyebrow, which made Charlie narrow her eyes.

“I need the sugar to power me through this diagnosis,” she defended her snack choice, not that she felt like she needed to. Her stress food was her business.

Ethan raised his hands like a white flag of surrender, “Sour Patch Kids it is.”

“ _Thank you_.”

With her arms crossed defiantly and face twisted into annoyance, she looked remarkably adorable for someone trying to look intimidating.

“There’s an interesting paper on my desk,” Ethan nodded to the journal in the middle of his desk, the one he’d been pouring over for the last forty-five minutes. As he slid into his white coat, he suggested, “You should take a look over it. Maybe you’ll see something I don’t.”

Charlie shrugged, stretching as she stood from the couch. She was beginning to feel her exhaustion but didn’t acknowledge it as she agreed, “Sure. I’ll take a look.”

Ethan nodded his goodbye, leaving her to her research. Charlie crossed the room and took Ethan’s seat as she tackled the thick document. She read the abstract carefully but skimmed the rest of the contents, waiting for something to jump out at her as familiar or relevant. It was hardly her best work, but she was desperate enough to take anything.

She was so focused on her work that she didn’t immediately notice Ethan when he returned. He made it all the way to the desk before she acknowledged his presence, and when she looked up to greet him, he was holding two bags of candy for her.

“I wasn’t sure if you wanted watermelon or regular,” Ethan offered the candy, unsure if he’d managed to ruin the kind gesture. He had no idea there were variations of Sour Patch Kids and had spent several minutes staring at the vending machine options, trying to figure out what to do. He’d almost texted her, but to save himself some embarrassment, he just bought both. 

“You’re the best!” Charlie eagerly accepted the candy, tearing off the corner of the regular bag and popping the gummy in her mouth. As she did, Ethan unwrapped his purchase, and she resisted the urge to roll her eyes when she realized he’d bought an organic granola bar.

“Did you find anything?” Ethan asked, taking a bite of his snack.

“I don’t know… maybe,” Charlie scrunched her face up in thought, and he smiled softly at the familiar expression. She always did it when she thought she was close to a clue and was painstakingly putting the pieces together. It usually precipitated brilliance.

“What did you find?” Ethan asked curiously, coming behind her to look over her shoulder at the text.

“Well…” Charlie wasn’t sure that she’d found anything, let alone something useful, but she flipped a few pages back to show him anyway. She pointed to a figure, “There’s a spike here and a natural progression in symptoms. We’re not seeing that with Farrugia. Whatever it is just _increasing_.”

“Some diseases do that,” Ethan murmured, now leaning very close to see the figure. So close that she felt the warmth of his whisper.

Charlie felt like everything _stopped_. All coherent, intelligent thought was replaced with an awareness that he was so very _close_.

“Yeah, I know,” Charlie felt like she was running through wet sand just to keep talking and not obsess with how Ethan’s hand was on the desk now, stabilizing his posture so that he could continue to loom over her. “But,” Charlie swallowed, “we’ve looked through his bloodwork from Mass Kenmore. It’s getting worse. I think there may be a contaminant involved.”

“Do you have one in mind?” Ethan’s voice was low and quiet, like it was meant just for her. It _was_ meant just for her.

If Charlie knew the answer, she didn’t know it now.

“No…” Charlie’s chest seemed to deflate with disappointment, “I don’t even know what kind of panel to run to check for one.”

That should have been it. She’d shown him what she was supposed to show, and they had talked about it. Now, it was time for Ethan to stand up and move away.

But he didn’t.

He wasn’t sure why he didn’t.

Maybe he liked the way she smelled like coconut and coffee, or how she radiated warmth, or the intimacy of whispering in an open space.

Maybe he just liked being close.

“We can ask Baz what he thinks in the morning. He’s more familiar with the subject,” Ethan was running out of things to say, but he couldn’t leave. Something compelled him to stay, to whisper in her ear, “Did you find anything else?”

The effect on Charlie would have been evident if he’d been looking for it. She gasped lightly, her arm erupting in goosebumps, and she was trying so very hard to focus and answer his question. But something about the heady, intoxicating proximity left him just as distracted by her that he noted nothing. He was just waiting for her to keep talking so he could keep standing with her.

“Um…” Charlie swallowed, trying to think of _anything_. Her heart was racing, and her grasp on the world felt weak.

How long had they been standing there? Was something happening outside? Could there have even been another person in the room?

She didn’t know.

There seemed to be nothing but this.

“I saw a few symptoms that felt a little familiar,” Charlie staring ahead because she wasn’t sure if she could face him.

She was in danger.

This was treacherous.

But she didn’t leave.

“You did?” Ethan inquired, his arm brushing against hers as he leaned forward to scan the text himself. He didn’t absorb a word he read. He just smelled the coconut in her shampoo.

“Yes… Particularly memory loss. I noticed he’s very reliant on his assistant to remember details. Though I don’t know if that implies a memory issue or just overdependence,” Charlie explained. She wouldn’t have mentioned the symptom at all if she hadn’t wanted to stay in this state. She had no real evidence, and even if she did, she wasn’t sure what it meant.

“Tomorrow, we should ask him if he’s experienced any memory issue. That’s a good insight, Charlie.”

“Thanks,” Charlie wanted to look at him so badly, so knowing the risk, she finally did. He was always more handsome up close – less austere and more human. Looking at him from such a close distance was an intimate act, one that she hadn’t treasured when she had it. Intimacy was something she’d often shared with Ethan, but that didn’t make it safe.

Charlie didn’t look away fast enough. She was too selfish, wanting to memorize every little detail.

Ethan turned to face her as well, prepared to say something casual but meaningless in response to her gratitude. But he found her staring.

Both watching each other, they were so close that their noses nearly touched.

_Run. Run. Run._

The word echoed in Charlie’s brain, urging her to retreat. She wasn’t just flirting with danger now. She was teetering on the edge of a cliff.

“It’s getting late,” Charlie blurted out. What she said didn’t really matter. She just wanted to say _something_ so that she could distract herself from the scent of his cologne.

“It is,” Ethan agreed absently.

He was staring at her lips, wishing he didn’t know how sweet they tasted. Knowing what it was like to be with Charlie made it all the more daring, and it was even harder to pull away.

Not that he ever really thought about it.

Charlie could think of nothing to reply with. She felt her reserves slowly fall away. The only thing that could save her was to run.

But he was so close… so handsome… so Ethan.

And she’d wanted it so long.

Charlie’s fingertips brushed along his stubble, and Ethan elicited a small gasp at her touch. It was so quiet that no one would have heard it, but this close, she _felt_ it. The rush of air when he released his breath coated her skin, and it was just another distraction.

Another sensation to crowd out rationality.

Another reason to lean closer.

Ethan saw her lean, and it ignited something buried deep inside of him.

In that moment, he knew he was going to kiss Charlie Greene, and it was the best thought he’d had in a very long time.

When he closed the small distance between them, Charlie’s only thought was ‘ _Finally_ ’ before everything else was lost to the fireworks that flashed before her eyes.

There was a profound, blissful moment of clarity where Charlie suddenly understood that this had been inevitable. This kiss – as surprising as it felt – had been coming on from the moment she picked him over David. It had been written in stone the second she made the decision to stay with him, and their bumbling attempts at friendship had been merely a stepping stone.

There was something relieving and horrifying in the realization, but it was drowned out by the overwhelming sensation of _touching_ Ethan, of _tasting_ Ethan.

It was only meant to be a kiss.

An accidental, late-night kiss that Ethan and Charlie would later explain away and try to forget in the coming days. Ethan just wanted to kiss her one more time, to tangle his hands in her hair and remind himself of how different this was from anything else he’d experienced.

He meant to pull away.

But there was this rising heat, starting in his chest and spreading through his limbs until his fingers were seared with desire. Once it reached his head, it was all over. All he wanted was her. Ethan’s hand was on her jaw, holding her head up to alleviate their height difference, and the other was in her hair, holding her there as if silently begging her to stay with him once more.

All she had to do was move away from him. She would have been awkward and uncomfortable – maybe even a little regretful – but she would be safe.

It was now her choice. 

And as she always did – and she feared she always would -, she picked him.

Charlie’s fingertips brushed along his stumble once more, tracing his jaw until her arms were around his neck. She knotted her fingers in his hair, her nails tracing the same soothing pattern on his scalp as the night she’d rescued him from the bar.

For a moment, the heat dissipated in Ethan’s chest, and he felt something much stronger envelop his heart. Three words. Eight letters. He tried not to think them.

Charlie’s tongue prodded his, and he was distracted once more. The fire was ignited, and there was no putting it out.

As Charlie stood to kiss him, neither broke their embrace. They were afraid that, if they stopped fueling the fire, they would regain rationality and run away from each other. In the back of his mind, Ethan thought that he might regret what he was doing, but there was no way he was going to stop.

The moment Charlie was out of his desk chair, Ethan kicked it away, hands on her hips as he pulled her body tight against his. He needed to feel her, to know that this was really happening. Their clothes formed a thin barrier between them, and Charlie’s skin burned to be free from her stiff scrubs. She didn’t care if she had to tear off their clothes if it meant feeling him against her.

Charlie shoved Ethan’s white coat off his shoulders and to the ground, wasting no time in finding his shirt buttons and eagerly attacking each. In her excitement, she fumbled with the buttons, eliciting a frustrated groan, and she begrudgingly tore her lips from his to look at what she was doing. Ethan’s lips fell to her neck, biting and sucking gently enough that he wouldn’t leave marks, but the sensation was so delicious that Charlie momentarily forgot her task. Ethan seemed intent on distracting her as she tried to undress him. His hands slipped up her shirt, his palms resting on her hips before roaming the plains of her abdomen. Charlie let out an audible sigh of relief when she finally unbuttoned his shirt, but her victorious grin had little time to linger on her lips before Ethan’s mouth covered hers.

His kiss was hungry and rough, and his touch was greedy. Charlie felt an overwhelming sense of being wanted, of someone longing to devour her, and if possible, her shirt felt even more uncomfortable on her body.

Ethan’s hands moved up her body, bringing her shirt higher. He deftly unclasped her bra, not even casting the nude lace a spare glance as it fell to the floor. His hands cupped her breasts, and feeling the sharp rise and fall of her breathing, he pinched her nipple with a slick smile against her lips. She gasped lightly and found herself smiling wildly against his lips, breaking the kiss for a moment. They stood there, on the verge of consuming each other, smiling against one another like this was everything they’d wanted all along.

And maybe it was.

Ethan broke them apart to pull her shirt over her head, throwing it to the pile of clothing forming on his office floor, and after a moment to take her in, he met her longing gaze to whisper, “Are you sure?”

Charlie paused, knowing this was her chance to leave before they went too far. She flattered herself that she gave the proposition sufficient consideration, but really, she never even dreamed of saying no.

Charlie nodded quickly as she affirmed, “Yes. Please, _yes._ ”

Ethan grinned that bright, wide smile that made Charlie lose all coherent thought, and then his hands were on her jaw, holding her still as he leaned in to kiss her. He mumbled something against her lips, but she couldn’t make it out. Only he knew that he whispered “my Charlie,” as he desperately kissed her.

He took a step towards the desk, pinning her between him and the furniture. His hands abandoned her body to shove the contents of his desk to the floor. As they landed with a thud, he didn’t care where they went or how they survived the impact if it meant freeing the space for her.

Ethan took another step, forcing her to lean back on the desk. He placed his hands on her waist, squeezing her once before pushing her to sit on the desk. Charlie obliged breathlessly, and she whined as he stepped back from her. He admired his view, his blue eyes dark with lust, and Charlie couldn’t stop herself from reaching out to him, pulling him forcefully back to her.

“Impatient?” Ethan whispered, pressing his lips to the corner of her mouth.

Charlie glared at him, eyes heavy with desire as she mumbled, “Don’t be so cocky.”

“If you saw the way you’re looking at me, you’d be cocky, too,” Ethan’s whisper was nearly lost to her skin as he kissed her lips gently, then just her lower lip, then her jaw. Then her neck…

Charlie found herself holding her breath as his mouth roamed her body. He stopped every now and then, taking his time with a certain spot when he noticed she especially liked it. He enjoyed listening to her body and learning the hidden messages in her breathing and moans. He would have gladly studied her all night.

Ethan bit lightly on her collarbone and grinned when he heard the soft, laughing moan.

“Did you always tease me this much?” she murmured, her hands in his hair and her nails scratching at his scalp.

“Oh, are you complaining?” Ethan dared.

Charlie shook her head happily, “Absolutely not.”

Ethan kissed lower until he reached her breasts. Taking one in his hand, he kissed the other, tracing slow licks around her nipple until he finally wrapped his lips around it. He repeated himself with the other breast, and Charlie squirmed on the desk, pushing her hips into him. He placed one hand on her thigh as he kissed down her abdomen. He nimbly untied the waistband of her scrubs, pulling them off her and throwing him to the ground. He spread her legs wider, crouching to kiss her inner thigh. Charlie’s eyes closed, and she pulled on his hair in a silent plea. He hadn’t taken off her underwear, and she was highly aware of the barrier remaining between them.

He hooked his thumbs in her panties, slowly pulling them off. When Charlie’s eyes fluttered open, she noted his sly smile. He enjoyed teasing her.

Charlie shimmied to get them off faster, making Ethan chuckle. He placed a hand on her calf, kissing her leg to still her, and to reward her compliance, he used one hand to circle her clit as he stripped her completely. She tugged on his hair at the sensation, and Ethan leaned closer to her, his tongue licking her folds before taking his thumbs place to circle and suck her clit.

Charlie’s hips rose to him, her whimpers a cry for more.

Ethan groaned against her, tearing himself away. As he began to unbuckle his belt, Charlie eagerly assisted. As she took off his pants, he reached for the tie he’d taken off early in the night, holding up for her to see.

Charlie’s eyebrows raised in a silent question.

“Are you opposed?” Ethan asked, stepping out of his pants.

Charlie blushed at the thought of being tied up as Ethan fucked her on his desk. It wasn’t the first time she’d had the idea…

“Not at all,” Charlie confirmed and held out her wrists, and as Ethan tied his tie around her wrists, he tested the knot to ensure it was secured but easily broken if needed.

Once he was confident in the tie, Ethan took off his underwear and spread Charlie’s thighs to stand between her legs.

Ethan kissed her shoulders, her breasts, her chest, and her throat as he gently pushed her back to the desk. She gasped at the cold touch of the desk against her bare back, and he soothed the goosebumps erupting on her skin with his warm touch. Ethan pulled her hands over her head, securing them there. Once she couldn’t touch him with her hands, Ethan pressed light kisses all over her skin, and just when she thought she couldn’t wait another moment longer, Ethan entered her.

Charlie gasped, pressing herself tightly against him as she adjusted to the fullness.

Ethan peppered her skin with light, adoring kisses, moving slowly. Charlie squirmed, desperate for more.

“Ethan,” she whined, “ _Please_ , faster.”

Ethan looked down at Charlie, desperate and begging for him, and he stilled with the realization that it might have been the best view he’d ever had. Fire and passion burned inside of him, overriding every desire to prolong his time with her by teasing her. He needed her, and he needed her _now_.

Ethan’s grip on Charlie’s hip was rough and aggressive as he began to fuck her. And really, there was no doubt in Charlie’s mind that that was what he was doing. They weren’t making love or sharing a liaison. Ethan Ramsey was _fucking_ her, and she wanted to scream his name.

Charlie struggled against her restraint, eager to touch him. She watched through hooded eyes as his thrusts grew faster and deeper, and she had to bite her tongue to quiet her moans. He watched her chest rise and fall as she tried to stabilize herself and not completely unwind beneath him. With a smirk, he pressed his thumb to her clit just to make sure she couldn’t keep herself together. He wanted to watch her fall apart because of him.

“ _Ethan_ ,” Charlie had to grit his name through her teeth to not scream it in the quiet hospital, but it was praise nonetheless.

She was tightening around him, and her skin flushed. He knew the sight well, and he knew she was close.

“ _Charlie_ ,” Ethan growled, leaning down to kiss her deeply. Her tongue wrestled for dominance as he untied her wrists. The second she was free, her hands were on him, scratching at his back, and burying her fingers in his hair.

Ethan pulled her to sit up, pressing her tightly against him as he drove himself deeper and deeper into her.

Charlie's nails dug into his skin, losing her grip on reality. Stars flashed before her eyes, and her muscles ached with anticipation. She was so… was so… so… _close_.

Ethan’s lips found hers right as she fell over the edge, tumbling deeper into earth-shattering ecstasy. Her moan was lost in his kiss, and he tightened his grip on her as he followed.

For a moment, they were both bathed in bliss. Everything was warm and golden and bright, and they clung to each other as the waves crashed over them. Their breath settled until they breathed in sync, so heartwarmingly close. Charlie’s head fell to Ethan’s shoulder, her chest pressed against his, and his heartbeat lulled her to relaxation.

But the euphoria subsided…

And they were two people wrapped around each other that finally had to let go.

They stayed still long after the orgasms subsided. Neither wanted to end it just yet.

Finally, Ethan pressed a kiss to her forehead, his expression forlorn as if he already knew it was a goodbye kiss, and he stepped back from her. Charlie hesitated on the desk, closing her legs and watching as Ethan collected their clothes from the floor. She silently accepted her scrubs and underwear, and she averted her eyes as she slipped off the desk.

Now that the office was silent, Charlie was overwhelmed with her thoughts and had nowhere to hide.

_What had she done?_

Panic lingered in her chest as she walked away from Ethan to dress. All she could express was her shock. How had this happened? How had a conversation about Sour Patch Kids ended with her legs spread on his desk?

She couldn’t process any of it – let alone the way she felt when he held her. She fought off the traitorous warmth in her heart because it was too hard to understand. What she felt for Ethan was messy and complicated by months of hurt, betrayal, and miscommunication.

But their agreement _wasn’t_ complicated. They promised that they would end their relationship in the spring. Then, they promised that they would share one night and then go back to normal, but _nothing_ had gone back to normal. He kissed her only a few hours later, and she threw away a good date with a nice, uncomplicated man just to stay close to Ethan. Now, less than a week later, she was naked in his office.

What the fuck was wrong with them? Why couldn’t they stay away from each other?

While Charlie was wrestling with frustration and confusion, Ethan finished dressing. He neglected his white coat and tie, and he didn’t bother collecting his books and journals from the floor. Instead, he watched her, feeling something dangerously close to affection spread through his chest.

For the last few days, he’d had the same, dangerous thought, but it was only now that he understood it.

Tonight was just proof of a larger trend.

They weren’t done, no matter what they told themselves.

And maybe it was time to just admit it.

Ethan waited another minute to speak, taking in the secure familiarity of the moment. They’d been here so many times, yet they always promised it would never happen again. It was frustrating and sad, but at least he knew it…. He didn’t know what came next, not after what he was about to do.

“This is the second night we’ve had sex after breaking things off,” Ethan wasn’t sure what to say, but he was pretty sure he’d managed to say the wrong thing as Charlie looked up at him from tying her scrubs.

He felt uncharacteristically nervous, and he held his breath as he waited for her response.

“We’re not very good at staying apart,” Charlie grumbled, the exasperation evident on her face. But she didn’t look quite remorseful, and that gave him hope.

So, he took a leap and prayed she wouldn’t let him fall.

“Maybe we should just give in.”

Charlie’s eyes darted to him, aware of the weight of his words but not fully comprehending his meaning. Because he couldn’t mean what she thought he meant. She was naïve and hopeful. Ethan Ramsey, the man who rejected her proposal at a secret affair only a few months prior, would never suggest something so irresponsible or unprofessional – even if he was currently redressing after having sex with a coworker in his office.

Taking her silence as permission to continue, Ethan shoved his hands in his pockets and ventured, “Maybe we don’t have to fight this all the time. All it ever does is make us feel guilty.”

Charlie’s body grew rigid as he spoke, as if her body knew something her mind refused to accept.

She could feel her heartbeat in her chest becoming too strong for her body. Her breathing was too sharp, too distracting. Everything was magnified as she resisted understanding. There was nothing to hind behind as he leveled his gaze at her, eyes full of purpose and meaning, and despite her urge to run, something kept her there – something that wanted to know.

“Ethan, what are you suggesting?” her voice was hardly a whisper.

Charlie didn’t need Ethan’s reminder. She knew all too well what it meant to fall into him for a moment of bliss only to drown in guilt moments later. If anything, she ventured that she knew it better than he did. She was the one who stood tall at his initial rejection only to settle into the crushing defeat of repeating the same mistakes.

She failed at staying away from him, and she failed at moving on. She was beginning to think that they were doomed to live in this painful cycle until one of them cracked.

What this Ethan cracking?

Was she walking into a heartbreak disguised as a new opportunity?

Ethan paused, recognizing the magnitude of what he intended to say. Had he ever been this afraid of rejection? He doubted it.

“I want to stop pretending that this isn’t happening, Charlie,” Ethan tried to sound even and calm, but she saw through him, just like she always did, “The ethical and professional dilemmas are not lost on me, but I want you more than I want to be right. We can’t be open about it with the people around us, but I want a relationship with you, Charlie.”

He expected to feel unencumbered and free after making his proposal, but as he watched realization dawn on Charlie’s face, his heart sank, and his careful, hopeful smile faltered.

 _She’s not going to say yes_ , he realized before she’d even said a word.

Not that he should be surprised, he reasoned. He couldn’t expect to have rejected her this many times without some lingering resentment. She deserved to not trust him, especially when he’d once promised to stay and left her a few days later. In his quest to protect them both, he’d left a path of destruction and regret.

Maybe this was a mistake—just a foolish endeavor by an infatuated man.

As he waited for her response, he allowed himself to wander down the memories of their relationship. Like meeting her and immediately criticizing her only to brag about her initiative to his colleagues. Or carefully maintaining his distance, only to include her in the most important cases of his career. Or finally giving in and having an affair as they sunk to their lowest points, just to leave her to resume his old life.

Nothing had been right after he left her, and he realized that, if he’d stayed then, he wouldn’t have to beg her now.

He made a mistake and realized it too late.

Charlie didn’t know how to feel, let alone respond.

There were so many thoughts, so many emotions. She was happy and terrified and sad and concerned. She felt anger and suspicion and relief and lo-

Charlie instinctively ran from the four-letter word, but she forced herself to complete the thought.

 _Love_ , she finished. She felt love.

And that was the scariest part of it all. She adored Ethan, even when he was an asshole and even when he rejected her. She was willing to forgive him for every transgression just to keep him close. She was dangerously devoted, and with disappointment, she watched herself run back to him every time. Before him, she was strong and independent, and she worried she’d lost that along the way.

 _Just say yes,_ part of Charlie begged.

 _Remember what happened last time you let yourself care about him,_ another warned.

She’d been down this road with him once before, and it took months to put herself back together again. If she accepted him now, did she invalidate all of the growth and pain she’d endured? Was she disappointing her future self?

Was she putting herself in danger?

He had more power than she was comfortable with. All it took was a broken promise to shatter her. Ethan had a history of pulling her close only to push her away, and she’d survived it by maintaining her distance. If she eliminated her shield, what stopped him from wounding her?

Did she trust him to protect her?

Even though she loved him with every part of her body and soul, she _didn’t_ trust him.

She couldn’t say no, but she also couldn’t say yes.

“I…I don’t know,” Charlie confessed.

Ethan flinched at her indecision. He may have dreaded a rejection, but it was preferential to the inherent risk of indecision and the traitorous hope that accompanied it.

He fought off the self-hatred threatening to consume his thoughts, reminding him of every mistake and misstep that led him to this point. He felt a pang of guilt as he studied Charlie’s painfully conflicted face – so beautiful and so unsure. He never meant to hurt her… But he was beginning to think that was all he had ever done.

“I understand,” Ethan admitted, lowering his eyes to the journals on the floor. It all seemed so crazy now – throwing everything on the floor and losing himself in her. He always treated their relationship as a zero-sum game. Either they had each other, or they didn’t. Maybe that’s why he ruined their chance to find common ground.

“Ethan…” Charlie wanted to step towards him, take his hand, and smooth the stressed wrinkles in his forehead, but all she could do was say his name. Anything more demanded too much from her.

“You don’t have to decide now,” Ethan shared, his smile soft but eyes hard like he only expected a refusal. “Take 24 hours. If decide you want this this, you know where I am. And if you _don’t_ … Well, I won’t bring it up again.”

Charlie absorbed the ultimatum with stomach-churning anxiety. If she couldn’t pick now – mere minutes after having sex with him – when could she ever make this decision?

“I’ll respect whatever you decide, Charlie,” Ethan added, feeling like he needed to assure her, “You’re a very special person to me either way. I want you to be happy, and if this… if this isn’t right for you, that’s okay.”

Part of him hoped that she would decide right then, even if it meant admitting that she couldn’t have a relationship with him. At least he would know.

“I…” Charlie began, only to lose whatever words she had. She wanted to say that she loved him and that she just didn’t know what to say, but she couldn’t manage it. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, she finished, “Thank you, Ethan.”

Ethan didn’t hide his disappointment well, and he merely nodded along.

“You should get home soon. It’s late,” Ethan glanced at the clock on the wall but couldn’t focus well enough to read the time. He couldn’t only think of her and how much of his happiness she now held in her hands.

How had he become this man? How had Charlie changed him so?

“You’re right,” Charlie murmured, slipping into her shoes and collecting her belongings from around the office. She was slow about it, hesitant to leave him, but eventually, she had everything she needed and could only stare at him for a few more minutes before she would have to say goodbye.

Ethan similarly gathered his things, desperately in need of the distraction. When they were both devoid of any excuse to stay, Ethan offered a gentle smile that failed to hide his inner turmoil.

“Goodnight, Charlie,” Ethan pressed a small kiss to her forehead, breathing in her scent like it might be the last time.

“Goodnight, Ethan…”

Ethan watched her leave his office in silence, knowing he’d either made the decision of his life or a terrible mistake.


	10. Not the End

Charlie waited for an epiphany, a sign, or a clue.

She looked in every passing face for an answer, but she avoided her own reflection. She spent the night agonizing over Ethan’s proposition, begging herself to fall asleep to see if her dreams would provide a hint. When the sun rose, she retreated to the safety and security of her morning routine. If she could just make her coffee, maybe she would understand herself.

His thumbprints marked her body and mind, and his constant presence in her mind morphed him into a fantastical beast – elusive and distant. She manipulated the image in her mind, painting him as a hero and a villain, but just before she could be convinced of either, the mirage slipped away to her barebone memories of tender smiles as he pulled her close and apologetic eyes as he distanced himself.

It was alarmingly easy to question her own memories.

All this time, had she been right to be so fearful of a relationship with Ethan Ramsey? Was it their doomed fate that pushed her to her lowest point, or had a series of unfortunate missteps blinded her?

A month ago, Charlie knew all the answers.

She knew that she was naïve and reckless to have pursued him in the first place. She regarded her past self with resentment and pity for allowing Ethan to burrow himself in her heart with promises he could never keep. She saw the ensuing chaos and months of painful mistakes as a learning experience. Charlie Greene was smart enough to never trust Ethan Ramsey again.

But was she really?

Sleep-deprived and mindlessly moving through her commute, Charlie didn’t feel smart. She felt angry and confused. Why had she broken her rules? Why had she thrown caution to the wind and exposed herself to danger?

Ethan had the power to hurt her deeply, and now, he handed her the same capability.

There was no safety without hurting him, and the significance of the decision weighed on her. She had every right to be angry at him for backing her into a corner, but something about it felt inevitable. Their current relationship was volatile and unsustainable. A decision had to be made.

She just wished she didn’t have to make it.

As Edenbrook came into view, Charlie mumbled under her breath that she regretted ever meeting Ethan Ramsey, but that was a lie.

The closer she got to Edenbrook, the further her stomach twisted. She dreaded seeing Ethan without having an answer to give him, but she could hardly avoid him all day. Her pace slowed as she attempted to prolong her distance from him, and with her gaze leveled at the door, she felt like she was walking a plank.

Little did she know that she wouldn’t make it to the door.

“ _Charlie!_ ” Bryce’s eager greeting jolted Charlie out of her head, and she nearly winced at the foreign enthusiasm. Who could be that happy on a morning like this?

Charlie pushed her sunglasses off the bridge of her nose, balancing them on the top of her head as she scanned her surroundings for her friend’s familiar form. It was hard to miss someone like Bryce. He was too tall, too tan, and too devastatingly handsome to blend into a crowd. Soon, she found him by the basketball court near the door and, in an attempt to deter conversation, offered a polite wave.

Bryce waved her over, leaning against the goal post. As Charlie approached, he flashed a bright white smile and flipped his sweaty hair to the side, and interns audibly swooned behind her.

Charlie rolled her eyes, somewhat relieved by the distraction as she polished off her to-go coffee and leveled a cocked eyebrow at her friend.

“You did that on purpose.”

Bryce shrugged shamelessly, flexing his biceps he surveyed the scene behind her. Charlie looked with him and found a conspicuous group of interns and residents clustered near the door. Some were holding coffees and carrying on small talk, if just to warrant their lingering, but some boldly stared. Judging Bryce’s casual confidence and lack of surprise, Charlie wondered if this was a frequent occurrence.

“I did,” Bryce admitted brazenly, smiling even wider, “It’s my responsibility as the most handsome resident. I have a duty to those interns.”

“A duty?” Charlie repeated, amused.

“You wouldn’t understand,” Bryce mused as he shouldered his gym bag, shamelessly flexing his sweaty arms once more for the crowd, “I have to maintain the image. You, on the other hand, look like shit.”

Charlie huffed, mumbling a sarcastic “ _Thanks_.”

He was right, of course. She hadn’t slept, and her indecisiveness took up too much of her headspace for her to think of much else this morning. She dressed in the first scrubs she saw, and as soon as her curls gave her any resistance, she forced them into a ponytail and moved on with her day. Her face was tired and puffy, and without the cover of her sunglasses, her under eyes were dark.

“No offense, of course.”

“ _Of course_ ,” Charlie echoed in disbelief.

Bryce flashed a wicked smile and leaned in conspiratorially to ask, “To look that bad, you must have had a _very good night_. What were you up to, Charlie?”

_What was she up to?_

Just as quickly as it retreated, Charlie’s anxiety resurfaced. Only now, it was bubbling and hot and constricting. She regretted the extra-large cup of coffee as her stomach clenched, and the longer she went without answering, the more she squirmed.

What was she supposed to say? The truth was too complicated to share, especially when she’d kept Ethan a secret for so long. It was one thing to admit that she spent the night fucking her boss in his office, but it was another to admit that she’d been with _Ethan_. And she couldn’t confess her anxiety without sharing his proposition or the weeks of interactions preceding it. 

Charlie scrambled for a lie, and in the rush, she picked the lamest excuse she could.

“Just didn’t sleep,” Charlie forced a yawn just to prove it, and she internally winced. How would faking a yawn make her seem genuine?

Bryce didn’t look convinced, and Charlie recognized that she was in danger of being discovered.

“Right…” Bryce made a show of rolling his eyes, leaning in further as if silently assuring her that whatever she said would stay between them. Not that it would, of course. If Charlie were to reveal all of her secrets with Ethan, she doubted that Bryce could contain himself.

At best, he’d be so enthralled with the drama that he would feel compelled to tell someone, if just to check if they already knew and hadn’t told him. At worst, he would oppose her self-destructive behavior and would urge their mutual friends to stop her.

But Charlie was so overwhelmed and confused that, if he had pushed, she might have told him.

In the end, she didn’t have to face the questioning at all, and she felt a pang of regret at missing her opportunity to unburden herself.

“Lahela!”

_No._

Charlie’s face dropped, and she was relieved that Bryce was too distracted by the greeting to notice.

Everything was _too much_. Her heartbeat was too fast, too loud. Time passed too quickly, and it was all too soon.

She watched in horror as Bryce waved his arm in a friendly greeting, summoning the familiar voice.

 _Don’t come,_ she willed him silently, _I’m not ready._

But of course, that didn’t work.

Even though she recognized the voice, she felt a sting of shock when she saw Ethan Ramsey approach her. Just as she feared it might, the mere sight of him summoned more emotion than she knew how to process. Everything was fleeting yet so deep that she couldn’t form a coherent thought.

She missed him. She adored him. She felt a swell in her heart at the sight of him. But she also dreaded his presence. She feared his hold on her. She tortured herself with her own indecision and her failure to give him an answer. She hated herself for not understanding or trusting herself enough to know what to do.

Ethan, conversely, felt only one thing – crushing disappointment.

His gaze had only just found her when she darted her eyes away, actively avoiding him as he neared her. He could see the exhaustion and worry etched on her face, and his heart sank.

 _She’s not going to say yes_ , he realized.

He knew this was a possibility. Last night, he reassured her that she could reject him without earning his hatred. But none of that shielded him from the despair of a refusal.

Ethan struggled to regain his composure as he was socially obligated to approach Bryce after calling out his name. He hardly remembered why he wanted to talk to him in the first place, and now, he certainly didn’t want to. The only person he wanted to talk to was Charlie, and even then, he wasn’t sure if he could.

What could he say to her?

He wanted to comfort her in her obvious distress, but he hesitated to push her. There was something comforting in knowing she still had time to change her mind. It made his rejection feel less final, less devastating.

“You forgot your water bottle,” Ethan blurted out as soon as he reached the young doctors, shoving the bottle in Bryce’s direction. He felt the urge to run and struggled to resist it.

He didn’t know how to act normal. He wasn’t sure he remembered what normal was.

His memories were now skewed to Charlie. Surely, before her, he had done this before. He had offered himself and faced rejection. Charlie was a woman, not a life-altering event. So, why did everything but her feel distant? Why did he not recognize the man in the mirror?

Bryce stared at Ethan, obviously confused and perhaps even uncomfortable with Ethan’s changed demeanor. Ethan was trying so hard to be himself that he came off as a caricature of a gruff attending instead.

“Thanks,” Bryce thanked him tentatively, observing carefully as he took the bottle.

Ethan nodded in his direction instead of replying, and he cast a quick, fleeting look in Charlie’s direction as he greeted her, “Dr. Greene.”

Charlie opened her mouth to greet him as well, though she wasn’t sure how to. Could she still call him Ethan, or was she supposed to take the hint when he failed to call her by her first name?

But Charlie didn’t have to decide.

Just as quick as he approached, Ethan left.

Charlie and Bryce watched as Ethan walked into the hospital, his stride purposeful if not downright irritated. The crowd of interns by the door dispersed quickly under the heat of his stare, muttering that he was sure to be a pain in the ass during rotations if he was already in a bad mood.

They were probably right.

Charlie might have felt bad for the interns on the receiving end of his demanding mentorship, but she knew they got to leave it behind after their rounds. She, on the other hand, had the pleasure of working with him for the rest of the day. Charlie tensed at the thought. If they couldn’t manage small talk outside of the hospital, how would they make it through the day?

“That was weird, right?” Bryce asked, still staring at the door like he was trying to work out the scene he just witnessed.

“What was weird?” Charlie asked innocently, staring ahead to avoid being studied by Bryce. She wouldn’t withstand the scrutiny.

“Dr. Ramsey,” Bryce looked at her incredulously, like she was crazy to have missed it, “He was acting strangely, wasn’t he?”

Charlie shrugged with one shoulder, trying to seem casual as she deflected, “I mean, it’s Dr. Ramsey. What’s normal?”

“I guess…” Bryce murmured absently, consumed with the new mystery.

“I’m going to head in. You coming?” Charlie was quick to leave. If she gave it too much time, Bryce might just work it out, and she didn’t really want to answer the questions that would follow.

Bryce tilted his head thoughtfully, eyes narrowed like he was trying to see through a mist, but finally, he let out a deep breath and flashed Charlie a playful smile as he asked, “Are you just trying to get me in the shower?”

Bryce seemed to forget about Ethan and his strange behavior entirely by the time they reached the locker room, and Charlie let out a relieved sigh once he was safely distracted. She left him to shower and rushed to the diagnostics unit before Ethan could make it there. She collected her assignments from June, who was often the first in the office, and began her morning rounds.

Once she was working, Charlie felt the anxiety in her chest slowly dissipate. Distracted with work, she had no room to think of Ethan or his proposition or the complexity of her decision. She picked up extra jobs throughout the day, even stepping in to help a few interns during her moments of peace and inactivity.

Ethan similarly busied himself, but unlike Charlie and her friendly requests to help around the hospital, Ethan was a terror.

Every intern and resident who had the misfortune of crossing his path soon learned to regret it. Working directly with Charlie had distracted him and maybe even softened his disposition, so his young students had not faced his full intensity in some time. Some interns had never even seen it at all.

The first sign of his sour mood came during their morning rounds. Interns who bumbled or made mistakes were quickly and sharply corrected, and by the end of the morning, at least half of the group hated him. One intern almost had the nerve to call him out on his rudeness but lost their nerve under his intimidating stare.

Those who encountered him the rest of the day found him to be even more severe. He watched all of them with a sharp eye, sharper than he had been in quite a while. A few residents didn’t even realize he was present until they received his criticism.

The entire time, Charlie and Ethan did not cross paths.

They were surpassingly good at avoiding each other.

Of course, they couldn’t evade one another forever, and in the late evening, they ran out of places to hide.

The sun had nearly set by the time Ethan and Charlie faced each other again. Despite hours apart, it just took one look to take them back to the basketball court this morning – awkward, hurt, and strained. After that look, they didn’t really like looking at each other.

It was too distracting. They had come together for a group meeting to go over Senator Farrugia’s confounding test results, and they needed to be their best if they were to solve a medical mystery. Thinking about each other consumed too much brainpower and left them preoccupied and emotional.

They distanced themselves for their own wellbeing. Ethan sat at the desk while Charlie sat at the round table in the furthest chair from him. She kept her eyes on the test results and the whiteboard, actively avoiding his blue gaze. He felt her aversion, and it stung. They both contributed to the discussion, though they never directly conversed.

Late into the meeting, Ethan stepped back, allowing his colleagues to follow a train of thought on their own. He found himself watching Charlie, occasionally looking to the others to hide his sole interest in her. She seemed oblivious, but that didn’t mean she didn’t feel it. Despite his better judgment, he imagined her saying yes, and that proved to be the most painful part of it all.

He could picture it. He could see her smiling her bright smile and kissing him as she agreed to a relationship. He could hear their banter in his car as he drove her back to his apartment, and he could smell the dinner they would make. He could envision taking her to bed and waking up next to her.

It came so easily to him that it felt real.

And with a deep twist in his heart, he had to remind himself that it wasn’t.

He wondered if this was their future – avoiding each other as Ethan tortured himself with ideas of their happiness. If she rejected him, could he look at her in the morning? Could she look at him? Could they work together again?

Or was this horrible day the beginning of a new normal?

“ _I can’t do this anymore,_ ” Baz groaned, head in his hand, and Ethan could deeply empathize.

During Ethan’s inattention, they had amassed at least a dozen new theories and crossed them all out. All three looked frustrated and discouraged, especially Charlie. This case only compounded the overwhelming flow of emotions she’d felt all day, and she cursed ever fighting to bring Farrugia to Edenbrook.

If she hadn’t poached Senator Farrugia, Ethan wouldn’t have kissed her outside of the bar. She wouldn’t have called him later for him to reject her out of principle. She wouldn’t have gone on a date with David, and Ethan wouldn’t have gotten so drunk that he needed saving. They wouldn’t have gotten comfortable again, and they wouldn’t have had sex last night. None of this would be happening if she had just left the patient alone.

Charlie excused herself from the table, leaving a pile of papers at her seat, as she crossed the room for a glass of water just to have a new distraction.

“This is particularly tricky,” June nodded to Baz as if it were an equal complaint, which only made Baz groan louder as he closed the cover of his tablet and massaged his temples.

“If tricky means ‘absolute hell,’ I agree,” Baz grumbled, and Charlie smiled softly into her glass as she watched them.

She could see Ethan watching them, too. She wondered what he was thinking. Was he just as amused, or was he irritated as well? Or was he thinking about her?

The last thought made her body tense, and she averted her eyes.

Charlie wished that she knew what to do, but after spending all day running from him, she was no closer to her decision. She was running out of time, and she swore she could hear the ticking clock in the back of her mind.

“On that note, we should conclude this meeting. We’ll pick up in the morning,” Ethan announced, visibly relieved to put the case away for the night.

Baz let out a weak _“wooo!”_ as he let his head fall to the table, still working through his frustration. June shook her head at his display and collected her materials, wishing her colleagues goodnight as she left to check on a few patients before going home. Baz began to pull himself together, albeit slowly.

For a moment, Charlie felt frozen in place as it dawned on her that she would soon be alone with Ethan. As much as she wanted to stop thinking about Senator Farrugia, she wasn’t ready to leave the security of the group meeting. She wasn’t ready to run away, and she wasn’t ready to face him either. She felt as though she just remembered the passage of time, and the reality of her deadline hit her. Every step she took was a step closer to the ending, but she didn’t know what it looked like.

Charlie didn’t trust the fluctuating advice in her head that ranged from “ _say yes, you idiot!”_ to “ _run away and never see him again!”_

All she really knew was that she didn’t want to hurt Ethan, but she also didn’t want to hurt herself.

Belatedly, Charlie realized that Ethan was watching her, and she cautiously glanced in his direction only to directly meet his gaze.

_Yes._

Charlie was amazed by the thought. It came easily and so readily, and for a moment, she thought everything was solved. But then doubt crept in.

Dropping her eyes, Charlie mumbled an excuse about needing to check on her intern and hurried out of the office before she could be left alone with Ethan.

Once again, Ethan was disappointed.

He was amazed that he still felt it. For any other paramour, the indecision and rejection would have numbed him quickly to reduce the likelihood of future pain. Harper once joked that it was her first clue that he didn’t love her.

But Ethan _did_ love Charlie. Maybe that’s what made him so ready to wait for her, maintaining his optimism with every blow. Maybe he was willing to play the fool for her.

Alone in the diagnostics office, Ethan evaded his own reflection. He didn’t want to see who he’d become in hopes that she would accept his offer, yet he knew he would sink much lower if he lost her.

Forty-five minutes passed, and Charlie didn’t leave his mind for a single second.

At his best, he thought about how he was thinking about her, and at his worst, he thought about everything about her.

While he sat in his thoughts, Charlie found herself running. He was everywhere, yet just when she could touch a feeling or an instinct, her mind instinctively distanced itself. Forcing herself to stay there and face it was a herculean task. Even as she tried, she couldn’t maintain it.

Why didn’t she know? When it’s right, you’re supposed to _know_.

Charlie paced the halls, finding odd tasks as she went to fill the time, but there wasn’t enough to distract her now. Each time she paced, she found herself a little closer to the office. She felt tied to him and was following an invisible rope.

“I’ll just say no,” she thought aloud, her voice a low mumble kept only to her. As she pivoted in her pace, she frowned and countered, “wait, I should say yes. Or…”

Charlie opened her mouth to speak, but her thoughts were too jumbled to produce a sentence. It was as if, in the chaos of everything flying at her, there was nothing left. She’d thought of it all and felt no closer to a resolution.

In her frustrated daze, Charlie didn’t realize that she was still walking. Instead of turning at the corner, she kept going, inching closer and closer to disaster. Maybe, subconsciously, she was ready to face him and that’s why she kept walking, or maybe she was so ripped apart by fear and adoration that there wasn’t room for another thought.

She kept walking until she felt a pair of familiar eyes watching her.

Charlie held her breath as she scanned the hallway. She knew she would see him, but that knowledge didn’t prepare her for the sight. She gasped lightly, her chest tight as she tried to remember how to breathe again.

 _Ethan._ Her Ethan.

He watched her carefully, reading the precarious confusion in her face. He braced himself for another rejection, yet… he wasn’t quite sure he would get one. There was something in the way she looked at him – in the way she was still standing there – that made him think she might actually say yes, and that was a dangerous thought. In response, hope and optimism filled his chest, brushing over every wound with golden forgiveness.

Tentatively, Ethan nodded in her direction, still separated by at least twelve feet.

“Charlie,” he greeted her hesitantly, studying her intently for any sign of her answer.

Charlie felt blank. Like all she could do was stare back. When she realized he’d expected her to say something back, she breathlessly whispered, “Ethan.”

This was it.

This was the time.

And Charlie didn’t know.

She wasn’t oscillating between extremes anymore. She was very firmly planted in a field of nothingness. Every thought and idea and argument was out of reach, and she could only see panic-inducing emptiness.

Ethan watched her face twist as she came to this realization, but he couldn’t interpret it. He waited for her to speak, but his foolish optimism couldn’t stay bottled up. He wanted her to say yes so badly that he was willing to push for it.

Against his better judgment, he asked, “Have you decided?”

Charlie’s chest heaved as if all of the air had been taken from her lungs, and she stared at him as she tried to find it again. She stood still, yet she felt like she was running for a clue. She was trying to remember why she’d fought herself on both sides, hoping for an illuminating insight that would change everything. She waited for it to become simple, yet it never did.

And in the recesses of her mind, as she weeded through her feelings while staring down the barrel of _nothing_ , there was a thought.

A small, quiet one. Yet she heard it over the noise.

 _Maybe the absence of a choice is a choice_.

Here, at her last opportunity, if she didn’t know what she wanted to say, that had to mean something. Her frustrating indecision and urge to distract herself said something, but she hadn’t listened.

Maybe she’d made her choice the moment she ran out on him last night. Maybe this whole exercise was just an attempt to hold onto him longer. Maybe she already knew she would lose him.

“I-I…” Charlie stammered, still running. She was always running. She didn’t want it to be true as she finally declared, “I can’t.”

And then she was running. She was _actually_ running. With each step, she was leaving it behind. She was retreating, and she was praying that she made the right decision.

Ethan stood in a state of shock, all of the hopeful warmth replaced with the bone-chilling absence of it. He failed to comprehend the devastation he felt, running just as she did back into his head. He lied to himself that there was still hope. He reminded himself of the time left before the deadline, and as he left the hospital in defeat, he told himself that this was not the end.

Because, if it was…

Ethan didn’t know if he could face it.

And as Charlie tried desperately to retreat, there was a thought she couldn’t escape.

_She made the wrong choice._


	11. Crying in the Rain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Charlie rejected Ethan’s offer at a secret relationship, she wrestles with the aftermath of her decision. But with one last-minute decision, she has another chance…

Charlie cried the whole way home.

On the train, fellow passengers stopped and silently stared, wondering what had distressed her so, but none approached to ask or comfort her. Instead, some whispered their theories, and others paid her no notice at all.

Charlie waited for the life-changing moment of clarity where a voice would relieve her anguish by gently whispering, _“you did the right thing.”_ But that moment never came.

If she closed her eyes for too long, she could see Ethan at the end of the hall, horrified and devastated by her decision – or lack thereof. Seeing the pain and destruction she’d caused, Charlie wanted to run away, but she no longer had the luxury. Regret and sorrow had a knack for sticking to her side, catching up with every attempt she made to outrun it. She couldn’t evade her own mind, and thus, she was trapped in the moment, living each painful second over and over until she felt raw and exhausted.

At her stop, Charlie collected her bag and disembarked the train, walking through the station mindlessly. Every step was heavy and distant, and she moved on instinct through her commute.

It was raining when Charlie made it outside, yet she made no move to protect herself from the rain. Compared to her agonizing sobs, the storm was a relief. She allowed it to soak her, chilling her to the bone with the summer night breeze. The sensation was mildly uncomfortable, but part of her thought that she deserved to squirm. She hoped that the rain would cleanse her guilt, but it managed to magnify it, limiting her mind to the sole expression and study of her remorse.

She remembered everything – every smile, every touch, every kiss, and every decision. She recalled nights where she tortured herself for always picking Ethan, but the one time she didn’t pick him, she couldn’t stomach the distaste.

Every happy memory was a sucker punch, and every fight and separation was a reminder of their doomed fate.

Charlie was terrified of what she was feeling. She feared her tears and pain, and if she considered it too long, panic settled in. She felt dangerously close to an edge, the other side of which was daunting. There were a million ways to interpret everything she felt, but she was too tired to do any of them.

All she knew for sure was that she couldn’t wake up feeling the same way.

She couldn’t live like this forever, caught in a memory and swallowed by regret.

Yet… something about it felt final, like she’d unknowingly signed away her right to happiness in an effort to protect her heart.

 _The absence of a choice is a choice_.

Well, maybe the absence of happiness is pain and misery.

Without realizing it, Charlie reached the end of the commute, and she found herself staring at her apartment building, hesitating at the front door. The idea of home brought no comfort to her, especially when it was full of well-meaning friends who could never know the nature of her regret and sadness.

She wanted to do nothing. She didn’t want to talk or go through the motions of her nightly routine. She wanted to just… sit and grieve. She didn’t want to waste her energy on anything other than surviving the moment and accepting her decision.

She knew that, as soon as she was inside her apartment, she would have to disguise herself and act as though everything was normal. The concept of normal seemed so far out of reach that she couldn’t comprehend immolating it. For a moment, she considered getting back on that train, riding it in circles until she found some semblance of peace.

But uncomfortable and tired in the rain, she longed for shelter, and she scrambled for her keys, eager to be dry and warm. In the elevator, she prepared herself to face her friends. She built a wall around her heartbreak, knowing that she wasn’t ready to share. With or without the secret, she didn’t want to discuss it yet, no matter how much she loved her friends.

At her front door, she paused, twisting her face into something that felt more normal, and she pushed her despair to the back of her mind.

“You can do this,” she whispered softly to herself, feigning the strength she thought she needed.

With a twist of the wrist, the door gave way, and immediately, happiness and energy radiated out of their apartment.

Everyone was home, and she could smell something delicious in the kitchen. Music hummed in the background, and from the living room, she heard faint whispers of a TV show. It was blissfully domestic, and it had the makings of a lovely night. Yet, tonight, the warmth and friendship made her feel cold and small in comparison.

“Charlie, you’re home!” Sienna called out from the kitchen once she heard the front door close, “Come help us make garlic bread.” Sienna beckoned her friend to the kitchen, every surface of which was covered in ingredients from their weekly family meal.

Charlie stepped further into their apartment to crane her head to see the adorable scene in the kitchen. Noodles boiled in the background, carefully monitored by Jackie. At the same time, Aurora diced vegetables for a salad, and both periodically checked the simmering sauce as Sienna prepared the bread. Elijah had his laptop on the counter, scrolling through Netflix to pick the perfect after-dinner entertainment.

The sight squeezed Charlie’s broken heart until the shards felt dangerously close to piercing the skin.

“You look like hell,” Jackie commented, looking up from the noodles just long enough to judge her friend. It was the second time someone had told Charlie that today, and they were both right.

“I got caught in the rain,” Charlie explained, already walking to her room, “I’m just going to change real quick.”

“Hurry back! I’m trying to decide between _Avengers_ and _The X-Men_ ,” Elijah urged Charlie.

“Or we could watch _literally anything else_ ,” Jackie grumbled.

“Do you have a problem with two of the greatest series of all time?”

“As a matter of fact, I do.”

Charlie closed the door on their bickering, letting out a sigh of relief once she was alone. Just for a moment, she let her mask slide off, and she stood their silently, allowing the weight of her emotions to settle on her. Just shy of her absence being noticeable, Charlie forced herself to change into clean, dry clothes and return to her roommates.

She managed to act normal if reserved, and while a few off-hand remarks earned the suspicion of her friends, she was surprisingly good at hiding. She helped Sienna make the garlic bread and set the table for dinner, at which she talked and joked just enough to seem alright. At times, she couldn’t focus on the scene in front of her, instead drawn back to the hallway and her rejection, but when everyone else laughed, she did, too.

While Elijah set up a sitcom for them to watch – a compromise between him and Jackie –, Charlie helped clean the table and load the dishes. She was safe and distracted just enough when she was working, so she took most of the tasks. Once the kitchen was clean, she settled into the couch and watched TV with her friends.

She remembered nothing about the show or the episode. She only thought about Ethan, but she kept her eyes on the screen to hide her grief.

After three episodes, she gave up and called it a night.

This time, when she was alone in her room, she didn’t let the mask fall away. She maintained it, too afraid to face the weight of it again. She kept herself busy by cleaning her bedroom, starting a load of laundry, and finishing other chores. Even in the shower, she focused on washing her hair, scrubbing her skin, and going through the motions just to block out the daunting thoughts.

It was eleven p.m. when she finally ran out of places to hide.

She had done everything she could and had no distraction left, and she was left at the mercy of her own mind. Lights off and safely tucked under piles of blankets, it was time for Charlie to sleep, but she couldn’t. It took everything she had not to drown in the raging tides of her emotions, and the weight of it all crushed her, holding her to the bed and forcing her to face what she’d done.

She stared at the ceiling, minutes blurring together until time no longer felt real.

The tears were silent at first. She only realized she was crying when she felt the water on her cheeks, but once the gates were open, she couldn’t stop herself. She sobbed wet, loud, horrible sobs. She muffled her wails in a pillow, but she couldn’t bury the excruciating pain. Her throat burned, and her face turned red as the tears ran dry.

Ethan was everywhere – in her tears, in her cries, in her screams, in her room, in her mind, in her heart.

She finally stopped running, and it was torment.

She hated herself and her decision and the situation and their past and their future. She hated everything with the same breath she loved him, and _that_ was the horrifying realization.

This didn’t feel like a cleansing goodbye or the worthwhile withdrawals from a toxic addiction. It felt like deprivation for no cause and with no end in sight. Leaving him left her no closer to letting him go, and despite her own actions, she was holding onto him so tight. Saying “I love Ethan” felt like a powerful, immovable truth. 

And she just wanted him here.

She wanted him beside her, holding her and making her feel like she could survive this.

She missed him with every part of her soul, so much so that her skin felt cold without his touch, no matter how many blankets she used.

Every time her life fell apart, Charlie ran to Ethan Ramsey. She couldn’t now, but it was all she wanted to do.

Loving Ethan was inescapable.

She’d fallen in love with him a million little times over hundreds of days, and despite her best attempts, she was always just a little more in love with him. He was an unreal figure in her world, so shrouded in her own folklore of him that every peak of him being a real, vulnerable human being only endeared him more to her.

The starry-eyed, ambitious student reading his textbooks couldn’t have imagined that, with every small choice she made in his favor, she would tie herself irrevocably to her hero.

She’d passed the point of no return.

There was no safe distance now, no ending without pain and suffering.

Loving Ethan came with pain. As much as she tried to erase or evade it, she couldn’t force it out of existence, even if it terrified her. Merely by existing alongside her, Ethan had enormous power to hurt her, more than she’d ever given anyone.

She wouldn’t forget about this in the morning. She wouldn’t heal after crying to sad music or spending time alone. She wouldn’t be cured by loving another man or separating herself from Ethan.

She was too far gone.

She could live in pain now and pray that, with time and dedication, it would ease. She might feel it less over time, and one day, it might only be a tiny part of her, flaring up only occasionally.

But there was nothing to be gained by it, not really.

She can’t escape the pain, but she doesn’t have to stay in it.

There was a possibility of wild, blissfully beautiful happiness, and all had she had to do was say yes. Even if agony and heartbreak were inevitable, she didn’t have to face it yet – not without the reward of being with him now.

Ethan was worth it. He was worth being hurt later if it meant being happy with him now.

Charlie had stopped crying, and as she stared at the ceiling, she finally knew her answer.

 _Yes_.

Yes. _YES!_

The word was freeing and beautiful, and she chuckled at their sudden ease.

Charlie scrambled out of bed, running around her bedroom with an overwhelming understanding of what she needed to do. She started to change, but when she saw the clock, she knew she didn’t have time. It was already 11:30 pm, and she had less than an hour until Ethan’s deadline to decide.

She grabbed her keys and phone and rushed out of her apartment, still dressed in her pajamas. She took the stairs two at a time, running out the front door without a second thought. It was raining when she got outside, and she fumbled for a rideshare app. The closest car was twenty minutes away, and she couldn’t wait that long.

Once you know you love someone and you need to tell them, everything was too long of a wait.

So, shoving her phone in her pocket, she started to run to Ethan.

She ran through the rain, her sandals stirring up puddles as she ran through the empty sidewalk. Tears streamed down her face as she worried that she was too late, that he wouldn’t forgive her for her rejection this afternoon. She ran harder, caught between the feeling of having ruined everything and the relief of finally knowing what she wanted.

Charlie found a cab on a side street and climbed inside, soaking wet, and gave the driver Ethan’s address. She counted the seconds, checking her phone as she hoped she would make it before the deadline. 

A few miles away, Ethan sat in his apartment, watching the clock on his mantle just to see it run out of time. For hours, he’d done this, checking it every few minutes just in case. He knew that, until the full twenty-four hours had passed, he wouldn’t give up hope. He couldn’t bury the treacherous inkling of optimism that quietly whispered that she would come back to him. 

Her rejection in the hospital should have been enough to prove that she didn’t want him, but against his better judgment, he assured himself that this wasn’t the end for the two of them.

He went home thinking she would show up on his doorstep at any time. He made dinner, wishing she was beside him and thinking she just might make it in time to help him finish cooking. He took a shower with the idea she might arrive when he got out. He poured himself a drink and wondered if she would have a glass, too.

With every passing hour, it became less likely that she would magically change her mind and pick him, but he couldn’t eliminate his hope.

He loved Charlie so much that he was willing to be a fool.

With Jenner in his lap and a scotch in his hand, Ethan stared at the clock. There wasn’t much time now. Less than a minute.

But… She just might make it…

45 seconds.

30 seconds.

15 seconds.

5 seconds.

And…

Time’s up.

When the time finally ran out, Ethan felt like all the air had been knocked out of his lungs, and every hopeful, optimistic part of his soul went out with it. The absence of it was heavy and startling, and Ethan sank into the couch, trying to catch his breath as he realized that he had been wrong. He had gone against his fears and insecurities, and he gave Charlie his heart just for her to shatter it.

He deserved it. He knew he did.

And maybe that’s what made it hurt all the more.

Bathed in desolation, Ethan stood, finishing off his glass. He walked towards the bottle of scotch, taking the whole decanter as he sauntered off to bed. He intended to drink himself until he no longer felt anything or until he fell asleep, whichever came first.

Just before he was out of earshot, Ethan heard the buzzer to his apartment intercom go off.

_Buzz. Buzz. BUZZ._

Charlie was downstairs, desperately pressing the button for his apartment. It was the first time she’d been locked out, and when she needed it most, no one was willing to let in the crying girl in her pajamas. She was desperate to get Ethan’s attention and get inside, pressing the button until it left an imprint in her thumb.

Ethan tentatively approached the intercom. He didn’t want to get his hopes up, but he already felt the warm swell of optimism in his chest. He wanted it to be her so badly that he didn’t want to answer, just in case of disappointment.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, he pressed the button and asked, “Who is it?”

Charlie gasped, tears springing to her eyes at the sound of her voice, and she frantically pressed the button to explain everything.

“It’s Charlie. I know I’m late. I know I missed it, and I know I ran away earlier. But I need to come up. Please, let me in,” Charlie’s voice cracked, so overcome with emotion that she couldn’t manage anything but a hopeless plea, “Please. _Please_.”

There was a silence, and Charlie fought her ragged breath as she counted the seconds again. There were too many. He was taking so long. Her thumb hovered over the button, willing to press it a million more times. She thought about getting out her phone and calling him. She thought of every way she could possibly talk to him and explain herself. She couldn’t let this be the end.

He had to hear her. He couldn’t let her make this mistake.

She knew that, if he just listened, they could finally stop making mistakes. They could be together.

He just needed to let her up.

And finally, just when Charly thought she might cry, he buzzed her up.

Ignoring Ethan’s neighbors, Charlie ran through the lobby, catching the first elevator and pressing the button for his floor as many times as she could until the doors finally opened. She knew the path to his front door, and leaving her fear behind, she knocked on his front door.

She wanted Ethan more than she feared losing him.

Ethan opened the door on the first knock, having lingered there in disbelief that she actually came.

When he opened it, he was overcome with relief at the sight of Charlie, so much so that he nearly cried, but he didn’t run to her. He didn’t pull her into his arms and kiss her until he forgot all of their mistakes and bad decisions like he thought he would. Instead, he stared from a distance. Because he understood that she had rejected him today. She hadn’t planned on coming, and she hadn’t really said that she changed her mind.

“You’re wet,” he said, not really sure why. He wanted to hold her, but he was afraid.

“It’s raining,” she explained absently, staring at him. She felt the cold distance between them, and she understood why. And she felt… almost overwhelmed to see him again. Like she was relieved that he still existed, so perfect and handsome. She felt thankful that, in all of her cursing him and purposeful rejection, she hadn’t willed him out of reality.

Facing his hesitation, she knew she had to say something, even if she risked rejection.

She didn’t care if she seemed pathetic or needy or ridiculous – things she would have cared about with anyone else.

She wanted him so badly that it ached, and that was enough.

“You terrify me,” Charlie blurted out, and Ethan took a startled step back.

_Shit, maybe that wasn’t the best place to start…_

“You are a risk. I’m terrified of getting hurt. When we ended last time, I was devastated. I cried for days and spent weeks trying to feel okay again, and that was after just one weekend,” Charlie’s words tumbled out of her mouth, rushed and eager. She felt like she needed to tell him everything, like unburdening herself and her insecurities was the only way forward, “I went on a date with someone and spent the rest of my night taking care of you just because I would rather be with a sick, drunk you than anyone else. I keep telling myself to stay away from you, but I always end up at your front door.”

Charlie had so many things to say that she had to pause just to pick which one would come out of her mouth. She was caught between smiling and crying and laughing awkwardly, but she knew she didn’t want to run.

“When I actually almost lost you, I was so devastated that I wasn’t afraid anymore,” Charlie confessed, “I understand if you changed your mind,” she added with a crack in her voice because, really, she _didn’t_ understand.

How could someone be this close to greatness and change their mind?

“I know I hurt you, and I’m sorry. And if I ruined everything, I’m so sorry, Ethan,” Charlie had to look up to blink back the tears, but they slipped down her cheek anyway. She laughed softly, wiping them away as Ethan stared at her, “But please don’t change your mind. Because my answer is yes.”

 _Yes_.

The word rang in his ears, so loud that he struggled to digest everything else she said.

She said yes.

 _She’s just as afraid as I am, and she still wants this,_ he thought.

He was afraid. He was terrified. He worried that he was being reckless and exposing them both to misery and heartbreak because he was too selfish to stay away. He had a list of mistakes he could make, and he felt capable of ruining everything.

But he wanted her to say yes.

He wanted Charlie.

He loved Charlie.

There were a million things to say and so many conversations they needed to have, but he couldn’t vocalize any of them. He dropped the empty glass of scotch to the entry rug, letting it roll to the side as he closed the distance and pulled Charlie into his arms.

Soaking wet and shaking from adrenaline and fear, Charlie still fit perfectly into his arms. And she was really there. She was really his.

Ethan kissed the top of her head, squeezing her tighter as he whispered, “My Charlie.”

Charlie buried her face in his chest, her tears flowing freely. She wasn’t quite sure why she was crying. Was it just the adrenaline of being so close to losing him? Was it her earth-shattering happiness? Or her lingering fear? Or was it everything?

“I’m afraid, too,” Ethan admitted, scared to lessen his grip in case she might somehow disappear.

“That’s okay,” Charlie whispered, looking up at him with those big green eyes, and her fingertips ran the familiar trail along his jaw to his cheek, stumbling along stubble.

She felt convinced that he’d never looked more perfect.

“And you’re not going to run away again?” Ethan was kidding – kind of. There was an edge of seriousness that Charlie didn’t miss. 

She’d run away before. She ran away at the end of their affair in the spring. She ran away today.

“I won’t,” Charlie felt confident in the promise, though really, how can anyone be confident in such a promise? She couldn’t erase the possibility. She couldn’t negate her instincts or assure either of them that she would never be tempted.

But she could promise that right now, she never wanted to.

“And you won’t suddenly break things off in the name of my career or being an ethical boss?” Charlie challenged. It was a slight dig, just as his had been, but it was a legitimate fear. She knew he couldn’t promise everything and that she had to live with the unpredictable nature of the future. She wanted to hear the promise, nonetheless.

“I won’t,” Ethan affirmed, pushing a wet lock of hair behind her ear.

Charlie pulled Ethan down to her, kissing him like she’d wanted to all night.

And it was enough.

It was enough to say yes.

It was enough to take the risk.


	12. Terms of Agreement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After agreeing to start a romantic relationship, Charlie and Ethan work out the rules while still enjoying time together.

Charlie and Ethan should have been asleep, but the night was too perfect to end.

They never thought they would have a night like this – beginning with grand romantic gestures in the rain and ending with intimate smiles in his bedroom. It was a far cry from the emotional, tumultuous on-and-off-again relationship they’d had for the last year. They’d never felt comfortable and safe enough to spend their time like this, tangled in Ethan’s bed and watching each other with the kind of ease that only came from feeling secure. They were always waiting for next up or the next down, never trusting that they would still be together in the morning.

But tonight was different.

In the morning, Charlie would still have Ethan, and he would have her. And barring some catastrophic fight or miscommunication or event, they will be together.

It was exhilarating and terrifying, and the sensation settled into a warm glow. No longer encumbered by fear or anxiety, they were free to just be happy in each other’s company.

The feeling was so beautiful that they couldn’t fathom ending it just to sleep.

Charlie was stretched out on his bed, on her stomach and leaning on her elbows to look up at Ethan as he peered down at her. He was sitting up against the headboard, outrageously tall from this angle, and he didn’t make much of an effort to keep his hands to himself. He kept playing with her hair or tracing the freckles on her forearm, completely enamored with her proximity. He doubted he could ever tire of it.

“We should probably go to sleep,” Charlie whispered. After their shared shower, she had been meaning to say something about the late hour, but she hadn’t worked up the courage. She wanted just a little bit longer with him, and even as she suggested they go to sleep, she secretly hoped he would reject the idea.

“Mmm,” Ethan hummed, twirling her wet curl around his index finger, “I’m not particularly tired.”

She smiled softly, leaning into his hand as he played with her hair, “I think the interns already hate you enough. We shouldn’t show them sleep-deprived, grumpy Ethan this early in the year.”

Ethan chuckled. He always let her get away with quips like that. He enjoyed it when she teased him, though he would have eviscerated anyone else if they dared to speak to him like that.

“Are you suggesting that I go easy on the interns?” Ethan challenged, “Where’s the fun in that?”

“Well, if you had gone easier on _this_ intern, you might have gotten lucky a lot sooner,” Charlie crooned, a mischievous glint in her eyes that made his smile just a little bit wider.

“I’ll remind you that I was a very ethical man and did not have sex with you until we were no longer coworkers,” Ethan’s tone was haughty and playful, but beneath the exaggeration, it was a good first step for him. For the last year, he’d been plagued by ideals of perfect morality and propriety, to the point that he’d robbed them both of happiness. He still felt a pang of guilt when he remembered that he was doing something ‘wrong,’ but he didn’t feel the need to run away because of it.

He wanted Charlie, and he didn’t want to stay away from her.

It was a cruel twist of fate that he was her superior.

But it was a cruel twist of fate that felt distant in his bedroom.

“As a very ethical man, how do you feel staying up with me? You don’t think you’ll regret it in the morning?” Charlie asked, a glimmer of insecurity lurking in her smile. She trusted him. She wouldn’t have run across Boston in the rain if she didn’t, but even when he promised he would stay, she harbored an inkling of fear.

“I will not regret it,” Ethan confirmed, leaning down to kiss her forehead, “Besides, I’ll set a later alarm and let us sleep in.”

Charlie’s eyebrows quirked up in curiosity, “Oh? And what does _sleeping in_ mean for you?”

“I mean, we still have work tomorrow, so I guess…” Ethan shrugged, working out the numbers in his head, “7 am seems like a good time.”

“7 am is _sleeping in_ for you?” Charlie repeated incredulously. Barring some early obligation or errand, she usually woke up at 7 am for work, but she was always willing to sleep in later. On weekends, she enjoyed skipping an alarm and catching up on missed rest.

“On a workday, yes,” Ethan confirmed, looking a little startled by her interest.

“What time do you normally wake up?” Charlie pushed.

“5:30.”

Charlie gawked in a mix of horror and shock.

“ _5:30_?”

“What time do you wake up?” Ethan asked defensively, unsure how to respond to her appalled reaction.

“7,” Charlie couldn’t believe the difference in their morning routine. She’d stayed overnight several times, and every time, they got up later than 5:30… She couldn’t imagine getting used to that. “What do you even do with all that time in the morning?”

“Well, make breakfast, take Jenner for a walk, go for a run or go to the gym, and take a shower. I like having time to start my day right,” Ethan explained, feeling quite proud and content with his routine. It afforded him peace and quiet before a long day at the hospital, and due to his varying work schedule, it allowed him to prioritize his health without being inconvenienced later in the day. It had taken several years for him to form his routine, but now that he had it, he was determined to maintain it.

Of course, for Charlie, he could let it slide for one morning…

“What do you do in the morning?” Ethan asked, expecting her answer to mirror his even if the wake-up time was later.

“My first alarm is at 6:45, but I don’t get up until 7. As soon as I wake up, I start my coffee, and I finish it while getting dressed. I’m usually groggy or grumpy or both, so my productivity varies. Sometimes, I have time to eat breakfast and make myself presentable. Sometimes, I run out of the door with a bagel in my mouth and hope for the best.”

Ethan’s eyes widened, though he attempted to suppress any visible reaction.

He couldn’t believe that their routines were so incompatible, He had a sneaking suspicion that, if her overnight visits became more frequent, only one routine would survive, and he doubted his would make the cut.

“Do you like me less because I wake up later?” Charlie teased, noting the look of alarm.

“No,” Ethan answered quickly – maybe a little _too_ quickly—but he just wanted to make sure she recognized how much he wanted her here. He was willing to deal with a thousand routine changes for her. Even if he wasn’t ready to say it, he loved her.

“I might like _you_ a little less now that I know you wake up at 5:30,” Charlie teased, feigning thoughtfulness as she leaned further into his hand so that he was now holding her cheek.

Ethan narrowed his gaze, silently urging her to take it back as his thumb stroked her cheekbone.

“I’m kidding,” Charlie finally clarified, “But I _do_ understand how someone who looks like you is still single.”

“I thought it was because I was an asshole,” Ethan asked, somewhat serious.

Charlie failed to bite back her wide grin, and she shrugged, “Probably a mix of the two.”

Ethan was always amazed by how happy he became when he saw her smile. Even when he already felt blindingly happy, a simple quirk of her lips could change his entire outlook. He was struck by a sudden desire to spend the rest of his life making her smile.

“Hopefully,” Charlie began, tilting her head to kiss his wrist, “we’ll have lots of late nights that will force you to sleep in…”

Ethan’s eyebrow raised, his interest piqued, “Oh?”

“ _Oh_ ,” Charlie confirmed with a mischievous grin, slowly sitting up in bed.

“I wish that was every night,” Ethan admitted, appreciating the sight of her in his t-shirt. Because her clothes were soaked from running in the rain, he’d thoughtfully thrown them in the dryer. After their shared shower, he chivalrously offered his favorite t-shirt for her to sleep in. But really, even if her clothes had been perfectly dry, he would have insisted that she wear his clothes.

Something about her in his t-shirt made this feel real. It strengthened the claim that he felt like he had on Charlie. Despite the myriad of reasons to walk away, she was here. She wanted him in every state, from his stubborn work persona to his soft whispers in the dark. It was a precious piece of normalcy, and he found himself smiling as he admired the sight.

“Every night?” Charlie repeated. Now sitting on her knees, she was eye-to-eye with him, and he couldn’t look away.

“Do you have a problem with that?” Ethan asked, his hand reaching out for her hip. Now that he could freely touch her, he was greedy.

Charlie shrugged softly, crawling towards him. Before he could process what she was doing, she was in his lap, her legs straddling him as she hooked her arms around his neck. Her shirt was soft against his bare chest, and she was close enough that he could feel the rise and fall of her chest as she breathed. Ethan took a deep breath to fully immerse himself in the heady combination of his body wash and her innately seductive scent. His hands instinctively went to her waist, crumbling the excess fabric of her shirt as he selfishly gripped her.

“Me?” Charlie whispered, so near that her breath felt warm, “No. I would _happily_ spend every single night in this bed.”

Ethan’s eyes closed as her hands dipped down his back, her nails running between his shoulder blades, and he released a soft yet eager moan.

“But-“Charlie began, and Ethan’s eyes flew open. Whatever she said, he knew he would hate it.

“I can’t spend every night here without _someone_ figuring us out,” Charlie explained, watching in amusement as Ethan fell back into the headboard in defeat.

Ethan groaned.

Of course, nothing could be easy for them. They couldn’t just lock themselves in his bedroom for the duration of their honeymoon phase without raising suspicion. They already toed the line of being discovered, and discovery was not an option. To maintain their careers, they would have to forfeit some of the best, most beautiful moments together, and they resented it.

Ethan resented everything and everyone for depriving them of happiness, including himself. Part of him wished that things could just be different – that they didn’t work together or that they wouldn’t face serious repercussions if everyone found out. He wished that he’d just stumbled upon Charlie and could explore their relationship without outside influence.

But then, could he really begrudge this? He had Charlie. He loved that she was ambitious, talented, and challenging – things he wouldn’t know about her if he just met her at a bar. If she hadn’t been by his side every day, silently daring him to fall in love with her, would he have missed her? Would he have lost out on something amazing?

As Ethan silently mused and visibly expressed his frustration with a tight grimace, Charlie smoothed his hair and allowed herself to stare. Her nails scratched the same patterns on his scalp that had soothed him the night she rescued him from a downtown bar, and she pressed a soft kiss to his nose, beaming when she noticed his expression soften.

“Speaking of not getting caught…” Charlie ventured, “What are the rules here?”

“Rules?” Ethan asked, visibly confused.

“Well, I know you want this to be a secret-“

“For our mutual benefit,” Ethan interrupted, eager to express his rationale. He didn’t want her to think that he just wanted to hide their relationship out of convenience or because he was ashamed of her. If anything, it was just the opposite.

“Right,” Charlie accepted, “But we need rules beyond that. For example, how are we going to pull that off? And what else do we agree on?”

Ethan couldn’t wipe the bewilderment off his face. He sat up straighter to signal that he was ready and prepared to have a serious conversation if need be, but he felt like a fish out of water. He’d never had a conversation like this before, not even during his affair with Harper. What kind of ‘rules’ did one need?

“I mean, I assume that we agree on the basics. We both want to be in a relationship, and considering our past, that’s a significant step,” Ethan wanted to understand, but his confusion was evident.

“Yes, it is, and I’m so happy that we’re going to do that,” Charlie conceded quickly, afraid of seeming like the magic of tonight had worn off. It was incredible that they’d finally worked things out. It was a massive step for both of them, and she was awestruck that she got to be with him after all they’d been through. But a grand romantic gesture and sweet promises didn’t answer everything.

If they wanted this to work, they would have to work for it, and to be successful, they needed rules.

“I just don’t to mess this up because of a stupid miscommunication or mistake, you know?” Charlie squirmed slightly, horrified at the thought of losing him.

“I don’t want that either,” Ethan assured her, squeezing her waist reassuringly, “But I just don’t know what kind of ‘rules’ we need.”

“Okay, I get that,” Charlie said, and to prove her point, she added, “Just for example, we agreed to be in a relationship, _but_ we never said it was exclusive.”

Ethan’s eyes narrowed.

“Of course, we’re exclusive,” Ethan’s voice was hard, outraged that she would even imply they weren’t. Jealousy filled him as he imagined her with someone else, and he instinctively held onto her tighter, “That’s what a relationship is, isn’t it? I mean, I know I’m an old man, but I can’t be that out of touch.”

Charlie watched as Ethan spun himself out, creating more and more avenues for his anxiety. His gaze had steadily drifted towards the ceiling as he settled into the horrific idea that she might not want to be exclusive with him. Eager to stop him before he tortured himself too much, Charlie touched his chin, pulling him down to meet her gaze. She met his eyes and placed a hand on his chest to settle his racing heartbeat, and the distraction was enough for him to calm down for a moment.

“Ethan, _relax_. I want to be exclusive. It’s just an example. I didn’t mean to make you think otherwise,” Charlie leaned in for a soft, chaste kiss, “But the fact you got worked up means we might want to talk about that.”

Ethan took a deep, calming breath to drown out the insecure part of him that worried he wasn’t enough for someone as amazing Charlie. She picked him. She could have anyone, but she chose him. He had to trust that she knew what she wanted.

“Okay, I’ll concede that,” Ethan managed, “So, that’s one rule down.”

“Second rule, keep this thing a secret.”

“Charlie,” Ethan whispered, noting the sadness in her eyes, “I want you to know that I’m not trying to hide you. I know this is a lot to ask. If people found out, it could jeopardize your career and mine, not to mention your place on the diagnostics team. As much as Naveen likes us together, it’s hospital policy to keep romantic relationships out of our practice. The administrators would disapprove of us working closely. The team can’t lose you, especially now.”

Charlie nodded. She knew that everything he said was true, including the disapproval of management. Rationally, she knew it wasn’t worth the risk, not right now. But rationality didn’t override her disappointment.

“I know,” Charlie murmured, biting her lip, “It just… _sucks_.”

Ethan chuckled, mildly amused by her word choice, but he understood the sentiment.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, pressing a soft kiss to her forehead.

“Not your fault,” Charlie shrugged with a faint, accepting half-smile.

A moment silence fell between them. It was a crack in the perfect night, but even as they pondered their unfortunate situation, they were still happy to be together

“What other rules were you thinking?” Ethan finally asked, running his hand up and down her back in a soothing gesture.

Charlie let out a thoughtful sigh, and she drummed her fingers on his shoulder as she deliberated. She’d never been in a relationship like this, so she couldn’t even imagine what she needed to correct or prevent. All she had to guide her was their past.

“We need to learn to communicate with each other because, quite frankly, we’re terrible at it,” Charlie ultimately announced.

“We _are_ terrible about it,” Ethan mused.

“I don’t want to hurt you again, and I don’t want you to hurt me. So, we’ve both got to work on that,” Charlie concluded, clearly overwhelmed by the undertaking. Could they actually learn to communicate? Or was this all a futile exercise?

“For you, I’m willing to learn to express my feelings,” Ethan recognized the weight of what he said, though he wasn’t sure if Charlie did. With Harper, Ethan never had any feelings worthy of expressing. Once he felt something negative about her career choices, the disagreement wasn’t worth pursuing. They ended their romantic relationship and attempted to patch up their friendship along the way.

But Charlie was different.

He’d already walked out on her because he didn’t know how to work things out, and she had done the same again. Yet, despite their best intentions, they always came back together. That meant something.

When Ethan offered a relationship, he did so intending to make it work, even if it included growing pains.

“You? Express your feelings?” Charlie teased, relieved to find familiarity and comfort after such a conversation. Bringing up uncomfortable truths and thinking of all the ways they could fail made her feel anxious, but teasing him felt normal.

They could do this. Of course, they could.

 _He’s willing to challenge his own behaviors for you,_ she thought, _He promised to stay, and this time, he understood what that promise meant. You don’t need to be afraid_.

Still, she was – just a little bit.

But she felt happy with him, and that was enough to swallow the fear.

“I’ll warn you, I mostly just feel irritation, but I am willing to express that,” he played along, feeding into the persona she first met. He knew he was obstinate, critical, and asinine. Of course, he still was all of those things, especially when faced with incompetence, but he was more than that, too. Now, she got to see all of it.

Charlie let out a rush of air from her nose, nearly snorting in laughter, but she managed to compose herself. She bit her lower lip to hide her wide, ecstatic grin, but she couldn’t stop herself. She was so incredibly happy, and she was overwhelmed with all that they’d accomplished.

Only a few hours ago, she was crying on the train because she thought she had lost him forever. A week ago, they weren’t talking, and before that, she went on a date with someone else. Now, they were in a relationship, maturely discussing hard topics for the success of their romance. Charlie was so proud of them that she could have cried.

She wanted Ethan when he was grumpy, happy, sad, romantic, and even standoffish.

And she certainly wanted him now.

Leaning closer, Charlie brushed her lips along his jaw, whispering, “I think we should add a fourth rule.”

Ethan’s breath grew heavier, and he rested his hands on her lower back, his eyes fluttering shut.

“A fourth rule?” Ethan repeated, dazed and preoccupied with her soft lips against his stubble.

“Do you want to know what it is?” she murmured, her lips traveling down his jaw until she kissed the edge of his lips.

Ethan nodded emphatically, careful not to push her away in the process. Her chest was pressed against his, and he felt constricted by her clothing. He held the fabric tight, pulling it into his fist as he longed to remove it.

Smirking against his skin, she whispered, “We should never wear clothes in this bed.”

Charlie’s lips met Ethan’s, building a fire that rooted itself in her belly and spread. He tasted like scotch, and it was enough to make her feel lightheaded. He held her tight, urging her closer as their bodies met.

Ethan released the fistfuls of her shirt, skimming her lower back to reach the hem. Once he found it, he dipped his fingers beneath. She was warm to the touch as he met her skin, grabbing a handful of her bare ass and earning a small gasp before sliding further up. Charlie’s lips went slack, intoxicated by the sensation. Her eyelids were heavy, and she breathed against him in tiny, expectant breaths. He gripped her waist, pulling her abdomen against his, and Charlie groaned softly, digging her hips into his. She was pleased to feel that he was already growing firm, and her body demanded friction. Unconsciously, she began to move her hips against him, grinding steadily yet desperately. The relief was instant. She was wound by want, and the resulting tension in her body begged to satisfy it.

Ethan dug his nails into her spine at the feeling, and it took an overwhelming amount of self-control to not throw her on her back and take her right there.

Charlie gasped at the sharp pain, and she fell further into him, kissing Ethan greedily. Her kiss roamed from his lips, moving to his neck where she tested his sensitivity. As soon as she found a sensitive spot, she lingered there, teetering on the edge of marking him but holding herself back just enough to keep his skin unblemished. She liked feeling his small gasps and initial shock, and she especially liked seeing her effect on him.

By now, Ethan had nearly reached her shoulders, her shirt held up by his wrists. He pushed her back enough to take the shirt off, and he carelessly threw it to the floor. Once it was gone, she was completely bare in front of him. Her soft skin glowed in the dim light, and her blonde curls seemed to attract the moonlight to form a halo around her. He was caught between conflicting desires to admire her and to consume her.

Before Ethan could decide, Charlie decided for him. She moved closer, kissing him again. It more insistent than before, with far more silent demands attached to it. Free of her clothes, she felt his warm, solid abdomen against her. Her skin was flushed with desire, and it made Ethan even more appreciative of her proximity. Charlie felt so incredibly soft, the only exception being her pert nipples that grazed him. He had a million thoughts of what he wanted to do with her, where he wanted to touch her, and how he wanted to worship her, but they were all distant and clouded by desire. He was used to being selfish with her body, always aware that he may not have the opportunity again, but now, he had a million nights to share. That thought was startling and incredible.

Charlie’s hands explored his bare chest. His chest hair stubble prickled, but she soothed it by discovering the softer, smoother parts as well. Ethan grabbed her hips firmly, holding them in place as he began to grind against her. The friction of their combined grinding made Charlie groan, and thoughts of anything else immediately disappeared.

She fell back, focusing her energy on the movement in her hips. He watched the desperation take hold. Her gaze was hazy but still managed to shamelessly observe him. Charlie’s breathing became ragged, and quietly, she whispered one-syllable words of encouragement, including “oh,” “more,” and his favorite, “fuck.” Her chest and cheeks burned red, and her head tilted back.

Placing his thumb on her chin, he tilted her head back down to meet his eyes. She stared deeply, her lips parted, and she was convinced that she had never wanted him more. He leaned closer to kiss her, and her arms looped around his neck, tangling her fingers in his hair.

“You’re not naked yet,” she murmured against his lips in accusation.

Ethan laughed, squeezing her ass as he whispered, “Are you impatient?”

“ _Yes._ ”

Even in his sweatpants, Ethan couldn’t hide his desire, but he decided to tease her anyway, “We have all night, Charlie.”

Charlie glared at him, suddenly stilling her hips. He missed the sensation immediately, and before she could teach him another lesson, he untied his waistband. She climbed off his lap to help him undress and felt a sense of accomplishment when his clothes were finally on his bedroom floor. Just as she suspected, Ethan’s erection proved that he was just as eager as she was.

Pulling her hair back, Charlie licked his dick, watching carefully as his eyes went wide. He jerked in surprise but fell back in relief when she licked it again. She was tempted to take her time and make him suffer, but she was too impatient herself and decided that she would have plenty of opportunities to tease him until he begged for more. She wrapped her lips around him, making sure he was sufficiently wet before climbing back onto his lap.

Once she was back on him, Ethan selfishly kissed her. He kissed the edge of her mouth and then her jaw and then her chin. He moved lower to her neck, taking his time and returning the favor on highlighting sensitive areas. Then he kissed her collarbone, running the length of it until he met the top of her sternum. There, he kissed down the center of her breasts. He held the left breast in his hand as he kissed across the right one, running his tongue along her soft skin. His tongue circled her nipple, and Charlie groaned, scratching his shoulder blades as she moved her hands into his hair. He wrapped his lips around her nipples and delighted in the sudden “Oh!” Charlie whispered. He lavished her in attention, repeating the exercise on her left breast until she was breathless.

“Ethan?” she managed, her voice soft and distracted.

“Hmm?” Ethan hummed against her skin.

“I really, really want to fuck you.”

A smirk perked on Ethan’s face, and attempting to seem very serious, he said, “Then you probably should.”

Charlie laughed, and shaking her head, she took him in her hand and lined him up. Slowly taking him in, Charlie felt the rest of the world slip away, and she moaned in relief at the fullness. With his entire length inside of her, she stilled for a moment to appreciate the connection. Eventually, her need for friction spurred her into action. Stabilizing herself with her hands on his shoulders, she began to move up and down. Arching her back further, she tilted her hips to reach just the right spot, and once she did, she fell into his chest, murmuring something Ethan didn’t understand about how much she loved his dick.

Her speed gradually increased, and her nails dug into Ethan’s shoulder as she tumbled into her desire. She was hot to the touch, flushing so bright that he knew she was close. She began to move with her, allowing them to meet deeper and harder. Charlie moaned his name, unable to stop herself as she went faster and faster. Stars clouded her vision, but all she wanted to see was him.

“Cum for me,” Ethan demanded, his voice husky and full of want, and he gripped her hips meanly, helping her take him even deeper.

Charlie couldn’t speak. She could only feel the warmth in her belly and the fire in her limbs. She wanted everything until all she could recognize was want and desire. Her muscles grew tight and tense, holding in all the ecstasy as it built inside of her. It mounted and mounted until it was all too much…

“Fuck.” Off Charlie’s lips, it was a praise, a prayer, and a plea.

Everything was on fire. She was burning. She was climbing. She was so, so, so – so close.

And then she fell into it. Pleasure consumed her as she screamed Ethan’s name.

Ethan followed soon after, and for what could have been an eternity, he held her.

With her head on Ethan’s shoulder, Charlie steadied herself to the rhythm of his heartbeat. Together, they bathed in bliss until it faded, and then, they just enjoyed being this close.

Finally, Charlie peaked up at him and, with a small, sleepy smile, asked, “Another shower?”

This was enough to spur them both into action. Charlie lazily climbed off his lap, and together, they went to his bathroom and cleaned themselves off. Charlie moved slowly, showing her exhaustion after two days of minimal sleep. After their shower, Ethan wrapped her up in a big fluffy towel, and they climbed back into his bed. Charlie wanted to stay up, still holding on to their perfect night, but Ethan noted her fatigue and rubbed small, soothing patterns into her back until she finally fell asleep.

And that was how the first night of their new relationship ended…


	13. Close Call

Morning came too quickly, and Charlie refused to greet it.

Ethan’s alarm went off sharply at 7 am, disturbing their peaceful sleep and effectively making Charlie miserable. Exhausted, Charlie clung to Ethan, burying her face into his shoulder so that she might convince him to stay. Though constrained by Charlie’s tight hug, Ethan deftly reached his nightstand and turned off the alarm. Once peace was restored to his bedroom, he eyed the woman in his arms with unreserved amusement and adoration. 

Despite being tired, Charlie was exceptionally comfortable.

It had been so long since she had slept with Ethan that she forgot just how soft his king-size bed was, not to mention the comfort of his warm frame slumbering next to her. She had no intention of ever climbing out of this bed, nor did she intend for Ethan to do so either. For all she cared, nothing existed beyond Ethan and his luxe sheets.

“Stay,” Charlie mumbled into his shoulder as she snuggled closer to his side, “Let’s call in sick and stay in bed forever.”

Ethan smiled softly, brushing a stray curl out of her face as he leaned in to kiss her forehead tenderly, “We have to go to work, Charlotte.”

Charlie narrowed her eyes. Had his sleepy voice not been so attractive, she might have been concerned that he used her full name.

“I’m Charlotte now?” she asked, kissing his shoulder as she added, “Not Charlie? Not _Rookie_?”

Ethan’s attempt at a stern expression melted the moment she said ‘Rookie.’ He couldn’t help but be happy when he heard that. Hell, he couldn’t help but be happy _period._ Everything felt right – like a million puzzle pieces had finally clicked into place. This was where they belonged. He felt so happy that he was sure that he didn’t deserve it. People like him didn’t get to experience this, did they?

“ _Charlie_ and _Rookie_ would realize that they still need to go to work today,” Ethan teased.

“Only you would deprive yourself of a full day in bed just to save your sick days,” Charlie grumbled, squeezing him ever so tighter in a last-ditch effort to keep him from getting up.

It didn’t work. 

In an exertion of enormous self-control, Ethan got out of bed and approached his closet. Despite the strong pull to return to Charlie and waste the day in her embrace, he began to dress. He only dared to look back at her once he was half-dressed, thinking that the clothing would help him resist her enigmatic charm. 

Charlie, however, never looked away from Ethan. Propped up on one arm, she shamelessly eyed his bare frame, nearly put into a trance as she watched his back muscles flex to slide into his white button-up. When he turned back to her, she didn’t attempt to hide her obvious appreciation. Instead, she just tilted her head to admire the plain of exposed abs as his shirt hung undone.

“Are you watching me?” Ethan asked, laughing and attempting to downplay his swell of pride.

Charlie shrugged and leaned her head back to the pillow, never taking her eyes off him. She patted the empty side of the bed next to her and asked, “Are you _sure_ you don’t want to come back to bed?”

Staying away from her felt like a herculean effort. Yet, to her horror, he managed to do so.

“We’re going to work, Charlie.”

Charlie groaned and made a show of rolling her eyes, her body fully collapsing into the soft mattress. She knew Ethan well enough to know that he _never_ missed work, so a lazy day in bed had always been unlikely. But she asked because this precious thing felt so fragile. She dreaded keeping her distance in the name of professionalism, and her head swam at the prospect of maintaining their secret. As soon as they entered Edenbrook, things became difficult and complicated. In this bed, they were still simple.

From across the room, Ethan watched Charlie’s demeanor changed, and his resilience softened. Ethan approached Charlie and gently pushed her hair out of her face, forcing her to meet his gaze. Charlie was frustrated and stubborn, but the tender intensity of his stare encouraged her to lower her guard. He pressed a soft kiss to her forehead and whispered, “I’ll make you coffee?”

“You wouldn’t need coffee if you stayed in bed,” Charlie grumbled playfully, earning a warm, hearty chuckle.

“Still trying to wear me down?” Ethan asked.

“Always,” Charlie affirmed with an impish grin.

Finally, Charlie got out of bed, though it was begrudgingly done. Naked, Charlie walked to the master bathroom, feeling the heat of Ethan’s stare on her bare skin. Again, he was tempted, but he fought against her seduction and dragged himself back to the closet to hurriedly dress and escape the bedroom before he joined her in the shower.

As Charlie showered and got dressed, Ethan took Jenner for a walk and made a fresh, steaming pot of coffee. The smell lured her into the kitchen, and she found a mug waiting for her on the kitchen island. In the rush the night before, she hadn’t packed any clothes, so she was dressed in Ethan’s sweatpants and a t-shirt – both of which were comically long and ill-fitting. Last night’s rain turned Charlie’s hair into a wild mane of curls, and without her styling products, she settled for a ponytail to keep it out of her face. Charlie was hardly at her best, but of course, Ethan was at his. Dressed simply but professionally, he looked as if he had walked right out of a magazine page, and there was an air of happiness that made him even more irresistible.

Even though she had seen him a million times, Charlie still felt a flush of a crush, and her cheeks flared pink. And beneath the unreserved appreciation, she envied him just a little bit.

“You’re staring, again,” Ethan noted from across the kitchen, leaned up against the coffee and nursing his cup of black coffee. He had left out cream and sugar for Charlie, which she had quickly added to her own mug.

“Of course, I am,” Charlie retorted, stirring in a lump of sugar, “You look like _that_ , and I look like I was hungover and raided a guy’s closet after a hookup.”

“I think you look beautiful.”

Charlie tried to play off his compliment, but her cheeks blushed bright enough for Ethan to know it had an effect.

“You’re just trying to sleep with me,” Charlie teased, sipping at her coffee.

“That’s absurd,” Ethan announced, leaving his mug on the counter to stand in front of her. His tall figure was imposing as it arched over her, and for the millionth time this morning, Charlie imagined undressing Ethan Ramsey. His hand on her jaw, he explained, “I want to sleep with you, _and_ I think you’re beautiful.”

Charlie laughed, and Ethan felt a rush of happiness.

He liked making her laugh… And he had a sudden thought that he wanted to do it for the rest of his life.

He wasn’t sure if he was leaning into the idea or running away from it as he leaned down to kiss her. Soon, the thought was gone and replaced with the intimate regard for how the coffee tasted on her lips.

“Mmmm,” Charlie hummed as their lips parted, and with her eyes still closed, she softly added, “I should get home soon.”

“What?” Ethan asked incredulously. Home? Why would she need to go _home_? Ethan may have resisted her offer to stay in bed all day, but he thought he would at least share her morning.

“I ran here in my pajamas with only my apartment key, my cell-phone, and my debit card. I can’t just walk into work without my ID while wearing your clothes,” Charlie seemed so sure of herself that Ethan could only knit his eyebrows as he listened.

She was right, of course, but he still didn’t like it.

“You have scrubs in your locker.”

“But I _don’t_ have my ID.”

“I can drive you home after breakfast, and then, I’ll drive you to work,” Ethan suggested.

“That will be inconspicuous,” Charlie mused sarcastically. Ethan didn’t appreciate her humor and anchored his hands to her side, trying to keep her there.

“I don’t want you to go,” Ethan admitted. His voice was quiet, like this was a secret only known to the two of them. It made Charlie’s heart melt.

“If you’d stayed in bed, I wouldn’t be leaving,” Charlie reminded him, unable to resist one more dig. She fiddled with his tie, straightening it unnecessarily just to stay a bit longer. Ethan chuckled quietly, watching her. The gesture felt incredibly natural and domestic, and he felt like his chest was continually expanding to accommodate even more affection for her. The sensation was warm and inviting, yet something about it nearly made him fearful. There were so many ways to ruin this…

“I’ll see you in about an hour anyway,” Charlie said it to remind herself just as much as him.

“I’ll miss you anyway.”

Charlie grinned so wide she felt like her face might split, and she kissed him.

It wasn’t their last kiss before Charlie left his apartment. He kissed her once more after she finished her coffee, and she couldn’t resist kissing him goodbye at the door.

As she walked home, Charlie felt completely and overwhelmingly _happy_.

She hopped over potholes and cracks in the pavement like she was skipping through a cloud. Everything felt _right_. The world seemed better, and the sun seemed brighter. She’d never felt this incredibly content. For the first time since she’d met Ethan Ramsey, she felt safe and secure in his affection. She felt free from months of miserably going back and forth, oscillating between obsession and rejection.

Charlie found a cab a few blocks away, and as she stared at the city, she found herself smiling and thinking of how Ethan’s hair fell in his face as he slept.

When she arrived at her apartment, Charlie was forced out of her daydreams by the fear of being caught by her roommates. She took the stairs two at a time and hesitated by the door, listening for sounds of movement on the other side. Hearing nothing, Charlie quickly unlocked the door and stepped inside.

To her surprise, the living room and kitchen were empty. Everyone seemed to be in their rooms, oblivious to Charlie’s entrance.

Charlie hurried to her bedroom. She threw on the first pair of scrubs she saw and shoved everything she needed into her bag. After, she made a show of leaving her room just as everyone else did, joining the morning routine as her friends sleepily milled into the kitchen to make coffee or grab energy drinks.

Charlie was shocked at how effortlessly she convinced them that she had been home all night. None of them heard her rush out of the apartment the night before, and none noticed her come in this morning. Her prepared excuses were unnecessary, yet not mentioning it felt just like lying.

She felt deep, sinking guilt as they carried on small talk.

It was hard to think of safe conversation topics. All she wanted to talk about was her night with Ethan, but she couldn’t. She desperately wanted to share her new relationship. She longed to hear their jokes and teasing, and she even craved their approval. She wanted her best friends to agree and support her, but really, she couldn’t give them the chance.

It was enough to dim the bright glow of her relationship for a moment. 

Together, they commuted to Edenbrook. On the train, they talked and moaned about their respective tasks for the day. By the time they reached Edenbrook, the conversation was more playful. They teased Sienna for stopping for iced coffee on the way, and they accused Jackie of trying to imitate Bryce as she gulped down a disgusting protein drink in the locker room.

It felt normal, if just a little sad for Charlie’s secret.

It was remarkably easy to lie, but it took much more of her than she expected.

But the glow came back.

Because, of course, Ethan was there, too.

It took roughly an hour for the pair to naturally run into each other. Ethan had joined the interns for their morning rounds, so when Charlie found him, an exasperated frown had settled on his lips. Even as he looked grumpy and frustrated, he was remarkably handsome, and she felt butterflies in her stomach. She had an urge to rush towards him and kiss him, so it took a conscious effort to approach him casually and slowly.

Ethan knew to remain nonchalant when he saw her, but a smile pricked at his lips. Anyone paying attention would have seen the apparent change, and if they were particularly curious, they would have seen why. Luckily, Ethan didn’t notice anyone watching. Of course, he was so focused on Charlie that he could have easily missed it.

“Morning, Dr. Ramsey,” Charlie greeted him, and something about that familiar phrase felt spectacular.

“Greene,” Ethan nodded hello, clearing his throat in an attempt to maintain his grumbling tone instead of falling into the quiet whispers he preferred with her.

“Do you have a case for me?” Charlie asked.

“In fact,” Ethan nodded his head towards the patient chart in his hands, “I do.”

Charlie moved closer to look over the details with him. They moved towards a quiet corner under the guise of needing privacy for the patient. In fairness, they _did_ address the case, but in the process, there were many shared, secret smiles and brushed fingertips. They were cozy in that corner – so cozy that Ethan almost didn’t notice the pair of interns approaching them.

“Dr. Ramsey?”

Ethan and Charlie separated instantly, and though they tried to act normal, Charlie felt like her heart was on the verge of beating right out of her chest from the close call. Ethan’s face settled into a hard line that nearly scared the interns off. Their impertinence earned his irritation, and should their question be anything ridiculous or unnecessary, that irritation would easily transition to outrage.

Charlie didn’t dare have an opinion on the two women walking towards them. She was too preoccupied trying to seem casual.

“Um, we’re having an issue with a patient,” one of them said once they reached the pair. She looked familiar, but Charlie didn’t know her well enough to remember her name. However, she did sympathize with how nervous she seemed. She remembered rounds with Ethan and that talking to him after felt like walking into flames.

Ethan stared expectantly, waiting for them to elaborate. When they didn’t, he prompted, “And that is?”

“Her symptoms have dramatically changed,” the other answered, offering a file, “She was admitted for difficulty breathing and a high fever, but she is now experiencing confusion and instability.”

Ethan accepted the chart, and he perused the information, he asked, “What is your diagnosis?”

“Oh. Uh, we… we don’t know,” the first explained sheepishly, “That’s why we came to you.”

Ethan raised an eyebrow, looking up from the file with a look that told Charlie the two interns were in for a hell of a time.

He looked back to Charlie as he closed the chart, “We will finish our discussing our patient later in my office where we cannot be interrupted by interns.” He eyed the two women, who gulped and stared anxiously. His gaze was enough to reprimand them for failing to do their due diligence, and Charlie certainly didn’t envy them.

Charlie nodded her approval and watched as Ethan left, the two interns following him. She left soon after, off to finish her morning responsibilities and check in with a few patients from the night before. As she did, she made a mental note to be more careful in public.

About an hour later, Charlie found a spare moment to visit Ethan’s office. She knocked on the door, and after a beat, she heard a reluctant, “Come in,” from the other side.

Ethan, having just finished cleaning up another intern’s mess, couldn’t stomach another visit from an incompetent intern. This particular batch felt unusually comfortable around him. They were more likely to approach him and expose their deficiencies and clumsiness than past interns had. He blamed himself for being too lax. Charlie had softened him.

When he saw a flash of blonde hair, he let out a sigh of relief. Charlie closed the door behind her, and he fell back into his chair, mumbling, “Thank God.”

Charlie laughed quietly at her greeting, “That happy to see me?”

“I am _always_ happy to see you,” Ethan confirmed, standing from his desk to welcome her, “But I am particularly relieved you’re not an intern.”

Charlie raised an eyebrow as she reached the desk, “Oh?”

Ethan wrapped his arms around her waist, tilting his head to look at her better, “They’re far too comfortable talking to me.”

“Isn’t that your job as an attending? I’m pretty sure you’re _supposed_ to talk to them,” Charlie teased, looping her arms around his neck.

“I’m supposed to _train_ and _educate_ them, not clean up their messes.”

“You helped me clean up mine,” Charlie challenged.

“ _You_ were an exception. Though you have a habit of making messes, you also clean yours up yourself. If I helped, it was a special case,” Ethan explained.

“Really? Because I distinctly remember being called _incompetent_.”

“You were,” Ethan remained firm on his judgment, “But now, you are exceptionally competent.”

“What an honor,” Charlie laughed, tilting her head up to look at him. She bit her lower lip, and it was all Ethan could look at. “I must have had a good teacher…”

Ethan smiled that sweet, tender smile that was just for her, and he kissed her gently. Charlie’s fingers tangled in his hair as she deepened his kiss. Everything was else was distant. All that really mattered was them.

Until they were interrupted again.

_Knock. Knock._

Clumsily, Ethan and Charlie pulled away, and they shared a look of absolute panic.

“One minute!” Ethan called out as Charlie quickly tried to smooth his hair back down. He wiped his mouth to remove any remnants of her lip balm, and she straightened her white coat as she moved to the other side of the room, hoping to put distance between them as if that would hide how flustered she was. For a moment, she considered hiding behind his desk, but there were too many ways for that to backfire.

“Ethan?” the person on the other side of the door asked, and Charlie’s eyes darted to Ethan in a silent question. What the fuck was _Bryce_ doing there?

Ethan shrugged helplessly as he moved toward the door, straightening his tie, and he opened the door before Bryce could knock again – or worse, _walk in_.

Bryce, blissfully unaware of the panic inside the office, stood there with a welcoming grin. Ethan couldn’t imagine why he was there and cursed his bad timing.

“Raf and I are going to try out a boxing class instead of going to the gym tomorrow. Since we’re all gym buddies,” Bryce nudged his friend, who still wasn’t sure if they were friends, “We want you to come, too.”

Ethan stared blankly for a moment. _This_ is what they had been interrupted for?

Ethan blinked, “Um, sure.”

“Nice,” Bryce nodded at his victory, and that was when he caught sight of Charlie in the corner.

Her heart stopped, and the panic set in.

“Charlie? Hey, what are you doing here?” Bryce was still sporting his friendly, innocent smile, and Charlie couldn’t find a hint of understanding in his eyes. He seemed like he genuinely had no idea what was happening.

She couldn’t believe it.

This was the third time they could have been caught, and Bryce didn’t even notice their disheveled appearance or panicked faces. They had to be the luckiest people alive…

“I was just working on a case with Dr. Ramsey,” Charlie trod carefully, studying Bryce closely for any sign of scandal, but again, his expression was blank. She continued, “It was quieter in here.”

“If we’re working on cases in peace, I want in. The doctor’s lounge is so loud that I can’t think straight in there,” Bryce looked eager, like he hoped that the three would share some deep bond of friendship by working together in a shared office. There was absolutely no way Ethan would allow that.

“She’s working on a case _with_ me. My office is not a lounge,” Ethan clarified, eager to get Bryce far away before he figured something out.

“Boo,” Bryce complained. He leaned further in the door frame to tell Charlie, “Somebody’s grumpy.”

Charlie stifled a laugh as Ethan firmly chastised him, “ _Lahela_.” 

“Okay, okay,” Bryce raised his hands in surrender, “I’ll leave you alone.”

Still, he stood there.

“Goodbye, Lahela.”

“Fine,” Bryce grumbled, finally stepping away, “I’ll text you the address for tomorrow.”

He walked slowly, waiting for an invitation inside, and instead, Ethan closed the door on him.

As soon as the door was closed, Charlie and Ethan looked to each other with wide-eyed confusion.

“What the fuck just happened?” Ethan asked, turning the lock on his door just in case, and he fell into the couch beside Charlie.

“I genuinely think he has no idea…” Charlie admitted, still looking at the doorway like it had some secret to tell.

“We need to be more careful,” Ethan murmured, wiping his face with frustration.

“Definitely,” Charlie agreed, and a silence fell over them as they processed their close call.

But, as Charlie looked down at Ethan, she had another thought…

“We _do_ have a half-hour until people need us,” Charlie reminded him, shrugging innocently, but Ethan’s eyebrow raised as he saw through her.

“We’ve almost been caught three times today, and you want to have sex in my office in the middle of the day?” Ethan asked incredulously.

“You didn’t say no,” Charlie pointed out.

Ethan considered it. He knew to say no. It was an irresponsible, ridiculous suggestion. They were respected professionals. They couldn’t just have sex in the middle of the day.

But…

Ethan shrugged out of his white coat, dropping it to the couch as he stood. He pulled Charlie tight against him, devouring her as his hands slipped up her scrubs.

_They did have a half-hour._

And they could always be responsible tomorrow.


	14. Jealousy & Pasta

Charlie was staring.

She couldn’t stop, no matter how hard she tried.

She came to the nurse’s station to find a quiet place where she could finish her paperwork for the night, but the paperwork quickly fell to the wayside.

She was watching Ethan – or rather, she was watching Ethan interact with _her_.

Ethan was working with Ava Silva, the new star intern. About half an hour ago, Ava found Ethan in his office, waiting for Charlie to finish for the night so that they could go back to his apartment and make dinner. When she presented Ethan with her patient, he was intrigued enough to join her on the case, and Ava did something to impress him. He didn’t watch Ava like he watched the other interns, like he was studying every moment for a sign of a mistake. He looked… _pleased_. Maybe even a little proud.

Ethan Ramsey was unusually agreeable, and that intern was standing unusually close to him.

Until tonight, Charlie flattered herself as being the only intern Ethan Ramsey regarded like that, but now that specialness felt mundane. Had his approval really been so miraculous, or was Charlie just hoping it was?

Charlie felt ridiculous as she watched the two of them. She knew it meant nothing. She knew that, once he finished in that patient’s room, he would take Charlie home. Yet, something eerily resembling doubt left her feeling unnerved and – dare she say – _jealous_.

So, she kept staring.

“You and Ramsey, huh?” Esme’s voice startled Charlie. With an expression that could only be described as pure horror, Charlie looked to her intern, hoping for a clue that she’d misheard Esme and hadn’t been caught.

Esme’s smirk dashed those hopes immediately.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Charlie’s voice wavered, making her lie even less believable. She gripped her pen tighter and cast a glance down to her unfinished paperwork as if trying to belatedly establish an alibi.

For all her attempts to hide, she was only making it more obvious.

Esme cocked her eyebrow, looking surprised by Charlie’s audacious lie.

“So, you just stare at everyone then?” Esme challenged, casting a meaningful look in Ethan’s direction. Charlie didn’t bother lying this time, which relieved Esme. For the last ten minutes, Esme passively watched Charlie, waiting for her concentration to break. When it didn’t, Esme cemented her long-held suspicions about the two colleagues.

“I’ve just never seen Dr. Ramsey get along that well with _anyone_ , especially an intern,” Charlie shrugged, forcing herself to look at Esme and not Ethan, “I was just curious.”

“He gets along that well with you,” Esme countered, turning her gaze back to her paperwork as she scribbled a signature. She didn’t intend to let Charlie explain it away, and Charlie grimaced.

“It just seems like that now,” Charlie shrugged, “He hated me when I first started here.”

“I highly doubt Dr. Ramsey has ever hated you,” Esme mumbled, checking a box and signing a corresponding signature.

“He did,” Charlie asserted less confidently. Had he ever hated her? Certainly, he had insulted her, and more than once, his criticism had driven her to drink and complain after work. But had he ever _hated_ her? Or were his expectations just high?

Or… had he always liked her? Had he just been an asshole to keep his distance?

Charlie felt less sure than ever, but she tried to keep her uncertainty off her face.

Esme paused for a moment, looking between Charlie and Ethan and Ava. She mulled it over and finally decided to ease Charlie by saying, “Well, even if he hated you then, you shouldn’t worry now. He doesn’t look at anyone else like he looks at _you_.”

Charlie blushed, which was all the confirmation Esme needed, but she allowed Charlie to deny it anyway. Truthfully, Charlie didn’t want to deny it anymore. She wanted to ask Esme a thousand questions. How long had she known? Were they obvious? Did he really seem to like her that much?

She longed for Esme to resolve all the timid doubts that came with a new relationship, especially because she couldn’t ask her friends to do so.

Their secret relationship was just two weeks old, and though Charlie felt secure in Ethan’s affection and her own decision to pursue a relationship, she couldn’t deny the series of small insecurities that sprouted under the secrecy. Without any outside opinions, she was left to interpret everything herself, and her own tendency to doubt had no one else to counter it.

“I think you’re just reading into it too much,” Charlie decided innocently, purposefully keeping her eyes off Ethan as she looked down to her paperwork.

“Maybe,” Esme shrugged, “For all I know, you two _aren’t_ together.”

Charlie let out an inaudible sigh of relief.

“ _But_ ,” Esme continued, knocking Charlie’s victory, “something is there. When I got here, you two couldn’t be in the same room. Now, I rarely see you apart. So, whatever it is, you two are certainly back on now, whatever that means for you.”

Charlie's expression went slack. She had nothing to counter that with, so instead of stumbling through an explanation, she just stared with dismay.

Just then, Ethan and Ava concluded their examination of the patient, and together, they exited the room. The spoke briefly to confirm the diagnosis and next steps. The entire time, Ava stood just an inch too close. Though he may not have looked at her with anything other than professional approval, there was undoubtedly a glimmer in her eye. Oblivious, Ethan affirmed that he would check on the patient in the morning, and when he left, Ava’s eyes followed him.

Charlie saw the whole thing out of the corner of her eye, and her stomach lurched.

Ethan saw Charlie immediately, and in the split second before he noted Esme beside her, his face broke out in a warm, wonderful smile. It disappeared when he realized they weren’t alone. Startled, he tried to twist his face into something normal, and instinctively, he cleared his throat and tightened his jaw.

He looked imposing. Maybe even intimidating.

But still happy.

To Charlie’s chagrin, Esme was always observant, and now, she had no doubt. She knew what they were doing, even if she lacked the details. Fortunately for both of them, she had no interest in stirring up hospital gossip. She liked Charlie, and that was enough for Esme to feel sworn to protect her. Besides, Esme felt like she owed Charlie for defending her encounter with Dr. Thorne.

“Good luck,” Esme whispered meaningfully to Charlie, and before Charlie could stammer out a final denial, Esme collected her paperwork and left the nurses station.

Charlie had only a few seconds before Ethan replaced Esme by her side. It wasn’t enough time to wrap her head around the conversation, nor her jealousy. She hardly knew what to say to him and was relieved when he spoke first.

“Are you almost done for the night?” Ethan nodded towards the paperwork in front of Charlie. He could see several blank spaces, but he hoped it was near completion. He had looked forward to taking her home all day.

“Nearly, maybe fifteen minutes left,” Charlie confessed sheepishly. She should have been done by now, but her envious stares and awkward conversations cost her time. She was cutting into their date night, a rarity given their schedule and secrecy.

She wished they could have just left anyway. She was happy to drop everything just to shed her jealousy and insecurities. She was eager to adore him without fearing unknown eyes and to get back to the basics of this relationship – the parts where they were happy, not anxious.

Ethan, casting a casual glance in both directions, made sure that no one was watching before he leaned closer, squeezing her hand and smiling softly, “Meet you in the garage in 20 minutes then?”

Charlie instinctively melted into the intimate warmth of the moment, and just for now, she forgot about Ava and Esme and secrets. Squeezing his hand back, she whispered, “You’re willing to be seen with me in the garage? How scandalous.”

“I think we’ll survive it,” Ethan shook his head softly, amused by her dramatization, “Besides, I’ve missed you today.”

“It’s your fault for not giving me any cases.”

Other than the brief diagnostics meeting to discuss the senator, they hadn’t interacted, save for fleeting glances and small talk in an elevator.

“I apologize for not overworking you, Charlotte,” Ethan tried to sound stern, but it came it just as love-drunk as everything else.

Giving up, Ethan squeezed Charlie’s hand one more time and commanded, “Now, finish your work so we can go home.”

“Fine,” Charlie teasingly grumbled, watching as Ethan gave her a warning glance and retreated to his office.

With the offer of homemade pasta and a night with Ethan Ramsey, Charlie worked much faster. Charlie powered through the material as fast as she could while staying thorough, and soon enough, the paperwork was completed and submitted. Eager to get to the garage, Charlie took off for the locker room to collect her stuff.

The room was empty except for the back corner, where a handful of interns crowded around a locker. They were talking loud enough that, if Charlie had been interested, she could have heard it all. But because she was far more concerned with quickly changing and meeting Ethan, she ignored them and focused her energy on shimmying into her jeans.

That was until one of them said Ethan’s name.

“I can’t believe you just spent _thirty minutes with Ethan Ramsey_ ,” one of them exclaimed, sounding overjoyed for her friend.

“And he said she did a ‘good job.’ I didn’t even know he knew how to compliment people,” another chimed in.

Charlie’s skin prickled with horror. She wanted to stop listening, button her shirt, and have a lovely night with Ethan. But she felt frozen, unable to escape the conversation.

“Stop, you guys! It wasn’t that big of a deal!”

This time, Charlie recognized the voice. It was Ava.

Fuck.

With her back the group, Charlie continued to eavesdrop.

“Please, if Bryce Lahela ever told me I did a good job, I would offer to marry him on the spot,” the first girl asserted confidently.

If they hadn’t been talking about Ethan, Charlie would have laughed and told Bryce the next day, but they _were_ talking about Ethan. So, Charlie hardly registered it.

“ _Guys, shut up,”_ Ava hissed at her friends, suddenly swatting at her friends to stop talking. Charlie had a hunch for why Ava shut down the conversation, and to test her theory, she cast a casual glance in their direction.

All three women were staring at her, with Ava in the middle looking particularly mortified.

Equally embarrassed, Charlie looked back to her locker. She was now determined to leave as quickly as possible and put the entire encounter behind her. Maybe she would joke about it with Ethan at dinner. Or maybe she would quietly mull on it for days. Either way, she needed to leave.

Charlie finished buttoning her shirt, and after shoving her belongings in her canvas tote, she was ready to get the hell out of there.

“You’re Charlie Greene, right?” Ava asked just before Charlie could make it to the door, forcing her to stop in her tracks.

Great.

Now, she had to talk to her.

“Yeah, I am,” Charlie affirmed, not offering any more information. She didn’t want to make this conversation longer than necessary.

This was the woman who had just flirted with her boyfriend and bragged about it with her friends. Was she wrong for instinctively hating her?

“So, you work with Dr. Ramsey, then?” Ava inquired. On either side, her friends squirmed and evaded eye contact. Perhaps they expected a lecture about professionalism. Perhaps she should have given them one.

But when you’re secretly dating your boss, can you really yell at someone else about staying professional?

“I’m on the diagnostics team, yes,” Charlie corrected. She didn’t enjoy framing her accomplishments through a man, even if it was her favorite man. She earned her spot on that team, and even if she frequently felt out of her league in their meetings, she deserved recognition for standing on her own.

“Right,” Ava swallowed, “I’m actually a big fan.”

_Oh._

Charlie squirmed, and something strange stirred in her belly. The instant hatred felt weak and perhaps even misplaced. Was it Ava’s fault for being attracted to Ethan? Almost everyone was. Even patients tried to sneak their number in his pocket when he wasn’t looking.

Now, Charlie looked directly at her, and she was struck by their similarities. Physically, they were different of course. Ava was shorter, yet leaner and more muscular than Charlie. Her hair was much darker, as were her brown eyes. Her skin was nice and tan, a stark contrast to Charlie’s perpetually pale body that burned if untreated with sunscreen. Yet, there was something similar in their posture and expression. They were both dedicated and hungry. They were both, at some time, the star intern, and they both earned Ethan’s approval.

And that was what flared Charlie’s jealousy.

They were so similar that, no matter how much Charlie reminded herself of Ethan’s affection, she worried that she wasn’t really special.

And if she wasn’t special, would Ethan still be so enthralled?

“I’m sorry about, um, before. We were just joking around,” Ava explained, her voice shaking from fear. She dreaded the idea of her words making their way back to Ethan. “You know how it is.”

Charlie did understand how it was.

And thus, Charlie decided she _didn’t_ hate Ava.

She was just another girl to whisper about her crush in a locker room. Charlie wasn’t angry at her. She was angry that she couldn’t publicly claim Ethan as her own.

“It’s okay. It happens,” Charlie shrugged and watched as Ava let out a sigh of relief.

Tentatively, one of Ava’s friends asked, “So you know Dr. Ramsey pretty well then?”

“I do,” Charlie confirmed.

The girl seemed to deliberately consider her next question, wondering how best to take advantage of this opportunity. Charlie decided to indulge her but only her. She had pasta and Ethan to get to.

“So, is he… dating anyone?”

Charlie was shocked by the question, and she realized that the Ethan these women knew was a very different man than the one Charlie knew. Their Ethan was fiction, an assortment of assumptions and experiences morphed into one gorgeous but grumpy figure. He was easy to fall in love with, but it was even easier to fall out of love when he failed to live up to expectations.

But Charlie’s Ethan was real. He was handsome and guarded, and he struggled to express his feelings, even when they threatened to overflow. For him, Charlie stumbled in and out of entanglements, recklessly tearing apart her life in the name of forgetting him. Together, they had smiled and cried and laughed and screamed. They ran away so many times, to so many places. Yet, just for the chance to say she adored him, she ran through the rain and stood on his doorstep, braced for rejection.

After a beat, Charlie decided to answer honestly, “He doesn’t talk about his personal life, but I’m pretty sure he’s dating someone.”

The three women blinked in surprise.

Charlie had been risky enough with that answer that she didn’t dare stay for follow-up questions. Bidding them all goodnight, she locked her stuff up and made a beeline for the garage.

The entire walk, she tried to put her thoughts together, but so much had happened that they were all jumbled.

She was jealous, insecure, and disappointed, but she also felt remarkably safe and known – and happy.

All the more so when she saw Ethan in his car.

He was waiting for her, his Charlie.

“That was longer than 15 minutes,” Ethan greeted her as she climbed into his passenger seat. Despite his complaint, he was smiling wide enough for her to know that her presence was appreciated.

“Interns stopped me in the locker room,” Charlie explained as she buckled her seat belt. Ethan pulled the car in reverse, and with his arm behind her headrest, she caught her first, unreserved glimpse of Ethan that day. It was enough to remind her why he was worth running through the rain.

“It’s starting. One day, you will dislike them just as much as I do,” Ethan gloated. Once out of the parking space, he easily navigated the near-empty parking garage. Feeling safe in the solitude, he found Charlie’s hand in the passenger seat and tangled his fingers in hers.

He was surprised by how much he enjoyed holding her hand. He had never been particularly fond of it in past relationships, nor was he partial to most physical displays of affection. But there was something different about holding Charlie’s hand. He felt a constant craving to be near her, one he couldn’t always satisfy. Holding her hand felt reassuring that she was still there and still willing to take on the inconveniences and burdens of dating him.

Part of Ethan kept waiting for Charlie to come to her senses and run away. When he was touching her, he could silence those thoughts.

“I don’t think the medical community could handle two of you, Ethan,” Charlie squeezed his hand softly as they exited the garage.

“I’m not sure the medical community can handle _one_ of me, to be frank,” Ethan thought aloud, and he noted Charlie’s grin out of the corner of his eye.

The drive was largely uneventful after that. Occasionally, he had to return his hands to the wheel to manage Boston traffic, but once the streets settled down, he found himself touching her again. They were comfortable in the car’s silence, and they were equally intrigued by the occasional quip or comment on the road.

It was comfortable.

It was… natural. Like their steps were in sync as they walked Ethan’s hallway. Like Ethan knew when to press the elevator button and Charlie knew exactly where to be. Like Charlie knew to lean against his shoulder and he knew to kiss the top of her head.

It was right.

As soon as Ethan opened his front door, Jenner joined the happy pair. He leaped from his comfortable bed in the living room and sprinted towards them. Jenner made a general acknowledgment of Ethan, but he lost all interest in his master when he noticed Charlie. The dog’s whole body wiggled as he jumped into Charlie’s open arms. He showered her face in adoring kisses, and likewise, she rewarded him with head scratches and a stream of compliments.

Ethan watched from the doorway with a mix of adoration, amusement, and frustration.

It was arguably the cutest thing he had ever seen, but after a long day away from Charlie, he now had another competitor for her attention.

“He likes you more than me,” Ethan commented, stepping into his apartment and dropping his keys in on the nearby table. He didn’t interrupt Jenner and Charlie, and when they were ready, they joined him in the apartment, Charlie walking with Jenner following on her heels.

Charlie found Ethan in the kitchen, rolling up his sleeves as he assembled the necessary ingredients on his kitchen island. He had been saving this recipe for a night that Charlie could help him make it, and he beckoned her to his side.

Charlie obliged, stopping only to wash her hands. But when she stood that close to him, she could think of a million things she’d rather do than make pasta.

“What do you need from me?”

“If you can mince the garlic, I’ll start the pasta,” Ethan decided, placing his hand on her side to pull her closer to him, and he kissed her temple, “Then, you can make the sauce, and I’ll make the seafood.”

“Seafood?” Charlie clarified, peaking through the ingredients to find clams, shrimp, and scallops. She stared at the pile of food with unfamiliarity. She _never_ did this much for a casual, weeknight dinner. Truthfully, she was a bit intimidated that Ethan did.

“What?” Ethan asked, noting her stare, “Charlotte, are you allergic and neglected to tell me?”

“No, no,” Charlie clarified quickly, “I’m just…” she motioned vaguely to the kitchen island, “I’m just amazed you put this much effort into a weeknight.”

Ethan eyed her suspiciously and, after a beat, he said, “I have a feeling that, if I press you on that, I will be very disappointed in your habits.”

“Probably,” Charlie conceded, smiling softly as she watched him shake his head in preemptive disappointment. He squeezed her side and then pointed to the garlic.

“Mince,” Ethan commanded, trying to get himself back on track. Charlie made a show of rolling her eyes, but she happily crushed, sliced, and chopped garlic until she had a suitable product to give to Ethan.

Next, he tasked her with blending the tomatoes and let her freely spice the mixture, taking the risk she would lean into her affinity for heat. He sautéed the garlic in olive oil and added the seafood. When she delivered her sauce to add to the pan, she hummed, and Ethan smirked as the tune got stuck in his head. He watched the pasta and the sauce, but he also watched her dice peppers and gently sway to the song she sang.

When she turned around to add the peppers to the mixture, she was startled to find that he was watching her.

“Are you staring at me, Dr. Ramsey?” she asked, standing right beside him as she dropped the peppers into the pan.

“Yes.”

Charlie beamed as he leaned down to kiss her softly, his hand resting comfortably on her hip. With his head ducked, he felt like the perfect height for her to wrap her arms around his neck. Of course, there wasn’t much about him that didn’t feel perfect right now.

Ethan only pulled away when dinner demanded their attention. Nearing the end of the recipe, Charlie wasn’t much needed in the kitchen. So, she got out plates, and under Ethan’s instruction, she poured two glasses of wine. She poured more in her glass, just so she could sit at the island and drink wine as she watched him assemble the final stage of the recipe.

He plated the pasta and, wine in hand, he led her to the balcony so they could enjoy one of the last warm nights of the season.

And they did enjoy it.

Naturally, the pasta was delicious. Ethan had never cooked anything bad, as far as Charlie was concerned, and he was confident that her assistance made it that much better. Of course, he may have just been distracted by the view. While Charlie looked out over the Boston cityscape, he was more than satisfied to admire her alone. They talked about work for a while, but quickly, the conversation diverged to something more intimate and playful. Despite having met a year before, they were still getting to know each other, and effortlessly, they dipped into past relationships and all of the humorous stories associated with them.

Charlie's list of previous partners was short, with only a few meaningful names. She had been too focused on her career to develop a serious relationship, save for one or two, but she had plenty of funny anecdotes. Ethan’s list was longer but with far fewer meaningful names. He didn’t broach the most meaningful ones because their stories were too sad and too much time had passed for the discussion to feel necessary. He did, however, tell a very embarrassing story from his middle school dance that made Charlie lose her breath laughing.

Maybe it was the honesty of the moment, or maybe Charlie was just inspired to hear how jealous little Ethan had been of that popular boy and his 7th grade date. Whatever it was, Charlie said something she didn’t intend to say.

“You know, today, I overheard someone talking about their crush on you,” Charlie announced. She said it so casually that Ethan missed the underlying jealousy and self-doubt, so he chuckled.

“When?”

“At work,” Charlie didn’t betray Ava by saying it was her. Even if Ava wanted her boyfriend, Charlie didn’t feel justified in exposing her to her boss.

Ethan laughed and shrugged it off, taking a sip of wine like the whole thing was just another funny story.

It could have been. She could have left it there.

But squirming in her patio chair, she added, “I… I might have been a little jealous.”

Ethan’s face fell just a bit, like he was unexpectedly sobering up and becoming present in the moment. And, as he studied Charlie, he was suddenly aware of how meaningful this might be.

“You were?” He was shocked. Had she not seemed so serious, he surely would have thought this a joke. He had been jealous, of course, but that was before. Now, could she doubt him?

“I mean, she was very pretty,” Charlie was eager to justify her jealousy with all but the truth.

Ethan’s expression didn’t soften. If anything, it was increasingly somber and concerned. The sight made Charlie squirm even more. She’d said something real, and she couldn’t hide from it now.

“Do you doubt me, Charlie?”

 _Hurt_.

Ethan’s hurt.

She didn’t mean for that to happen.

“ _No_ ,” Charlie answered quickly – maybe too quickly because, when faced with saying anything else, nothing came to mind.

Ethan waited, but he didn’t feel less injured.

He thought, once they risked everything and promised to make this work, that everything could stay perfect. Yet Charlie was jealous. And he didn’t really understand why. He couldn’t imagine being anywhere else but here, with _her_.

“I’m a little...” Charlie stumbled to untangle days’ worth of messy, uncomfortable thoughts, so she stammered, “I love this. I really do. I am so, so happy that we’re here, but… I’m still a little insecure in all of it. I know we’re together, I do. But nobody else does. Secrecy is tricky, and it’s just…”

Charlie felt like there was an explanation out there, a perfect combination of words that would make sense of everything, but if they existed, she couldn’t find them.

“I’m so happy, and I think I’m afraid of messing it up somehow,” Charlie settled on this answer. It didn’t encompass everything, and something was surely missing. But it had to be enough for now, “And I wish I could just say you’re mine.”

Ethan sat in the wake of her speech, its weight sitting on him thoughtfully.

He wanted to erase all of it. He wanted to free her from insecurities and doubts. He wanted to give them both the happy ending they deserved after their bitter ups and downs.

But there was a bitter truth to swallow. Happy endings were just the beginning of something that could easily turn messy and painful, and they were responsible for maintaining happiness, even if it meant uncomfortable conversations.

“Charlie, I’m yours, secret or not,” Ethan, though shocked that he had so say it at all, meant it, and Charlie knew it. He stood, crossing the small distance be next to her. In the dim light, he found her hand and squeezed it, reassuring them both.

“Even when I’m not special?” Charlie laughed at the end of the question, framing it like a joke, but the laugh was hollow. And it was never a joke.

“You’re always special, Charlie,” Ethan kissed between Charlie’s eyebrows, where worry creased her skin.

“You’re not just infatuated with the star intern?”

“There have been many star interns,” Ethan consoled her, “I’ve only run away to the Amazon for one.”

Charlie chuckled, the light coming back into her face as she teased (for real, this time), “I thought you were just dramatic.”

Ethan laughed – for real, as well.

And they were okay. They were.

Ethan picked up the bottle of wine, which they’d nearly drained, “What do you say to another bottle?”

“It depends. What’s your policy on wine in bed?”

Ethan had a mischievous smile as he disappeared into the apartment to retrieve more wine, which they would hopefully share from the comforts of his king-size bed soon. Sitting on the balcony, content and waiting for him, Charlie struck with the realization that this was the happiest she’d ever been in a relationship.

As he walked back to her, she found a star, and focusing all her hope, she asked it to let them stay like this forever. 


	15. An Accidental Dinner Party

It was easy to forget.

Crowded into a small hospital room, there was hardly enough room to stand, yet it was a vague thought, tucked in the farthest corner and out of sight. The group of friends could convince themselves that it was another night, but it wasn’t.

It was easy to forget, but it was even easier to remember.

Every second, they were hyperaware of the night’s significance. It was the night before Kyra’s surgery, and even as they laughed, there was an unavoidable twinge of sadness. Every time Kyra lit up with giggles or joked or overtly flirted with Bryce, everyone stopped and took a mental image of the happy memory, saving them for a day they may need them.

A day that may come too soon.

Because, while this was a lovely night shared among friends, there was a hidden threat that it could be the last.

Maybe that’s why they tried so hard to have fun. It wasn’t particularly easy to cram eight people into Kyra’s room, nor was it much of a secret when Jackie shared her flask with the group at the beginning of the night. The jokes, initially, were uncomfortable and awkward, but they were met with appreciative, roaring laughter. Everyone wanted a nice time.

Particularly Charlie.

She sat on Kyra’s side, in one of the few chairs they could smuggle into the room. She found herself looking at Kyra after every enjoyable moment, hoping for proof that Kyra was okay. Kyra was strong, but Charlie worried she expected too much of herself tonight. She had every right to fall apart, and the fact that she didn’t pushed Charlie closer to breaking down herself. 

It was only 8:30, but the energy was dwindling. Kyra had yawned more than once, and Charlie knew that the night was coming to a close. That didn’t mean she wanted to go though.

Jackie was the first to say that she needed to leave, and for a split second, Charlie couldn’t help but hate her.

Elijah sheepishly followed afterwards.

Kyra, looking more exhausted by the minute, accepted their goodbyes, though she forced Jackie to hug her goodbye. Elijah got off with a fist bump.

“I’m embarrassingly exhausted from these drugs anyway,” Kyra joked, which made Bryce roll his eyes.

“You’re barely on any,” Bryce insisted, leaning on the end of her bed, “You’re really just tired because we played basketball at lunch.”

“ _Lies,”_ Kyra condemned, laughing just enough to ruin her attempt at a serious expression.

Bryce rolled his eyes, but he took his place at her bedside, giving her a tight hug, “I’ll see you bright and early tomorrow morning.”

“Are you sure we can’t push it back? I’d rather wake up at noon.”

“Absolutely not,” Bryce confirmed, squeezing her shoulder, “If you want the hottest surgeon, you have to go for the early slot.”

“I’ll only accept that if you admit I’m the hottest patient,” Kyra teased.

“Obviously,” Bryce scoffed, offended she even had to ask

Kyra smiled – so bright, innocent, and happy. Charlie’s chest tightened.

“Now, go home. I refuse to have a tired surgeon tomorrow morning,” Kyra commanded, and Bryce held his hands up in surrender to the order.

As he walked away, he squeezed Charlie’s shoulder, giving her a sympathetic and comforting smile.

He knew that she was suffering because he was, too.

Keiki, who had taken the train from Bryce’s apartment just to wish Kyra luck, took Bryce’s space. Kyra whispered something in Keiki’s ear, which made her roar with laughter, and they shared a hug. It was the only time Charlie had seen Keiki display affection to anyone but Bryce, and it was startling. She even begrudgingly admitted that Kyra was the coolest person in Boston, which Kyra credited to her shaved head.

Sienna and Raf were the last to say their farewells. Raf wished Kyra luck, and they made wistful plans to meet up in Brazil for an epic adventure next summer. Kyra hit on him for old time’s sake, and Raf kissed her forehead. Sienna, the only one who could truly face her grief, cried when she said goodnight. Then, she promised to make cookies and bring them to Kyra as soon as she was out of surgery.

And then it was just Charlie and Kyra.

It was hard to think of the perfect goodbye that night. As much as she tried, Charlie couldn’t sum up their relationship in a poignant yet cheery farewell. She couldn’t pretend she wasn’t afraid, but she also wasn’t ready to face that fear yet.

Charlie stared at her friend, hesitating and holding back tears.

“What? You afraid of me now?” Kyra teased, nudging Charlie and feeling victorious when she made her laugh.

“No, I just…” Charlie trailed off, her smile growing weak as she took Kyra’s hands. Clutching them tight, she said, “I’m proud of you, and I’m so happy that I met you. You’re the best friend I never saw coming.”

Kyra wanted to be strong. If this was her last night, she wanted to be a badass.

And though she survived the rounds of goodbyes, she couldn’t survive Charlie’s without a spare tear. She sniffled and failed to hold back her emotion, but just from one look, she could see everything she felt mirrored in Charlie’s expression.

Maybe that’s why Charlie was her best friend. And maybe that’s why Kyra couldn’t do this tonight.

“Stop it!” Kyra tried to sound cheery, squeezing Charlie’s hands back, and she joked, “I can’t possibly die because I still haven’t figured out all your secrets. Until I have those, you’re stuck with me.”

Charlie’s laughter was real, but she was crying as she offered, “I promise to tell you all of them.”

“No,” Kyra stopped her, “You can tell me tomorrow night – when I’m still alive.”

Charlie swallowed Kyra in a hug, and Kyra, though much weaker, matched the intensity.

“I love you, Kyra.”

“I love you, too,” Kyra echoed, burying her face in Charlie’s hair.

It was so hard to pull away that, for a long time, neither of them did.

Eventually, when they parted, Charlie asked, “Do you want me to stay tonight? We can watch crappy romcoms, and I can find the cutest nurses for you to flirt with.”

Kyra cackled at the specifics of Charlie’s offer, particularly the bit about flirting. She considered accepting, but ultimately, she refused. She loved Charlie enough to know that she needed out of this hospital room, and Kyra needed time by herself to find peace. She was the one going into this surgery, and she needed to be ready.

“No, you should go home,” Kyra answered, and wiggling her eyebrows suggestively, she added, “Or _don’t_ go home. Go have a wild night in my name.”

Charlie couldn’t imagine herself doing it. She couldn’t imagine doing anything except worrying for her friend, but Kyra asked. So, she accepted the challenge.

“Okay.”

Charlie started to leave, but she hesitated by the door, which made Kyra laugh softly. With wet eyes, Kyra waved goodbye, and Charlie took a deep sigh before taking the next step. She thought it would make it easier, but it was still incredibly difficult to walk away. By the time she reached the end of the hall, she had considered turning around at least five times, but she didn’t want to let Kyra down. So, she kept walking until she was out of the hall and then out of the floor and then out of the hospital.

Her friends were huddled around the door, walking slow on their way home. When Charlie found them, she was relieved to not have to walk home alone. Really, she was happy to not be alone period. She didn’t want to be by herself, not now and not tonight. She would have taken any offer to do anything, even if it meant hours scrubbing bathroom tiles or sharing excruciating small talk.

“So, what’s everyone doing tonight?” Charlie asked, hoping for an escape through one of her friends.

“Keiki and I are ordering pizza and getting an early night,” Bryce announced, which made Keiki roll her eyes, but she didn’t object. In fact, Charlie could see her create a pizza order on her phone as they walked.

“I’m heading home, too. I still have a lot of packing to do,” Raf added.

Raf shrugged apologetically in Charlie’s direction, but she wasn’t surprised. Even if Raf had been free, she wasn’t sure he wanted her around anyway.

“I’m babysitting tonight, so if we could just pick up the pace a bit, that would be great,” Jackie grumbled, texting furiously. She was already at the head of the group, but if it was possible, she started to walk even faster.

“I’m going back to the hospital. I have a few cases I need to check on tonight,” Aurora frowned, giving Charlie an remorseful look.

“Oh, that’s okay,” Charlie shrugged, and looking to her last hope, she asked, “Sienna, Elijah, what are you doing?”

“I’m ordering takeout and doing some research tonight. I’ll be swamped tomorrow, so I want to get a jump on the day,” Elijah answered.

“You’re getting takeout? Where from? I’ll jump on that,” Sienna decided, and Elijah handed her his phone to show her the takeout menu. After scrolling for a minute, she realized that she hadn’t answered Charlie’s question, “Oh, I’m heading home, too. I hardly slept last night, so as soon as I finish dinner, I’ll probably go to bed.”

_Oh._

Charlie nodded understandingly with a hollow smile. Her disappointment manifested in an emptiness in her core, and again, a wave of sadness threatened to swallow her. She needed someone to distract her, someone comforting and understanding. But her friends couldn’t fill the void.

Maybe she was supposed to fill it herself.

As they kept walking to the train station, Charlie fell out of the conversation. At every block, she looked for a new escape, a new place to hide from the truth.

When they reached the station, everyone fished out their subway card except for Charlie.

Instead, she told them that she planned on staying out for a few more hours and would see them later.

Of course, they doubted her plan. They weren’t sure that she should be out or left alone, and they felt a bit guilty for not having room to pull her along with them. She assured them that she was fine and gave her most convincing smile. They had to take her word for it, and though they felt bad leaving her behind, they left.

Charlie walked on for a few more blocks in the direction of Donahue’s. The bar was never empty, and surely, she could find a pack of doctors or residents to join. It didn’t matter who they were as long as she wouldn’t be alone.

Though, as she thought about it, it sounded lonely…

Something along the way reminded her of him, and she knew there was one person she wanted to be with tonight. Before she could change her mind, she hailed a cab and gave Ethan’s address.

She arrived at Ethan’s apartment at the same time as a delivery man, so she followed him inside without having to buzz in. She was a familiar face in the building by now, so even the nosiest neighbor didn’t give her a second glance. She took the elevator to this floor, and as if by muscle memory, she walked to his front door.

She knocked twice, and almost immediately, she heard his voice on the other side, saying he was coming. And his voice – his lovely, relaxed voice – eased the tension in her chest. Her Ethan… He was exactly what she needed, and she held her breath for the fifteen seconds it took him to get to his front door.

And when Ethan opened the door…

He was… _not happy_?

He was surprised.

His eyes were wide, so wide they seemed horrified. He didn’t move towards her and envelop her in a hug like she hoped, nor did he kiss her hello like he usually did outside of work. He just stared.

It wasn’t the reaction she expected.

“What are you doing here?” Ethan asked, stepping out into the hall. He pulled the door with him, nearly closing it behind him. She couldn’t see in the apartment now, and if someone else was inside, they couldn’t see her either. Ethan’s voice seemed panicked as he added, “You said you were busy tonight.”

Charlie didn’t know how to react. It was so strange – so out of character – that she was immediately apprehensive.

“My night ended early,” Charlie explained, eyes on the door behind him like it might have a clue, and he pulled the door a little closer to him.

_What is he doing?_

Her suspicions were confirmed when she heard movement on the other side of Ethan’s door. Someone was in there. Someone Ethan didn’t want Charlie to see.

Charlie’s gaze turned steely and accusatory as she glared in Ethan’s direction. Who was there? Why was this a secret? Why was Ethan so panicked?

Was he seeing someone else?

Would he do that to her? How could he?

That asshole.

When Ethan heard the person inside, he warned her, “You should leave.”

Charlie was seething. Who the hell did he think he was telling her to leave? Was she the inferior fling? He didn’t get to tell her to go. She deserved to know what the fuck was going on.

“ _Excuse me_?” Charlie demanded, arms crossed. She could feel her heartbeat taking over her body. Everything was painted _red_ and _angry_ and _enraged_. She felt like she could have torn this apartment building down brick by brick.

Ethan saw the change, but he didn’t have time to set out the fire.

“Ethan, who’s there?”

Charlie’s eyes widened in understanding, but it was too late.

All of the anger settled into shock and panic.

“Your dad is here?” Charlie whispered, practically a hiss.

“You said you were busy tonight!” Ethan whispered back.

“We’ve been standing here this whole time, and you couldn’t just say that?” she quietly accused.

“What did you think was going on?”

“You’re hiding your door. What do you think I thought?!” Charlie looked at him like he was stupid, and as it dawned at him, he realized he was.

“You thought I was with someone else?” Ethan knew they were running out of time. They needed to figure out what to do and what to say if they were caught, but he was so shocked that she could think that of him that he couldn’t ask anything else.

“Wait, why are _you_ angry?” it was getting harder to maintain the whisper as she reminded him, “You’re the one blocking the door and evading questions. You look like the poster child for being caught cheating.”

“Charlotte!” Ethan was prepared to continue this fight until he felt vindicated, but they were out of time.

“Ethan?” his dad’s voice was getting nearer, and they could hear his steps coming towards the front door.

_Shit._

Charlie looked around the hallway frantically, looking for somewhere to quickly hide. But she couldn’t decide fast enough. She couldn’t even take a step towards the elevator before Alan was at the door, opening it to the sight of two shocked, guilty-looking adults staring back at him.

Alan chuckled good humoredly but was obviously confused.

Ethan and Charlie said nothing, not because they didn’t want to but because they couldn’t think of anything to say.

After a moment, Alan recognized Charlie, and he smiled warmly, “Charlotte, right? From the hospital?”

“Yes, that’s me,” Charlie smiled politely, but beneath it, she couldn’t formulate a coherent thought for panic, “It’s nice to see you again, Mr. Ramsey.”

“Oh, call me Alan,” he insisted, “What brings you here tonight?”

An excuse.

She should have been thinking of an excuse this whole time.

Charlie hesitated, and Ethan watched with pity as she tried to formulate a believable excuse. She picked the first one she conjured just because she’d already taken too long.

“I’m here for work.”

Fuck. That’s a terrible excuse.

“We have a really tricky patient, and because I have a free night, I was hoping to borrow a few books to study tonight. You know, just get a jump on the morning,” Charlie elaborated. She hoped it would save her excuse, but it was still weak.

Ethan gave her a pointed look, but she didn’t look back. If he wanted to judge her response, he should have said something.

“I didn’t realize you were busy, though, so I can just pick those study materials up tomorrow morning at work. Sorry to disturb you two,” Charlie excused herself, and she started walking away.

“Oh, but Charlie, you’re already here! Why don’t you stay for dinner?”

Charlie’s blood ran cold.

“I couldn’t impose-“

“Nonsense, it wouldn’t be an imposition. We’ve got more than enough food, and you’d be giving two boring men some company,’ Alan insisted.

“But I know you live so far away and don’t get to spend much time with each other,” Charlie tried, but Alan just shook his head.

“Ethan, you can’t possibly let her leave. Invite her in.”

Ethan really didn’t want to.

This was their last chance to think of an excuse, but nothing was strong enough. So, reluctantly, Ethan offered, “Charlie, would you like to join us for dinner?”

She couldn’t exactly say no, so resigning to her fate, she accepted.

Alan ushered Charlie inside, and she followed awkwardly. Jenner, who had been casually lounging on the couch through all the awkwardness, jumped up when he saw Charlie enter. He sprinted to her, and she instinctively scratched behind his ears to greet him.

“Jenner seems to really like you,” Alan commented, and Charlie realized the implication.

How would Jenner know her well if they were platonic?

Normal coworkers didn’t spend the night in the other’s apartment and play with their dog.

Jenner’s friendliness betrayed her familiarity with the apartment and therefore Ethan.

“Charlie has watched Jenner a few times,” Ethan explained, “When the dog walker is busy.”

Charlie nodded to confirm the story, relieved Ethan saved her from explaining it away.

Ethan hesitated to leave Charlie and his father alone, but he was needed in the kitchen. As he put the finishing touches on the salad and garlic butter chicken, he watched the two from the corner of his eye, waiting to jump in and save Charlie if necessary.

Charlie hoped that Alan wouldn’t be talkative because she didn’t trust herself to not inadvertently reveal their relationship, but of course, Alan was friendly and curious.

“So, what have you been doing tonight, Charlie?”

“I was with a few friends,” Charlie answered, fiddling with he necklace, “My friend, Kyra, has a big surgery tomorrow, so we wanted to support her. I stayed until she kicked me out.”

Alan’s gaze was soft and full of sympathy as he said, “I’m sorry for you and your friend. You must have been looking for someone to comfort you.”

Charlie was startled by Alan’s insight.

That was _exactly_ what she was doing.

And the implication that she came to Ethan for that reason was clear. She wondered if he knew. Had he not bought their excuse? Or had he figured it out some time before?

“I’m just trying to keep busy,” Charlie brushed him off, looking in Ethan’s direction for him to rescue her.

Luckily, Charlie’s panic coincided with the timer on the chicken, and Alan was sufficiently distracted helping Ethan finish dinner. Charlie helped set the table under Ethan’s direction and was relieved for the silence during the process. The three of them settled at Ethan’s dining table with Ethan at the head of the table and Charlie and Alan facing each other.

Of course, the food was delicious, and that consumed much of the initial chatter.

Then Ethan deftly steered the conversation back to his hometown of Providence and how everyone was doing. Alan shared a humorous story about their neighbor’s scandalous affair with the mail man, and though most of the details went over Charlie’s head, she laughed with them.

Alan looked happy that Charlie was amused, and once the story was over, he asked, “Do you go home much, Charlie?”

“Not much,” Charlie shook her head.

“Bad memories?”

“Not particularly,” she shrugged, “It’s a long trip, so it’s mainly just holidays.”

“Must get lonely.”

“I’ve built a little family here, so as long as my friends will have me, I’m happy,” Charlie explained, and to her surprise, this made Alan happy.

“You should hold on to that. You’re very lucky,” Alan encouraged her, “I wish I’d held on closer to the family I made when I was young.” He paused, and after some deliberation, he asked, “So, who’s in this family? Boyfriend? Roommates? In my twenties, I practically considered my butcher a brother.”

Charlie didn’t miss the question about her relationship status, nor did Ethan. She wondered if Alan expected her to include Ethan in her list. She decided not to, though he certainly deserved a spot.

“Just some roommates and a few friends. Plus, a chinchilla.”

“You have a chinchilla?” Ethan asked incredulously.

“Sienna takes care of her, but yes,” Charlie confirmed. Ethan continued to stare at her, trying to decide if he disapproved or was surprised that she had never mentioned it before. Of course, it might be both.

“How long have you had it?”

“Maybe a year.”

Ethan’s eyes widened in horror, as if having a chinchilla was made worse by having it for a long time.

Alan watched them and smiled.

Dinner was easier after that. Alan told an embarrassing story about Ethan and his favorite stuffed bear, and Charlie enjoyed every second. He asked Charlie questions about her life – where she was from, why she was in Boston, and of course, how much of an asshole Ethan was at work. She answered truthfully but danced around any attachment.

If someone had looked in, it would have seemed like a happy, wonderful night where a young couple met the parents. And honestly, it kind of felt like that, even if it was a secret.

They talked for a long time. It must have been at least an hour before Ethan got up to do the dishes, and Alan and Charlie stayed at the table, drinking wine and laughing about Ethan being called to the principal’s office for telling a teacher he didn’t know what he was talking about. Ethan excused himself from the embarrassment by taking Jenner for his nightly walk, leaving Charlie and Alan alone.

“You know, you two did a good job,” Alan commended Charlie.

Still laughing from the last story, she asked, “What do you mean?”

“If I didn’t know my son so well, I might have believed you two weren’t together.”

Charlie stilled, playing his words over and over again in her mind. She must have misheard.

“Except for the times where you look at him like he’s the only thing you ever want to look at, which you do occasionally, but I had already figured it out by then.”

Charlie’s jaw dropped, and she felt silent.

 _Shit_.

“It’s alright, Charlotte. You don’t need to keep the secret.”

Charlie was startled but relieved. The burden lifted, she let out a sigh and shrugged, “How did you know?”

“It was pretty clear when I heard that he looked like the poster child for cheating,” Alan chuckled as he recalled the whispered conversation he overheard. She grimaced but laughed with him, amused at their own mistake.

So many awkward conversations could have been avoided if they were discovered that quickly.

“I’ve always liked you. From the first time Ethan mentioned you. He never admitted to liking you, but he spoke too highly and too often of you for you to be purely professional.”

Charlie didn’t want to look excited by this information, but she was. She didn’t know he talked about her.

“I think you’re good for him, and though I don’t know you well, he seems good for you,” Alan was happy for his son, and Charlie appreciated his approval.

Had he known all of the hurt they’d inflicted on each other in the past year, he may not have been as supportive. But Charlie liked to think that they had a second chance, that all of those mistakes didn’t ruin them. And if Alan encouraged their relationship, maybe she was right.

“Just…” Alan hesitated, still weighing whether or not his interference was warranted, “Don’t let him stay like this. I know my son, and I’ve seen him ruin good things out of fear. When he’s scared of change or commitment, he remains stagnant. Or worse, he leaves. He doesn’t want to endanger himself or his heart, and I can’t blame him. But… I don’t want him to ruin this. You seem like too good of a thing to lose that way. You both deserve to be happy.”

Charlie didn’t know what to say or how to react. There was an unmistakable heaviness that followed his speech, like a looming thundercloud on their happily ever after.

And it was scary – because she knew he could be right.

She knew Ethan, and she had seen him pull away and keep his distance. He had broken all of his rules to ask her out, but did that override all his patterns?

She didn’t want to be afraid. She wanted to trust Ethan just like she did the night she ran through the rain to give him a chance, but just like that night, she had lingering anxieties.

Maybe this was a premonition. Maybe it amounted to nothing.

The silence dragged on until the front door opened and Ethan returned. Jenner came bounding to Charlie, who was relieved for the distraction. Alan offered Charlie a last, encouraging smile before announcing that he was going to bed.

Ethan, suspicious of his sudden departure, encouraged him to stay and share a glass of whiskey, but Alan insisted.

“Goodnight, you two,” he waved them goodbye, with a glimmer in his eye that only Charlie recognized, “Charlie, thank you for staying for dinner. It was great getting to know you.”

“You, too, Alan,” Charlie returned the compliment, much to his delight.

He bid his son farewell and retreated to the guest room.

Once the door closed behind him, Ethan shot her a questioning look, “Did something happen?”

“Before or after he told me he’d figured out we were together?” Charlie poured herself another glass of wine, and Ethan fell into the chair beside her.

“You’re kidding?”

She shook her head and poured a little more wine in his glass, which he accepted readily, “He _did_ say we’re cute together though.”

“Well, at least we’re ‘cute together,’” Ethan mumbled, taking a long sip of his wine. Charlie stretched her legs across his lap, and he rested his hand on her calf without thinking about her sudden movement closer to him, “Do you think other people know?”

“My intern also knows.”

“You told her?”

“No,” Charlie denied insistently, “She said that she noticed we suddenly get along and that you’re nicer to me than all the other residents.”

“That has nothing to do with us being together.”

“She also caught me staring at you,” Charlie admitted quietly.

“You were staring at me?” Ethan raised his eyebrows with intrigue, and Charlie rolled his eyes.

“An intern was flirting with you. I was just keeping an eye on it,” Charlie contended, but he squeezed her leg anyway.

After a moment, he noted, “It’s been a month, you know.”

 _A month_.

That felt like an accomplishment. Their first relationship didn’t even last a weekend, yet they’d made this work for a whole month. Charlie was embarrassed by how happy that made her.

“You kept count?”

“Hard to forget someone dripping wet and buzzing your door like a fiend at midnight,” Ethan played it off, but he was smiling.

“Are you glad you invited me up?”

“A little less glad now that I know you have a chinchilla at home,” he grumbled, stroking her calf comfortingly, and after a beat, he clarified, “But yes. I am glad.”

Charlie beamed, and right then, she forgot Alan’s warning.

Because she couldn’t imagine this wonderful man ever hurting her.

“Since my dad already knows, do you want to stay the night?” Ethan offered, hoping she would say yes.

He always wanted her to stay. Sleeping without her felt restless and disappointing. He liked hearing her breathe and just knowing she was beside him. He also enjoyed that sleepy smile she gave him when he woke up for his run and she begged him to come back to bed, which he usually did.

“I don’t know. I had your dad tell me he figured out I was dating his son. I don’t know if I can handle him hearing me moan tonight,” she shook off the awful thought, and Ethan, though also disgusted by the idea, laughed.

“I think I can handle one night not making you moan, Charlie.”

She raised a questioning eyebrow.

“And if not, the shower should bury any sound.”

Charlie poked his side with her foot at his lewd suggestion, and despite their many shared nights, she blushed.

“I’m glad you came here tonight, especially because of Kyra. I know how close you are, and if you need me, I’m here,” Ethan offered sympathetically.

“Thank you, Ethan,” Charlie smiled softly.

“Though,” Ethan began, “I wish you called…”

“How was I supposed to know you were having dinner with your dad?”

“You didn’t have to accuse me of _cheating_ ,” Ethan sorely countered.

“Are you still on this?” Charlie complained, trying not to laugh.

“You thought I was hiding someone in my apartment!” Ethan hadn’t given up on the argument.

“You _were_!” Charlie reminded him.

He shook his head, and deciding to let him win this, Charlie said, “I apologize for accusing you of cheating – “

“ _Thank you.”_

“And I will try not to jump to conclusions again.”

Ethan was satisfied by her apology, and when he leaned in to kiss her, Charlie saw that four letter word flash in her mind.

The one she hadn’t really thought of since the night she left him.

 _Love_.


	16. Contamination

That morning, the sun was bright. The world was good, and Charlie was happy.

Ethan woke her with a kiss and an offer of coffee, but she refused and bought a steaming cup from the coffee shop a block from the hospital. Before her shift began, she cozied up in Kyra’s hospital room, and together, they laughed like they didn’t fear it would be the last time.

“So, what did you get up to last night?” Kyra asked, eyeing Charlie’s latte with envy, “And if you tell me you watched Netflix from your bed, you need a better life.”

“I actually didn’t go home last night,” Charlie admitted cheekily, and to her delight, Kyra reacted with scandalized enthusiasm.

“You’re kidding?” Kyra leaned closer, eager for every little detail, “You have to tell me everything.”

Charlie would have – even who it was with – but she didn’t get the opportunity. Her gossip stood no chance against Bryce’s authority.

“It’s time,” he announced, knocking on the door belatedly with a solemn stare. He was smiling, but it was more resolved than happy. He was ready for surgery, not goodbye.

Charlie promised herself not to cry, so she hid her flash of concern in the act of straightening her white coat. Her eyes were sad as she took Kyra in, but she refused to say a word. Kyra was ready, and Charlie didn’t feel right adding any crack in her armor. She loved her friend enough to take a deep breath, smile, and hug her good luck.

“Give me all the sordid details tonight,” Kyra demanded.

“Every single one,” Charlie affirmed, “Even the parts you don’t want to know.”

This made Kyra laugh, and that was enough for Charlie to feel compelled to keep her promise.

As Charlie walked out of the hospital room, she came to Bryce’s side, and in all seriousness, she said, “Take care of her, Lahela.”

“If I mess up, the only person that will hate me more than you would be me,” Bryce gave a single, concerned glance in Kyra’s direction. It was the only one he allowed himself for the day, and once it was over, he assumed his bravado by adding, “Besides, look at me. I don’t even know how to make a mistake.”

Charlie rolled her eyes, but she felt safer with Kyra in his care. She wished them both a bit of final good luck and a goodbye, and then she walked out.

And as she walked away, despite everything, she felt light – like everything would be okay, like this story had a happy ending.

It was the last time she would feel that way for a long time.

Charlie started her shift with rounds and scheduled her patients so that she could squeeze in time to check on Kyra’s surgery from the observation room. She wasn’t even thinking of Senator Farrugia when Danny approached her.

There wasn’t much to think about. After Charlie discovered his lead poisoning, her most difficult patient was finally off the agenda. Instead of bothering the diagnostics team with questions or observations, he stayed in his hospital room, making calls, taking interviews, and answering emails. He was so busy trying to monopolize the publicity that his difficulty manifested in his refusal to follow his treatment plan if it didn’t suit his schedule for the day. Listening to him work made Charlie’s stomach churn. Every day he stayed in Edenbrook was another day that he exposed a new, corrupt facet to his personality. More than once, Charlie and Ethan stood outside his door, wondering if stealing him from Mass Kenmore was worth it.

“Charlie?” Danny approached her, a test result in his hand, “I have the results from Senator Farrugia’s paint samples. You marked them as urgent.”

Charlie briefly abandoned her charts to accept the results, but when she read them, her face twisted with confusion.

“Are you sure these are the right results?” Charlie asked distractedly, reading the paper over and over again as if it would change the contents.

“I double-checked,” Danny affirmed, wearing a matching look of bewilderment, “They’re right… I don’t know how, but those paint samples tested negative.”

That wasn’t the answer Charlie wanted, but she trusted Danny too much to doubt him.

If it wasn’t the paint, what could be poisoning Senator Farrugia?

Charlie thanked Danny. With a heavy sigh, she collected her charts and walked to the diagnostic’s office for further research.

So much for her break…

Charlie didn’t know where to start, so when she logged on to the computer, she ran a general search for the senator. She flagged anything about trips or notable habits, looking for any clue of contamination. Most of this information had already been studied during their preliminary search, but at that time, they weren’t looking for lead. Even under the new lens, she was able to throw out most of the news stories.

The further she went, the less clear it became.

Senator Farrugia lived in a new, high-end condo in D.C. The area had no reported lead problem, and the building was too new for lead paint or lead pipes. She had already called up all of his regular haunts in the capital, and none had any helpful information. His life in Massachusetts was limited to his office, his home, and the farmer’s market he frequented for publicity. None were insightful.

She searched the internet until Farrugia’s name had the title Mayor preceding it.

Charlie stumbled on a story from a decade earlier, when 3 died from lead pipes poisoning the water supply. She made a note to test his pipes in his home, and she clicked on the article for more information.

That was when she saw the photo of 13-year-old Jonathan Perry. The young boy was smiling for his school picture, all braces and excitement. He was the youngest victim of the lead poisoning, and there was something eerily similar about his pale skin and thin features. And the name…

_Perry._

Like Travis.

On a hunch, Charlie googled Jonathan Perry. There wasn’t much to find – his old social media page, which was full of messages of condolences after his death, a news story about his middle school soccer team’s victory at state, and an obituary. She clicked on the sparse obituary. In lieu of flowers, the family requested donations for the local children’s hospital. They also used the same school photo as the newspaper article used.

Charlie skimmed the article, making an effort to remain doubtful.

But she knew.

She knew before she even read the last sentence.

_“Jonathan Perry is survived by his parents – Deborah and Samuel Perry – and an older brother, Travis.”_

Charlie’s blood ran cold, and she read the sentence again.

The second the thought – the horrible, terrible suspicion – crept in, Charlie jumped up and rushed to the senator’s room.

Charlie spent years reliving these moments. All in all, it was ten minutes at most, but they were replayed so many times that each second was accounted for. Charlie found every “what if” until they each tortured her.

What if she hadn’t rushed in? What if she had waited? What if she called Ethan and asked him what to do?

What if she just let Senator Farrugia die?

Would her friends still be alive?

Would she still be haunted?

But on that day, at that moment, she had none of those thoughts.

She just needed to get to Travis before something terrible happened.

Outside of Senator Farrugia’s hospital room, she found Bobby Gunderson, the security guard, talking with Raf about his upcoming move to Brazil. They were happy. They wouldn’t be once she spoke to them.

“Have you seen the senator’s assistant? Travis?” Charlie interrupted their conversation frantically. She looked between them both for a reply, though Bobby was really the only one who knew Travis. He had been assigned to Senator Farrugia off and on for the last week, and his dislike for the senator was matched by his disinterest in Travis. He never laughed at Bobby’s jokes, and Bobby took that as a sign of flawed character.

Bobby, understandably, was the one to answer Charlie. He looked startled by her, and she began to wonder if her anxiety was visible.

How could it not be?

She was on her way to confront an attempted murderer. She wasn’t prepared for this. She was terrified of being too late but also facing him at all.

“He’s inside with the senator,” Bobby replied, hoping that he would get an explanation in return. She didn’t immediately offer one.

“The weasel-looking guy? He was acting weird,” Raf chimed in, equally concerned by Charlie’s strange demeanor. He knew her well enough to know that he had never seen her like this.

_He’s inside._

Charlie’s heart rate accelerated. The blissful morning turned sour, and every passing second felt more serious, the consequences direr. The stakes were higher now. Charlie felt young and inexperienced as she tried to do all the right things.

Nothing prepared her for this. She suspected a man of poisoning her patient. This was a man she had known for weeks, one that she had commiserated with over long nights working on Farrugia’s case. He seemed friendly and helpful. Now, he was dangerous. And he was on the other side of the door, potentially close to another murder attempt.

The moment she heard that Travis was inside, she started walking to the door. Panic clouded her vision until all she saw was Travis and the senator and that door. Turning to Bobby, she said, “Bobby, we need to call the police for a suspected poisoning and attempted murder of a public official.”

Bobby’s face dropped, and wordlessly, he joined her as they barreled for Senator Farrugia’s door. He radioed the call in immediately.

As Charlie twisted the handle, she didn’t notice Raf walk in with them. For a long time, she wondered if she would have stopped him if she would have noticed, but she likely wouldn’t have. And even if she had told him to stay away, he wouldn’t have listened.

The hospital room was calm and quiet, save for Ed Farrugia’s typing on his keyboard. Danny was at the end of the bed, perusing Ed’s chart and making notes in the top corner. Travis was closer to the senator, standing right next to Ed’s bed as he fished through a backpack Charlie had never seen before.

Once the door opened, Charlie’s anxious energy flooded the room, and all three looked to the group in surprise. Everyone was looking at them, but Travis’s eyes stayed on Charlie.

“Dr. Greene?” Danny asked, confusion evident in his voice.

“What’s going on?” Farrugia echoed, pausing his typing.

Charlie didn’t look to either of them because she never dropped Travis’s stare. She watched realization dawn on him, and his brown eyes filled with understanding. He almost seemed to revel in it, like he wanted to stop hiding. Like a curtain falling to reveal the light, cruelty was exposed, and it made Charlie shiver.

At that moment, she had no doubts about Travis.

She knew he was guilty, and she knew he was dangerous.

“Mr. Perry, we would like to speak to you. If you come with us, we can resolve this quickly,” Bobby’s voice was authoritative now. It was a little intimidating, even. Travis didn’t flinch.

“Dr. Greene, are you sure?” he was still looking at Charlie.

She felt disgusted by his attention. He made the question seem intimate, like they were in on some big secret. Never had her name sounded so vile.

“Officer Gunderson asked you to step away from the senator, Travis,” Charlie was firm and her gaze resolved. Travis’s face hardened.

“Why?” Ed asked incredulously. He didn’t like being kept in the dark, and he certainly didn’t like the tension in the room. He had a virtual interview in fifteen minutes, and he didn’t need the distraction.

Travis knew that he had been discovered, so with unreserved harshness, he turned to his long-time boss and answered, “Probably because I’ve been poisoning you.”

As angry as he looked, Travis seemed relieved with his admission. Ed gasped and instinctively jolted away from his aide as he mumbled a weak, “W… what?”

Bobby moved towards Travis just as Ed decided to get away from him. While the senator scrambled out of his bed and hurried towards the door, Bobby held out his hand, expecting to apprehend the young man as he said, “Alright, come with me…”

Travis didn’t even look at Bobby. All he saw was Farrugia running for the door.

In a wild panic, Travis reached inside of his bag to retrieve a black canister, and he brandished it as a weapon, pointing it to each and every person in the room as he demanded, “STOP!”

Everyone obeyed.

They had never seen a canister like that, but the way Travis held it commanded fear and trepidation. It appeared sinister, even from across the room.

Travis looked at them all but mainly Ed as he screamed, “Stand back! I mean it!”

Farrugia, who had almost escaped before Travis’s threat, took one cautious step in the direction of his aide. He didn’t come too close because he wanted the option to run. With his hands up in a pleading gesture, Farrugia urged Travis, “Travis… think about what you’re doing. Please…”

“Think about what I’m doing?” Travis repeated with disbelief, “What do you think I’ve been doing for all these years? From the moment we met, I’ve only been thinking of _this_.”

Travis waved the canister in Ed’s direction, eyes growing hard as his finger curled around the trigger.

“Travis!” Charlie interrupted, startling him just enough that his grip on the trigger lessened.

She couldn’t hear her thoughts for her heartbeat. She hardly remembered how to speak, let alone what to say. Her eyes kept drifting back to the canister, which was still dangerously aimed in her direction. She felt it watch her, like it was preparing for something horrid.

She felt everyone watch her.

And as Travis granted her his attention, the pressure prickled at her skin.

“This won’t bring your brother back,” Charlie said gently.

“You think I don’t know that?” Travis scoffed, “I will _never_ get my brother back. I’ve lived with that since I was fifteen, and that knowledge destroyed my family. It destroyed my parents, and it destroyed me.”

His finger was back on the trigger, his hand shaking with the concentration needed to keep from pulling it. One slip and they would all find out what made Travis so confident in his weapon.

“Travis, let’s talk about this,” Charlie begged, refusing to look at the canister and instead looking for some sliver of humanity left in her opponent. If she could just find the right words, she could end this.

She could save everyone in this room.

She truly believed she could. Charlie believed in the world. She believed that tragedy and pain had an end. She believed that happy endings could be found if you worked hard enough.

She believed she would walk out of that room traumatized but otherwise unscathed.

She was wrong.

“No,” Travis refused, almost laughing at her, “There’s nothing to talk about. If I leave this room, I’m going to jail, which will be the end of it. And Dr. Greene, you don’t know the details of this story, but I’ll tell you how it ends. Ed Farrugia doesn’t survive.”

Travis surveyed the hospital room. He eyed Farrugia, who was just waiting to be out of his line of sight so he could run. Then, he looked to the four bystanders who had wandered into his plan.

“It’s unfortunate that four others will have to die as well,” Travis mused.

“It doesn’t have to end this way,” Charlie was shaking. Something was breaking inside of her. Maybe it was hope that they could leave this room, or perhaps it was faith in all that was good in the world. She begged for his humanity, but it felt too distant. “Please, you don’t want to hurt us. You don’t even know us. Travis, we have nothing to do with this. And you know you’ll regret it. Please.”

Travis offered a sympathetic shake of the head, “Charlie, _you_ didn’t have to do this. You could have let him die. You know who he is. You know what he _does_. You know that his policies kill people. Don’t you see that you’re complicit? Not just in what I’m doing but in what he does!” Travis frowned in disgust, “You could have stayed quiet!”

“I couldn’t do that,” Charlie managed, fear gripping her so tight that even small words were shaky and uncontrolled.

She had lost control of herself. She had lost him, too.

Travis shrugged, “I hope your conscience is enough for you, then.”

Everyone knew they were in a final hour, that whatever was coming was so close that it breathed down their neck.

That was why Bobby stepped forward.

“Dr. Greene is right,” Bobby asserted, “Come with me before anyone gets hurt.”

And this was what Charlie lived a thousand times over – until she recounted the sound of Bobby’s step on the linoleum towards Travis and the inhale of Rafael to her side as he held his breath. It was never any less painful to experience the moment before it all unraveled. At best, it was numb. Today though, it was blisteringly agonizing.

Bobby reached for Travis, but his grip wasn’t strong enough. Travis pulled free, and without a thought or a word, he pulled the trigger on the canister. An aerosol gas released in a puff in Bobby’s face. There was a horrible, aching strangling sound as Bobby fell to his knees. He coughed violently, choking on the gas and his own breath. He gargled and thrashed in pain until he was on his back.

Charlie moved towards Bobby, but Danny made it there first. Instinctively, he pressed his fingers to Danny’s artery in his neck. An oily sheen covered Bobby and spread to Danny’s hands.

“Charlie, he’s going into cardiac arrest!” Danny yelled, already beginning the chest compressions.

They didn’t have time, and they didn’t have the equipment. Charlie belatedly realized that she was screaming into the hall for equipment, but she never finished the sentence. She was running to Bobby when she came face to face with Travis, who wielded the canister in her direction. She froze, the words dying on her lips.

“At least I’m not the only one with blood on my hands,” Travis sneered, and he began to pull the trigger.

In the split second before the gas was released, Charlie couldn’t move. There wasn’t time to run, not that she really thought to. Her vision was clouded with tears, but she could see the barrel pointed at her. And for it was worth, she accepted her fate.

She didn’t want to die, but she knew she would.

And for her last thought, she wished she had told Ethan that she loved him.

It wasn’t her last thought, though.

“Ahh!” Charlie cried as she was shoved to the side. She fell to the floor in an uncoordinated heap, and she looked up just in time to see Raf tackle Travis to the ground. They landed with a heavy thud, and Raf scrambled for the canister.

What followed was blind panic.

Gas filled the room as they fought for the canister. It spilled out of their grasp, and spinning in the middle of the room, it coated everyone but Charlie with a layer of oil. Charlie coughed as it infiltrated her lungs, burning and stabbing as it went.

Danny frantically tried to resuscitate Bobby as Raf fought to subdue Travis. Charlie, coughing through the mist, caught Farrugia sprint out of the room and heard Travis scream in response. The scream was guttural and garbled, and it was the worst noise she had ever heard.

Clambering to sit up, Charlie looked around the chaos and tried to find the place to help, but she couldn’t. She was startled still, watching as everything fell apart.

“What was that?” Raf demanded, slamming Travis against the wall.

“I don’t know!” Travis pulled free, only to vomit into the trashcan. Raf raged until he was consumed with a cough.

Danny’s efforts to save Bobby grew weak as both Bobby’s situation grew worse and Danny’s strength gave out. Danny pulled his hands away, examining them, and he breathlessly expressed his horror, “My… my hands are covered… I’m-I’m covered.”

Charlie shielded her eyes from the sight, tears streaming down her face as she hid from the terror and distress of her dear friend.

Her gaze landed on the door, and she knew what she had to do. Crawling on the linoleum, Charlie’s back was to the plight, but she felt it every second. It consumed her. It cemented her and demanded everything until she could give nothing. She couldn’t feel it now. She engrossed herself with her mission and shoved her trauma and her pain and her fear and her guilt out of her mind.

Charlie reached the door just as Ethan could be seen in the window. He walked towards the room with the innocence of a man who didn’t yet know that the world was ending.

Charlie wanted to run to him. She wanted him to save her.

But instead, she slammed the door closed.

Ethan’s confusion settled into surprise and concern, and with each step, he felt it mount. By the time he reached the door, he was terrified. He watched Charlie’s face – stained red from tears and eyes bloodshot. She shook, and he saw her ragged breath as she struggled against a burning cough.

And he pulled on the door handle, but she was holding it shut.

His Charlie.

_His Charlie is not okay_.

He pulled on the door harder, demanding to be let inside. He had no reasonable thought, only a visceral instinct to protect her and save her from whatever horrors were inside.

“What is going on?” Ethan pulled even harder, but she focused all of her strength in holding that damn door shut, “Let me in, Charlie!”

“Shut down the wing,” Charlie ignored the pain in his eyes. She ignored the way he stared. She ignored that he loved her, and she pretended she didn’t love him to spare herself.

If she opened the gates now, she didn’t know what would come out, and she didn’t know if she could do what needed to be done.

“Charlotte!” he jiggled the handle desperately, banging his hand on the wooden door like it might give way if he tried hard enough.

“Travis has tried to kill the senator with an unknown gas. We have no idea what it is, but Farrugia escaped,” Charlie felt empty as she tried to stay calm. Calm meant ignoring everything, yet she cried. She hesitated, and she almost cracked. She almost fell into the pit and lost herself in the sorrow as she said, “Bobby went into cardiac arrest after getting a blast of it to his face. Danny and Raf have been sprayed with it, and I breathed it in.”

Ethan stopped jiggling the handle, his hand slack.

He didn’t want to understand.

He wanted to break the fucking door down.

“We can’t risk it getting out of this room,” Charlie hadn’t lessened her grip on the door handle. She wasn’t sure if she could. She was bonded to her station. It was all she could do to maintain control.

It was all she could do to try and save someone.

Because the someone didn’t get to be her, or Bobby, or Danny, or Raf.

But it could be Ethan. It could be anyone on this hall.

She had blood on her hands, but it stained less if she could help someone else.

Ethan’s world slipped through his fingers, but he watched her instead. Everything – nor rather nothing… it was gone.

And he ached. He burned. He suffered.

He couldn’t remember kissing her in bed this morning and slipping her out of his apartment before his dad woke. He couldn’t remember making dinner with her or wandering Boston with Charlie on his arm and Jenner on a leash.

He only saw her now. Crying. Sick. And pushing him away.

“You’re right,” Ethan whispered breathlessly and helplessly.

He was broken, and she couldn’t look.

A sob was building in her chest – a body-wracking, heartbreaking, life-changing sob. She swallowed it and fought the air to keep breathing.

In the room, Danny and Travis were vomiting. Raf comforted Danny and glared at Travis. Bobby, perfectly still, was alone now.

Charlie found an air vent, and in it, she found her next distraction. With her back still turned to Ethan, she pointed to the vent and said, “Raf, I need your help to seal that!”

She opened every cupboard until she found plastic and tape, and Raf found a pair of scissors for her to cut it to size. Raf offered her a boost, and he lifted her up to tape it off. Once he let her down, she came face to face with him, and to her surprise, she wanted to scream at him.

She couldn’t believe how fucking irresponsible he had been! What the fuck did he think he was doing endangering himself like that? Why did he have to save her? Why?

But Danny was wheezing, and Charlie didn’t yell at Raf.

Charlie fell to Danny’s side as he leaned back against the hospital bed. His face was ashen white, and every breath was labored and pained. He tried to speak, but the effort was too hard. He only managed to say, “I… I don’t feel…” He paused, and his head fell back.

“It’s okay, Danny,” she whispered and took his pulse. It was weak and slow.

A lump formed in Charlie’s throat, and she squeezed Danny’s hand as she repeated, “It’s okay, Danny.” He weekly squeezed her back.

Charlie had to look away. When she eyed Bobby, she was on the edge of collapse. She felt everything and nothing, and one felt dangerously close to consuming her. Yet, hesitantly, she crawled in his direction.

Before she even touched him, she knew she wouldn’t find a pulse.

That didn’t mean she wasn’t heartbroken when it wasn’t there.

Raf followed her, and after a diligent attempt to find Bobby’s pulse, he grimaced.

They sat in silence, too many words to say to even begin speaking. The finality and grief were palpable.

They hadn’t saved Bobby, and they never would.

Charlie covered her mouth with her hand, holding her breath until the world might make sense again. It never did, and she exhaled in defeat.

Her limbs felt heavy, like a thousand atrocities now sat on them.

She was convinced that the world would never seem the same.

And she wanted to cry, but she didn’t. She couldn’t yet. Maybe not ever.

“Did you get much on you?” Raf asked finally, his eyes still on Bobby.

“Not much,” Charlie answered. She didn’t ask about Raf because she knew he was covered. He was relieved she didn’t mention it.

Charlie looked back to the window, where Ethan was on the phone. Behind him, she could see patients and employees evacuate, and she tentatively met his gaze. Face twisted with sorrow, Charlie nodded solemnly in Bobby’s direction.

Ethan understood, and it knocked the wind of out him.

Bobby was a good man. A colleague and a friend.

And he had been exposed to the same thing Charlie had.

His rookie. His Charlie. _No._

Ethan pulled the phone away from his ear, and approaching the glass, he announced that the CDC was on their way.

“You’ll be okay, Charlie,” he promised, and trying not to panic, he affirmed, “All three of you. You’ll be alright.”

He said it because it had to be true.

It had to be.

He couldn’t lose Charlie, not like this. She couldn’t leave him when he’d just found her. This kind of thing doesn’t happen. And it _doesn’t happen to her._ It doesn’t!

And it won’t. _And it won’t hurt her!_

Anyone else but her.

He didn’t care if it was the senator. He was sad if it was a colleague. He was pained if it was a friend.

_But it wasn’t her._

He didn’t know how to breathe. He didn’t know how to talk. He knew how to work, and he knew he needed to save her. That had to be enough.

His darling, wonderful Charlie.

He told her that she would be alright because it had to be true.

But Charlie didn’t believe him.


	17. Making Amends

It took thirty minutes for Charlie, Danny, and Raf to be sealed in the hospital room after the contaminant was released. It took another fifteen for them to collect Bobby’s body.

Charlie spent the combined 45 minutes wondering if she could have saved her friend. Once he was gone, she wondered if she would be able to save any of them.

She had never felt this helpless, and the feeling was a shock to her system. It was hostile and unfamiliar, yet it felt so profoundly true – like she had always been this way and had lived a lie until now. Charlie became a doctor to help people. She specialized in diagnostics because she was enamored with the power of a diagnosis. It saved people, and even when it didn’t, it at least gave them the peace of knowing.

Charlie didn’t have a diagnosis. She didn’t have a cure. She didn’t even have the comfort of knowing what was wrong with her.

She just had nausea and the feeling that everything was wrong in the world.

The realization that she couldn’t save everyone shattered her. It was a blow she couldn’t imagine overcoming.

This was the truth now.

Charlie couldn’t save everyone. She was a mere, helpless mortal whose fate was just as undecided as everyone else. Gone were the days of flirting with the divine – of conquering destiny and cheating death. The earth felt cold and secluded now that she was chained to it.

All at once, her sense of self unraveled. She was merely a patchwork of lingering innocence and hopefulness and the newer, darker and terrifying fear that this was the end. Not every mystery could be solved, and maybe she was one of them.

Was this what Ethan felt like when he lost Delores and failed to cure Naveen? Like everything he knew had been a lie and the world had been just waiting to laugh at you and your foolishness?

If so, she understood why he ran. She wished she could, too.

But while Ethan’s enemies were abstract, Charlie sat in the room with the very man who took everything from her. She never spoke to Travis – not when Raf demanded answers and not when he was taken away by federal agents. Even after he was gone, she felt his evil. She felt it in her burning lungs. She felt it in her heart. And she felt it in the cracks of her splintered life.

It was one of the only things she could feel. As best she could, she suppressed it all – the grief, the horror, and the fear. In the absence of her emotions, her desire to maintain control and help her friends ran wild. It grew and grew until it was all she could see. But as time and her symptoms progressed, she was stripped of her power to assist. She wobbled as she stood, and the effort to remain coherent and on her feet left little room for her to decipher medical mysteries. In the end, she was just a patient in a hospital gown with no power to solve or control anything.

And that was the blow that stung the worst.

She was a shell of herself – a shell that couldn’t dare to be anything else. The second she let anything in, she would be useless, and her usefulness was all she had left, even as weak as it became.

Charlie waited by Danny’s side until he was pried from her hands. Letting him go was terrifying, and she held his hand until the very last second. As she watched him wheeze and cling to life, she begged herself to forget the image, just in case it was her last time seeing him. The thought made her sick to her stomach.

Danny was a friend – a friend who deserved better than to suffer in the crossfire. He stood up for her when Landry poisoned her reputation, and he made Sienna so happy… Charlie should have told him what he meant to her. She wasn’t sure if she would ever have the opportunity again.

Ethan watched Danny be transported to the support suite with the eyes of a man who wished he hadn’t seen. He almost didn’t watch at all.

But it was his job to watch. It was his job to study his patient, to note minor movements and absent habits. It was his job to be there, even if he wanted to be on the other side of the door.

From this side of the catastrophe, he toed the line of the dedicated, stoic diagnostician and the terrified lover. Yet he leaned more to the latter every second. Charlie was in the back of his mind every second – her gentle tremble, her broken eyes, and her tearstained cheeks. She came closer all the time until she was too close to think. He had to push her back.

Because… if he didn’t…

He didn’t know if he would ever hold her again.

The pain from that thought was so visceral he could have easily been convinced he had been stabbed.

No, he would have preferred the stabbing.

Ethan raged at the federal agents who took Travis away until he was red in the face, but it was all for naught. They had no information, no tests, no data – _nothing_. They were flying blind into the worst storm he’d ever seen.

Ten years ago, he might have dreamed of a moment like this – a horrible plague that only he could defeat. Back then, he thought he could solve everything. He thought he was a god. He sought glory at the expense of those around him. His ego was a terrible, tricky thing. It craved disaster for the purpose of proving his worth. It prompted thoughts that brought him shame.

Now, he would have done anything to take it all back. He would have left medicine, Edenbrook, and even Boston. He would have disconnected himself from the world. He would have spent the rest of his life walking on shattered glass and broken a dozen bones before he would have ever let Charlie suffer.

Once again, he failed to protect her from catastrophe.

Now, if he didn’t act fast enough, he may never get the chance to protect her again.

The pressure was unbearable.

And it distracted him. It weakened him. It made him stupid and hesitant.

He couldn’t cure her like this. He had to find a way to walk away, to shed the limitations of affection and partiality.

How could he forgive himself if she died because he loved her too much to save her?

Yet, when he looked at Charlie… he didn’t know how to turn it off. Once more, he wanted to break the fucking door down and hold her.

She hadn’t moved since they took Danny away. She was still sitting against the wall, her hand ghosting the spot where Danny once sat beside her. Even from here, he saw her fight her grief.

 _It should have been me,_ she thought. When Bobby collapsed, they both ran to resuscitate him. Danny just got there first.

Charlie felt sick, and she buried her nails in her wrist to keep from throwing up.

“Where’s he going?” Charlie asked, eyes locked on the window where Ethan stared back at her. She hadn’t spoken to him since he returned to the window. She hadn’t known how without collapsing.

“We’ve moved support equipment into an empty room on the floor and sealed it off. One of his fellow nurses will be there to give him round-the-clock care,” Ethan explained, feeling defeated as he added, “It’s imperfect, but we’re hoping it will help him hold on longer…”

Charlie nodded like she understood, but she couldn’t speak. She didn’t want to cry.

Ethan wished he knew where the federal agents went. He would have rather chased them screaming than watch her like this…

“How are you feeling?” he asked trepidatiously. He prayed for mild symptoms and for the calmest, most non-lethal case this contaminant could give.

“I’m holding it together.” It felt like a lie when Charlie said it, but it was one she wanted to believe.

He wished she could have been honest, but he was grateful she wasn’t.

“I’ve paged June and Baz to collect some samples. I’ll be in there soon, Charlie,” Ethan promised.

There was a flash of hope in Charlie’s eyes that broke his heart.

For the third time, he almost broke down the door.

A few minutes later, the diagnostics team entered the room, and Charlie felt a rush of relief when she saw them. There was a glimmer of hope that it could all be resolved, that she would spend the night in her own bed with a promise of waking the next morning. But the relief soon soured when she saw the panic behind the hazmat suits. 

They had nothing distinguishing about the contaminant nor the symptoms. They were asking basic questions – questions Charlie knew were just preliminary and would garner little insight. It was such a large net that they could eliminate nothing, and that was the same as not knowing anything.

They didn’t quite know how to look at her.

Baz rushed to Charlie’s side to comfort her, but he stumbled through how to support her without making too many promises. He was startled and nervous, and he treated her like glass. She loved her friend, but she despised the way it made her feel weak and scared.

It was June’s no-nonsense approach that she appreciated, much to her own surprise. June never looked at her with pity, even if she did offer a few sympathetic smiles. She pulled Baz away from her and started taking samples with the cold efficiency the situation required.

And Ethan…

He didn’t know how to be her doctor and her boyfriend. He didn’t know how to analyze her without becoming overcome with emotion. He didn’t know how to think ruthlessly when he craved emotional intimacy and assurance.

He had to shut one side of himself off, and thus, he didn’t look at her.

The second she saw Ethan walk in the door, all she wanted to do was rush into his arms. She wanted to find security in the steadiness of his heartbeat and the warmth of his skin. But she couldn’t. Even without the team, she wouldn’t feel him through the hazmat suit. And she wasn’t ready to sink into the depths just yet. And if she went with him, that was exactly where she could go.

With the few glances they shared, she knew he wanted the same, and she had to look away to keep from crying.

As they tested the pair, it was increasingly clear that Rafael was advancing than a faster rate than Charlie. She felt like she was watching him fall apart, and she averted her eyes before she saw too much.

If she just didn’t take it in, maybe it wouldn’t overwhelm her. Maybe she could keep it together until the end.

… whatever that was.

Charlie helped the team brainstorm, but it was strange like this. She had never been this close to a case. It felt inappropriate to discuss their struggles so generally and impersonally. It didn’t help that the prognosis was bleak. This was the kind of case that could take them months, and they only had hours.

She was almost relieved when they left, though she wished Ethan didn’t have to go.

She wanted him close. It was a selfish desire, one that had real costs. She wasn’t asking for a slick, shared smile in a hallway. She was asking to borrow against her own time – and the time of Rafael and Danny.

Letting him go was one of the few things she could still do for her friends.

Ethan knew there was a reason she didn’t look at him much. He knew she chose not to urge him closer. He knew the reason, too.

Perhaps he wasn’t as strong as she was.

Before he could leave the room, he stopped by her side. His eyes were so tortured that it hurt her to look at them. He was searching for an excuse to stay, and he found it by busying himself retaking her temperature – which he didn’t need to do as it had been taken only minutes before. It was redundant, and Ethan hated redundancy. He just wasn’t ready to leave her.

When he took her hand, he looked like he was afraid she might shatter. It startled Charlie. No, it scared her.

He whispered, “We’ll fix it, Charlie – _I’ll fix it_.”

His conviction was so strong, so powerful. He meant it. He had to mean it. He couldn’t imagine a world where he didn’t solve this. He couldn’t see a life without Charlie in it. He didn’t want to.

He wanted her there, even when she hated him and couldn’t bear to say his name. Even when she destroyed him. Even when she ran far, far away from him.

He wanted her even when he hated her, too.

This wasn’t an ending he could accept. It wasn’t even one he could fathom.

But increasingly, Charlie could imagine it. She wasn’t sure if she could even call it a life without her because, if he failed, he would be haunted by her memory so intensely that she might as well have stood beside him.

Charlie squeezed his hand so tight that it had to hurt.

She almost whispered that it was okay – that she would still love him if he couldn’t save her. And that she hoped that he would forgive himself, too.

She should have said it.

Even in the moment, she knew she should have.

But she didn’t. Because that was something you say at the end, and she didn’t want this to be the end.

So, she held onto it and hoped to never tell him.

Ethan left, and in his absence, she craved him.

It was a relief when Raf needed her – a sick, perverted kind of relief that made Charlie feel guilty. But she was relieved all the same because she could put her mind to something other than fighting off grief.

Rafael was now drenched in a cold sweat, and Charlie reacted quickly to catch his vomit in a sick bag. It was the third time she had ever seen him throw up, which made them a little better than even. He had held her hair back in several Boston bars, and she felt like she owed him this.

When he was done, Charlie disposed of it and pushed his sweaty hair off his forehead, offering him a wet towel to clean himself up.

“You know, I have a much better memory of throwing up at Jackie’s birthday party,” he joked, trying to make light of a horrible situation. Charlie let him by playing along.

“That’s because _I_ was the one throwing up that night,” she reminded him with a small smile.

“That’s probably why I remember it being better,” he noted. It made her laugh. It was a sad laugh, but he accepted it anyway.

“I don’t know how you have such a good memory of it. It ended with me crying in a pizza parlor at three in the morning while you tried to make me laugh with shitty puns,” Charlie didn’t remember a lot of the night. She had been too drunk to remember their wild, bar-hopping antics, but she did remember crying. She remembered Raf being the one who stayed with her, and she remembered thinking that she wished she loved him.

Jackie’s birthday party was one of the last nights they had as friends. A week later, they kissed outside of Donahue’s. Three weeks later, she realized he was in love with her, and despite her best efforts, she didn’t love him back. Another three weeks later, Sora moved back to Boston, and when Charlie didn’t fight for Rafael, he realized that she had never felt the same way he did.

They hadn’t been friends since.

It was Charlie’s biggest regret. Terrified this could be her last night with Rafael, she apologized.

“I’m sorry, Raf,” Charlie said it all in one big rush, like a sigh escaping her lips. She was afraid that, if she didn’t force it out immediately, she would never say it at all, “For last summer.”

Rafael paused, and with a cocked eyebrow and a look of surprise, he asked, “Oh, so we’re not pretending it didn’t happen?”

Charlie deserved that.

“I only pretended because I didn’t know how to face it – or you.”

He paused again. Resentment bubbled in his chest, and latent anger resurfaced. He and Charlie should have fought months ago. Instead, his anger festered, and she marinated in self-hate.

With a distinct look of hurt, Rafael asked, “Why do you always want to erase it?”

He never wanted to.

Their relationship was short – 6 weeks, all together – but it meant something to him. He had been devastated when it fell apart, and in the weeks following, he kept waiting for Charlie to change her mind. He wanted her to call him up in the middle of the night and beg for forgiveness. He would have run to her. He would have started all over for her.

It took him a month to realize she didn’t want him back, and begrudgingly, he began to heal. He liked Sora. Maybe not loved her, but he felt appreciated and safe with her. He didn’t miss Charlie much anymore.

Had she told him she loved her, he didn’t know how he would react.

He chose not to think about it because he knew she wouldn’t. She hadn’t loved him then, and she didn’t love him now.

Charlie swallowed hard, and squirming uncomfortably, she carefully admitted, “I just want to forget how I used you – how I hurt you. I’ll always regret how I treated you, Raf, but that doesn’t mean I regret being with you. I just wish it could have been different.”

 _Different_.

That was vague.

He was tired of trying to disseminate her every word. He didn’t want to ask himself what she meant. He wanted her to tell him.

“What does that mean, Charlie? What did any of it mean?”

His voice cracked a little, and Charlie looked away with shame.

Telling the truth was difficult, and she didn’t want to do it. She was comfortable in the vague declarations and apologies. She was safe when she kept the truth only for herself. But she vowed to be honest.

“I was crying the night of Jackie’s party because I missed someone. I was _always_ crying because I missed them. I was never really there because I just wanted to be with them, and I should have told you. But I wanted to be happy. I wanted to be happy _with you_ so much that I thought I could just… forget, you know?” Charlie looked to Raf as if for reassurance.

She wanted instant forgiveness, but he couldn’t offer that.

He didn’t like hearing it, not really. It was one thing to think you had been used as a pawn. It was another to hear it confirmed. But he was relieved to finally know the truth.

Her answer wasn’t enough for her, though. She had been careful. She toed the line of authenticity and honesty. She still protected part of the story, and he deserved more.

“A month before we started seeing each other, Ethan Ramsey dumped me.”

Raf did a double-take.

His eyes were so wide, his expression so shocked.

He wondered how she’d never told him before. Then, he wondered how he realized it anyways.

“We weren’t together long – maybe a few days,” Charlie explained unprompted, “He broke up with me the night of the ethics trial and then moved to the Amazon to get away from me.”

Telling the story hurt. It opened old wounds, but she bore it to save Rafael from the wounds she gave him.

“Before that, I liked you _so much_ , Rafael. From the day we first met, I was just waiting for you to ask me out. I was convinced I could have been in love with you, but… I fell in love with Ethan instead,” Charlie grimaced, “Which was really fucking annoying at the time, by the way.”

Rafael didn’t doubt it.

He couldn’t imagine anyone falling in love with the Ethan Ramsey he knew. But something about it made sense, too. He wished it didn’t.

Charlie was on the verge of tears as she told him, “You know, my whole ‘thing’ with Ethan – whatever it was – started because I got drunk and texted him from a bar after I was suspended. He picked me up and took me home, and I spent the rest of that weekend just following him around so that neither of us had to face how fucked up our lives were. But… I almost called you that night, Raf. And I don’t…” Charlie hesitated. A few months ago, she would have said she wished she called Raf instead, but now, she couldn’t imagine taking that text to Ethan back.

Rafael stared, and she felt silently encouraged to keep going.

“When Ethan left, I didn’t want to be sad. I didn’t want to be devastated over a guy I was with for a weekend. And I always thought I would be happy with you, and I was but… I was still… I was in love with someone else, and I knew that. I also knew you cared, but I was so selfish. I just didn’t want to lose you, Raf, but I fucked it up.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Rafael asked.

“I was too ashamed,” Charlie confessed with a casual shrug, “I thought that not telling would save you some hurt.”

“It’s pretty easy to tell when someone’s not in love with you, Charlie.”

“I know,” Charlie looked down, guilty and mortified.

“Do you still love him?”

Charlie nodded.

“Does he know?”

“I don’t know,” Charlie shrugged sheepishly, “He knows I like holding his hand in his car and helping him cook dinner and staying the night in his apartment, but I don’t know if he knows any more than that. I haven’t told him.”

“You should tell him.”

“If I tell him now, it means I might actually die. I can’t accept that, Raf,” Charlie asserted, mildly horrified at the suggestion.

“Don’t risk dying without telling someone you love them, Charlie.”

Charlie didn’t want him to be right, but he was. So, she didn’t respond.

Then, Rafael took his own advice.

“I loved you, Charlie.”

Even though she already knew, it stung to hear because she couldn’t say the same.

“And I don’t want to die without being your friend.”

Charlie almost cried.

She wasn’t sure if she deserved his forgiveness – in fact, she was pretty sure she didn’t – but she accepted it anyway.

Because she just really wanted her friend back.

Thus, whatever had held them back for months was gone.

Hours passed, and the world went on.

Rafael became sicker and sicker, and Charlie grew dizzy but wouldn’t admit it.

Charlie’s friends came and went, all bleary-eyed and begging her to survive – sometimes silently and others explicitly. They showered Charlie and Raf in affection, and while it made them smile, it didn’t ease the deep-rooted anxiety. If anything, they just remembered how many people would suffer if they never made it out of this room alive. Even Bryce and Aurora came, both startling Charlie.

Her friends went back and forth between aiding the diagnostics team and supporting the patients because they didn’t know which effort was more important and which they would regret less.

But most of the time, it was Charlie and Raf.

As Ethan raced against the clock to solve the unsolvable, Charlie did what she could to report their symptoms and help Raf. She refused to sit because she feared she would never get back up. Thus, she stumbled about, holding onto furniture for stability. Raf kept telling her to sit, but she told him to focus on fighting this. He rolled his eyes but obliged.

While he slept, she remained by his side, glued to the steady yet slowing beep of his heart monitor. As long as she heard it, he was okay. She hadn’t yet failed.

When Raf stirred, he was disappointed to see that she was still standing, but he was happy she was still there.

“You look terrible,” he told her, his voice so soft that it was almost lost to the room.

She laughed, surprised by the insult, and she didn’t hesitate to say, “You do, too.”

He smiled, eyes closed. He almost seemed to savor it, like he wanted to catalog his final lines of banter.

“Don’t remember me like this, Charlie.”

“Stop,” Charlie waved him off, “I don’t want to hear you talk like that. If you give up, I swear to God, Raf…”

“Charlie, I’m being serious,” he stared at her, and his expression startled her.

He _was_ serious.

And she nearly trembled as he forced her to face it.

“I’ll remember you as superman dancing with me in the street,” Charlie assured him, “I promise.”

He smiled softly, warmed by the memory. He nodded his approval, “I like that.”

After a beat, he requested, “If you make it out of this, please take care of my vovo. She needs someone.”

Tears streamed down her cheeks as Charlie agreed.

She hated this. She was intimidated by his ability to face their mortality, and she begrudged him for obliging her to do the same.

But she owed him this. She also hoped that, if she reached a similar conclusion in a few hours, someone would let her do the same.

Charlie offered him a glass of water, which Rafael accepted. He winced after taking a sip, and he looked at the glass with wide-eyed bewilderment.

“That’s ice, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, why?”

“It feels hot – like scald your mouth hot.”

“Cold things feel hot?” Charlie clarified, looking so interested in his confirmation that Rafael knew that must be significant.

“You should tell Ethan. It might be the thing that saves you.”

That was the beginning of the end. She couldn’t do it anymore.

She felt her barriers break down, and the numbness dissipated. What followed was a flood of neglected emotion – the pain, the fear, all of it. She was overwhelmed. She was drowning.

And she was crying.

“ _Stop_ ,” Charlie insisted, her voice so insistent that, when paired with her tears, he complied.

“Charlie-“

“No,” she cut him off, her words choppy from sobs, “You weren’t even supposed to be here, Raf! You didn’t need to save me.”

He shook his head softly and opened his mouth, but she didn’t let him try to talk her down.

“Tell me why!” she demanded, “Why couldn’t you just protect yourself and stay outside?”

“You already know, Charlie,” he was surprised she even asked, “You know what it’s like to want to save everyone, and you know that horrible feeling when you don’t. I saw you, Charlie. You’re a lot like me. If Danny hadn’t reached Bobby first, you would have been the one on that floor, and you would be the one in the support suite. And if I hadn’t pushed you out of the way, you intended to take the brunt of the gas. We just beat you to the punch.”

Charlie shrank back, still fuming, but now, she didn’t know where the anger should be placed.

Was she mad at him for putting himself in danger, or did she wish she could have done it first?

“I didn’t think when I did it. I don’t even know if I did the right thing. But I did it. I hurt a lot of people tonight – my vovo, Sora, my friends. You did, too. But we’re the kind of people who would do anything to save ourselves from washing blood off our hands,” he smiled softly, “I don’t regret it, Charlie.”

Charlie didn’t speak. She didn’t need to tell him he was right, and she didn’t need to accept it either.

“Tell Ethan my symptoms. Save yourself. For once in your life, stop looking around the room and take care of yourself. And when you walk out of this room – because you will – don’t you dare spend the rest of your life feeling guilty for surviving.”

“I don’t know if I can promise you that.”

“You can try.”

She averted her gaze because she couldn’t take the intensity. She couldn’t take the challenge, and she couldn’t let him down.

That was when she noticed his heartrate monitor had slowed, and her world began to crumble.

When she looked back to Rafael, he was weak and falling further into his bed. He had said his peace. He had the look of a man who accepted his fate, and it was a terrible sight.

“Rafael!” Charlie scrambled to page the diagnostics team, “Rafael, don’t you _dare fucking leave me_.”

He didn’t make a crack back. He just feebly brushed his fingers along her hand, and she took it immediately, holding him tight to give him something to hold on to.

“Rafael, no…” she sobbed, so scared she didn’t know how to breathe anymore, “Stay. Please.”

He couldn’t do this.

Not now.

Not ever.

He couldn’t leave her.

Not Raf…

She pushed his sweaty hair out of his face, stroking it softly as she memorized every inch of his face. She hated herself for doing it. She promised him that she wouldn’t remember him like this, yet she studied and stored this moment.

And she wanted to scream.

She wanted to absolutely tear this fucking hospital apart to save him.

But she cried and gasped and struggled for air and held him so tight that her fingers turned white.

_She wasn’t going to save him…_

She did fail him.

She would live with that, or maybe she wouldn’t. Maybe she was just a few hours from the same fate.

Maybe she deserved to spend the rest of her short life knowing she failed her friend. Maybe she deserved to wallow in it, deserved to _drown in it._

Raf met her eyes, though they were so blurry with tears that she couldn’t quite make him out. He was still warm and friendly, like he was just introducing himself on that first day.

“I forgive you, Charlie, and I’m sorry.”

The words nearly knocked them down. They were so powerful, so fucking meaningful that it was wrong to hear them. They were the kind of last words that were recorded in history books. He intended them to be a final goodbye, happy words to make up for the mistakes and turmoil that marred part of their relationship. He intended to free Charlie from her shackles of responsibility.

And she wished he didn’t mean those things. Because, if she accepted them, she would also have to accept that this was the last time.

Sniffling, Charlie told him, “You can stay mad if your grudge gives you something to hold on to.”

He smiled softly, so weak that it was merely an upturn of his lips, “Forgive me, and forgive yourself, too.”

He struggled to hold on. He really tried. But he couldn’t forever. And his hand fell to his side and out of her grasp.

Charlie heard a scream.

It was hers.

She fell to the ground with a painful cry of anguish that would haunt anyone who heard it, but she wasn’t sure if she even did. She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t see. She couldn’t… she couldn’t… she just _couldn’t._

June and Ethan rushed into the room, and their paths diverged the second they entered. June ran to Rafael, and Ethan ran to Charlie, demanding to know if she was okay before he was even crouched in front of her.

“Charlie, Charlie,” Ethan had to yell over Charlie’s violent sobs, and with either hand on her jaw, he made her look at him. He almost wished he hadn’t. She trembled in his hands. She was terrified and devastated, and she didn’t want to even exist.

With her hand on top of his, she fought her hyperventilation and tried to stabilize herself. Once she was breathing okay again, she released his hand and pointed weakly at Rafael, “He needs support…” her voice was feeble and exhausted, and Ethan had to focus to hear it, “He reported hot-cold reversal before collapsing.”

Ethan looked to June and saw recognition in her eyes. She began talking through the symptom with him, saying she remembered it from a paper she read recently.

Charlie saw that Ethan was pulled in two directions – to stay with her and to leave her behind to focus on the cure.

Charlie remembered her promise to Rafael. She couldn’t keep it if she was buried next to him. And if she hadn’t made that promise… she would have made Ethan stay. She would have loved him until she drew her last breath.

But instead, she squeezed his hand so tight that it pained him, and she nodded for him to leave.

He didn’t want to.

“It’s okay. _Go_ ,” she demanded, and despite looking fragile, her voice was firm.

He followed her orders, even if he hated himself for doing it.

He forcibly shook off his emotions and helped June and Rafael.

Charlie sat on the floor and watched, cold and alone.

Just before they left with Rafael, Charlie asked, “How is Danny?”

Ethan and June hoped she wouldn’t ask.

Ethan grimaced, and with a deep breath that could never be enough to give him the strength to say this, he told her, “We… we lost him.”

Charlie didn’t know she could hurt more, but now, she knew.

The blow was devastating, and it knocked any remaining strength out of her body.

She couldn’t imagine standing now. She didn’t know how she had for so long.

Instinctively, Ethan moved to comfort her, but Charlie curled into herself, so lost to her own misery that she pushed him away. Ethan staggered back, and he reprimanded himself. He needed to keep his feelings separate if he was going to save her.

“Just before he died, he asked to be autopsied to help the two of you,” Ethan explained. He hoped to see it ease her in some way, but she was despondent.

“There’s still hope, Charlie,” June asserted, eyes full of sympathy.

Charlie looked up just enough to see the two of them.

She was a shell.

Just a pair of empty eyes and a broken soul.

Still, she nodded, and wiping her eyes, she thanked them, “Thank you. For everything.”

Ethan didn’t want to go. He couldn’t leave her. His precious, wonderful Charlie. His rookie. His… His everything.

But somehow, he did.

And then she was alone.

Sobbing and grappling with her own mortality, Charlie allowed herself to slip deeper and deeper until she felt everything. She felt the pain and the grief and the horror and the fear, and it consumed her. It drained her. It sucked her very life force out of her, until she had run out of tears. She felt it all, until her own body forced her to stop to protect itself.

Shaking, she did what she should have done all day.

She just didn’t have the strength then. She thought it would make it too real. She was still hoping for a miracle cure. She trusted that she would do what she always did – she would save them.

But she didn’t believe those things anymore.

Falling into bed – Rafael’s bed – Charlie willed herself to sit up. She picked up the phone and dialed the memorized number.

Charlie called Amelia and Samuel Greene. They were sitting on their patio and sharing a glass of wine when the phone rang. Amelia answered and exclaimed how happy she was to hear from their only daughter. Samuel left the patio and came into the kitchen so that he could join the conversation.

Amelia wanted to tell Charlie all about Alex, the son of their neighbor who was moving to Boston in a few months. Amelia had already promised his mother that Charlie would reach out to him when he arrived and maybe even introduce him to some people.

Samuel wanted to ask her all about work. He was a small-town family practitioner, and he loved caring for his neighbors and community. But he was excited by all the intriguing cases Charlie encountered, ones he didn’t find in his practice. Not a day went by when he didn’t brag about his little girl. Though she had left nearly a decade before, the whole town felt like she was right there because of how often her parents spoke of her.

But they didn’t talk about those things tonight.

Charlie told her parents that she had been exposed to a dangerous gas this morning in a failed assassination attempt of a senator. She was quarantined in a hospital room, and while her team was working very hard, one person had already died. Another was being moved to live support.

Through all the tears and exclaims of horror, Charlie told them that she loved them. They booked a flight that very minute, and Samuel walked away to call his office and cancel his cases because he needed to get to Boston. Amelia cried and begged her daughter to be strong. They both told her that they loved her, too, before they ended the call.

Then Charlie was alone again.

And she cried.

She cried for Danny and Raf and Ethan and Sienna and everyone…

And herself.

She cried for herself.

Because for once, Charlie wouldn’t pull a miracle out of her hat. She wouldn’t stumble out of a disaster unscathed. She wouldn’t go to Donahue’s and celebrate how everything worked out for her in the end.

She could die in this room, and even if she didn’t, she was changed.

She would never be the old Charlie again…


	18. Is This Goodbye?

The second Charlie saw Ethan approach her hospital room, she knew he had bad news.

She had seen him give bad news hundreds of times. Every time, he had the same expression, though the degree varied. He walked with determination, yet there was a silent reluctance in each step, like he would be happy to walk just a touch slower. The skin between his eyebrows crinkled together, and his lips formed a hard line. And his eyes…

They were particularly sad today.

In the short time before Ethan reached the glass, Charlie panicked.

She imagined a million scenarios, each worse than the last. She grieved each of them for her friends, her family, and herself. Even Ethan, too.

But once he reached her, she was relieved to see him. Happy, even. Especially because this could be the last time that she would face him like this, before this toxin had taken everything from her.

She paid a great deal of attention to him. He didn’t look like the same man who had kissed her goodbye this morning, and it was so hard to reconcile the two conflicting versions of Ethan. The one from last night had this radiance about him – like, for the first time in a very long time, the world was beautiful and full of possibilities. That man was happy. He made an extra cup of coffee in the morning and sacrificed his morning rituals just to stay in bed with her a little longer.

This man…

He wasn’t happy.

He was devastated.

His life had shattered. His world was chaos. And faced with the most important case of his career, he was failing.

And he was failing the woman he loved…

Looking at him, it was hard to imagine that the Ethan from this morning could ever come back. He was this now – and maybe even forever.

Ethan didn’t know how to begin. He imagined that there were eloquent, efficient words that could professionally and carefully inform her of the team’s new breakthrough. If he had an eternity, he wouldn’t have found them, though. The truth was that he didn’t want to begin. He didn’t want to tell her. He didn’t want it to be true.

Charlie took a moment to weakly approach the glass, and when he remained silent, she offered a kind of sympathetic smile.

“Would it help if I guessed the bad news?” Charlie offered.

“Who said it was bad news?” Ethan asked reflexively.

He didn’t like the knowing smile she offered or how effortlessly she had read him.

He didn’t like that he wouldn’t be able to keep secrets from her in the coming hours. She deserved the luxury of compassionate lies and well-meaning falsehoods. She deserved to be spared, if just from the psychological toll.

“We’ve discovered the type of toxin,” Ethan finally elaborated, watching her intently. He told himself he was looking for new symptoms, but he wasn’t. He was studying her reaction and hoping that she could take it.

Ethan didn’t know Charlie’s limits like he knew his own, not really. She toed the line last year with the combined trauma of Mrs. Martinez, the ethics hearing, Naveen’s illness, and Landry’s betrayal. She got herself off that ledge somehow, though a few cracks remained. But _this_? Could she take this?

But truthfully, as her doctor, it didn’t matter if she could take it. She would have to.

“You have?” Charlie asked apprehensively. She was looking for the trick, for the subtle clue that would put everything together. Because, at first blush, this was good news, wasn’t it? They were one step closer to treatment if they identified the toxin. They might even have time to save Raf.

What was she missing?

How could this discovery earn Ethan’s somber expression?

Ethan took a deep breath and gave her one last moment of innocent hopefulness before he told her.

“It’s a maitotoxin,” Ethan explained, “One I’ve never seen before. And it’s still present and active on Danny’s body postmortem, including the surface of his skin, which means it’s still dangerous.”

It took Charlie about fifteen seconds to understand why Ethan had hesitated for so long.

There was no cure.

Charlie felt like the wind was knocked out of her, and she stumbled back, almost as if she were fighting this new information. She knew it was true. She had no doubts, yet… she couldn’t accept it.

So, she had to say it.

She had to announce it to herself and to the world. She had to make it real.

“I’m going to die,” she said it softly, so softly that Ethan almost didn’t hear through the glass.

But he did. She kind of wished he hadn’t.

Charlie belatedly realized that Ethan was talking.

No, he was talking _to_ her.

He was saying something about how this wasn’t the time to give up because they were actively working on an antidote, but his words were so distant—nearly white noise.

All she could think was that she was going to die.

She would never keep her promise to Raf. She would never make it out of this room. She would never tell Kyra all the scandalous and sordid details of her private life. She would never sit on Ethan’s kitchen barstool and watch him make coffee in the morning. She wouldn’t even find out if they messed this up again or if, magically, it all fell into place.

All of her dreams and plans meant nothing now.

They would just be the private thoughts of a dead girl.

She could have wallowed in that for the rest of her life – it’s not like she had a lot of time left, anyway.

But she didn’t. She couldn’t.

And once she escaped those horrible thoughts, something worse occurred to her.

Charlie knew that Ethan Ramsey would never forgive himself for this. When she died, she would live on through his self-torment. He would twist and turn her memory until it became his personal hell. He would convince himself that he deserved it, and armed with his stubbornness and a conviction of his inherent badness, nothing could stop him.

She couldn’t fathom the thought.

Yet it felt so real, so _decided_ , that she couldn’t stop thinking it.

It was there. It was true. It was practically inevitable.

And she felt some sense of responsibility in all of it. Like maybe it was her fault. Like she had sealed his fate with her own impulsive need to save others. Like she had betrayed him without even knowing it.

She couldn’t look at him when he was like this, eyes so wide and sad as he pled for her to maintain hope and ignore her own mortality. And she certainly couldn’t listen to him.

His voice didn’t even sound the same. It was too desperate for her agreement. Too grave. Too anxious. He needed her to live the same lie. It grated on her ears.

“Stop talking,” Charlie demanded breathlessly. She sounded like she had run a marathon just to command him. In her mind, she had raced miles and miles just to hold on to the world. But for Ethan, who watched her sway slightly with dizziness, her breathlessness was just another reminder of the horrible truth he couldn’t yet acknowledge. 

He didn’t dare speak. Even if he wanted to, he couldn’t think of anything to say.

There was a pause.

Charlie realized she didn’t actually want to talk.

She didn’t want to do any of this.

She wanted to crawl back into bed. She wanted to fall asleep. She wanted to wake up tomorrow morning.

“Ethan,” Charlie began, her voice shaking. She silently started to count, promising that she would say it again once she reached three. She didn’t actually do it until she got to five, “I’m going to die.”

“ _Charlotte_ , _don’t say that_ ,” Ethan’s response was quick and desperate, so much so that the words blended together a little bit.

Charlie’s vision was hazy from the tears building in her eyes. Even then, she could see how intensely he needed her to pretend none of this was happening. She hated herself for not letting him have that.

She hated herself for being sick, for dying, for walking in this goddamn room and ruining everything. She hated herself for needing more, for loving him so much that she had to hurt him. She hated this illness. She hated Travis. She hated Senator Farrugia. She hated Raf for taking the brunt of the toxin and for leaving her here alone.

She hated everyone but Ethan.

But she really hated what she said next.

“I have to say it,” Charlie asserted, “Because it’s true.”

“Charlie, you can’t give up,” Ethan’s voice cracked, and he moved as close as he could through the glass. He was looking at her intently, searching for something familiar to latch on to in her green eyes. All he found was resolute determination.

It crushed him.

“I’m not giving up, Ethan,” Charlie told him. What little control she had over her body seemed to disappear. She was shaking. Breathing was harder. Tears prickled at her eyes. Everything hurt. “But we have to face this. _You_ have to face this.”

“Am I not facing this?” Ethan retorted incredulously, looking like he had been insulted, “Am I not here, Charlie?”

Charlie shook her head vigorously, “No, you’re _not_ facing this. You still think I will walk out of here unscathed, Ethan, and I won’t. Not even I can work my way out of this. I know that. I need you to know it, too.”

“Why?” Ethan snapped, “ _Why_ do you need that?”

Ethan seethed.

How could she ask this of him?

How could she give up when he needed her? When he was doing everything he could, how could she not just hold on? Why did she need him to face the one thing that would break him?

“Because I care about you, Ethan, and I need to know you’ll be okay.”

Ethan scoffed.

“I promised Naveen I would be there for you if he died,” Charlie explained forcefully. The way she spoke demanded his attention, and he begrudgingly gave it. “I need that same assurance, Ethan. I need to know that, when I’m gone, you will be okay. That you’re not going to waste years blaming and hating yourself for something that was never even your fault. I got myself in this mess. Blame me,” Charlie’s voice had changed subtly as she spoke, but it was clear now.

She was just as desperate as he was.

He felt it in her stare. He heard it in her voice. It surrounded her.

And it killed him.

When Ethan didn’t speak, she begged, “Please. I won’t let you use my memory to torture yourself.”

Ethan still didn’t say anything.

He didn’t need to. The look on his face told her that he could never agree.

It hit Charlie like a blow, and she stumbled back just a bit. She looked betrayed, even disappointed in him. Ethan felt the urge to avert his eyes in guilt.

“Do you promise?” Charlie was very close to a new emotion – one that she couldn’t quite put her finger on. She heard it in her tone, though. It wasn’t quite angry, not fully disappointed. But it was certainly commanding.

Ethan had to answer her. He knew he did.

But he didn’t.

He was so mad that she forced him to sit in this, that she broke down his carefully constructed barriers. He couldn’t save her if he felt the full weight of what was happening. His grief, his adoration, his fury – it would bury him.

He told himself that he was doing what was best for her.

But there was a small voice in the back of his head that said he was just running away.

“I can’t do this, Greene. I can’t have this conversation,” Ethan announced, evading eye contact. He was too ashamed to look at her, “I’ve been here too long. I need to get back to the team.”

Then he left – so abruptly and dramatically that Charlie couldn’t even get a word before he was too far away to hear her.

Charlie watched him in disbelief.

He… left?

She was dying, and he fucking _left_?

Charlie didn’t know what she was feeling, but it was something close to anger, fear, and sadness.

She couldn’t believe he would allow his stubbornness to deprive them of what little time they had together. It was one thing for her to not let him hide from the truth, but was it the same for him to run away? Could he do that?

Was there a right way to do any of this?

If there was, Charlie was convinced he certainly hadn’t done it.

She fumed. How could he leave when they were already running out of time?

Quietly, she remembered the spring when she sneaked out of his apartment in the early hours just to avoid saying goodbye. Was he doing the same thing?

Charlie thought of the note she wrote the night she left. She had written, “I love you,” and then crumbled the note up and taken it with her instead of letting him read it.

Once again, when this could be goodbye, she hadn’t told him.

She might never.

Charlie paced as she tried to clear her mind. She stumbled every other step, feeling increasingly dizzy, but she kept trying. If she kept moving, she wouldn’t have to face the silence again.

She had to keep going because, if she didn’t, she would hear Danny’s final, ragged breaths. She would see Raf’s exhausted, pale face as he mumbled his last words. She would hear her own screams…

And now, she would also see Ethan storming away from her in her final hours.

It was too much.

Charlie felt lucky when she heard someone approach the glass. It meant she would have a distraction.

But when she realized that the noisy steps came from her all her best friends coming to check on her, her feeling of good luck wavered.

They all looked so…

Sad. Aware of the threat. And politely trying not to talk about it.

Sienna’s face was red with tears, and something stabbed at Charlie’s heart as she realized that her friend had lost the man she adored and would likely lose even more friends by the end of the night.

Sometimes, it was easy to forget that Charlie wasn’t suffering in isolation. Everyone she loved was also suffering, and there was nothing she could do to stop it.

“I saw Dr. Ramsey storming down the hall. Is everything okay?” Bryce asked as soon as he was in Charlie’s earshot, obviously apprehensive and drained from the traumatic afternoon. Charlie had never seen him not smile when he approached. It broke her heart that he only frowned.

 _No_ , Charlie thought, _Ethan can’t handle his girlfriend’s mortality, so he’s acting like a dick_.

But she didn’t say it. She didn’t want her last memories with her friends to be tainted with calling Ethan a dick or complaining about how ridiculous he was.

Instead, Charlie shrugged, “I don’t know, but they’re making progress. They’ve figured out the toxin, so that’s good news.”

“Really? That’s amazing! What is it?” Sienna’s face perked up with hope for the first time since the whole ordeal began.

Charlie hesitated and reluctantly admitted, “Maitotoxin.”

“Oh,” Sienna exclaimed with surprise, and it only took a moment for her face to fall with recognition, “ _Oh…”_

An awkward silence fell between the friends, and Charlie’s eyes fell to the floor. She didn’t like the way they looked at her now, like they were memorizing her so they could remember once she was gone. Elijah’s face was soft with sympathy, a stark contrast to Jackie’s distraught and angry frown. Bryce was trying so hard to be positive that it seemed to break him.

And Sienna…

Charlie knew that, if she looked at Sienna right now, she wouldn’t be able to stop from crying, so she selfishly looked away.

But she couldn’t maintain it. She had to look. She had to connect.

She had to let them know how much she loved and appreciated them, even if they weren’t ready to acknowledge these as their final hours.

“I love you guys,” Charlie sniffed, wiping at her eyes before anyone could see her cry, “I’m so happy I met all of you.”

“We love you, too,” Elijah’s voice hitched, and Bryce put a sympathetic hand on his shoulder.

“It’s really good that they’ve identified the toxin, Charlie,” Jackie spoke up, nodding firmly, “We’re one step closer.”

“Yeah,” Charlie agreed weakly, “One step closer.”

“You’re going to be okay,” Bryce added, trying to keep everyone optimistic, but not even his bravado couldn’t save the day.

Charlie nodded, “You’re right.”

Everyone tried to stay positive, including Charlie, and she hid her growing tears with awkward sniffles and wiping her eyes. They pretended not to notice and ignored the increasing pain in their hearts.

“How’s Kyra?” Charlie asked.

“She’s good… She made it out of surgery, and she’s recovering,” Bryce clumsily added, “We haven’t… we haven’t told her about this yet. We didn’t want to stress her, but…”

He trailed off before he could say that they would bring her to say goodbye if it became obvious that Charlie wouldn’t survive the hour.

It stung. It was just another reminder that she was actually going to die.

Charlie nodded her approval and expressed relief that Kyra was okay, and she didn’t make Bryce explain. She didn’t need him to tell her. His obvious discomfort and nervousness expressed everything she needed to know. As long as she could say goodbye to Kyra before the end, she was happy to let her stay blissfully ignorant.

She wished she could give all her friends that gift.

As they continued to talk, Charlie found the effort to stay strong for them exhausting. A dark, quiet thought whispered that at least her impending doom meant she could rest after taking blow after blow.

Out of the corner of her eye, she could see the diagnostics team coming down the hall, and she released a tiny sigh of acceptance.

She knew they didn’t have good news. There was no good news to be had. Whatever it was would be traumatic at worst and depressing at best.

Charlie was so tired.

She longed for her bed so much that she was fine with the fact that she would likely never get out of it. She was ready to let go. She was ready to give in, if everyone would just stand back and let her.

But they wouldn’t.

Charlie’s friends moved to allow June, Baz, and Ethan to face Charlie through the glass. Ethan was staring at her with eyes that begged her to look at him. She didn’t. She was too close to crying already. Instead, she looked at June.

“How are you doing, Charlie?” June asked, and once again, Charlie was comforted by her no-nonsense approach. It was nice to not be causing someone pain for once today.

“Okay,” Charlie shrugged, “No significant changes.”

June nodded considerately, “You know it’s Maitotoxin?”

“Yes.”

“And you know what that means?”

“Yes.”

June looked away just for a second – a second to brace herself. When she looked back, she was stern again.

“I brought some files if you would like to look through it.”

“I don’t want to,” Charlie rejected the offer, “But thank you.”

June nodded understandingly and handed the folder to Baz, who wiped a tear from underneath his glasses, “We’re working on it, Charlie.”

“I know, and thank you,” Charlie acknowledged.

She couldn’t help herself.

She had to look at Ethan.

Her muscles burned with the effort of looking away. She couldn’t fight it. She had to see him.

And she did.

And it…

It broke her and healed her at the same time.

 _Her Ethan_.

She could see him now – the Ethan she loved, not just Dr. Ramsey. He was so sad… So devastated. And so eager for her to glance in his direction.

She loved him. She loved him _so much_.

In that moment, he felt like the only thing worth looking at. Her heart swelled so much that it felt like it might just burst. She couldn’t imagine staring at anything else.

“This isn’t the time to give up, Charlotte,” Ethan asserted, but it was a plea, really.

He hoped his voice still mattered to her. He hoped _he_ still mattered to her after how he treated her.

“But,” Charlie spoke softly to the group, though she only looked at Ethan, “There isn’t an antidote.”

“ _Yet_ ,” Ethan emphasized, “We’re going to work around the clock to synthesize one.”

“And you won’t be alone.”

Everyone’s head jerked in the direction of the familiar voice.

For a moment, Charlie wondered if she should add delusions to her growing list of symptoms. She looked at her friends’ expressions for confirmation that they saw it, too, and to her surprise, they did. 

But… how?

Aurora approached quickly, flanked with a team of doctors on either side. Just a step ahead of her was Tobias, and it was only then that Charlie recognized that he was the one who spoke.

And just like that, everything was different. Hope rushed down the empty corridor to the sound of a dozen footsteps.

Everyone gaped as the doctors approached. Everyone from Edenbrook was too shocked to say a word, so it was Aurora who spoke next.

“The best doctors and resources Mass Kenmore can offer at your disposal,” Aurora affirmed, and the doctors behind her nodded their agreement.

Charlie was stunned to silence.

“Tobias?” Ethan’s lips were parted in a silent gasp. He couldn’t believe it, and right then, he decided he didn’t care about anything in their past anymore.

Tobias was here now, and if he could save Charlie, Ethan would forgive and forget anything.

The only thing that mattered was Charlie.

“This is bigger than any rivalry. Greene’s not dying on our watch,” Tobias looked at Ethan like he understood.

Normally, this would have terrified Ethan. He would have wondered how Tobias knew about their relationship and if he would dare use it against the two of them in the name of their ongoing competition. He would have feared for Charlie’s career. And he would have hated Tobias for pointing it out.

But Ethan felt none of that.

Instead, he said, “Thank you, Tobias.”

This startled Tobias, but after a beat, he accepted the thanks.

“Yes… Thank you. _Both of you,”_ Charlie echoed, looking between Aurora and Tobias with shocked gratitude, “Aurora… I don’t even know how to express… I …” Charlie stumbled through her words, struggling to express her love for her friend and her gratitude and her relief to even know her.

“Then don’t,” Aurora cut her off, “Thank me by hanging in there, okay?”

Charlie nodded weakly, “I’ll try.”

“We've set up basecamp in the laboratory. We can take you there now,” June offered.

“Anyone else who wants to join us is welcome,” Baz added.

“Count us in. Chemistry was always my strongest subject in college,” Elijah said, earning a nod of approval from Baz.

Sienna pushed her way to the glass, her teary eyes fierce and piercing as they found Charlie, “Don’t you _dare_ die. No comas, either. Just… hold the line, you hear me?” Sienna demanded.

“I hear you,” Charlie confirmed as strongly as she could.

Aurora pulled Sienna from the window and gently lead her away. The others said their goodbyes and hurried after June and Baz to the lab.

Only Ethan stayed behind.

Charlie stared at him in surprise.

“What are you doing?”

“I realized you might need me here more than you need me with them,” Ethan confessed, taking another step towards the glass – towards Charlie.

He didn’t quite know where to start. He was ashamed of his behavior – of his rude cowardice. He was haunted by that last look she’d given before he left, like she knew he would let her down.

And he didn’t want to be that man.

He wasn’t that man.

He might not be able to save her, but that wasn’t what she needed from him. He knew that now.

“I’m so sorry, Charlie,” Ethan said it all at once, like a deep sigh he needed to release. And he did. He had to apologize. He needed her to not hate him.

“For what?” Charlie asked apprehensively. She realized that she was holding her breath as she waited. She wanted to forgive him so very, very badly that she was terrified he wouldn’t say the right words, that this would somehow be ruined.

But really, even if he had made every wrong move, she wasn’t prepared to let him ruin it. She would have forgiven him no matter what he said.

“For everything,” Ethan swallowed heavily, casting his eyes low with humiliation, “For storming off. For not listening to you. for hiding when I should have stood with you.”

He twisted his face, trying to hold back the floodgates of emotion as he added, “You’re asking for something that’s very hard to give, Charlotte.”

Charlie was crying.

She didn’t bother wiping away the tears as she sadly smiled, “I know.”

“But you deserve to ask,” Ethan made himself look at her, even though he wasn’t sure if he even deserved to, “Because you’re right, Charlie. You’re always right.”

Charlie laughed softly. That was the kind of thing she always wanted to hear. If he had told her any other time, she would have stored those words and brought them up time and time again. She wouldn’t get to now, though.

“I forgive you, Ethan,” Charlie quickly corrected, “Actually, no. I don’t. Because I don’t need to. I don’t care. You were a dick, but I… I don’t blame you. I’m just happy you’re here now.”

Ethan shook his head, knowing he didn’t deserve anything she said, “You’re too easy on me.”

“No,” Charlie tentatively held her hand to the glass, “I’m not.”

She offered a small, playful smile – the kind that always filled him with happiness, even now. She whispered, “I knew you were an asshole when I picked you, Ethan.”

He didn’t deserve Charlie.

But he placed his hand on the glass and smiled anyway.

He was supposed to leave now. They both knew it.

But he stood still.

He was devastated to look at her like this, alone and scared. He could see the exhaustion etched in her face, and he knew she hadn’t slept. He doubted she had sat for more than hour all together today. She was so stubborn… And so isolated…

“Can I stay?” Ethan asked impulsively.

Charlie jerked in surprise, instinctively taking a small step back. He missed her proximity immediately.

“Won’t the team miss you?” Charlie asked.

“I don’t care. I want to be here with you.”

Charlie hadn’t thought that there were right words to say. She thought that this situation was too shocking, too dramatic to have anything “right” about it. But she felt differently now. Because _those_ were the right words to say.

She didn’t speak immediately. She didn’t know how to. She was too overcome with emotions she didn’t even recognize. It was harder to breathe. She felt like something was breaking inside of her – some resolve, some barrier. It flooded her until her limbs felt heavy and her mind exhausted.

She was falling apart. She felt it. Ethan saw it.

“Please,” Charlie begged him to come inside.

Ethan nodded emphatically, and he assured her it would be just one minute. As he rushed into his hazmat suit, he was tempted to be reckless with the remaining procedures. Time with Charlie was precious, and one minute felt like too long to wait.

It took about 65 seconds for Ethan to safely enter the hospital room.

Ethan only took one of the following seconds to complain about how slow he moved and how much faster he needed to go to get to her, but he was quickly distracted from those criticisms.

Because Charlie was there.

After hours of staying apart to maintain boundaries and leaving her to struggle on her own, Ethan could finally hold her.

Ethan wordlessly enveloped Charlie in his arms, and she fell deeply into his embrace until he was the only thing keeping her up. She shed the pretense of strength and stability. When Raf crashed and abandoned her in this room, she almost wallowed in the full effect of the night – the pain, the sorrow, the fear. But there was still a part of her that pushed Ethan away for his own good, sacrificing what she wanted for the greater effort. Now, even that was gone.

Charlie succumbed to the darkness.

And really, it was kind of a relief.

She sobbed into his chest, and Ethan held her as tight as he possibly could without breaking her. He wished he could give her all of his remaining strength. She needed it more than he did.

“It’s okay,” Ethan whispered, tracing a soothing pattern on her back, “I’m here.”

“I missed you so much,” Charlie managed breathlessly.

He squeezed her, but he wasn’t sure if he did it to reassure her or to prove to himself that she was really there.

Once her sobs grew softer, Ethan pulled away enough to wipe the tears off her red-stained cheeks. He hated the hazmat suit for keeping them apart. He wanted to feel her skin, her warmth.

“I wish you could touch me,” Charlie told him, a spare tear rolling down her cheek. He caught it with his thumb.

“So, do I,” Ethan affirmed with a sad smile.

She swayed softly in his arms. Her dizziness, coupled with her exhaustion, made it hard to stand. Her eyelids were heavy, and her eyes were bloodshot from hours of tears and not a minute of sleep. She demanded a lot from her body, and it was determined to get its revenge on her.

Though he knew she hadn’t, he asked, “Have you slept at all?”

Charlie shook her head, “I tried, but um…” Charlie had to stop and hold her breath for a minute, too choked up to continue. For anyone else, she would have left it at that, but for Ethan, she bore the pain and explained, “I tried after Raf crashed… And I… I was too afraid I wouldn’t wake up again, and I wasn’t ready.”

_Oh._

Ethan swallowed heavily and nodded thoughtfully. He didn’t dare speak. He knew he would break if he did.

His beautiful, wonderful Charlie didn’t deserve this…

“How is Raf?” Charlie asked apprehensively. She doubted she would like his answer.

“He’s holding on,” Ethan told her, “He’s in a coma.”

Charlie knew that was the best she could ask for, so she accepted it quietly.

“Are you tired, Charlie?”

Charlie let out a deep breath as she admitted, “So, _so_ tired.”

Not just physically, either. She was drained completely – emotionally and mentally. The only thing that kept her going was her determination, and even that wore thin.

“Come on, let’s get you to bed,” Ethan suggested softly. When she hesitated, he added, “I’ll be here to make sure you wake up.”

Charlie knew he couldn’t really make a promise like that, but she believed it anyway. She needed it.

Charlie accepted his hand and allowed him to lead her to the bed. As she sank into the mattress, he carefully followed. His arms encircled her, and her head fell comfortably and familiarly to his shoulder.

If they pretended, it almost looked like a normal night in his apartment.

“I think your bed might be just a bit more comfortable,” Charlie whispered playfully, earning his chuckle.

She liked to watch him laugh, even through the bulky hazmat helmet. In fact, she liked almost everything about him.

“Can I tell you something I regret?” Charlie asked, much to Ethan’s surprise.

“Do you want to?”

“Yes.”

“Then, yes, you can,” Ethan affirmed, hiding his own anxiety.

Everything about this night felt final, like the last chapter of his favorite book. Every time they had a “last” anything, Ethan felt closer to the edge.

“If I could go back, I would pick you all the times I almost did.”

“I wouldn’t deserve it.”

“I don’t care,” Charlie shrugged. She was smiling, but it didn’t reach her sad eyes, “You don’t have to deserve me, Ethan. I wasted so much time thinking that, if I couldn’t have you, I had to stay away until I moved on. And I never moved on, not even for a minute.”

“You shouldn’t have had to,” Ethan felt like a fool for all his stubborn, ‘ethical’ arguments. He’d just been hiding, and because of it, they were deprived of so much. “I wish I could take it back, Charlie. I would take a million more months with you.”

This time, when Charlie smiled, he knew it was real.

And she knew she had to tell him. Anxiety built in her chest, and for a terrifying moment, she wondered if she as alone in loving him, if she had always been the foolish, love-struck girl. If he still didn’t need her like she needed him.

“Can I tell you another regret?”

Ethan nodded his consent.

“I should have… I should have told you I loved you the second I felt it.”

The world stopped. Time wasn’t counting down.

Now, it was Ethan’s turn to stop breathing.

“When was that?”

“The spring, the night I left you before you could leave me. I wrote it on a note that I was going to leave for you, but I took it with me instead. I thought it help me move on if I never told you,” Charlie admitted.

She was very aware that Ethan hadn’t said it back yet, and she watched his lips intently, waiting for three words to fall out of them.

But Ethan was distracted.

Because, if he had known, everything would have been different. If she had left that note, he wouldn’t have been able to stay away. He ran away and hid from her for his own safety, to keep him away from her. If he had known that she was suffering, too, he would have stayed.

He could have been happy with her all this time.

All it would have taken was for one of them to say that they loved each other.

“I knew then, too…” Ethan still seemed lost in his own head as he spoke, “I spent every night in the Amazon wondering if I would ever stop.”

“Did you?” Charlie was so afraid of his answer she almost hoped he wouldn’t say anything. That way, she ran no risk of being crushed.

“Never.”

 _He loves me_.

Charlie shouldn’t have been shocked, but she was.

And she was so… so…

So in love with him. So overwhelmed.

Charlie began to cry, hiding her face in Ethan’s shoulder as she mourned. She cried because of how much she loved him. She cried because they had all this time and never told each other. She cried because she wouldn’t get to love him for decades. She cried because this was still the end.

Ethan held her tight and fought off his own ragged, dangerous breath. He didn’t know how to breathe anymore. He was so sad but so happy. So distraught and so relieved.

He should have told her before. In his apartment, on the balcony with a bottle of wine. When she was smiling at him. When her eyes reflected the glimmering cityscape and stars. When she was happy and safe.

“You know,” Ethan murmured, “My dad says I would be an idiot to ruin this because you’re the best thing to ever happen to me,” Ethan wasn’t quite sure why he told her this story, but he just knew he wanted to make her smile, “I told him that I already had once, and he said I was an idiot.”

Charlie laughed softly through her tears. She could imagine it, and she didn’t disagree with Alan.

“My mom found a picture of you on the internet after I moved here. She warned me not to get too close to you because you were too handsome and smart for your own good,” Charlotte murmured. He could hear the exhaustion in her voice, but he was relieved to have the distraction.

“You know, it was pretty strange you claimed to be such a ‘fan’ but had no idea what I looked like,” Ethan teased.

“I was a fan of your _research_. Was I supposed to keep a poster of your face on my wall?”

“I’m just saying that my picture was in the _back of the book_.”

“I was too busy reading it to check you out, Ethan.”

Charlie rolled her eyes, and Ethan smiled.

They didn’t say a lot after that, just a few murmured words and the occasional joke. Despite her best efforts to stay awake and enjoy her time with Ethan, Charlie fell asleep. She finally felt safe enough to sleep.

Even after he realized Charlie was asleep, Ethan held her. He wasn’t ready to let go.

He wanted to hold her through the night and keep her safe. He wanted to keep his promise and make sure she woke up in the morning.

But he needed to get back to the team and fight for her while they still had time left.

Ethan reluctantly untangled himself from Charlie, and before he left, he whispered gently that he loved her.

Ethan followed the decontamination procedures methodically. It gave him something else to think about, somewhere for his mind to hide. Once he was done, he slid back into his white coat and started walking down the hall to the lab.

But he didn’t make it there.

Every step, his feet felt like lead. His heart raced. His eyes watered. His breath was irregular.

He had to stop. He had to… crash.

He fell to the linoleum floor with a thud that echoed down the empty hall. He leaned his head back to the wall and begged his body to stop, to just let him focus. He searched for those barriers that kept him safe, but they were gone now.

He loved Charlie.

And she was going to die.

Ethan succumbed to the weight of it all as he sobbed into his hands. It took everything from him, so when the tears stopped flowing, he felt hollow and empty. He was alone. And he missed her.

As soon as he could fathom it, Ethan stood. He walked into the bathroom and splashed his tear-stained face with water. His reflection was so unfamiliar – so distraught and devoid of life – that he avoided looking at it at first. He forced himself to level his gaze with his reflection, and he commanded that he get his shit together and be a good doctor. It didn’t matter if he was sad. All that mattered was that Charlotte survived. He would give anything for her.

Using that as fuel, Ethan marched into the lab.

Everyone was surprised to see him, and they hardly kept it to himself. Even June gaped in alarm. No one expected him to leave Charlie’s side, and they worried what it meant that he had.

“How is Charlie?” Baz asked immediately.

“She’s resting. Heart rate still normal. No obvious deterioration,” Ethan ignored their astonished stares and walked to the half-empty pot of coffee in the corner of the make-shift lab. He poured himself a cup and winced at the taste, “Who made this?”

“I did,” Tobias confirmed.

“Makes sense,” Ethan muttered. If Tobias caught it, he let it slide.

He forced the rest of the cup down, reasoning that he needed the caffeine more than his taste buds needed satisfaction.

As soon as he finished his coffee, Ethan asked for an update and where he could help. Tobias told him about their progress and invited Ethan to work with him. Ethan obliged and fell into the project quickly.

The team benefited from his presence, even if they couldn’t believe he was there.

As they worked, Tobias finally said, “So, the resident, huh?”

Ethan shot him a warning look, “Shut up.”

“I’m not judging.”

“You are, and I don’t care. _After_ we finish this antidote, you have all the time in the world to judge me. Save it for then.”

Tobias raised his hands in surrender and got back to work.

\---

Charlie woke the next morning to a sharp, stabbing pain ripping through her stomach. She yelped in pain and instinctively doubled over, silently begging her body to just release whatever the fuck this was. She reached for Ethan beside her but found the bed empty.

As another wave of pain hit her, Charlie longed for Ethan’s reassuring presence but was quietly relieved that he didn’t have to see her bitter end. And anyway, he kept his promise. She woke up this morning.

“ _Charlotte_!”

She recognized Ethan’s voice, but her vision was too blurry to recognize him on the other side of the glass. He was just an outline, but he was the tallest outline out of the group. So, Charlie reasoned it had to be him rushing through the decontamination tent to get to her. A handful of people followed.

Charlie dug her nails into her arm to distract from the pain, but she only ended up drawing blood.

Once it was finally over, she fell back into the bed feebly.

Ethan anxiously approached and demanded, “Are you okay?”

Charlie faintly nodded her head in response, and Ethan released a sigh of relief.

“What’s going on?” Charlie murmured, struggling to keep her eyes open. She needed sleep. She needed _relief_.

“We did it, Charlie!” Charlie recognized the voice before she recognized Aurora’s form in the glass.

“What?” Charlie’s mouth felt dry, and the word came out cracked.

“We have an antidote, Charlie,” Ethan explained. While she tried to identify Aurora out of the crowd, he had made it to her bedside and was sitting in the chair beside her, holding out his hand for hers.

Charlie didn’t understand.

She had to be imagining this.

But people were talking. They explained the miracle of the formulation and how the antidote worked. She only picked up every other word, but she got the gist of it.

It was real.

They did it.

“Did you give it to Raf?” Charlie breathed as soon as it all clicked together, cutting off someone else. She looked to Ethan like he was the only one she trusted.

“We did,” Sienna confirmed, “We haven’t seen any change. It may have been too late…”

“But we haven’t seen a decline, and that has to mean something,” Elijah chimed in.

Charlie fell back into the bed just a little bit farther. She was relieved he was still alive, even if he might not be by the end of the day.

“Charlotte,” Ethan’s voice was tender, nearly begging as he asked, “Give me your arm.”

Charlie obliged, but her body was so weak that it shook when she held it out. Baz came to her side and steadied her as Ethan prepared the shot.

As Ethan smoothly slid the needle into her skin, he told her, “It’s going to be okay.”

And for the first time, Charlie believed him.


	19. Meeting the Parents

Ethan restlessly stared at the ceiling. He was exhausted, yet all attempts at sleep had failed him tonight. Frustrated, Ethan cast a cursory glance in the direction of his bedside clock.

1:47 am.

7 minutes since he last checked the time.

7 sleepless minutes.

Or, if he wanted to be completely accurate, it was one hour and thirty sleepless minutes.

He hadn’t even wanted to come home tonight. He fully intended to spend the night at Edenbrook to monitor Charlie’s condition. After twenty-four hours from hell, the team developed an antidote, and Charlie responded to it well. After only a few hours, she tested negative for any remaining toxin and was tearfully released from quarantine.

By all appearances, she was in the clear. She would be alright. They had saved her.

But Ethan didn’t trust it.

They had no idea what kind of side effects the antidote would have. They had hardly even tested it before administering it to Charlie and Rafael. Anything could happen. She needed constant supervision. Anything less made Ethan uncomfortable.

Of course, Charlie argued that he didn’t need to be the supervisor. Ethan, naturally, disagreed. But Charlie was persistent.

She was the one who made him go home at midnight. Even with Ethan’s emphatic dissent, Charlie’s argument prevailed. She benefitted from the fact Ethan would do anything to make her comfortable. With enough persistence, she persuaded him that his rest would help her in the long run. She ordered him to go home, eat something not from a vending machine, and go to sleep.

He did the first two quite easily.

But the third…

No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t sleep.

Every time he closed his eyes, he saw Charlie.

The night before, she seemed so frail and vulnerable in his arms. And there was that look in her eyes – like she knew she wouldn’t make it through the night. Like she was profoundly disappointed in her ending but was relieved to have moments like this.

She said his name like she knew she wouldn’t ever say it again.

Even now, with the promise of life, she looked hollow. Something meaningful had been taken from her – her security, maybe even her trust. She was weak, yes. Her body had been through hell and needed time to heal. But it was more than that.

Ethan didn’t know if she would ever be the same.

He wasn’t sure if he would either.

Irritably, Ethan stirred in his bed. The sheets were too cold. And it was too empty without her.

He eyed his cell phone, looking for any sign of a notification. There was none, so he lunged for his phone just in case. There was no new message, no call, no alert.

 _She must be fine then_ , he thought.

It didn’t sit right though. The absence of a threat didn’t make him feel safe. He wouldn’t believe it until he saw it for himself – until he saw the rise and fall of each breath.

Exhausted, Ethan climbed out of bed. He didn’t bother turning on a light as he clambered towards his closet. He changed into the first pair of clean scrubs he found, and he shrugged on his white coat. His keys were still in the right pocket. He always put them in the table by the door, but he had been too thoughtless to do that tonight.

He didn’t give himself much time to change his mind. Within ten minutes, he was in his car, driving down a desolate moonlit boulevard. Nothing presented itself to stop him – not a whiff of traffic or an errant stoplight. He parked in the near-empty parking garage.

Not one member of the night shift seemed surprised to see him. It hadn’t even been two hours since Dr. Greene demanded he go home, and as they watched him leave, a few sleepless interns took bets on when he would come back. One argued that he would return before morning, and the other asserted he wouldn’t disobey Dr. Green’s commandment. The one who bet correctly quietly gloated in the corner. Though he didn’t owe one, Ethan offered an excuse about coming in to check on a patient.

The entire staff knew exactly who he was talking about. It’s not like it was a secret that he had spent the last 48 hours focused on Dr. Greene and Dr. Greene alone. They weren’t even sure if Dr. Ramsey even had another active patient.

But they allowed him to be vague and just nodded a greeting. They still watched though. This was the most interesting thing that had happened all night on this floor.

Ethan entered Charlie’s hospital room to find her sleeping. According to the monitors, all of her vital signs were healthy and normal. He took a few quiet steps in her direction, and careful to not disturb her, he took her pulse. It was redundant, of course. Her heart rate was displayed on a nearby monitor. He already knew it was stable, but something in him needed the physical proof of feeling it for himself.

This was the first time in 48 hours that he had seen Charlie look peaceful. Even in her slumber the night before, her face was twisted with worry and pain. Every waking moment was plagued with the finality of death. And now…

She was just asleep. And at peace.

Ethan found himself smiling.

He wasn’t sure when he had last smiled. He supposed it had been when Charlie tested negative for remaining toxin, and he had gone to tell her, only for her to hug him with all of her remaining strength. He had smiled then. But that smile carried the weight of devastation and concern.

This smile was free – or as free as he could be right now.

Ethan felt satisfied that she was alright. That should have been enough for him to go home.

But instead, he brushed her hair out of her face and gently kissed her forehead, whispering to himself, “My Charlie…”

He easily convinced himself that he needed to stay just a bit longer, just to be sure. He took a seat next to Charlie’s bed, and he watched her. He noticed every breath. They each gave him a sense of safety and calm.

Ethan didn’t mean to fall asleep. He didn’t even feel it as it came on.

He only realized when he woke the next morning, sore and uncomfortable. The room was still dim, hints of the sunrise filtering through the blinds. His shoulders and neck ached from the awkward sleeping position he twisted himself into, and it took considerable effort to remain quiet as he adjusted to the discomfort.

Charlie was still asleep, still peaceful.

Ethan saw this as an opportunity to sneak out before she realized he had broken her rule for the night. He stood and silently cursed every creak of the chair or scuff of his shoes. She only began to stir when he was close to the door.

“Where are you going?”

Ethan froze.

Charlie’s voice was just a murmur, but in the near-silent hospital wing, it was distinct and clear. Charlie sleepily turned in bed, her eyes hardly open as she added, “I told you to go home.”

“I did, for a little while.”

Charlie’s eyes were open now, and she raised a doubtful eyebrow.

“For an hour or so,” Ethan conceded.

“What about Jenner?”

“He’s with Naveen.”

She hummed thoughtfully.

Ethan watched her expectantly. He anticipated annoyance, if not anger, but she hardly even seemed surprised.

After a beat, she asked, “Why did you come back?”

“I couldn’t sleep,” he confessed.

He took a few tentative steps in her direction. He wasn’t sure if he did because of her apparent nonchalance at his broken promise or if he just wanted another reminder that she was alright. When he was close enough, she lazily took his hand in hers, prompting a soft smile on his lips. Her grip was weak, which Ethan attributed more to her drowsiness than her overall fragility.

Encouraged by her touch, he now stood as close as he could to her.

He absently realized that standing next to her brought him the most peace he’d had in what felt like ages.

“So, you needed to see if I was still breathing?” Charlie asked pointedly.

Ethan was startled by how easily she figured him out.

“How did you know?” he asked breathlessly.

Charlie shrugged, casting her eyes down to their intertwined hands. She looked even paler next to him…

For a moment, Charlie imagined standing in his shoes. She imagined a world where he was the one who stepped into that room and became infected. Instantly, she regretted it. She refused to touch the intricate, dangerous thoughts of what would have happened – if he could have been saved. But she allowed herself to sit in this one.

If Ethan was in a hospital room after a near brush with death, where would she have been?

“I would probably do the same,” Charlie decided.

He saw it again – the haunting in her eyes.

And even though he knew he couldn’t, he wanted to fix it.

So, pressing a gentle kiss to her warm forehead, Ethan playfully whispered, “It almost sounds like you love me or something.”

It did exactly what he hoped it would.

It made her laugh.

“Don’t know what gave you that impression,” Charlie played along, offering a casual shrug as her grip on his hand tightened.

Ethan smiled, and reflexively, he moved her hair out of her eyes. He always loved her hair in the morning. Even when she pulled it back or tried to secure it in some other way, there was an element of wildness – almost like her hair resented trying to be controlled. Of course, Charlie always conquered it by the end of the morning, even if he heard her curse in the bathroom as she shoved a dozen bobby pins into her hair. But he liked the moments before she did.

Those moments belonged to them – just them.

“Maybe just wishful thinking,” Ethan retorted.

“So, telling you that I loved you wasn’t enough to give security then?” Charlie asked incredulously.

“You _were_ on your deathbed,” Ethan countered.

Charlie rolled her eyes, but she was smiling when she said, “I love you, Ethan.”

“I love you, too, Charlie.”

It rolled off the tongue so effortlessly that he almost wondered if he remembered to say it at all.

It was so… easy.

He wouldn’t dare say that their relationship was easy, of course. Even with rose-colored glasses, no one would ever think of their path as painless. But loving her was easy – easier than it had been with anyone else before. He didn’t even feel like he had to think about it.

He didn’t doubt it, or himself, or even her when she affirmed her feelings.

Ethan was so used to doubt and self-restraint that he wasn’t sure how to adjust to this feeling, but he wanted to. He wanted to keep this for as long as he possibly could.

And to Charlie’s surprise, hearing “I love you” for the second time did nothing to soften the effect. It was still amazing, still unbelievable. Just as she was the night before, Charlie was overwhelmed by how much she loved Ethan, but now, there was no expiration date of her impending death. She had time with him again – a future even. They could have decades together if they played their cards right.

It was very different to love Ethan without limits.

There was an element of fear lurking beneath her smile. She could recognize it but couldn’t touch it. So, she leaned into the relief and astonishment that they got to have this at all.

Charlie never saw Ethan as the kind of man who would fall in love, but she was happy to be wrong.

Ethan lingered, just staring at her like he was trying to memorize her face. Maybe he was.

“I’m going home for a shower and a change of close,” Ethan admitted reluctantly, “Can I bring you back coffee?”

Charlie was visibly intrigued by the offer. She had always enjoyed coffee, but if Ethan was involved, she _loved_ it. He had never given her a bad cup of coffee, and it was one of the many reasons she loved starting her morning with him.

“Raincheck,” Charlie sighed, “If I have to stay in bed all day, I might as well try to sleep.”

Ethan kissed her temple, “If I catch you trying to work while I’m gone…”

“You’ll be back in less than an hour,” Charlie protested, though she purposefully refrained from acknowledging the subject of his threat.

“I’m serious, Charlotte,” Ethan warned, “You’re a _patient_. If I find anyone trying to give you work, they’ll have hell to pay.”

“Don’t you think you’re being a little ridiculous?” Charlie glared at him as he started to leave, arms crossed across her chest.

“No, actually. I _don’t_ ,” Ethan added finally, closing her door behind him before she could get in another word. Charlie groaned in frustration and fell back to the bed. She knew he was right, of course, but she let herself fume anyways.

When Ethan turned his back to the door, he found the entire night shift staring attentively.

Once they realized he was looking at them, they all floundered to look disinterested and busy. One intern nearly walked into a wall because of how quickly she turned around.

It didn’t take much thought to realize they had been watching him all night and knew that he hadn’t left after his late-night return. He wondered how fast word would spread that he had slept in Dr. Greene’s hospital room. He cringed to think he would be the topic of today’s midday gossip.

Then again, he doubted it was the first time he and Charlie had been the subject of conversation. As much as they kept a low profile, he hadn’t exactly hidden his despair during her illness, nor had he taken any measures to conceal his time spent with her. And even if he didn’t kiss her in the hall or pepper her with compliments, his differential treatment of Charlotte made it clear she meant more than the average resident. That alone was enough to raise eyebrows.

Determined to seem unfazed and instill fear in anyone who dared turn him into a piece of gossip, Ethan straightened his spine and leveled his intense stare at anyone who came in his path. He swore he saw a passing visitor flinch.

Ethan made it home without incident, but he found no comfort in the empty apartment. He missed Charlie’s presence down to the waft of her perfume and her blonde hair in his shower drain. He did everything to make sure he could get back to her as soon as possible, even going as far as to brush his teeth in the shower and eat leftovers to reduce his cooking time. He even made Charlie’s favorite kind of coffee, just in case she changed her mind and wanted a sip. He didn’t much like her coffee – too much cream and sugar, not enough coffee – but he liked that it tasted like her.

Forty-five minutes later, Ethan parked his car in the Edenbrook garage and made a beeline for Charlie’s hospital room. He still had time before his shift began, and he wanted to see her before he started work.

At first, he worried that he was approaching the wrong room.

Two unfamiliar figures loomed over the hospital bed, obscuring the patient. Paused in the doorway, Ethan quickly checked the room number for confirmation, but that only raised more questions. This was the right room, so who were those people? And where was Charlie?

Given enough time, Ethan likely would have come to the obvious conclusion, but mere seconds after he reached the doorway, the two visitors recognized the presence of another person and curiously turned around to see who had joined them.

The second he saw their faces, he knew precisely who they were.

The man had her green eyes and the woman her blonde, curly hair.

These were Charlotte’s parents.

Ethan’s first instinct was to run, but it was too late. The couple had already seen him, and recognizing him as an Edenbrook doctor, they had a million questions to ask. If he left now, it would be bizarre – and a poor first impression to make on his girlfriend’s parents.

Just beyond the couple, Ethan saw Charlie’s stunned expression. She almost seemed to be apologizing for the shock, but if she was trying to share anything more than that, Ethan missed it.

“Are you a doctor here?” the woman asked, looking between Ethan’s white coat and his face.

“Um, yes, I am,” Ethan struggled to seem composed.

He just had to act like this was a regular patient interaction, and in a way, wasn’t it? He had dealt with parents of patients before. He knew how to answer their questions.

But that argument quickly fell through when he remembered he was talking about _Charlie’s parents_.

What did they know about him? What if he slipped up and told them something they didn’t know? What if they already knew and told the whole hospital? What if he made a complete ass out of himself and earned their dislike forever?

“Mom, Dad, this is Dr. Ramsey,” Charlie awkwardly interrupted, “He’s my boss.”

Charlie’s mom looked between her daughter and Ethan as if trying to piece together all the little details she’d offered over the years. Amelia Greene didn’t remember much about Dr. Ramsey, other than she knew he was handsome. When she visited Charlie during her first year, all of Charlie’s roommates emphasized that he was a mean attending. Charlie, however, never had a rude word about him and seemed quite excited when she was offered a position on the diagnostics team.

But if he was on the diagnostics team, then he must have helped cure her daughter.

“Oh!” Amelia exclaimed with recognition. For a moment, everyone in the room thought that Amelia was about to rush across the room and _hug_ Dr. Ramsey, but thank goodness, she stopped herself. Instead, she fell into her husband’s embrace as she offered a heartfelt, “Thank you so much for what you’ve done for our daughter. If you… If your team…” Amelia couldn’t get the words out without a stream of tears, and eventually, when she realized it was too painful to face her daughter’s brush with death, she settled for a thankful smile and leaned further into her husband.

Samuel Greene, offering his wife a comforting squeeze, turned his attention to Ethan and offered an expression so authentic, so unwaveringly thankful and kind that it startled Ethan. Immediately, Ethan saw the resemblance between Samuel and Charlie. They both seemed to be breaming with compassion, always looking for the next person to help. In Charlie, it was an endearing trait. In Samuel, it was intimidating.

Even before Samuel had spoken a word, Ethan already knew what kind of man he was.

He was a _good_ man, the kind everyone liked. He was nothing like Ethan.

And something about that left Ethan daunted.

“Thank you, Dr. Ramsey,” Samuel thanked him, “For all of the work you and your team did for our daughter. There’s nothing I can say to express how grateful we are to have our Charlie with us,” Samuel held out a hand for his daughter, who took it with a soft smile.

For a moment, Ethan watched in awe as this little family rallied together.

And once again, he was intimidated.

“You should thank your daughter,” Ethan coughed awkwardly, “Without her attention to symptoms and reporting, none of this would have been possible.”

Charlie gave Ethan a small, thankful smile for the compliment. Charlie didn’t get to say anything before Amelia gave her daughter a tight squeeze and a big kiss on the cheek, leaving a pink lipstick imprint. Even after a harrowing late-night flight to check on her daughter, Amelia Greene never went out without lipstick.

“How’s she doing?” Samuel asked, taking a step closer to Dr. Ramsey while his wife fought tears and admired her little girl.

This time, when Ethan looked into Samuel’s eyes, he saw a familiar face. It was the one he had seen in the mirror last night – the one that had to drive all the way to Edenbrook just to make sure Charlie was breathing.

“She’s doing well,” Ethan was certain that he needed to assure Samuel of his daughter’s safety, if just to cure that familiar stare, “Astonishingly well. Armed with the antidote, she was clear within a few hours. It was touch and go for a while, but she pulled through. She’s quite determined that way.”

“She is, isn’t she?” Samuel said wistfully, like Charlie’s determination was his favorite trait about her.

For a moment, Ethan’s intimidation settled, and in those spare seconds, he decided that he liked Samuel Greene. Ethan didn’t know much about Charlie’s family – only errant stories and idle complaints – but Samuel seemed to understand his daughter. He valued something in Charlie that Ethan agreed was worth celebrating. Ethan wondered if he had Samuel to thank for all his favorite qualities in Charlie.

“Well, it seems like you’re doing well, Dr. Greene. I’ll be back to run some tests in a few hours,” Ethan announced. He was using his serious, professional voice, so only Charlie could tell something was different about his demeanor. He never looked at patients like he looked like her, and even in the midst of their awkward introductions, she found herself smiling when he looked at her like that…

Charlie’s parents gave Ethan another round of thanks, and then he was on his way.

Ethan felt like he was holding his breath until he was finally in the safety of his office, quiet and unseen. And then he let out a giant sigh and fell into his office chair with wild, overwhelmed eyes.

_He had met Charlie’s parents…_

Overall, he saw no critical flaw in the interaction. He didn’t think he’d done anything egregious enough to make them hate him for the rest of their lives, but he doubted he’d earned any overwhelming approval.

Before this morning, Ethan hadn’t pictured meeting her parents. He had no preconceived notions about them or their relationship, but still, something about this meeting felt wrong.

They seemed to like him now, but that was before they knew he was dating their daughter. Would they change their mind? Would they view him as a pervert abusing his power over Charlie? Would they frown upon his stoic nature? Would they whisper that they hoped Charlie quickly found someone else?

Ethan felt anxious and nauseous, so to quiet both symptoms, he gulped down his coffee and started reading charts to begin his day.

Half an hour later, Charlie finally got a hold of her phone and texted him.

**Charlie: I’m sorry I didn’t warn you.**

**Ethan: Don’t worry about it.**

Ethan put his phone face-down and started working again.

About thirty seconds later, he picked it up again and quickly texted a question.

**Ethan: Did I come off like an asshole?**

**Charlie: No?**

**Ethan: Why did you put a question mark?**

**Charlie: Because that was a weird question to ask**

**Ethan: But did I come off like an asshole?**

**Charlie: Then or now?**

**Ethan: Charlie.**

**Charlie: Fine. No, you didn’t. My mom likes you, so everything is fine.**

_Her mom likes me,_ Ethan thought, feeling rather victorious.

About every five minutes, Ethan would think back to that text and feel very proud of himself.

Of course, Charlie didn’t mention that Amelia had a habit of liking _everyone_. She met very few irredeemable people, and even when she found them, she often gave them a second chance just to be sure.

That was one of the reasons everyone in Edenbrook quickly formed an opinion about Amelia Greene. She was kind and sweet, and she thanked just about everyone who walked into Charlie’s room.

The other reason everyone in Edenbrook formed an opinion about Amelia was that she was the most stubborn woman to walk those halls. Charlie, who was universally regarded as a headstrong woman, couldn’t compare to her mother’s obstinacy. Amelia thought that her daughter deserved the very best care, and if someone wanted to threaten that, she was ready to act. More than once, Charlie had to mouth “sorry” to her coworkers if they crossed Amelia’s warpath.

Samuel didn’t make nearly as large of a scene as his wife, which brought Charlie relief. They shared a few sly, knowing glances but kept them to themselves. Once, he mentioned that he quite liked Dr. Ramsey. It took all of Charlie’s willpower not to pester him with a million questions about his opinion. 

Yes, Charlie wanted both of her parents to approve of Ethan, but she primarily cared about her father’s opinion. Her mother, who craved safety and stability for her daughter, approved of most men who entered Charlie’s life. If they were particularly good, she practically began wedding plans.

But Charlie’s dad reserved his good opinion. He judged each man in Charlie’s life quite harshly, even if he phrased his opinions in softer terms. He thought that Charlie deserved someone who respected her and her career. Anyone who did less was not worth her time.

Charlie had a feeling that Samuel would like Ethan. Or at least, she hoped he would. She itched to know if they had her father’s approval, but she hesitated to ask, given that she hadn’t even told her parents she was dating anyone.

At the end of the day, Charlie’s parents kissed their daughter goodbye and took a cab to their nearby hotel. Her mom offered to stay the night, but her dad convinced her that Charlie needed rest.

Once she was alone, Charlie had a moment of relief, but then…

Then, she missed the company.

She missed Ethan, in particular. She had gone the whole day without any explicit affection, and she found that she craved it. He made it easier to wade through trauma and focus on the present. Without him, she had too many dangerous thoughts she was too afraid to indulge.

She almost texted him once. He almost called her at least a dozen times.

Eventually, he did.

At 11:30, Ethan called her, scotch glass in hand.

She answered on the first ring.

“I’m supposed to be sleeping, Ethan,” Charlie complained unconvincingly.

“Would you like me to hang up?” Ethan challenged, holding his breath and hoping she would say no.

After a beat, she sighed, “So, you can’t sleep?”

“Haven’t tried yet,” Ethan admitted.

Charlie hummed, “Me, either.”

“Are your parents still with you?”

“No, they went to a hotel. My dad nearly had to pry my mom away.”

“Yeah, I’ve heard a few stories about how intense your mother can be,” Ethan was careful not to chuckle. He didn’t want her to think that he was laughing at her mother’s expense, but he had to admit that some of it was humorous. An intern tried to get Charlie to help him with his work, and Amelia gave that kid hell. Ethan both approved of the means and the motive.

Charlie groaned, “You should see her at home. She’s even more ‘intense.’”

“I see where you get it from,” Ethan added good-naturedly. Charlie sighed a self-contemplative sigh as she begrudgingly admitted to herself that she had inherited her mother’s tenacity, “Though, to be fair, I’m not sure how much more ‘intense’ she could get.”

“You should have seen her last summer. She came to visit. After less than 24 hours, she was convinced that I was unhappy and unwell in Boston and needed to transfer somewhere else to avoid all the drama of Edenbrook. The only thing that saved me that week was that she has a huge crush on Bryce.”

“She has a crush on Bryce?” Ethan asked incredulously. Even as he spoke, his brain itched to get back to the other part of the conversation – when her mom wanted her to leave Boston. Ethan didn’t know Charlie ever considered that…

“Still does, a little,” Charlie explained, “Bryce is a big flirt and loves to compliment my mom. My dad thinks it’s funny.”

“Hmm,” Ethan hummed, still very distracted by the concept of her leaving.

“I wasn’t going to move, Ethan,” Charlie affirmed before he even asked the question.

“You weren’t?”

“I’ll admit that I wasn’t in the best of places, but…” Charlie sighed, “Even then, I didn’t want to leave Edenbrook. I promised her I would stay out of trouble this year – which I obviously failed to do – but I’m happy I stayed.”

Ethan felt like a weight was being lifted from his chest, and even more than before, he wanted her here with him.

“I miss you, Charlie.”

Charlie smiled softly, “I miss you, too.”

It was nearly twelve, and though Ethan could have stayed on the phone for hours, he said, “We should get some sleep.”

“Yeah…”

“Love you, Charlie.”

“I love you, too, Ethan.”

Even through the phone, Ethan could hear that she was smiling when she said it, and for a second, his heart felt so full that it hurt.

They said their goodnights, and after another glass of scotch, Ethan forced himself to go to bed.

For the next hour, he tossed and turned. He even tried getting out of bed and wandering his apartment before trying to sleep again, but no luck. Ethan couldn’t sleep. Or rather, he couldn’t sleep without Charlie.

And at 2:30, Ethan gave up.

Before he could talk himself out of it, he got dressed, grabbed his keys, and left his apartment. He drove the familiar path to Edenbrook with ease, and in no time, he parked his car in his usual spot and took the well-traveled path to Charlie’s room.

This time, he didn’t even stop to acknowledge the night shift as they gawked at his late-night presence. If last night hadn’t caused a scandal, surely tonight would.

Ethan was so set on his goal of seeing Charlie that he didn’t pay attention to much else.

Noting that her lights were off, Ethan reasoned that Charlie might be peacefully sleeping, so he made an effort to sneak into her room quickly and quietly.

Still, stirred by the light, Charlie turned over in bed, and squinting under heavy eyelids, she recognized Ethan immediately.

“What are you doing here?” Charlie mumbled.

Ethan crossed the room, choosing to interpret her words as a question and not a complaint, “I couldn’t sleep.”

Charlie groaned, wiping a hand over her sleepy face, “Ethan…”

“I know, I’m sorry,” he apologized half-heartedly, smoothing her hair, “I tried.”

Charlie eyed him suspiciously for a moment, and finally, she sighed.

“I couldn’t sleep either,” Charlie instinctively reached for Ethan’s hand, and he offered it effortlessly. Intertwining their fingers, she reluctantly admitted, “I missed you.”

“Can I stay?” Ethan asked.

He understood if he couldn’t. After all, they had a secret to maintain, but he prayed she would say that he could. Because he couldn’t imagine sleeping a wink without the comforting sound of her breathing next to him…

After a few moments of deliberation, Charlie nodded her head, “Please.”

Ethan pressed a soft, gracious kiss to her lips before pulling a chair to her side. When he was close enough, Charlie held out her hand for him. If she couldn’t sleep directly next to him, she at least wanted to touch him.

He only planned to hold her hand until she fell asleep, but he held it all night.

That was how the sun found them – peacefully asleep and quietly connected.

And that was how Samuel found them.

He and his wife had spent a very restless night at a nearby hotel, and mere moments after the sun rose, they decided to give up on sleep altogether. Amelia made coffee, and they agreed to go to the hospital to check on their daughter. It was nearly deserted when they arrived, and Amelia stopped to ask a nurse when the cafeteria opened so they could have breakfast.

Samuel was alone when he wandered into Charlie’s room, and he was astonished at what he saw.

Yes, he noted _something_ was strange between Charlie and her coworker, but this left little room for interpretation. For a moment, he just stared at them, his eyes lingering on their intertwined hands. He almost woke them up to answer his questions, but before he did, he noticed how peaceful his daughter looked. And Ethan, this stoic stranger, looked practically protective in his sleep – like he had been charged with guarding something of the utmost importance.

That was when Samuel decided that this was something different.

He had the strangest feeling that he was looking at a couple in love. Though he had only seen them interact for mere minutes at a time, he felt quite convinced that this man made his daughter very happy.

So, he stepped out of the room and allowed them to sleep. He convinced his wife that, because Charlie was asleep, they should go out to breakfast and check back on her later in the morning. He knew that, if Amelia discovered the pair, she would ask a million questions and tell everyone she knew. And heaven forbid she _like_ Ethan, she would start planning the wedding on the spot.

This extra time gave Ethan and Charlie enough time to wake and kiss goodbye before they returned. When Samuel greeted his daughter, he gave no indication that he had seen anything.

But he watched for an opportunity to speak with Dr. Ramsey. He wanted to get to know this stranger before he formed any concrete opinions.

He found one at lunch, when he stumbled upon Dr. Ramsey making himself a hot tea and pouring over a medical journal. Samuel approached the diagnostician with a friendly smile and a steaming cup of coffee.

“Dr. Ramsey!” Samuel greeted him, making Ethan jump. There was a flash of panic in Ethan’s eyes, and he quickly tried to settle himself.

“Mr. Greene,” Ethan tried to seem natural, but compared to Samuel’s welcoming disposition, he felt like an asshole.

“Please, call me Samuel,” Samuel put a hand on the chair opposite of Ethan, “Do you mind if I sit?”

Ethan’s eyes widened in horror, but he motioned for Charlie’s father to take the seat. He obliged.

“Interesting journal?” Samuel motioned to the stack of papers in front of Ethan.

“Um, yes,” Ethan stammered, “It’s for, um, – well, it’s in relation to a patient we’re treating.”

“Oh,” Samuel nodded, “I can see why Charlie enjoys this. She always loved mysteries. Even as a kid. I always thought she would be a detective, so when she told me she wanted to be a doctor, I worried I’d put some undue influence on her. I forbid her from shadowing at my practice because I wanted her to explore different interests and not just settle into her father’s footsteps. But Charlie was determined. By the end of the week, she had called up all the doctors in town and had nearly a dozen appointments to shadow.”

Samuel smiled like he was proud of his daughter, and frankly, Ethan was as well. He just wasn’t sure how to – or if he should – express it.

“I was the same way,” Ethan affirmed.

Samuel seemed to like this, but Ethan didn’t know if he was just reading too much into the friendly man in front of him.

“Sorry if I’m talking too much. You know how parents can be,” Samuel paused before purposefully asking, “Do you have a family? Wife? Kids?”

“No,” Ethan squirmed, “Just a dog, Jenner.”

“Charlie loves dogs. I’m sure she would drop anything to take care of him for you,” Samuel took a sip of his coffee.

“I’m pretty sure my dog likes her more than me,” Ethan mumbled mostly to himself, and suddenly realizing he said it out loud, he clarified, “She’s been kind enough to watch him for me when I’m away.”

Samuel nodded thoughtfully, mentally noting Ethan’s insistent clarification, “She’s always loved dogs. When we got our first, I wasn’t so sold on them. Charlie was only about four, and I was nervous. I couldn’t have been much older than you, and I was worried that, with my work schedule, something horrible would happen. But that dog loved her so much. I’m convinced it was just as hellbent on protecting Charlotte as we were.”

 _Couldn’t have been much older than you_.

Samuel’s words rung in Ethan’s ears.

There was something particularly unnerving about knowing how dissimilar they were in such similar circumstances. By Ethan’s age, Samuel had settled down with a wife, a daughter, and a dog. Ethan couldn’t imagine having committed to that much so young. He spent his youth chasing glory and prestige.

Ethan had a nasty thought that he wasn’t what Charlie deserved – that she needed a man who, like her father, knew that he wanted something serious and was willing to commit to it immediately.

Ethan felt ridiculous for comparing himself to Charlie’s father. But even as he tried to reason away the comparison, it lingered.

“I’m quite thankful for you and your team. I don’t presume to know the dynamic, and I don’t want to intrude on Charlie’s career. She’s worked very hard to get where she is,” Samuel prefaced, “So, forgive me if I overstep, but your team stepped up to protect my daughter. I can’t begin to explain what that means to me.”

“We would do anything for her,” Ethan breathed.

It came out so effortlessly that Ethan worried he had accidentally said, _“I would do anything for her.”_ Because that was what he meant.

And Samuel knew that.

That was the moment Samuel made his decision about Ethan.

The rest of the conversation was more of a formality, though it felt like an interview for Ethan. At the end, Samuel thanked Ethan for his time and returned to his daughter’s hospital room. Ethan breathed a sigh of relief once the interrogation was over.

Samuel waited for a few hours to talk to Charlie. He waited until his wife was off running errands, and he took great care in approaching the subject.

“You know, I like Ethan.”

Charlie’s eyes shot to her father.

“Ethan?”

Samuel innocently looked up over his glasses, “Dr. Ramsey.”

Charlie knew exactly who he was without her father’s clarification.

“You like him?” Charlie wanted to sound cool and casual, but she failed at both.

“I do,” Samuel nodded firmly, “Do you like him?”

“Um…” Charlie stumbled on her words, “I mean, I guess.”

Samuel raised an eyebrow but hummed casually.

“Not to step your toes, but I think you two might be a good couple, actually,” Samuel said.

“ _You do_?” Charlie felt like her head was spinning.

 _He likes him?_ she thought, surprised by how relieved it made her feel.

“You’re both intelligent, career-driven, compassionate,” Samuel shrugged, “And Ethan respects you. That means a lot.”

Charlie’s eyes stung with hot tears, and she had to look away to hide how happy she felt.

“But only if you felt safe, of course,” Samuel added, and after a beat, he asked, “ _Do you feel safe?”_

Charlie dropped the pretense of disinterest and nodded, “I do.”

She wasn’t sure how her father figured it out. It was the third time a father figure in their lives figured out their relationship, and she knew her father to be of an oblivious nature. Something dramatic must have happened to make him this convinced, but really, Charlie didn’t care.

Her father liked her boyfriend, and that was enough to focus on.

“Do you really like him?” Charlie asked, just to be sure.

“I’m not sure my opinion matters if you like him, Charlotte.”

“I know, but…” Charlie took a deep breath, “I would just like to know.”

“Yes, I do,” Samuel confirmed, smiling softly like he was pleased to say it, “And your mother would as well, if she knew.”

“So, you didn’t tell her?” Charlie breathed a sigh of relief.

“If your mother knew, all of Boston would know,” Samuel joked, earning a small laugh from his daughter.

Charlie couldn’t sit on the information for long. A few moments later, when Samuel stepped out to get a glass of water, Charlie texted Ethan.

**Charlie: My dad likes you.**

**Ethan: So, both of your parents like me?**

**Ethan: Wait, does that mean they know? Have I been making an ass out of myself this entire time?**

**Charlie: no idea when my dad figured out**

**Ethan: We’re 0/2**

**Charlie: 0/3 if we count Naveen.**

**Ethan: Are we counting Naveen? Does he know? Did he say something to you?**

**Charlie: No, but I doubt he hasn’t figured it out.**

**Ethan: Fair.**

Charlie put her phone down, smiling softly at the messages.

But then she pulled it out and wrote another message.

**Charlie: I love you.**

**Ethan: I love you, too.**


	20. The Memorial

That morning, Ethan had no choice but to discharge Charlie from the hospital.

There was no reason to keep her, even after an unusually thorough final exam. Her vitals were normal, and she hadn’t exhibited any concerning side effects from her treatment in days.

Charlotte Greene had survived. She was in the clear now.

For the first few days, Ethan didn’t let himself dream of such a thing. He didn’t want to be disappointed if she took a turn, and he didn’t want to blind himself in his diagnosis and treatment of her. It was only in the last 48 hours that her discharge had become a real and impending event. Truthfully, he could have released her yesterday. The only reason he didn’t was that she experienced a few headaches he wanted to keep an eye on.

But it wasn’t the headaches, not really.

Ethan kept her in the hospital because, deep down, he doubted she was ready to leave.

Charlie seemed fine – sometimes, on a good day, even normal. But there was a haunting in her gaze, a lingering ghost in every movement. Something unresolved and untouched hid in every interaction.

The truth was that they neglected her psychological healing, placing all of their emphasis on her physical improvement. Each of her loved ones denied this to themselves, of course. They showered her with support and affection, and when she had those moments where she seemed lost in something, they stayed with her until she found her way back.

But they hadn’t touched the root of it.

They hadn’t had the courage, nor the stamina.

They didn’t know if they avoided it for themselves or for her. The free days – the one where she wasn’t thinking about her tragedy – were the best. She was a model victim, full of energy and strength. She made jokes from the confines of her hospital bed and offered warm smiles to comfort her loved ones.

Her parents left Boston confident that their daughter would make it through. Even when her father harbored doubts, he looked to Ethan to protect her.

But Ethan knew.

Somewhere, deep down, he _knew_.

He observed as if surveying her for cracks in the façade.

Even now, as Charlie collected her things from the hospital room in preparation to leave, he studied her. She seemed happy. She _felt_ happy, but Ethan wasn’t sure if she was.

“You’re pouting,” Charlie commented playfully as she picked up her jeans and started to shimmy into them. Sienna had been kind enough to bring her a fresh set of clothes from the apartment so that Charlie didn’t have to leave in the scrubs she wore when disaster struck. Sienna had been more than happy to do it. It gave her a sense of power, that she could do something for Charlie after feeling powerless during her suffering.

“I don’t pout,” Ethan murmured, taking a seat in the free chair. He was, of course, still pouting.

“Well, _I’m_ happy,” Charlie commented as she continued dressing, “I’m finally free, and I’m counting down the hours until I can finally take a shower in my own shower. I never thought I would miss water pressure this much.”

Charlie had a whole list like this – full of tiny luxuries and familiar habits that she missed. Some of them she already had plans to satisfy, like the shower and her coffee maker. Some were more abstract, like dinners with her friends and hearing Sienna hum during their morning routine. There was one she wouldn’t take a “no” on, which was that she intended to spend the night in Ethan’s bed no matter what happened today.

Right now, the world was full of possibilities, and after so long, she could finally reach for them again.

Ethan felt guilty for what he would say next, but he was also confident it had to be said.

“Will you be attending the memorial today?”

He watched the crack in her sunny day take shape and splinter her soft smile.

Charlie froze, and a cold, cold realization washed over her. It froze everything it touched until it reached her bones. Nothing was safe from its icy grasp.

It was a warm room, Charlie _knew_ it was. And so, she pretended she wasn’t cold, even if her teeth felt like chattering.

“Is that today?”

Charlie knew it was today, but she asked just to be sure.

“Yes, at 3:30 pm.”

Charlie nodded, instinctively rubbing her arm as she tried to channel the warmth and happiness she felt only moments ago. It was coming back – so very, very slowly.

“You don’t have to go, you know,” Ethan ventured carefully.

As he expected, Charlie’s eyes shot to him with an expression that could only be described as surprise and disgust. She _had_ to go. Those men died for her!

They…

They died for her.

Charlie felt knocked back, and afraid Ethan would see it, she shook her head and turned her gaze to her jeans as she buttoned the top.

“I have to go, Ethan.”

“No, you don’t.”

They’d had this conversation last night, and even if Ethan knew he would lose, it felt imperative to try.

“ _Ethan_.”

“Rafael Aveiro isn’t going.”

“Because he wasn’t medically cleared to go. That’s not the same.”

“Everyone would understand, Charlie.”

“ _I_ wouldn’t understand, Ethan,” Charlie insisted, “I have to go, for me.”

Ethan knew this was a terrible idea. He wasn’t sure why or specifically what would happen, but he knew Charlotte Greene should never step foot inside that memorial.

But there wasn’t much he could do. He knew Charlie very well, and if she intended to go, there was nothing he could do to stop her. Even if he demanded she avoid it and threw up barriers, she would overcome each obstacle with a vengeance. She was a stubborn woman with conviction, a damning combination.

All he could really do was make sure she didn’t do it alone.

“Alright,” Ethan conceded, earning a look of shock from his girlfriend, “Go home. Get some rest. I’ll come by to pick you up.”

Charlie squirmed, surprised by how easily he’d given up the fight. It gave her a moment of pause, and at that moment, she wondered if she was making the right decision. But then the thought faded, and her certainty returned.

_She owed it to Bobby and Danny…_

“Do you want a ride home?” Ethan offered, still a bit nervous about letting her out of his sight today, “I have time to take you, if you want.”

 _He’s scared_ , she realized quietly.

It was startling to see, though the sight was not unfamiliar.

Seeing fear now felt wrong. This was their happy ending, wasn’t it?

Charlie crossed the room to reach her boyfriend, who watched her in silence. When she studied him, she noted the exhaustion and the concern etched into his handsome face. Between his eyebrows, a firm wrinkle of unease sat. She gently smoothed it with her thumb and hoped that was enough to settle it. Ethan recognized her attempt at assurance and comfort, but he didn’t feel like he deserved them.

He was supposed to take care of her, not the other way around.

But really, they needed it equally.

They were two shattered people fumbling to put themselves back together.

“I’ve missed walking,” Charlie politely refused his offer. Ethan wasn’t terribly surprised she did.

“You have my number if you need me,” Ethan reminded her, and something warm settled in her heart, a break from the bone-chilling sadness.

She loved him so, so much.

“I’ll be fine, Ethan,” Charlie said with the upmost confidence.

Ethan raised a questioning eyebrow.

“I will be!” Charlie insisted.

“It’s okay if you’re not,” Ethan declined to confirm her assertion. He couldn’t in good conscience assure her when he didn’t believe her.

Charlie wished he would anyway.

She made a show of rolling her eyes like she was amused with his overconcern. Ethan wasn’t impressed with the display.

It didn’t take long for Charlie to finish dressing and collect her things. When she was done, there was nothing left to keep her in this hospital.

They hesitated at the door and watched one another to see who would make the first move to leave.

Instead, Ethan kissed Charlie softly, whispering, “Goodbye, Charlie.”

She smiled into his lips, “I can’t wait to kiss you somewhere outside of this hospital.”

Ethan grinned. He felt a profound sense of relief that she would make it out of this building. His wonderful Charlie could do anything with this independence. She would continue to exist, even out of his line of sight. She was no longer a fixture in this hospital, nor a victim to gawk at during rounds.

She was free.

They were both free.

Ethan wasn’t sure what came over him. It could only be explained as an instinct to run. He was sure they had to. He was convinced that they were up against a tragic, impending disaster and that they needed to leave while they still had time.

“Why don’t we run away?” Ethan asked.

“What?” Charlie laughed, but the severity of his expression made her smile falter.

“I’m serious. Let’s run away, right now.”

“You’re at work,” Charlie cautioned with confusion.

“So? I doubt anyone would begrudge our departure after everything we’ve been through,” Ethan decided, “We’ll just go somewhere – anywhere you want – and come back whenever the hell we want to.”

Ethan wanted Charlie to say yes more than he’d wanted anything. He wanted this more than he wanted her to say yes to his offer at a relationship all those months ago. Really, he didn’t just want it. He _needed_ it. It felt like the only way to quell his growing anxiety and avoid pain and tragedy. It was the only way to protect her.

But Charlie wasn’t the kind to run away.

She was the kind to try, even if it broke her.

It was one of the reasons Ethan loved her, but it was also one of the reasons she scared the hell out of him.

Placing a comforting hand on his cheek, Charlie kissed her nervous boyfriend softly and told him, “I’ll see you in a few hours, okay?”

She never gave an explicit answer to his offer, but her aversion was answer enough to disappoint Ethan.

“Okay,” Ethan conceded weakly, kissing her forehead one last time.

When she walked away, Ethan wondered if he was worrying all for nothing.

She looked strong. She looked healthy. She even looked happy.

But something told him that she wasn’t, and against his best wishes, he trusted it.

Charlie left Edenbrook to a relieved fanfare. Everyone wished her well and showered her in comfort and adoration. A few of the nurses who had stayed with her this week took turns giving her goodbye hugs. When they held her, a quiet thought wondered if they just wished they could hug Danny. A pair of rowdy interns cheered when she walked by, but Zaid silenced them with a glare. Sienna paused her rounds just to give Charlie a big, tight hug.

It was a powerful and cheerful time.

But then she was at the front door of Edenbrook, and Charlie hesitated.

She felt almost contained to Edenbrook, like something would break if she exited.

It was an irrational fear, of course. That’s what she told herself when she finally made that first step on the sidewalk.

_They never made it out._

Charlie felt the air get knocked out of her chest at the mere thought.

But that was ridiculous. It was a _thought_ – and an intrusive one at that.

She wouldn’t let it stop her.

_What makes you so deserving to get out?_

Charlie gritted her teeth and fought the thoughts as she took another step.

They didn’t stop, though. At every block, there was something new – some horrific image in her mind, some intrusive thought, or some terrible memory.

She heard it in the voices of strangers on the street, but every time she looked over at them, they hadn’t really said a thing. They observed her wild, scared expression with a sense of concern and avoidance. More than one stranger took a few steps away when she looked at them.

They weren’t talking to her. Charlie knew that.

Still… little snippets of their conversations twisted into dark, terrible words.

_“They deserved life more, you bitch.”_

_“You only lived because you’re a coward.”_

_“Would you have even saved them, if you could? Or are you too selfish?”_

Even the beep of a cell phone brought her back to the horrible, irregular beep of Raf’s heartbeat monitor that night.

It followed her.

It was everywhere.

The anxiety started in her chest, but it spread through her body like an infection.

Like the infection that should have killed her.

Charlie fought it. She rebelled against the thoughts and battled the improbability of the dreadful words. She went in and out of panic in a series of disorienting flashes.

She didn’t always know where she was.

Once, she looked around the group surrounding her as they walked the crosswalk, and she wondered how she got here. Where had she been? Where was she going?

Then, it came back. She remembered again, and she pretended she never forgot.

Somehow, she made it home.

She was relieved to see her building. Quietly, she recognized that it was a miracle she navigated so well when her grip on reality felt fragile. But she pretended that nothing was wrong. Of course, she got home. She was normal, after all. Those were just bad thoughts and bad moments. It didn’t have to mean anything.

Then she realized she was just _staring_ at her building.

She made no moves to go inside. She didn’t even fish her keys out of her purse.

Something in there was a threat, and she couldn’t go home yet.

She started walking away with no real plan. First, she thought she would just stop at a nearby coffee shop, drink an espresso, and then go back to normal. But she walked past the coffee shop and kept walking. She wasn’t sure where she was going.

A mile later, she finally decided.

Half an hour later, Charlie knocked at Rafael’s front door. Within seconds, Rafael’s grandmother opened the door with overwhelming exuberance. Charlie hardly had a moment to process Juliana at all before she was pulled into a big, tight hug.

The affection, if just for the moment, knocked Charlie out of her fog.

Juliana ushered Charlie inside with offers of drinks and snacks.

“Oh, thank you, but this is all too much,” Charlie insisted.

“Nonsense!” Juliana exclaimed, pushing a plate in Charlie’s direction, “You saved my beautiful boy. Nothing is too much for you!”

“Your beautiful boy saved _me_ ,” Charlie asserted with a bit of guilt. She wasn’t a hero. She didn’t deserve all of this.

A gentle creak of a door alerted Charlie to Rafael’s presence, and he sheepishly corrected, “We saved each other.”

When Charlie looked in his direction to greet him, Rafael knew.

Something was wrong.

He couldn’t put his finger on it, but something in her eyes was amiss, even pained.

Charlie finally caved and accepted a dessert. Juliana, however, wasn’t satisfied and began packing her a tin of goodies to take home.

While she was a few feet away, Rafael took a few tentative steps towards his friend.

“How are you?” Charlie asked when he was close enough.

Rafael shrugged, “I can make it up the stairs without wheezing, which is an improvement.”

Charlie nodded slowly, “And Sora?”

“Definitely over,” Rafael confirmed, “But I think it’s for the best. You and Ethan?”

Charlie thought back to their night in quarantine, when Rafael implored her to tell Ethan how she felt. She was happy to have taken his advice.

“I told him I loved him. He told me he loved me, too. Naturally, I cried,” Charlie smiled, but it didn’t quite reach her eyes, “I don’t think he believed me until the next day, though. Something about deathbed confessions not being as meaningful.”

“At least it worked out for one of us,” Rafael smiled playfully.

He was watching Charlie, though. She realized it during a pause in their conversation. She felt studied, and she wondered what he saw.

Whatever he interpreted couldn’t have been good because, after a beat, he asked her to join him on his walk. Just as Ethan had hours before, Rafael regarded Charlie with concern.

Charlie accepted.

They navigated Rafael’s neighborhood largely in silence. The silence invited the fog back, and by the time they reached the park, Charlie felt like she was fighting against wet sand to keep moving. She was almost as exhausted as Rafael as they collapsed into a nearby bench.

Charlie felt like Rafael was the only person in the world who might understand what she couldn’t yet put a name to. But given the opportunity, she was too afraid to ask. If she asked, it would be real, and she wasn’t ready for it to be real.

“I never asked how you were,” Rafael said pointedly.

“Are you asking now?” Charlie asked, looking ahead at the park instead of her friend.

“I am.”

Charlie thought for a moment – maybe too long of a moment, really.

“My reports say I’m perfectly healthy,” Charlie finally answered.

“That’s wasn’t quite what I asked,” Rafael seemed amused like he had expected her to evade him.

Charlie rolled her eyes at his smirk, but it was a show. She just wanted to seem amused, too.

She opened her mouth to speak, but no words came.

He gave her time, allowing the silence to stretch until she finally had the strength.

“Does it stay like this?”

Rafael raised an eyebrow in silent question, and she let the façade slip just enough for him to know what she meant.

Charlie wanted Rafael to tell her that, while he felt what she feels now, it eased over time. Being home helped him become whole again. The thoughts and the panic would subside if she just waited.

But Rafael told her the truth instead.

“Yes,” he admitted, “I feel it every second. Sometimes, I feel like it’s harder at home. I wake up at home with my family and my _life_. And they… they don’t.”

His words crushed Charlie, and she sank further into the bench.

“Do you feel like it’s everywhere?” her voice was so soft, so scared that it shook Rafael to his core, “Like… if you’re just walking down the street, do you feel like you hear the bad thoughts? The ones that remind you of what happened.”

Rafael looked terrified.

He was, he realized belatedly.

Not just for himself and his trauma but for her and hers.

“Sometimes,” Rafael confirmed, “I feel it mostly in the pain… When my body aches and fails to do easy things, I’m so angry and then… Then, I remember why and what happened – and that Bobby and Danny only felt the pain in the end.”

Charlie grimaced, and she held onto the bench until her fingers turned white, fighting the wave of pain that followed the mental image. She looked pale and on the verge of collapse when she finally opened her eyes again.

“Don’t go today,” Rafael warned.

“I have to,” Charlie swallowed, “I couldn’t save them… I might as well honor them.”

Rafael didn’t have much of a counterargument, so he didn’t give one. He understood. In a lot of ways, he felt the same about the memorial. He, unlike Charlie, had been saved by his precarious health. He didn’t have to make that choice. He was relieved, even if he felt a twinge of cowardice for not even trying to go.

When Rafael didn’t try to stop her, their conversation fell into a lull.

The silence was nice.

Neither of them expected anything from the other.

They didn’t have to pretend to be okay…

Maybe they should have stayed.

But they didn’t.

Charlie, looking at her watch, realized she was running out of time. When she told Rafael that she had to go, she looked normal again – strong, even. Like she was clothed in armor. Like, maybe, if you squinted, you didn’t have to worry about her.

Rafael wished her well, and she started to leave.

“Wait, Charlie,” Rafael called out before she got too far away.

Charlie stopped, turning to him with an expectant expression.

“Thank you for making it out of that room.”

Her heart stopped, and her eyes watered.

They were supposed to be dead, and her heart burst with how happy she was that he was alive.

“Thank you for making it out, too,” Charlie was sure she had never meant a thank you as strongly as she meant that one.

He smiled softly, and then she left.

This time, when she reached her apartment, she had the courage to step inside.

It was… eerily the same.

Like this apartment was magically immune to all of the pain and trauma.

Something echoed in the halls, something she couldn’t yet touch.

The thoughts were distant though, but… so was everything else.

Charlie tried to put her life back together. She unpacked her things, cleaned her room, and started a pot of coffee. The entire time, she struggled to keep moving. She kept finding little moments of lost time. Alone, they were strange, but together, they were terrifying.

She _knew_ her surroundings, yet something about them felt strange. She knew where she was, what she was doing, and what she was supposed to do next. But the haze…

It surrounded her.

It was everywhere but somehow out of sight.

She never saw it coming, but when she snapped out of it, she realized it had enveloped her.

She was empty, but the thoughts were finally quiet.

She felt nothing, but at least she didn’t feel the torture.

Charlie kept going because Charlie was the kind to _always_ keep going.

When she turned on the shower, she was fighting to stay here, to stay aware. She wanted to stay.

The water was hot, obscenely so. The shock to her system burned more than just her skin. Her mind felt like it was ablaze, and finally, Charlie felt herself again. She didn’t know how much she missed her awareness until it was back. She turned the water hotter to keep feeling it.

Then…

She was back in the hospital – in the burning hot shower after she was released from quarantine. She was alone washing off the sweat and grime of that hospital room. She used shower products that weren’t hers, that didn’t smell or feel like her. She was alive. But who else was?

She was a lone survivor. She was the final girl. She was the lucky one.

Charlie screamed.

No. No, Charlie _really screamed_.

She was back in her apartment, and she was screaming.

She caught her breath, reaching for slippery tiles to find her balance.

She slid. Or maybe she sat down.

But she was on the shower floor, knees pulled to her chest as she begged for fresh air.

She sat on that shower floor, hoping for a miracle. She put faith in everything.

In the water, that it would wash away her pain.

In the air, that it would allow her to exhale her guilt.

In her body, that it would remember how to stand again.

But gasping through the water, she just felt like she was drowning.

Then…

When it was too much, when it was _all too much_ , it stopped.

Like a warm, protective hug, her brain shielded her.

And then it was over.

What felt like seconds later, there were loud knocks at her front door. They were jarring and set her free from wherever she had been.

Charlie looked around frantically, trying to remember where she was.

The shower was still running, through the water was less hot now.

Everything looked the same, but…

But the sun was lower.

Charlie scrambled for a towel and turned off the shower. She fumbled for her phone on the counter, and her heart sank.

An hour.

She had lost an hour.

The knocking started again, and Charlie didn’t have the time to process what her lost hour meant. Still trying to get her bearings right, Charlie went to the front door and swung it open to find out who the fuck was so insistent about getting inside.

It was… Ethan.

And he was dressed in a suit.

Why was he-?

_The memorial._

Ethan watched as her eyes widened in understanding and then panic.

He didn’t know what to think or how to interpret her apparent confusion. She was soaking wet still, as if she had just gotten out of the shower, and her skin was bright red, like it had been burned by the water. She looked…

Confused.

And scared.

Ethan immediately knew that something was wrong.

“Charlie, are you okay?” he broached carefully, taking a step toward her. He wanted to hold her, but she looked fragile…

“Yeah, I just, um… I was just…” Charlie stammered, “What time is it?”

“Three,” Ethan answered.

“What?” Charlie felt a wave of nausea. The memorial was at 3:30.

Ethan surveyed her again, taking in every clue like she was a mystery to be solved.

The wet hair. The confusion. The panic. The inability to explain.

What was it?

How did he help her?

“Charlie, why don’t you know what time it is?” Ethan asked cautiously, placing his hands carefully on either shoulder. She was hot to the touch.

“I, um, I was just in the shower,” Charlie answered. She felt like her mind was sludge, and words were nearly impossible to string together, “I must have zoned out and lost track of time.”

“For how long, Charlotte?”

Charlie dropped her eye contact and shrugged.

He leaned closer, pushing her soaking wet curls out of her face, “Rookie, _please_. How long?”

Her green eyes were full of fear as she finally admitted, “An hour.”

Ethan’s chest tightened, and he let out a horrified, terrified huff of breath. Instinctively, he pulled her in, tucking her safely in his chest where he knew she was okay.

She told herself she didn’t know why he was doing this. It just a little bit of time – only a little scary. More confusing than anything.

But she fell into his arms like she needed it because she did.

Ethan didn’t care that she got his suit wet.

He only cared that he had her.

“We’re not going today, Charlie,” Ethan decided authoritatively, “We’re _not_.”

“Ethan!”

“ _You’re_ not,” Ethan said more firmly.

“I have to be there!”

“No, no, you _don’t,”_ Ethan pulled away just enough to look at her so she would know how intensely he meant this, “You do not need to go, Charlie. You need to make it through today. I’m not letting you do this to yourself just because you feel some obligation. Charlotte Greene, you owe your survival to no one.”

He knew she didn’t believe him by the way she averted her eyes.

“I have to go,” she insisted forcefully.

“No,” Ethan shook his head, reaching for her hand determinedly, “Come on, let’s get you dressed.”

He started to pull her to her bedroom, but she remained firm.

“ _Please,_ Ethan,” she pleaded.

Ethan felt a moment of pause.

The way she looked at him… like she needed this, like she needed him to let her have this.

His heart broke.

His beautiful, wonderful Charlie was in so much pain.

And he caved.

He caved because he wanted to make it go away so, so badly that he was willing to make a thousand mistakes.

He grimaced but consented, “Fine. But we still need to get you dressed.”

Getting dressed, like everything else, was hard.

Charlie struggled against her mental fog, and as a result, she moved slowly. She was frustrated as she tried to push through her shortened routine. Even just putting her hair into a braid felt like a monumental task, and she cursed under her breath.

Why couldn’t she just be okay?!

Ethan stepped in before she could get too irritated. He helped her finish the braid and secured it behind her back. He found her dress hanging on the door and helped her step into it. He hesitated after he finished with the zipper, wondering once more if he should stop her before it was too late.

“I’ll be okay,” Charlie whispered, watching his hesitation in the mirror.

Ethan didn’t believe her.

Instead, he kissed the side of her head and whispered, “I love you, Charlie.”

She smiled – a real one. A tired one, but a real one.

Ethan found her shoes on the bed, and he held her hand for stability as she stepped into her high heels.

Then, she was ready…

And he had to take her.

Ethan didn’t leave her side, not for a single second. Not when they parked at the cemetery and were surrounded by friends and coworkers. Not when people tried to call him over to give their condolences. Not when Charlie’s friends surrounded and showered her in support.

Especially not when Danny and Bobby’s families greeted her and thanked her for all she did to try to save them. Not after, when they stepped away, Charlie collapsed into his side, tears running down her face.

He never left her.

Ethan held her hand the entire time. He didn’t give a shit who saw or what they said.

It was a relief when the service began, and everyone stopped crowding her. They stood in the back, where no one cared when Ethan put his arm around Charlie’s waist to hold her up. It was a lovely service – lighthearted but reverent. There were heartwarming stories and cheerful anecdotes. Bright, shining moments of joy were followed by waves of grief and anger.

When the families stepped up to the podium and began to speak, Charlie absently whispered to Ethan, “I think I’m supposed to speak…”

Ethan thought that was a terrible idea.

But out of respect for her grieving process, he asked, “Do you want to?”

Charlie considered it.

In her pocket, she had a piece of paper where she’d scribbled thoughts last night. It was full of platitudes and grief, even an admission that she couldn’t save them.

She couldn’t say it. She couldn’t say _any of it_.

She couldn’t even hear it.

“I think I want to go home,” she replied.

Ethan nodded thoughtfully, squeezing her waist reassuringly, “Okay. I’ll tell Naveen, and then we’ll go.”

Charlie nodded weakly and missed his warmth the second he stepped away. A minute later, Ethan returned to guide her back to the parking lot. They slipped away quietly. Only a few people noticed, and they were respectful enough to not say a word.

In the car, Ethan held her hand.

The fog was back and even stronger.

Charlie was silent. At times, she felt like the only thing keeping her connected to reality was Ethan holding her hand.

Ethan took her back to his apartment, where he knew she would be safe and free from well-meaning mourners and friends. He held her in the elevator and regretted letting her go to unlock his front door. Ethan had never been more relieved by Jenner’s love than when he saw Jenner shower his girlfriend with affection, allowing her to crack a small smile.

Ethan left Charlie and Jenner in the living room to change out of his wet jacket.

Alone for the first time since he found Charlie, he drowned in awareness. _His Charlie…_

He almost cried. He _wanted_ to cry. He wanted to release this. He wanted to go back to the hospital, where he and Charlie slept quietly and smiled from across rooms.

He didn’t want to grieve.

Neither did she.

He had to protect her. He had to save her. And he didn’t know how.

Ethan sat on the corner of his bed, waiting for an epiphany.

Instead, he found Charlie standing in the doorway.

“Are you okay?” Charlie asked quietly.

Ethan shook his head resolutely, “No. Are you?”

Charlie let out a deep, deep breath.

“Not at all.”

Ethan laughed at the honesty. She had been lying to him all day, and hearing the truth was nearly funny when it was so glaringly obvious.

“You should have made me run away with you,” Charlie grumbled, kicking off her shoes as she walked into his room. She fell into his bed like it was the only place she felt safe.

But really, did she even feel safe there?

Ethan placed a comforting hand on her back and drew a soothing pattern with his fingertips, “We still can.”

Charlie sighed, her eyes closing just a little, “Right now, I just want to stay in this bed.”

“You always liked my bed,” Ethan observed, kissing the top of her head. He kicked off his shoes and then fell back into bed beside her, turning his body to face her.

“It’s because you’re usually in it,” Charlie mused.

Her eyes were closed with Ethan decided to wrap his arms around her, tucking her head safely in his chest. She fit in his arms like he was designed to hold her…

When she looked up at him again, there was something raw hidden in the green of her iris.

“I almost lost you,” she said it like it was a revelation, one she hadn’t let herself think of since that night.

“I think it’s more accurate to say I almost lost you,” Ethan suggested.

“I’m serious, Ethan.”

“So am I.”

Charlie hadn’t allowed those kinds of thoughts or memories to permeate her life. She hadn’t wanted to be sad, but…

They happened.

They were real.

They followed her anyway.

“I woke up, and you weren’t there,” Charlie said, more to herself than to Ethan, “I was relieved. I missed you, but… I didn’t…”

Something was stabbing her.

Something inside. Something sharp and terrible and scary and it was here.

“I didn’t want you to watch me die,” she said in one breath, just to get it the fuck out of her.

She needed it out. She needed all of it out. It was trapped. It was torturing her. It was going to kill her.

She couldn’t breathe.

Or maybe she could…

She panted, trying to just fucking decide.

The fog was gone. The haze left.

And she was there, and she felt it. She felt all of it.

Nothing came to save her from the feeling.

She wanted to scream again, but it came out as a mighty, aching cry. She devolved into uncontrollable, body-shaking sobs.

The cracks in her perfect, sunny day splintered and shattered the illusion. There was nothing to hold on to now… It was just rain.

No, she was wrong.

There was one thing to hold on to.

And she held onto him just as tightly as he held on to her.

Ethan wasn’t going to let go, so Charlie let herself fall.


	21. The Cabin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a surprise visit from Naveen, Ethan and Charlie decide to get out of the city and drive up to Naveen’s cabin for some peace and quiet after the memorial.

Ethan woke to gradual light spreading through his bedroom, signaling a new morning. Yesterday, the sunrise felt different. It was hopeful, then. Even with all of Ethan’s doubts, he was optimistic yesterday. That feeling was replaced with complete disregard for morning and the sun and the curtains holding the sunlight back.

All Ethan cared about was Charlie.

She was all he could look at, too.

With her back to him, he had no proof she was awake, but he felt sure she was. Still, she made no movements and no sound. She seemed to be somewhere else entirely.

Ethan thought that watching his girlfriend collapse under the weight of her trauma would be the worst experience of his life. Now, he wasn’t so sure. Watching her go numb was far more terrifying.

“Charlie,” Ethan whispered, placing a concerned hand on her shoulder as he leaned towards her. He was relieved that she shifted slightly to acknowledge him, though he frowned at the confirmation that she had been awake all along. Ethan kissed the back of Charlie’s head as he whispered, “I’m going to make some coffee. Do you want any?”

Charlie loved his coffee.

She frequently teased him that she only spent the night with him so he would make her coffee in the morning.

But this morning, Charlie gave a weak shake of her head and murmured, “No.”

Before he could inquire about breakfast, Charlie pulled the blanket up under her chin and buried her face deeper in the pillow. Ethan knew she didn’t plan on falling asleep, but he felt silenced, nonetheless.

Ethan leaned back against the mattress, struggling to accept her dismissal. It took considerable effort not to keep trying – to keep talking to her, keep asking her questions, or just keep pressing her until she gave him something in return. He wanted to fix her so desperately that he itched to push her out of her daze.

He knew better than to do it, though.

He’d watched her go into the haze the night before. It was a slow and painful descent. When she finally stopped crying and aching, she just went cold in his arms. Sentences became shorter. Words were fewer. Even direct eye contact turned rare. She took a shower, put on clothes to sleep in, got in bed, and that was it. Ethan practically had to force her to eat dinner.

Charlie seemed perfectly satisfied to just… _exist_ in this. 

She wasn’t ready to fight or push through. Right now, she was waiting for the pain to settle into something manageable and survivable. If she needed to disappear for a bit, Ethan couldn’t blame her.

Against his instincts, Ethan kissed her shoulder and whispered, “I’ll be right back,” into her hair.

She said nothing in response.

Ethan tried to carry on normally. It was hard, of course. It was one thing to keep going while she was in the hospital. There was a mission for him to focus on. He needed to help Charlie heal, but now, he had done that – not particularly well, in retrospect. Ethan felt responsible for her suffering, and to punish himself, he entertained a thousand “what ifs.”

He was distracted.

So distracted he didn’t realize he burned the coffee until the smell startled him out of his head.

“Fuck,” Ethan muttered, taking the pot of coffee to the sink. He dumped it unceremoniously and clumsily, getting the dark liquid all over his counter. A few stray droplets managed to burn his feet as it ran off the marble.

Ethan strung together at least a hundred obscenities as he jumped back. He threw a towel at the mess, too frustrated to make an effort at wiping the coffee up.

Instead, he collapsed into his kitchen island. He held his head in his hands, taking a series of breaths to calm himself. He didn’t feel much calmer, though. If anything, he felt like it was all building – the tragedy, the frustration, the helplessness. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do, but he felt like it was his responsibility to fix it all.

 _Click_.

Ethan’s attention was stolen by the sound of his front door’s lock turning. He knit his eyebrows in confusion and moved towards the door. He didn’t seem too concerned with the apparent intruder, however. His morning was bad enough that he doubted he would care if it got much worse.

Moments later, Naveen’s friendly but shocked smile appeared in the doorway.

“Oh, you’re home,” Naveen expressed his pleasant surprise.

“And _you’re_ in my home,” Ethan observed, crossing his arms against his chest as he moved back to the kitchen.

Naveen had been carrying a key to Ethan’s apartment for half a decade. Ethan wasn’t terribly stunned to see him.

“I didn’t mean to disturb,” Naveen explained, closing the door behind him. He took Ethan’s apparent disinterest as an invitation to stay, “I wasn’t sure where you ended up last night and wanted to check on Jenner.

Ethan’s eyebrow quirked up at the implication of where he “ended up” the night before, but he didn’t specifically address it. Instead, he waved the whole explanation off and asked, “Would you like a cup of coffee?”

“Smells like you already have one failed roast,” Naveen teased, “That’s not like you.”

“One of those days,” Ethan grumbled, turning his attention to the process of starting a new pot.

Naveen hummed in agreement as he strolled towards the kitchen island.

“Have you spoken to Charlie since the memorial?” Naveen asked.

When he first entered, Naveen considered waiting to ask until a more natural pause in the conversation, but he was worried for his young friend. He’d only seen Charlie for a few moments during the memorial. Even before Ethan approached him to say that he was taking Charlie home early, Naveen was worried for Charlie.

Of course, Naveen knew Ethan _had_ spoken to Charlie. Asking was only a formality.

Ethan had practically been her bodyguard the day before, and there were rumors he’d slept in the hospital every night while she was a patient. No matter what he said, Ethan was firmly entangled in the resident’s life.

Naveen knew he would be. Last spring, when he saw them together for the first time, he knew they wouldn’t be able to shake each other. He’d even placed a few well-meaning bets after Ethan got back from the Amazon on when he’d be caught in a compromising position with Dr. Greene.

“I have,” Ethan confirmed but failed to elaborate.

“How she doing?”

Ethan froze and took a long, sobering breath. He shook off the feeling of helplessness and poured two cups of coffee, shoving one in Naveen’s direction.

“She’s doing as well as we can hope for,” Ethan said finally.

Naveen nodded understandingly, and out of respect for his friend, he continued to drink the unusually bad cup of coffee.

“So, she’s here then?” Naveen asked nonchalantly.

Ethan nodded, casting a casual glance in the direction of the spare bedroom to misdirect Naveen. Nonetheless, they both knew she spent the night in his bed.

“Sleeping. After the memorial, I thought she could use some quiet,” Ethan explained.

Naveen nodded like he understood, and in a way, he did. Ethan and Charlie both needed a place to heal. If they felt safe doing it in Ethan’s apartment, who was Naveen to begrudge them their space?

Though, Naveen wasn’t sure if Ethan was trying very hard to heal himself. Of course, he wanted to heal Charlie. That was apparent in nearly everything he did. But Naveen saw no signs of self-care or even an acknowledgment of his own trauma.

Naveen wondered if Ethan just hid it because he thought it might expose some “secret” affair with Charlie.

That was a decent theory. It certainly fit into Ethan’s sense of propriety, but Naveen didn’t quite buy it.

No, Naveen suspected that Ethan refused to acknowledge and touch his pain out of fear he would have to feel it again.

“How are you?” Naveen asked his friend pointedly.

“I’ll survive,” Ethan shrugged noncommittally, chugging his coffee so he didn’t have to keep tasting how bad it was.

Naveen wasn’t impressed with Ethan’s answer, but Ethan made no move to adapt to the disapproval. He was too old to change just because of a disappointed glance. Besides, if he could make everything better that easily, he would have already done so by now.

“Well, if you or Charlie ever feel like you need to get out of the city,” Naveen reached in his pocket and produced a spare key, “the cabin’s yours. Go up for as long as you want. I think it’ll be good for Charlie to get out of Boston for a while. You, too. Besides, she needs someone to make sure she’s alright.”

Ethan stared at the key for just a beat too long.

He was intrigued by the offer – and relieved that Naveen had given him a reason to go with her without requiring some declaration of Ethan’s affection.

But could he say yes?

“I don’t know,” Ethan said warily.

“Just take the key and think about it,” Naveen shoved it in Ethan’s direction a bit more forcefully, and finally, his protégé accepted.

“Thank you, Naveen.”

Naveen waved him off as he stood from the barstool, notably leaving the terrible cup of coffee relatively untouched on the counter. He offered his friend a warm, comforting smile, and just for that moment, Ethan felt like everything would be okay.

“Don’t mention it,” Naveen assured him as he moved towards the door. With his hand on the doorknob, Naveen paused in the doorframe and then addressed Ethan, “If you need me, just call me, okay?”

“Will do,” Ethan pledged.

Naveen smiled one last time before he left.

It was an encouraging sight.

But then Naveen was gone, and Ethan was alone again.

He passively surveyed the kitchen – and the spilled coffee in the corner. With a grumble of complaint, Ethan quickly cleaned the counter and threw out the rest of the disgusting coffee. He uncharacteristically disregarded the towel in a pile of other dishrags and didn’t bother putting the cups away.

Instead, he just walked to his bedroom.

Before he opened the door, he hoped that Charlie had moved. He would have taken even just the slightest shift as a good sign.

But she hadn’t.

Charlie was exactly where he had left her.

She was in bed, back to him and staring ahead at a blank spot on the wall. Jenner had buried himself in the curve of her legs, and Ethan swore he looked just as upset by Charlie’s despondency.

Ethan quietly crossed his bedroom and walked to her side of the bed. He kneeled before her, forcing her to look at him, and he tenderly brushed his fingers through her hair as he observed her. Despite hours and hours in bed, she looked exhausted – so exhausted that sleep could never be enough. There wasn’t much to her expression, near-empty eyes and only a slight quirk of the lips to acknowledge him. But he was encouraged by the gentle nudge in his direction as she leaned into his hand.

“Hey,” Ethan whispered.

“Hey,” Charlie quietly echoed.

“Are you still willing to run away?”

* * *

A few hours later, Charlie and Ethan sat quietly in his car, navigating old country roads in search of Naveen’s secluded cabin. For most of the ride, Charlie was silent. Her eyes were always to the side, observing the world move around her. At first, Ethan thought she was just interested in the scenery. Forty-five minutes into the trip, however, he realized she was just distracted.

Ethan held her hand to comfort her but mostly to calm himself.

She squeezed it lightly as they drove Naveen’s bumpy driveway. Ethan thought his heart would stop when she did.

After Ethan parked, he brought her hand to his lips and kissed it.

Then there was silence.

Neither of them moved to get out of the car. Instead, they just looked ahead at the familiar cabin and lake. It had been months since either had been here. Tangled in the scenery were memories of their beginning – of that short affair in the spring when everything was sweet and soft. Ethan smiled as he remembered their dinner on the deck when Charlie quietly held his hand under the table to reassure him.

“The last time we were here, you were planning to break up with me,” Charlie observed, startling Ethan.

She was talking about the night when she discovered the cure to Naveen’s mysterious illness. Ethan had kissed her goodbye and forced her to go home. The next day, he broke up with her in a dramatic, heartbreaking fashion.

“I was not!”

“That was a kiss goodbye if I ever felt one.”

“It was a kiss goodbye because you were driving to Boston,” Ethan retorted, “We were literally saying goodbye.”

Charlie raised a skeptical eyebrow.

“If it makes you feel better, you can break up with me,” Ethan offered, confident she would refuse his offer.

To his surprise, Charlie shrugged and then hummed, “I’ll think about it.”

Ethan wasn’t sure if he should laugh or fear his girlfriend. Instead of doing either, he just shook his head and unloaded the bags from the car.

The cabin had been left largely unattended after Naveen joined Edenbrook’s administration. During the warm months, Naveen made an effort to spend his weekends on the dock, but once the cold settled over Boston, Naveen’s visits became less frequent. As a result, it was quiet, dark, and covered in a light layer of dust when Ethan opened the front door.

It was also fucking freezing.

Even Ethan, who hadn’t whined about the cold in at least a decade, complained once he stepped inside. Charlie practically started shivering.

Neither of them noticed the slow descent from a lovely Boston fall to a cruel and bitter winter, but it was now upon them. The most dramatic transitions happened while Charlie was in the hospital, so the couple was startled by the sudden nip in the air. The rest of Massachusetts heeded nature’s warnings and traded their light jackets for heavy puffers and extra firewood. Charlie, on the other hand, wore a tank top with her sweatpants.

Boston still had a habit of surprising her with how viciously cold it could get. At this point, she doubted she would ever successfully adjust.

Forced into action by the cold, Charlie and Ethan abandoned their bags at the front door and set about warming up. Ethan searched the walls for signs of a thermostat and kept an eye out for firewood. Charlie started amassing all of the spare blankets in a pile on the sofa, and she shimmied under them while Ethan tinkered with the heater.

Even after he’d turned on the heater and had started a cozy fire, Ethan felt unsatisfied. As the air stubbornly remained frigid, Ethan worried he’d stumbled on another unsolvable puzzle.

He was nonetheless comforted by the image of Charlie and Jenner on the couch. Nestled under the mountain of blankets, they looked quite satisfied with themselves. Ethan reasoned that, if she stayed in this position for the next twenty-four hours, he was pleased it was at least a comical one.

Eager to join them – and to warm himself – Ethan worked his way under the pile and close to Charlie. He wrapped an arm around her waist to pull her to his side, and she noiselessly rested her head against his chest. It was amazing how easily the act calmed him. Ethan leaned forward to place his chin on the crown of her head.

“How are you feeling?” Ethan whispered into her hair.

“I’m okay,” Charlie mumbled, eyes closed as she steadied herself to the rise and fall of his breathing.

Ethan didn’t believe her, but he kissed her anyway.

“Probably regretting the tank top,” Ethan teased, desperate for any sign of amusement from her. He felt close to tears when she smirked softly.

“You’re the one who let me walk out like this,” Charlie murmured.

“I wish I’d seen your first winter in Boston,” Ethan mused mostly to himself, “I can only imagine how you reacted.”

Charlie smiled softly at the memory, “My legs were black and blue for the whole month of January because I kept slipping on the ice.”

Ethan pulled Charlie closer, squeezing her as he smiled, “What else?”

“Bryce and I had never been so cold in our lives. We always huddled up if we were outside for any extended period of time. I actually started bringing a blanket to Donahue’s so I could drink without freezing to death when the door opened,” Charlie chuckled.

Ethan twisted a stray curl around his index finger, “I hope being bundled with me doesn’t disappoint compared to Lahela.”

He caught the roll her eyes.

“You do not disappoint, Ethan,” Charlie promised. With a mischievous smile, she added, “Except for the year where you couldn’t acknowledge liking me. Then, you _regularly_ disappointed.”

Ethan enjoyed the playful challenge. It felt like normal. It felt… good.

“Regularly?” he repeated.

“I’m not sure I’ve ever quite forgiven you for Miami,” Charlie affirmed.

“I was protecting you,” Ethan declared defensively.

“Right, you were protecting me from the sex I’d wanted to have with you since we met. What a good job you did,” Charlie praised him sarcastically.

Ethan tried very hard to think of a comeback, but it never came.

Instead, he shrugged, “Well, I guess we could have celebrated an anniversary by now.”

“Bold of you to assume we would have lasted.”

“You don’t think we would have?” Ethan asked, genuinely surprised.

“We didn’t the first time we tried,” Charlie reminded, peeking up at him. He was happy she did. He liked seeing her eyes.

“I like to think we would have figured this out eventually,” Ethan smiled softly.

“Ethan Ramsey, the hopeless romantic,” Charlie teased softly, “I never would have guessed.”

Ethan took the opportunity to kiss her. It wasn’t exactly the same as it had been before the memorial. Even when she teased and smiled, she was still trapped in that daze. Ethan shuttered to think that this change was permanent. In less than a day, he’d already grown to profoundly miss the old Charlie. But any Charlie was better than none at all.

“How does a trip to the grocery store sound?” Ethan asked, resting his hand on the back of Charlie’s neck as she watched him, “If you ask nicely, I’ll pretend to not notice how unhealthy all of your choices on.

Charlie chuckled but shook her head, “As exhilarating as that sounds, I’m good here.”

Ethan’s smile faltered.

He didn’t like the idea of leaving her alone after all she’d been through, especially in an unfamiliar cabin. He always felt the need to keep an active eye on her so that she’d never have to struggle alone. It gave him peace of mind even when he felt powerless.

But Charlotte wasn’t a child. She didn’t need a babysitter.

Ethan reminded himself quite forcefully that she didn’t benefit from being monitored. She wouldn’t fall apart the second he stepped away, and even if she did, maybe she needed the release without his careful observation.

She would be fine.

He still desperately didn’t want to leave.

“Okay,” Ethan agreed. The words came out stiff and uncomfortable largely because he _was_ grossly unnerved by the idea.

Charlie didn’t acknowledge his obvious discomfort. It just reminded her how weak and fragile she’d become. Before last night, Ethan would have never worried about leaving her alone for an hour.

Stalling in the doorway, Ethan almost asked her to come with him for a second time. But he worried that would make him seem like an asshole, so instead, he told her he loved her and forced himself to leave.

Then, Charlie was alone.

It was the first time Charlie had been truly alone since the attack in Edenbrook. In the hospital, she had a few solitary hours, but she was never really alone. There was always someone at the door, peeking in to see if she was on the verge of collapse.

Yesterday, she was technically alone, too. In those lost hours traversing Boston, she’d walked unaccompanied. But she was too deep in the fog to consider that a true independent hour.

No, this was the first real time.

It felt… strange. Far less freeing than she would have imagined.

Charlie was restless. She squirmed under the mountain of blankets, much to the irritation of Jenner next to her. Her eyes surveyed every inch of the cabin in search of something to soothe her. It just wasn’t enough.

Careful not to disturb Jenner, Charlie escaped the mountain of blankets and began to wander the house. The space was so different from when she’d last visited Naveen’s cabin. All of Naveen’s fleeting interest were strewn about the living room then. Now, everything had an organized home. Her fingers brushed along worn book covers as she passed Naveen’s expansive bookshelf. She recognized few, but one in particular – Ethan’s medical textbook – made her smile.

Once Charlie had wandered the entirety of the living room, she felt drawn to the deck. Gasping at the chill in the air, she stepped into the cold defiantly. She found Naveen’s swing – the one she discovered him in when she explained his illness all those months ago. He’d repainted the wood since then.

As if following an instinctual path, Charlie traced the curve of the deck down the stairs and towards the dock.

The girl who first stepped on this dock couldn’t have imagined anything that happened in the following year. Charlie wished she could have warned her, but what would Charlie have said?

The heartbreak, the trauma, the disappointment… Nothing could take it away now.

Charlie reached the end of the dock too quickly. She still had so many thoughts, so many feelings to address. She wanted to keep going.

So… she did.

Without thinking, Charlie jumped into the lake.

Charlie sank quickly into the dark, icy water. Her skin burned at the sudden temperature change, and the cold slowly set into her body until her bones themselves felt the chill. The fog dissipated, allowing her nerves to be singed with the sensation. She felt _everything_. She felt the anxiety in her chest. She felt the lead in her feet. And she felt the deep, aching cry begging to be released.

Deep beneath the surface, Charlie screamed.

And for that one moment, it was the most freeing thing she had ever done.

Then the reality of the water settled in, and Charlie rushed to the surface, coughing up water as she clung desperately to the dock. As she started to catch her breath, the world came back into focus. She didn’t know why she jumped in the lake…

She just knew she felt better now.

She wasn’t cured, but she was relieved.

She was also fucking freezing.

Charlie pulled herself onto the dock to find Jenner patiently waiting on the deck, looking vaguely concerned when she emerged. Teeth chattering, Charlie hurried towards him. The path was certainly shorter when she was motivated by the cabin’s fire.

She peeled off her wet clothes and left them at the door to avoid soaking Naveen’s cabin. Naked and cold, Charlie meandered through the cabin until she found the master bathroom. She turned the shower to its hottest setting and mumbled her praise for the heat as she climbed inside.

A few minutes later, Ethan returned from the grocery store to an odd and eerie sight. The first thing he noticed was the wet trail from the dock to the front door. He was only further perplexed by the pile of wet clothes on the deck.

“Charlie?” Ethan called out once inside.

No answer.

Ethan left the grocery bags on the counter and confidently walked to the pile of blankets on the couch, expecting to find his girlfriend and dog peacefully napping beneath them.

But… she wasn’t there.

Growing concerned, Ethan called out her name again, but once more, he received no answer. He searched every room – the dining room, the guest room, and even Naveen’s study – before he heard the shower running in the master bathroom.

Ethan followed the sound with renewed concern, and without a second thought, he burst into the bathroom with a flurry of panic.

Charlie, who had been innocently showering and hadn’t heard him over the sound of the running water, stared in confusion.

“Oh thank God,” Ethan breathed, leaning his weight against the door frame as he processed the relief. He absently explained, “I couldn’t find you. I called. I ...” he trailed off, knowing he wasn’t explaining himself well in the first place. Instead, he took a deep breath and tried to settle the racing of his heart.

“Are you okay?” Charlie asked, stepping towards the edge of the shower so she could hear him clearly.

“Yeah,” Ethan nodded. He still looked on edge as he approached her and placed a lazy but much-needed kiss on her forehead. Her wet hair started to drip on him, but he couldn’t will himself to care. All that mattered was that she was alright. Squeezing her wet arm softly, Ethan added, “Sorry to interrupt your shower.”

Ethan started to walk away and leave Charlie to finish her shower in peace when something stopped him.

He looked down to see Charlie’s hand wrapped around his wrist, keeping him from walking away.

“Is everything alright?” he asked, perplexed.

“Yes,” Charlie nodded, but she tightened her grip on his wrist.

Ethan took a small step back in her direction to ask her another question, but before he could, Charlie stepped out of the shower and kissed him.

The kiss felt like… Charlie.

Not like the fog or the trauma but _Charlie_.

Charlie wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him tight against her. Still, she felt like he wasn’t close enough.

“What are you doing?” Ethan whispered breathlessly, both of his hands settled firmly on her bare, wet hips. He didn’t seem to mind or notice that she’d soaked his clothes by pressing her damp body against him.

“I realized I haven’t gotten to have sex with you and say, ‘I love you.’ I wanted to fix that.”

Ethan raised an eyebrow, shocked by the declaration.

“Doesn’t the first time after a near-death experience call for roses and that whole thing?” Ethan asked quietly, trying very hard not to get distracted by how soft she felt this close to him. He wanted to leave her room to back out if she wanted. He never wanted her to feel as if she owed this to him, especially after all she had been through.

Charlie shook her head, smirking lightly as she explained, “I think we both learned to stop waiting for what we want, and I want you.”

Charlie waited impatiently as Ethan considered. When he took too long to decide, she started to imagine the mortification of actually being rejected while standing naked in front of her boyfriend.

Then, just as Charlie started to squirm with impatience, Ethan tightened his grip on Charlie’s hips and brought her right up against him to kiss her. His lips quickly strayed to her jaw, and Charlie tilted her head back in delight. Grabbing the color of his shirt, Charlie started to pull him back with her. He was so entranced he didn’t realize he was being pulled back into the shower until the steaming hot water hit him.

Laughing, Ethan complained, “You could have at least let me take off my clothes first.”

“Your fault for not stripping earlier,” Charlie teased, running a hand down his soaked button-up. The way the wet fabric clung to his skin exposed every muscle and satisfying ridge. She was almost happy she waited to get him naked.

Charlie’s hand stopped at his jeans, and she pulled him into her by his belt loop. He obliged and went right back to where he had been before the shock of the shower interrupted him. His mouth skimmed her neck, taking note when she jumped or squirmed at a spot. It was a distracting activity – one that kept her fumbling with the buttons of his shirt.

Ethan started to think of it as a game. Once she got too close to getting his shirt off, he would renew his efforts and go back to one of those sensitive spots he cataloged. His fingertips would grip into her hips so tight, so mean that they left little imprints to be found the next morning. He wouldn’t let up until she felt on the verge of collapsing into his arms.

Then, he would let her try again.

Finally, somehow, Charlie got his shift off and threw it in a victorious heap on the shower floor. She looked proud as she beamed up at him.

“Well, aren’t you something,” Ethan praised, kissing lower on her neck. She breathed into him, her fingers lazily tangling in his hair. As Ethan moved his hands up to her waist, he could feel the pure relaxation in her body. Not a single muscle was tense. She was perfectly content.

Ethan decided he wanted to change that.

Ethan kissed along her neck, her collarbone, even her shoulder.

And then, digging his fingernails into her waist, he bit her right shoulder.

Charlie cried out in delight, her spine instinctively arching into him. Ethan smiled against her skin, placing an apologetic kiss on the bitemark.

Before Charlie could get her head straight, Ethan forcefully pushed her back. The second her skin met the cold of the tile, she gasped and jumped slightly. Ethan gave her a moment to adjust before shoving her further into the tile.

Begrudgingly, Ethan removed his hands from her soft, warm body to unbuckle his belt and push off his pants. He kicked them back in the shower with his abandoned shirt. Once free, Ethan stepped back towards Charlie, kissing her deeply as he mumbled a sincere, “I love you.”

Charlie couldn’t stop herself from smiling into his lips, “I love you, too.”

Ethan smiled so bright and so wide her heart nearly stopped.

Then, he put his lips to better use. He kissed along her body – her sternum, her breasts, her ribcage, her abdomen… With each kiss, he mumbled another piece of “I love you.” Charlie glowed under his attention. Her fingers were in his hair, her nails scratching against his scalp. Ethan felt a headrush of appreciation and swore he was intoxicated off Charlie.

Hurriedly, Ethan took off his underwear – throwing it with the rest of his clothes – and pressed himself firmly against Charlie.

This time, when he kissed her, he savored the taste. He indulged his memory in all the little movements and sounds she made. Oh, the sounds… He panted with each one.

Ethan guided Charlie’s leg to wrap around him. He was rough enough that Charlie wouldn’t be surprised to see his fingerprints lining her body in the morning, but it felt so good that Charlie didn’t care.

She didn’t care about anything except for Ethan – his hands, his body, his mouth, and certainly his dick. Impatiently, Charlie moved her hand to stroke his cock. Instantly distracted, Ethan leaned his head to her shoulder, trying to catch his breath. He wanted to focus, but fuck…

“Charlotte,” Ethan warned.

“Ethan?” Charlie dared, moving her hand just a bit faster.

He planned on telling her that she was distracting him and that he had a very, very long list of all of the things he wanted to do with her, none of which would be achieved if she continued.

But…

But _fuck it_.

Ethan finally had the promise of a thousand nights with this enigmatic woman.

Right now, he wanted to fuck her, and that was what he was going to do.

When Ethan looked back up at her, he had this lustful, determined flicker in his eye that made Charlie blush just from the sight. She grinned victoriously.

“Are you sure?” Ethan murmured gruffly against her ear, holding her thigh tight around him.

“Yes,” Charlie responded resolutely.

Ethan entered her swiftly and deeply. For a second, Charlie lost her balance at the sensation, obliging Ethan to hold her up. Forcing her back into the wall, he asked, “Gentle or hard?”

“Surprise me,” Charlie smirked.

Ethan smiled mischievously, and he ran his free hand gently through her mess of wet curls. His fingers laced into the root before tugging on her hair, bringing her head closer to him as he ordered, “Say you love me.”

Smiling and eyes closed, Charlie said, “I love you, Ethan Jonah Ramsey.”

Ethan beamed like it was the best thing he’d ever heard. Holding Charlie up, Ethan began to fuck her slow and hard. He watched as she moaned with every thrust. He liked seeing her squirm, slowing his pace a few times so that she’d learn to appreciate the anticipation.

Ethan knew her body. He knew her moans, her movements, her noises, and all her signs of an impending orgasm. Her skin flushed bright pink. Her breath grew ragged. Her gasps were louder and more frequent. And fuck… she had that _look_. Every time he saw it, he had to steady himself.

Because he knew she was close, Ethan started to go faster. And harder. And faster.

Charlie was on the verge of spilling over. She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t think. All she wanted was more.

Just when Charlie reached the edge, Ethan _stopped_.

He stood utterly still as Charlie’s eyes flew open in pure shock and horror.

“Say it again,” he demanded.

“What?” Charlie whined, too drunk off her impending orgasm to understand a word he was saying.

“ _Say. It. Again_.”

Oh.

Charlie smiled, placing a gentle hand on his jaw as she tenderly assured him, “I love you, Ethan.”

In reward, Ethan’s lips captured hers, and he fucked her _fast_ and _hard_ and _deep_.

Charlie moaned his name like a praise as she came. Her nails bit into his shoulder as warmth surged through her body, blanketing her in euphoria, and she fell into Ethan’s arms as he followed.

Once the bliss settled, Ethan released Charlie’s thigh, but he held onto her waist just in case her strength hadn’t totally returned. Charlie was more than happy to be held by Ethan, and she settled into his embrace quite comfortably.

“I really do love you, Rookie,” Ethan murmured, feeling desperate to prove the magnitude of his affection.

“I know,” Charlie whispered, “and I love you, too.”

Ethan nodded quietly. He didn’t let her go, not yet.

“I didn’t think we’d ever get to do this again,” Charlie admitted vulnerably.

Ethan laughed somewhat bitterly, “I didn’t even think I’d get to hold you again.”

He knew he would never forget that feeling – the horror of knowing he may never touch his Charlie again. Sometimes, when he held her now, he felt like he had to hold her just a bit tighter to make up for the fear.

“We’ll be okay, right?” Charlie asked.

“Yeah, we will,” Ethan confirmed, rubbing a soothing circle on her back, “And until then, we have each other.”

Charlie leaned further into her boyfriend and smiled gently, “Did I mention that I love you?”

“A few times,” Ethan chuckled.

“I’ve been thinking,” Charlie conceded, “And I think I can forgive you for Miami.”

“Not that there’s anything to forgive,” Ethan refuted, earning a glare, so he kissed her nose to distract her, “But I accept your forgiveness.”

Charlie rolled her eyes but leaned into him anyway.

“And since I ruined what could have been a very successful relationship then,” Ethan began. Charlie interrupted him with a dubious expression, but he ignored it, “I’ll just have to make sure we get to an anniversary anyway.”

“These two months haven’t been too much for you?” Charlie teased.

“Charlie, I don’t think any amount of time is going to be enough for me,” Ethan admitted. Her cheeks flushed just a bit, and she casually averted her eyes in the name of needing to finish her shower. But Ethan knew.

Ethan knew she felt the same.


	22. Are You Still There?

_Are you still watching?_

Sprawled out on her sofa, Charlie passively stared at the television screen as if the message would disappear. Perhaps it was entertainment on its own. Or maybe it was just as unsatisfying as everything else was.

The message stared back at her defiantly, refusing to disappear until she responded. It held her Netflix queue as ransom, but the threat wasn’t enough to spur Charlie into action.

Over the last two weeks, Charlie had settled into the lull of idleness and complacency. She had endured so much that she was burnt out on feeling anything at all. Emotions and familiarity came slowly and painfully. She learned to feel like one learned to walk again. She never imagined she would need to learn how to act, too.

While at the cabin with Ethan, she faced her seemingly insurmountable grief and found ways to continue living. She found ways to smile again, to jump in freezing lakes and kiss her boyfriend in the faint moonlight. The grueling difficulty was rewarded with such progress and such hope that Charlie and Ethan spent some of the happiest times of their lives in that cold cabin, even if they were followed by bone-chilling moments of sorrow. It was enough to inspire confidence in recovery and miracles.

For a moment there, Charlie looked once more like the wide-eyed intern who thought that her stories could only have good endings. Ethan savored the sight.

But the progress slowed, and so did the confidence.

The day they drove back into Boston, Charlie didn’t feel the unbearable weight of the attack on her chest. She didn’t flee, and she could face a street corner without worrying she’d find something horrific on the other side. But as close as she was to being herself, she still wasn’t.

Something was missing.

Something had been damaged and stolen.

This _something_ , whatever it was, felt so integral to her being that its absence made her worry that she would never find it again.

The darkness receded, though a shadow lingered in her life. She reluctantly returned to the world, and she began to live her days as she did before, without the cover of fog or disassociation. She also lived without the distraction and fulfillment of work.

The days were long.

Longer than they had ever been before.

She tried to view the time as a gift or an opportunity. Having dedicated nearly a decade to her education, she finally had the chance to engage with her other interests. Perhaps she could return from her sabbatical with a new perspective or some accomplishment to comfort her.

She bought books. She made plans. She saved recipes, and she oozed optimism.

One by one, they were each abandoned.

Her silence transformed into apathy and lethargy. The fog lifted, but her true self was no longer beneath it.

Nothing was right.

But why wasn’t it?

Thoughts like that never did her any good. They were, at best, cyclical and fruitless. At worst, they created fear and frustration.

Her grand opportunity was really just a stream of content – none of which left an impression anymore. She was feeding a hunger or scratching an itch. She was passing the time.

Today would be different.

That made her uncomfortable. As much as she disliked the state of her life, she liked the familiarity. There was no room for unknown attackers or life-altering tragedies. There was just... _this_.

Every day, Charlie woke up. She muddled through the day, but she survived it. She went to sleep, and she had the privilege of beginning the cycle again.

Sometimes, she was tempted to break the cycle anyway.

She was desperate to find that missing piece. Or at a minimum, to find a better distraction.

She thought she would find it at work.

Less than two weeks into her sabbatical, she asked Ethan to clear her for work.

He refused. His determination, which had always been a feature she admired, was now levied squarely against her. No matter her appeals to emotion or her strictly professional arguments, Ethan wouldn’t budge. Ethan didn’t think she was ready. Having ignored his better judgment before, he wouldn’t make the same mistake again. He wouldn’t approve her return until he was confident in her recovery and mental state. He promised that it wasn’t personal, but of course, it was.

Ethan watched the woman he loved fall apart. He watched circumstances beyond his control break her. He couldn’t forget the night where he held her and wondered if she’d live to the next day. His trauma, though seemingly more distant, was no less visceral than Charlie’s.

He loved her too much to let her return too soon.

So, Ethan went to work, and Charlie stayed home.

Their thoughts frequently went to each other – so much so that it was impossible to determine who thought of the other more.

Ethan worried, and Charlie envied. Ethan often texted or called to check-in, and he encouraged her to stop by his apartment to check on Jenner, though they both knew Jenner was more than cared for by his expensive dog walker. Charlie imagined the cases Ethan got to see during the day, and at night, she tried to coax the best details from him. More than once, she offered to be his remote research assistant. After all, would it really harm her healing process to pick up a few medical textbooks and study a condition or two?

Today, though, Charlie was the one to text as she stared at her television screen and pondered the question, “Are you still watching?”

**Charlie: Are you actually enjoying Grey’s Anatomy?**

Charlie dropped her phone to the couch, hardly expecting a speedy reply from her busy boyfriend. To her astonishment, the phone buzzed mere moments later.

**Ethan: Why?**

**Charlie: just wondering…**

**Ethan: …**

Charlie stared at the typing bubbles anxiously, but they disappeared almost immediately.

For a second, she thought she got away with it.

Then, he called.

Charlie answered on the second ring, and even from miles away, she could feel his suspecting stare.

“You watched it without me, didn’t you?” Ethan accused, failing to share any customary pleasantries before levying his allegation.

She considered lying. It’s not like she couldn’t pretend to be shocked when she watched _Grey’s_ again with him tonight. But her betrayal was easy to discover, and she’d practically revealed it already.

“I did,” Charlie confessed with a deep sigh.

“How many episodes?”

“…I finished the season,” Charlie chewed on her lower lip.

“What happened to us watching it together?” Ethan asked, indignant.

He hadn’t even wanted to watch it! The moment he heard of its inaccuracies and salacious misappropriations of medical situations, he couldn’t imagine subjecting himself to such torture. His secret relationship was enough hospital scandal for one lifetime, and he no intention of seeking out more.

He watched it for Charlie. He watched it because he was powerless when subjected to her imploring stare. In this condition, he would have given her the world. He would have done anything for her, even if it involved needless dramas and wasted time.

But after a few episodes, he actually began to… _like_ it.

Not that he ever said that, of course. He had a reputation to maintain. He couldn’t let Charlie think she changed him _that_ radically.

Many of his criticisms remained valid, but he underestimated the emotional appeal. He particularly liked that, in this fictional world, the scandalous arrangement between Dr. Derek Shepherd and his young intern was more than a blight on their respective records. It blossomed into something real – something meaningful.

That inspirational narrative proved enough to forgive a myriad of sins.

“It was an accident!” Charlie protested, “Besides, if you let me come back to work, we wouldn’t have this problem.”

“You're not ready," Ethan combatted confidently.

He wanted her to be.

He missed her all the time. He wanted her beside him. He wanted her to be impossibly resilient. He wanted to know that all the cracks in her soul could heal before they fell apart.

But he couldn't make decisions based solely on what he wanted.

"And your appointment is today at two," Ethan reminded firmly.

He didn't need to see her to know that Charlie rolled her eyes.

"I know."

"Charlotte, if you miss this appointment," Ethan began, only to be cut off by Charlie.

" _I know._ It's not like I have anything else to do," Charlie interrupted.

Ethan wasn't satisfied by her answer. In fact, he felt sure that he wouldn't be satisfied with anything until he knew she safely arrived at that therapist's office at two p.m. Ethan was very familiar with Charlie's stubbornness. It was, at times, an astonishing trait worth his weight in reverence and admiration. And others, it was the bane of his existence.

He knew Charlotte well enough to worry.

She didn't want to go. In fact, she _resented_ that she was forced to do so. Left powerless by her condition, she reclaimed power through her stubborn resistance.

Ethan feared that she would suddenly realize she had far more power than he gave her credit for and would exert it by resisting his orders.

He tried to combat that by urging Naveen to officially order it as an element of her returning to work. Still, she was a clever girl. He hoped that she recognized the importance of her mental health and its treatment, and furthermore, he prayed that it outweighed the allure of defiance and fear. She didn't want to face what had happened that day, nor did she want to acknowledge the suffering that followed. Once freed from the fog, she wanted to pretend she was never submerged.

Ethan felt the urge to explain it all again – to impress the imperative nature of this appointment one more time – but he didn't. He was running late for a meeting, and there was little to be gained anyway. A last minute appeal would do little to convince her, and he doubted he would get more from Charlie than what she had already given.

"Just promise you won't finish another season without me," Ethan asked, settling for the softer promise instead of the one he wanted.

"Fine," Charlie sighed wistfully, her eyes wandering back to the television screen. She still hadn't answered whether or not she was watching.

"Love you," he offered quietly.

Charlie felt a whisper of warmth bloom in her chest as she whispered back, "Love you, too."

Then the call was over, and Charlie was alone again.

She imagined life back at Edenbrook. She imagined the patients and the mysteries. She thought so hard and for so long that she could almost smell the burnt coffee in the cafeteria.

She wished she was there.

And then…

She wondered if they talked about her still. If they talked about Danny and Bobby. If they talked about that day.

Could she blame them if they did? No, she couldn't, yet she simultaneously couldn't stomach it.

Sinking further into the couch, her fingertips brushed along a dangerous path of thought. She felt fog in the distance – the blurriness, the ache, the unresolved despair. Truthfully, it was always just out of reach. Sometimes, she only noticed it less.

She knew to turn back, but it was so… tempting.

Like she was drawn to the fog, like it had something to offer her that she desperately needed.

She was saved by a knock at the door.

The sound was jarring and distracting. The alluring sorrow slipped out of her hands, slinking back to some dark corner of her mind. It was gone just as quickly as it had come. She couldn't have been with it for more than a few minutes, but it left its imprint in Charlie's jolting confusion.

Charlie scrambled for the front door, leaving the sofa in a disarray of blankets and pillows. Too surprised by the sound, she didn't think to check the peephole and instead opened the door wide to see her landlord, Farley.

He carried a bouquet of flowers, and she watched as his expressions shifted from awkward friendliness to shock and borderline bewilderment. It took Charlie a moment to process why, and in that time, she stared back at him blankly.

Passively, she looked over her shoulder to the messy apartment behind her. In the process, she noted her pajamas – if you could call an oversized sweatshirt and tattered sweatpants pajamas. She hadn't changed clothes this morning, nor had she even bothered to brush her hair. She doubted that Farley had ever seen the apartment – or her, for that matter – this disheveled.

Grimacing at the uncomfortable situation, Charlie turned back to Farley and forced a smile as she greeted him, "Hey, Farley."

"Hey, Charlie," Farley smiled back, trying very hard to look at her eyes and not the scene around her, "Just wanted to see how you were holding up."

"Oh," Charlie was surprised, "Thanks. That's really sweet of you."

"And, um, I thought I'd drop by some flowers," Farley offered the bouquet somewhat nervously.

"Farley… thank you," Charlie smiled, accepting warmly.

"You’re welcome,” Farley smiled sheepishly.

“Why don’t you come in while I put these in some water?” Charlie offered.

Farley accepted and followed her through the apartment, making an effort not to stare at the piles of blankets and junk food wrappers in the living room.

“It’s really awful what you had to go through,” Farley said as they entered the kitchen, “What all of you had to go through, really.”

“Yeah,” Charlie swallowed, turning her back to Farley to hide her pained expression, and she busied herself looking for a vase, “But I was lucky.

“True…” Farley paused, “How _are_ you doing?”

Charlie faltered.

She didn’t know how to answer.

Physically, she was better. No side effects of the antidote and no serious limitations from the illness. She had made a full recovery, safe for occasional fatigue.

But beyond her physical health…

_How was she doing?_

Charlie didn’t realize she was staring at a vase in silence until Farley approached, offering to get it for her. He assumed she’d gone quiet because she couldn’t reach the high shelf, and she didn’t correct him.

Charlie took a step back so Farley could get the vase. She watched him quietly, and as she did, she noted a small, circular rash on his wrist.

That rash, that _blessed rash_ , instantly distracted her from her inner turmoil. All she could think of now was that rash.

“How long has that been there?” Charlie asked Farley, motioning to the rash as she accepted the vase.

“That little thing? Couple of days, I think,” Farley shrugged nonchalantly.

“You should get it checked out,” Charlie advised him, filling the vase with water as she added, “It could be a symptom of something bigger.”

“I… really can’t. Times are kinda lean, and my insurance deductible’s not so great…” Farley confessed.

“What about the free clinic?”

“It’s only free to drop in. I gotta pay for anything that happens if I’m admitted. I don’t wanna gamble like that.”

“I’m part of a team with a little more freedom than the rest of the hospital. If my boss agreed to treat you pro bono, you wouldn’t have to pay a cent.”

“And I can just drop in and ask for that? Pro… what was it?”

Charlie sighed, chewing on her lower lip as she considered. Given Ethan’s fame within the medical community (and grumpiness), there was no way that someone at the front desk would let Farley back to see him if he just asked to see him. And if there was some sort of miscommunication along the way, Charlie’s promise would be void.

There was only one way to make sure this happened.

It should have been an exciting prospect – to finally get what she’d wanted all this time. But before she said it along, she had to brace herself and swallow the rising fear.

“I’ll take you and make sure it’s done right,” Charlie said with enough determination to hide her doubts.

“Are you sure? Aren’t you on leave?” Farley asked, worried he was asking for too great of an imposition.

“Yeah, it’s no problem. I want to make sure this happens, okay?” Charlie assured him, “Just give me a few minutes to get dressed.”

Farley nodded, overwhelmed by her generous solution. He didn’t know how to thank her enough for what had to be a monumental task, so awkwardly and nervously blurted out, “Thank you, Charlie.”

She smiled back, taking his thanks as fuel as she went to her bedroom.

She had to dig through a pile of dirty sweatpants and pajamas to find her work-appropriate clothes. She first grabbed a simple blazer, but casting a glance to the frosty window, she remembered the bitter cold that had descended on Boston in the last two weeks. She’d caught glimpses of it since the cabin but only with Ethan to remind her to grab a coat. Now, she had to do it for herself.

Or rather, she had to do it in direct opposition to Ethan.

Charlie dressed quickly, and she tossed her mussed hair into a high ponytail to reframe the messiness as a purposeful act. As she reached for her employee I.D., she had the sudden realization that she was going back to Edenbrook.

For the first time since being released as a patient, she would walk through those doors – the very same ones that had triggered her dark and dreary fog.

She would walk the halls Danny and Bobby once walked.

She would breathe the air that had almost killed her.

And she didn’t know if she could do it. If after all this begging and pleading, she was even brave enough to walk inside…

She didn’t have time for fear like this, the kind that could swallow you whole and terrorize you for a lifetime. So, she swallowed it, adding it to her collection of unresolved trauma.

Before she could change her mind, Charlie left her apartment.

In the blistering winter, Charlie and Farley made their way to Edenbrook together. They passed the time with small talk, mostly about the building and Sienna’s famous cookies. When they reached the front door of Edenbrook, that swallowed anxiety began to resurface.

 _I can’t walk in_ , she thought to herself, staring at the door like it was a monster out of her worst nightmare. In a way, it was. It had followed her all this time, torturing her with its memory. The last time she walked through these doors, she walked straight into a breakdown. She secretly worried it would happen again.

Oblivious to Charlie’s hesitation, Farley walked straight inside. He was fearless because, really, they were just doors.

Forced to follow, Charlie held her breath and summed her courage, and then she just _walked_.

By the time she reached the other side, she was practically lightheaded.

But once she was inside, it was easy to feel normal. Familiarity oozed from every corner and every passing figure. Yet, even ignored, trauma lurked in the halls, and pain lingered, even if it was out of sight.

Distracting herself with the mission, Charlie led Farley to the free clinic. Before they could even complete his paperwork, a familiar face rounded the corner.

“Charlie? _Farley?_ ” Jackie felt the icy burn of panic spread through her veins as she rushed to their side, “What’s going on? Did something happen?”

Charlie didn’t understand the look on Jackie’s face, but how could she? Being inside that room left visceral, lasting agony, but being outside that room left its own ghost. Jackie couldn’t shake that anxiety and fear for her friend, so much so that she and Sienna frequently peeked in on Charlie to make sure she was still breathing. She would never forget what it meant to be on the cusp of losing a friend, nor could she begin to explain the irrational fear that remained.

Immediately, Jackie worried that something horrific had happened to Charlie – that despite Charlie’s progress, they could still lose her.

“Farley has a rash on his wrist, and I wanted to make sure it got looked at,” Charlie explained, failing to shake the confusion from her face or voice.

Jackie released most of her anxiety as she listened to the explanation, though a voice in the back of her head felt crazy for having it in the first place. Still, some anxiety for her friend lingered.

“But you’re not supposed to be back for another week,” Jackie crossed her arms accusatorily.

Jackie knew that Charlie wanted to go back to work. It was impossible to live with her and ignore that obvious fact. Even if Charlie spent many of her nights with some mystery friend, Jackie saw her frequently enough to worry about Charlie’s insistence. When Jackie learned it was Dr. Ramsey barring her from the hospital, it was the first time Jackie raised a toast in his honor.

“I’m just here to make sure he gets admitted through the diagnostics team,” Charlie tried to shake off the suspicion unsuccessfully.

Jackie loved Charlie, but she didn’t trust her.

Deciding it was better to keep Charlie under watch rather than setting her free in the hospital, Jackie took both of them back for an exam. The exam was short and gave them both enough reason to admit Farley for further testing.

Jackie began the tedious paperwork to admit him, but Charlie quickly stopped her, insisting that she would admit him under the diagnostics team to fulfill her promise. When Jackie remained dubious, Charlie reminded her that she would save Jackie the paperwork.

Overwhelmed as it was, Jackie wasn’t in the place to pass that up.

Still, she warned her friend, “Just don’t try to use this as a way to sneak back into work. Your leave is necessary, Charlie.”

“I’m just admitting Farley,” Charlie protested. She knew she failed to acknowledge the core of Jackie’s argument, but she didn’t want to make promises.

If she could make this permanent, she didn’t want to be bound to her friend.

If this was her chance at an escape or distraction, she couldn’t swear that she wouldn’t take it.

Just as Ethan had been on the phone, Jackie wasn’t impressed by Charlie’s evasion, but she accepted it nonetheless. She didn’t have much of a choice.

Charlie took her begrudging acceptance as clearance to leave the conversation. She went back to the exam room and informed a concerned Farley that they had decided to admit him for further testing.

“And you can get your team to help?” Farley clarified quickly.

“Yeah, we just need to find someone to sign off on the paperwork,” Charlie confirmed, “But we’ll work it out.”

Farley looked wary, but he followed Charlie anyway. She was his best chance.

Because she was still technically on leave, Charlie couldn’t admit Farley on her own credentials, and the limited size of the diagnostics team left her only three other options. June owed Charlie no favors, and not even a near-death experience could change that. And Ethan would probably have an aneurism just to see her in the hospital at all.

If he knew she was here with Farley, Ethan would accuse her of trying to avoid therapy. It wouldn’t be the first time he made that charge. Not that it was fair, of course.

He just didn’t understand.

He didn’t know what it meant to live like this, frozen in some horrific event. Was it a crime to hide? Was it inherently unhealthy to do so?

It was easy to get lost in a tangle of right and wrong, trapped in an argument where she was the only participant.

As much as all of this mattered, none of it really did.

Because it wasn’t two p.m. yet. She hadn’t missed anything, nor had she committed an egregious sin. There was no guilt to be felt, not for a mere thought. Was it the act that made a crime, or was it truly the idea of it?

She just needed to admit Farley, and if Ethan couldn’t help, Baz would.

It didn’t take long to find Baz. As wild and zany as he acted, he was still a creature of habit. At 11 a.m., he was by the lab, counting down the minutes to his usual noon lunch break as he balanced a lone earbud in his ear so he could tap along to his music as he charted his last patient.

The second he saw Charlie, Baz abandoned his work and whatever electronic beat previously entranced him, and he swept Charlie into a warm, tight hug. Before she could get out a word, he spoke for her.

“Charlie!” Baz exclaimed, “I’ve been so worried about you! I wanted to come and visit, but I didn’t want to overwhelm you. Where have you been? What have you been doing? When are you coming back? Tell me everything.”

Charlie stared at him blankly, so busy trying to process the questions that she couldn’t begin to form an answer.

From behind her, Farley coughed awkwardly, unsure how to respond to the animate reunion.

“Oh, who’s your friend?” Baz stepped back to look at Farley, seemingly putting all of his other questions on pause.

“That’s actually why I came to see you. I was hoping you could admit him,” Charlie began. She quickly explained Farley’s situation, emphasizing the need for further testing and her assurance that he wouldn’t be burdened by the cost. She ended by expressing that she hoped Baz wouldn’t mind doing this favor.

Baz waved her off, saying, “Of course, we’ll take his case. I have no problem speaking for the team because I’m sure Ethan would do anything for you anyway.”

He said it so casually – so oblivious to the real connotations of that sentence – that Charlie felt a flash of guilt for their prolonged deception.

And anyway, if Ethan knew she was doing this, he would probably kill her.

“I bet he’ll be so excited to see you. You should see him with the interns filling in for you. One already quit because he was such an asshole,” Baz grinned like this was an accomplishment for their colleague and a compliment for Charlie. In both respects, he wasn’t wrong.

“Do you think we could keep it a secret?” Charlie blurted out, earning a look of bewilderment from Baz, “Just because Ethan’s been really strict about me staying on leave.”

Baz looked… confused. Probably about more than Ethan’s unrelenting stubbornness. Maybe about much, much more. Possibly about something more dangerous than Charlie being discovered by Ethan.

But if he was drowning in questions, he kept it to himself. And better yet, he agreed.

“Sure,” Baz consented, and as he mulled it over, a sly smile spread across his lips, “The secret will be fun anyway.”

Charlie let out a sigh of relief as Baz turned to Farley, making his formal introductions. The three of them set off to finish Farley’s paperwork, and they let him fill out the final lines as they settled into his room. Baz formally admitted Farley as a patient of the diagnostics unit, and he and Charlie poured over his symptoms and responses. After a brief discussion, they agreed on a panel of tests, and they collected their samples.

Baz and Charlie parted ways with Baz off to get his lunch and Charlie off to deliver samples. They agreed to meet up once the results came back, and before she was out of earshot, Baz made sure to tell Charlie he was happy she was back.

She was happy, too.

She felt so close to her old self. If she didn’t look too closely, she looked like she was the same as she had always been. Like the ache in her chest was less of a permanent break and more of a temporary loss. Like all she’d really needed was to throw herself back into her old life.

Charlie deftly avoided her friends – and her boyfriend – as she made her way back from the lab. The closer she got to the end of the hall, she began to realize why it was so easy to go unnoticed. Everyone was distracted by the sound of raised voices coming from the nurse's station.

“How dare you challenge me? Do you know how many years I have on you?” Zaid’s voice boomed through the halls. Charlie grimaced for whoever was trapped on the other end of that conversation.

Then she heard Esme counter, “That doesn’t stop you from being wrong, old man.”

Charlie’s blood ran cold. It sounded like Esme was _trying_ to get fired from her residency, and without thinking, Charlie rushed towards the noise, hoping she could get Esme out of this mess somehow.

Breathless, Charlie rounded the corner and abandoned her anonymity.

But once it was too late, she caught another clue of their conversation.

“ _A Clockwork Orange_ is a masterpiece!” Zaid argued.

The adrenaline drained from Charlie’s body as she listened further, slowly discovering that her emergency fight was just a highly contentious film discussion. Charlie watched in stunned silence as they ended their debate… _jokingly_. And _smiling_.

What was she watching?

Completely forgetting her attempt at secrecy, Charlie couldn’t will herself to step away. It was like watching a very confusing train wreck. She just had to keep staring.

Zaid excused himself from the talk and began to walk towards Charlie. With nowhere to hide and no time to get away, Charlie stood like a deer in headlights waiting for her exposure.

“Greene?” Zaid tilted his head in confusion as he shared a friendly if puzzled greeting. He took a moment to acknowledge her casual clothing, but to her surprise, he opted not to ask questions. Instead, he nodded his hello and said, “Nice to have you back.”

“Charlie?” Esme echoed, walking over to greet her resident, “What are you doing here?”

“Well, I’m right _here_ because I thought you were trying to get kicked out of the program by your head resident.”

“Zaid?” Esme shook her head, looking at Charlie like she was crazy for the suggestion, “He’s my friend.”

“Friend?” Charlie repeated incredulously, crossing her arms before she begrudgingly admitted, “I guess I shouldn’t be so surprised…”

“So, are you officially back?”

Charlie shook her head, “Just back to check in a friend.”

Charlie took a look around the familiar floor. It looked deceptively regular – so unchanged that it whispered that time hadn’t passed since she last saw it.

“Have I missed anything?” Charlie asked, unable to contain her curiosity.

“Not too much,” Esme shrugged.

However, as Charlie listened to Esme’s explanation, she disagreed with Esme’s assertion that “not much” had happened. During Charlie’s absence, Esme made peace with Dr. Throne, and Charlie felt a pang of guilt that she hadn’t been part of the resolution. 

Charlie realized that, in the daze of falling in love with Ethan, treating Kyra’s cancer, and solidifying her position on the diagnostics team, she hadn’t been much of a mentor recently. She hadn’t given Esme nearly as much support as she wanted. When was the last time Charlie actively worked on a case with her intern? Did she know Esme’s strengths and weaknesses? If there was a crisis on the horizon, would Charlie be blinded by the unfamiliarity?

When Esme completed her story, Charlie felt the urge to rectify their problem, and impulsively, she asked, “What are you working on?”

“A case of walking pneumonia, a cardiac arrhythmia, and… I guess the main issue with the last patient is kidney damage. I was about to check in in him, if you want to make sure I’m doing everything right, or…?”

“I’m sure you’ve got it under control, but I would love to see you in action, if you don’t mind,” Charlie suggested, hoping she could finally give some guidance to her mentee.

“You’re my resident after all,” Esme shrugged like she didn’t care, though something in her expression implied that she was happy to have the company for the case.

Charlie followed Esme into the patient’s room, only to have the grand misfortune of coming face-to-face with Declan Nash. She hadn’t directly interacted with him since her trial, but the mere scent of his cologne made her blood boil.

At least she had the pleasure of seeing Declan’s face sour at her sight.

If she had to be around him, she was pleased to know she was his nuisance.

Declan quickly finished his discussion with the patient and his family, and as he exited the room, he leaned close to Charlie to whisper, “Try not to get this one killed, Greene.”

Charlie glared in his direction and didn’t let out an exhale until she knew he was safely out of the room.

Her first day back and that bastard dared to call her a murderer?

Charlie's cheeks felt flush. Her heart raced. And something dark and heavy lurked in the depths of her memory, a tragedy far closer than Mrs. Martinez’s passing.

She was distracted. She wanted to fume or yell or… or… _something._

She couldn’t be in an emotional haze in this room, not with a patient and his family. She tried hard to snap out of it, but its stubborn claws hooked into her skin.

Esme introduced her to the Coates family, forcing Charlie to cloak herself in professionalism until it was no longer an act anymore. She greeted them cordially and appropriately, going out of her way to explain that she was just there as an observer and that her presence shouldn’t prompt any concern about their son’s condition or Esme’s competency.

Charlie spoke to Mrs. and Mr. Coates about their son, Levi, and his condition. The entire time, she watched Esme and Levi. It was impossible to miss the glow on Esme’s cheeks or the flirty tinge to their exchanges. Charlie skimmed the chart silently, opting to say nothing as she observed further.

Since meeting Esme, Charlie had never seen her like this – so jovial and accommodating, and even _smiling_. Charlie couldn’t shake the feeling that she was watching something wrong and maybe even dangerous. It was unprofessional, of course, but it wouldn’t be the first time flirtation had been used with a patient. Charlie herself had used it to calm a few sexist men into submission while she completed exams. There was a line, and Esme stood dangerously close to it.

When they left Levi’s room, Charlie had a strong concern for the patient, but it was rivaled by concern for her resident.

Was Esme in danger? Was she close to making the same mistake that nearly cost Charlie her career? Was this a result of Charlie’s negligence?

Charlie was lost to it. Her mind swam in a sea of guilt and self-doubt. She blamed herself for atrocities that hadn’t even happened. She worried about her friend’s career and future. She wondered if she was a hypocrite for judging an inappropriate romance. Was this the same line? Was Esme emboldened to approach it because she watched Charlie do the same with a superior?

Her fear of discovery and need for secrecy was crowded out.

She made no attempt at hiding when she left Levi’s room.

She walked freely through the halls, so distracted that she forgot the very premise of her presence.

She walked right into the fire.

Equally ignorant to the impending catastrophe, Ethan Ramsey walked the halls with a group of interns, checking over their work and quizzing them as he prepared to interact with a patient. Each of the four interns had prepared rigorously for this check-up, yet each question felt more terrifying than the last.

They were so wrapped up in impressing him that they didn’t notice when he stopped dead in his tracks, and it took considerable effort not to trip over him.

Ethan stared ahead, eyes blazing as they met Charlie’s from across the hallway.

“Shit,” Charlie mumbled.

“What are you doing here?” Ethan demanded, seemingly ambivalent to the crowd behind him and unconcerned with what they saw. He moved towards Charlie in purposeful strides. He looked like a man on a mission, and Charlie had the misfortune of being his opposition.

“Checking on a patient.”

Ethan’s eyebrow quirked up at her answer, “You’re on leave. You don’t have patients.”

“Actually, _I do_ ,” Charlie combatted.

Heat rose through her body, igniting her limbs and turning her skin a shade of pink as she fumed.

Who the fuck did he think he was?

He couldn’t talk to her like that, not _here_.

He wasn’t her boyfriend here. He didn’t control her. He didn’t dictate her movements, nor did he have the authority to treat her like this in a public hallway.

If he was so fucking determined that she wasn’t back, then he wasn’t her fucking superior.

“How?” Ethan struggled to contain his building anger. What the hell was she doing here? Was she this irresponsible, this damned and determined to prove her health that she would willfully ignore her mandated leave?

Was this all some big attempt to avoid therapy? Had she become a slave to her stubborn need to be perfect?

“Actually, _I don’t care_ ,” Ethan cut her off before she could explain Farley and his admission via Baz, “However you got a patient, you don’t have one anymore.”

“You can’t do that!”

“I just did.”

Charlie glared at him.

 _This asshole!_ she lamented.

It was his fucking fault. All of this was his fucking fault. He was the dick that wouldn’t let her come back to work. She needed to work. She needed to be herself again. He was so self-important that he thought he knew what was best for her and refused to listen. Self-righteous bastard.

“ _Leave_ , before you’re late for your appointment,” Ethan knew he was being a prick. But he felt like he _had_ to. He was so angry and so concerned. He needed Charlie to get help. He needed her to get better. He needed her to try, even when she didn’t want to. He couldn’t let her do this, not when so much was at stake.

“No,” Charlie asserted defiantly.

“ _Excuse me?_ ”

“I said, _no._ ”

Ethan stared in unbridled shock and contempt.

Was she really defying his authority in front of a group of interns?

Behind him, the interns stared, mouths agape. They had never seen _anyone_ talk to Dr. Ramsey this way, and they couldn’t believe it was Dr. Greene doing it. They kept waiting for Dr. Ramsey to unleash hell, but if he ever did, they didn’t notice. Charlie stood unshaken, practically daring him to go further.

“You are a resident, and I am your attending!” Ethan boomed.

Charlie’s eyes narrowed. How dare he bring up their power imbalance like that! Was that how he always looked at her, like a resident forced to meet his demands?

“I thought you said I wasn’t a resident today,” Charlie pushed sarcastically.

Ethan seethed, “I’m going to Naveen.”

If he couldn’t make her realize how irresponsible and ridiculous, maybe Naveen could. He could remind her of the hospital’s mandate that she receive therapy before returning to work. Maybe then she’d stop being so foolish and immature.

“Go right ahead,” Charlie shrugged, a shark contrast to her fiery eyes and firm expression, “Take up time going to Dr. Banerji’s office. Wait for his time, lay out your case, pray that he’s on your side. Even if he doesn’t want to greet me or has no affinity for me _saving his life last year_ , think of all the time you’re taking up, Dr. Ramsey. What time do you think we’ll be done? 1? 2? Maybe even 2:30? Are you _sure_ you want to take that risk?”

Ethan Ramsey wanted to kill Charlie.

He loved her, yes, but god damn it, he wanted to kill her.

Her argument, as condescending and insulting as it was, was just sound enough that Ethan couldn’t find the right way to attack it through the cloud of anger and worry and insult.

“You’re making a mistake, Charlie,” Ethan lowered his voice, staring so deeply into her eyes that he hoped he could find his way past the walls she built to justify today.

“Until you’re living through this, don’t tell me what I’m doing, Ethan,” Charlie lowered her voice in return, layering her sharp comments with the intimacy of a whisper. It cut much deeper.

Ethan shook his head in fury and disgust, and he stormed off, depriving Charlie of the opportunity of ever truly knowing if she was right. He left her to sink in her wrath, the only punishment that felt suitable.

Charlie didn’t give him the benefit of watching him go. Instead, she stormed off on her own, leaving the interns abandoned in the hallway.

“So, that just happened…” one of them commented, eyes still wide with shock.

“Was it just me, or was there a lot of sexual tension?” another ventured boldly, looking around for support.

“Oh definitely. If they’re not having sex, they definitely should,” an intern agreed.

“That’s our _boss_ you’re talking about,” Ava asserted, so deep in her crush that the idea of Ethan Ramsey sleeping with his mentee made her squirm.

The first intern turned to Esme, who was still lingering in the halls with her chart, and asked her to be the decider. “Esme,” they called her over, “You know Greene. Is there something going on with her and Ramsey?”

Esme glared at the group, “Don’t you have _work to do_?”

Suddenly reminded of their professional status, they dropped the conversation and moved on to the rest of their work.

Not that Charlie could drop it that easily…

She couldn’t believe what had just happened. Her day began by teasing Ethan about _Grey’s Anatomy_ , and now she was yelling at him in hospital hallways. She couldn’t believe he’d been such an asshole. He hadn’t even allowed her to explain, and he attacked with no evidence of wrongdoing. He tried to use his power over her to force her to bend to his will.

She didn’t want to entertain the possibility that he was right.

But it crept in slowly, joining a swirl of concerns. Esme and the patient. Farley and his mystery disease. Ethan and his accusations. Her relationship and the newfound distrust. The interns and their gossip. And…

There was a block in front of the thought – the final lingering worry. The omnipresent yet silent trauma.

She couldn’t form the thought. It was too removed, too distant. Asking why was a dangerous game, one she feared she would inevitably lose.

So, Charlie tried to distract herself by going to the lab to pick up Farley’s tests. She was eager to have something – _anything_ – else to focus on. But to her dismay, the tests were unavailable.

She opted for the next best distraction – her friends.

It was nearing lunchtime, and she went to the cafeteria in search of a familiar face to entertain and divert her.

Initially, she found no such friend. A few interns were crowding at a table, but she knew none of them well enough to join without fear of unrelenting questions about her ordeal, the cure effort, and her recovery. She wasted time going through the cafeteria line, grabbing whatever meal looked the least terrible and stalling at the drink station to find a lunch partner.

The mission itself kept her occupied.

It gave her enough time to avoid her problems before a new distraction arrived.

Esme entered the cafeteria in a daze, so much so that she hardly seemed to notice her packed lunch in front of her. She didn’t even finish unpacking it. Instead, she twirled a fork in a cluster of pasta, twisting it thoughtlessly without ever bringing it to her lips.

Maybe she needed a distraction as much as Charlie needed one.

Charlie approached her, and briefly snapping out of it, Esme offered her a chair.

Their conversation consisted mainly of small talk. Neither wanted to discuss the fight with Ethan, and they similarly didn’t want to approach Esme’s relationship with Levi. So, they passed comments about the hospital and discussed a case or two. Nothing particularly noteworthy until Esme shared an unusual question.

“What do you think we, as doctors, should do for our patients if the right thing isn’t allowed?” Esme asked carefully.

Charlie’s skin prickled with nervousness as she clarified, “Can you be more specific?”

“No. I’m just… wondering. If there’s a morally right thing to do, but there are rules in place to stop you from doing it… what do you do?”

Charlie recognized that kind of question.

It was the same kind she had asked herself nearly a year earlier, when she broke various laws and hospital policies to ensure the best care for her patient. The morally right thing to do left blood on her hands and a price on her head. Had she not been the wonder girl capable of saving a respected diagnostician, she wouldn’t be allowed anywhere near a patient ever again. She risked everything to be morally righteous.

And she felt like she was watching Esme go down the same path.

“I think…” Charlie took a deep breath, “I think I’ve broken those rules a lot. For different reasons and different people. But sometimes, those rules are there for a reason.”

“Right…” Esme sighed, looking more lost than she had before she asked.

There was a lot left to say and explain. Charlie wanted to share so much more. Hopefully, she could get Esme to share in return, and maybe she could stop her before she did something irreversible and irredeemable.

But there wasn’t time.

Their conversation was cut off by Elijah calling to them from a few tables away. He rushed to the table in excitement, “Charlie, what are you doing here?”

Instantly, Esme shrank back into her shell, and it was too late to get anything out of her.

While Charlie explained the situation with Farley, Sienna and Bryce wandered over, forcing her to start over. They were all excited to see her, so excited that Kyra ran from her office to the table just to hug Charlie.

It was nice to be basked in warmth and affection after Charlie’s hellacious day, and it was even nicer to be distracted.

They were in the middle of Bryce’s exciting retelling of his latest surgery when Jackie surprised them all by slamming her tray on the table and joining them.

“I thought you had a speaking engagement with Panacea,” Elijah said to Jackie, earning a glare.

“I’m not going.”

“But why? You said the food was so much better-“ Sienna started, only to be silenced by Jackie.

“I’m _just not going_ ,” she snapped, “It’s not a big deal. Just shut up about it.”

The table went silent, the excitement and energy cooled by Jackie’s cold irritability. No one asked further questions, though Jackie herself let a few details slip through barked complaints. She wouldn’t dare let anyone know the full story, though. That was clear enough.

Charlie, of course, worried for her friend. Jackie had been so normal this morning, and Charlie couldn’t imagine what accounted for the change in her. Only something terrible could have caused it. Instinctively, Charlie wanted to fix it. She wanted to support her friends like they’d supported her, by piecing her back together once she shattered.

Before she knew it, Jackie’s problem – whatever it was – was just another concern circling her brain.

The larger the cluster of thoughts and worries became, the harder it was to ignore them.

The harder it was to ignore the central thought – the true terror.

The lunch didn’t last much longer after Jackie’s dampening outbursts, and the group slowly split off, all back to work except for Charlie.

Still assigned the sole patient, Charlie decided to check on Farley’s labs again, and she prayed they were finally done so she could complete the job she came here to do. The entire walk, she thought of the day and its trials. Her friends and their issues, her relationship and its damage… She searched for ways to fix it, to make it all go away.

But the more she searched for solutions to problems outside of herself, the muddier the water became and the deeper she sank.

Charlie passed the E.R. on the way to the lab, and she curiously peaked inside, if just to give her something to do while waiting for Farley’s results.

She saw Ethan.

Instead of feeling the rage he left her with, something pulled at her heart to approach him – to talk this out. Maybe even tell him how wrong he was and prove to him that he’d been an asshole. The urge didn’t seem to care what she said as long as she said something.

So, without a plan, Charlie entered the E.R. and approached Ethan on impulse.

For a moment, Ethan felt happy to see her…

Then he remembered why she was here, and he realized that she hadn’t left yet. She was still stubbornly avoiding the help she needed. His face hardened accordingly.

Charlie opened her mouth to say something – anything really.

She never got to know what those words would be because she never got a chance to say them.

They were interrupted by the sound of a paramedic at the ambulance bay doors.

“I have a patient here!” the paramedic called out, “Unconscious female, 50s.”

When no one rushed to help her, Charlie and Ethan looked around the E.R. It was unusually busy, and no one was available to help. Knowing their duty, they both instinctively ran to the patient.

“We’ll take her!” Ethan called out, and Charlie’s eyes briefly shot to his, surprised he said ‘ _we_.’

Ethan reached the patient first, and he momentarily stilled at the sight. Confused, Charlie looked to her, expecting some truly gruesome scene to knock him off his game so effortlessly. But instantly, she understood.

She knew this woman.

They both did.

Even if Charlie had never met her before, she would recognize this face.

Ethan looked just like his mother…

“Oh my God,” Charlie gasped under her breath.

Ethan scrambled to regain his lost concentration, and his eyes flit up and down her body, looking for some symptom to latch on to the case.

“Blue lips and fingertips,” he blurted out, “How’s her breathing?”

He seemed just calm enough that no one else gave him mind, but Charlie could see the panic in his eyes – the uncertainty and astonishment. He needed her help.

“Shallow,” Charlie confirmed.

“Pupils are small and unresponsive…”

Charlie knew little about Ethan’s mother, Louise, but she recognized the symptoms. Bracing herself for the worst possibility, Charlie inspected Louise’s arms. As she expected, it was lined with track marks.

“It looks like an opioid overdose. We need to wake her up,” Charlie looked at Ethan as she said it, trying to gauge his reaction.

He didn’t know how to react.

Beyond the look of shock, there was no room to react. There was no room to feel this. To feel… sympathy and concern and… He didn’t want to feel it. She didn’t deserve it. And none of it would save her.

Ethan began the process of trying to wake her, his anger building up with every passing second. He watched her eyes roll back in her head, and a quiet voice wondered if this horrific moment would even classify as his worst memory of her…

Charlie readied an injection and quickly administered it. Louise responded as they hoped. With a shuttering breath, she rejoined the world and began to gain consciousness.

The second she did, Ethan took a step back.

He did all he was obligated.

He owed her nothing more.

And the anger – the _roaring anger_ – was so loud. He couldn’t be here.

“Alright. She’ll make it,” Ethan determined, turning to a nearby nurse as he said, “Keep an eye on her. I’m done here.”

As the nurse took custody of Louise and her care, Ethan strode out of the room wordlessly, never even bothering to look over his shoulder.

Charlie knew she couldn’t let him go alone.

Even if he was an asshole who hated her right now, he couldn’t be alone.

Charlie followed after him, arriving at the empty on-call room only moments after he had. She found him sitting on one of the beds, fists tightly balled at his side and his chest rising and falling with a series of ragged breaths.

She approached him slowly, preparing herself for the possibility that he may push her away. To her surprise, he let him sit beside her.

Really, he knew he needed her.

“Ethan, are you alright?” Charlie whispered, placing a comforting hand on his back and rubbing soothing circles.

She watched him as she waited for his response. Or rather, she inspected him. She noted the pain and the frustration and the anger and the sorrow, and she wanted to fix it. She wanted to erase all of it. She wanted to go back… She wanted to go back to a time when nothing was complicated, when the only worry was loving him. Yet everything was so shrouded in sorrow and trauma that she couldn’t even determine when that was.

“She does _not_ get to do this to me. She does not get to make me feel sorry for her,” Ethan lamented, exasperated.

“I know,” Charlie smoothed his hair, her heart aching, “But it’s okay to be sad, Ethan.”

“I’m not sad. I’m… I’m… _angry_ ,” Ethan shook his head vehemently.

“That’s okay. _Anything_ you’re feeling is okay.”

“I’m…” Ethan felt like he was on edge, his footing so precarious that he might fall in. And the hole he stood above was so deep, so neglected that falling inside would be a death sentence. He couldn’t imagine touching that – his childhood, his abandonment, or his similarities to his mother. It would burn him. It would destroy him.

And Louise didn’t get to decide when it was touched.

She didn’t decide when he faced his issues. She didn’t get that right.

Ethan had to run away from the edge.

And that meant running into the anger.

There was so much of it.

For Louise. For his childhood. For his pain. Even for Charlie, for his wonderful Charlie.

It had to be released, and she had the misfortune of being there.

“I’m angry with you, Charlie,” he pulled away from her soothing touch.

“What?” Charlie shrank back, surprised he would bring that up _now_.

“Do you think you can do this without consequences, Charlie?” he snapped, “That you can just keep running and it will work out? Are you going to throw yourself into crisis after crisis until you finally break? Because you _will_. If you weren’t so stubborn, you would know that.”

“ _Me?_ Stubborn?” Charlie stood, incensed.

“I’m going back to work,” Ethan rolled his eyes, not even giving her the time of day.

“You’re not going through this, Ethan! You don’t get to tell me what to do!” she yelled after him.

He paused at the door, too insulted not to respond, “I’m not living through this? I wasn’t there? I didn’t _hold your lifeless body_? I haven’t been with you every fucking step of the way?” he countered, “You’re right, Charlotte. I wasn’t in that room, but I sure as hell didn’t leave unscathed. None of us did.”

Charlie looked away, briefly ashamed that she’d questioned his suffering.

She knew he was traumatized. It wasn’t fair to imply otherwise.

“You’re still so stubborn you never even asked why I’m here,” she couldn’t face her last accusation, so she settled on another.

“You’re here. That’s enough to be disappointed, Rookie,” Ethan shook his head. He wrapped his hand around the door handle and hesitated.

There was an urge to stay. Even if they fought, it was better to be next to her…

But if they stayed, they would only cut deeper.

So, he left Charlie in the on-call room, cold and alone. She stared at the wall, waiting for the feelings to subside before she entered the real world.

But they didn’t subside. Instead, she felt a heaviness in her chest, an aching cry waiting to escape.

She was overwhelmed and upset. And…

She didn’t know what she was doing, or what she was supposed to be doing.

She looked aimlessly at her phone, and she realized she was running out of time.

Sooner or later, she would have to make a decision. Was she going to her appointment? Or had Ethan been right?

Unable to sit in her confusion and hurt any longer, she stumbled out of the on-call room and went to the lab to finally pick up Farley’s results.

She hardly made it down the hall before she ran into Esme, who held her notebook tightly as she approached Charlie. Charlie couldn’t get away before Esme cornered her, and Charlie tried her best to seem upbeat and normal, a task that felt more and more challenging as the day went on.

“I had an idea to help Levi. I want to throw him a little birthday party here at the hospital.” Esme began, having prepared a pitch in her head as soon as she came up with the idea.

“You want to throw him a party?” Charlie repeated incredulously.

“Yeah, I have a lot of ideas, but honestly, I have no clue how to put it all together,” Esme handed Charlie the notebook, revealing a full page of notes.

Charlie quickly skimmed the page, her chest growing tight.

“This is very kind, but…”

“But what?”

“Esme,” Charlie paused, trying to find words in her jumbled head, “I had a patient during my first year. I met her on my first day. Her name was Teresa Martinez, and the whole hospital loved her. She was my friend, and I let my feelings cloud my judgment.”

“The trial thing?” Esme asked quietly, having heard whispers in the hospital about Charlie’s big scandal.

“Yes, the trial. I wanted to help her so badly that I risked my job and my license. I went too far, Esme. Morally, I know I did the right thing for her, but I almost lost everything. You have to be careful…”

“I’m just throwing a party for Levi,” Esme took a step back defensively.

“I know, I’m just trying to warn you-“ Charlie tried to explain, but Esme looked hurt at the suggestion. She had to make her understand that she was just trying to help.

But once again, there was no time.

There was never time.

There was just one crisis after another.

Esme and Charlie heard a woman yelling in a nearby hallway, and they both rushed over to catch the commotion and see what was going on.

“My shift ended ten minutes ago, and I’ve already done two enemas for you this week. After everything we’ve gone through recently, are you seriously not even going to try to pitch in?” Sienna shouted at her intern, Mitch, who stared like a deer in headlights.

“Hey now. There’s no reason to get emotional…” Mitch chastised her.

Charlie’s jaw dropped, and the growing crowd collectively gasped.

“I’m not emotional, I’m _done!_ You’re an intern, you’re here to learn, not wet yourself whenever there’s work to do!” Sienna shamed him.

The crowd laughed, and Mitch’s face flushed with embarrassment.

What started as awe and pride for her friend shifted to shock and horror as Charlie watched Sienna publicly humiliate Mitch, verbally eviscerate her intern. It was one thing to call him on his shit, but as she continued, it bordered on harassment. The crowd egged her on, throwing out new insults and adding their own to further hurt Mitch.

They were right that he was a sexist, lazy intern, but this?

This could get them all in trouble. The last thing Charlie wanted to see was Sienna punished for harassing her mentee.

Charlie just needed to calm her down. She needed to fix this. And she could! She just needed time and help and…

_No._

No, she couldn’t.

Charlie couldn’t help her. She couldn’t make her friend stop. Charlie couldn’t fix everything.

She couldn’t give herself to everyone else’s problems when she couldn’t touch her own.

Instinctively, Charlie looked to the nurse’s station, wanting to find Danny’s face in the gathering. But he wasn’t there. He would never be there. Neither would Bobby.

That was what Charlie hadn’t let herself think. That was what she was hiding from.

She couldn’t keep doing it.

She couldn’t keep drowning herself in everyone else’s horrors to avoid her own.

Suddenly granted with clarity, Charlie turned to Esme, “I need you to do something for me.”

“What?”

“There’s a man named Farley in room 407. I need you to get his labs and give them to Baz. Tell Farley that I’m sorry I couldn’t stay, but there’s somewhere I need to be.”

“Sure…” Esme agreed, looking somewhat confused and hoping for more of an explanation.

But Charlie didn’t have time.

Charlotte Greene went to her therapy appointment not for Ethan or the hospital but for herself.

She made the choice, and she picked herself and her own healing.

It was the only way to truly move forward.


	23. Forgiveness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Charlie’s dramatic first day back at Edenbrook (and Ethan and Charlie’s two dramatic fights), they’re both trying to come to terms with what happened and and reach forgiveness.

Ethan Ramsey wasn’t looking for Charlie Greene.

He really wasn’t. He didn’t want to see her at all after their fight in the on-call room. He still couldn’t believe how irresponsible and careless she was. He replayed it over and over, cycling through the day but always ending in the on-call room.

Occasionally, he grazed something unsavory – like the possibility he had also responded rashly or those moments in the E.R. preceding the fight– but he ran from those thoughts as quickly as they came.

It was a coincidence that Ethan was roaming the hospital, looking down every hall and scanning every group for a familiar face.

He _wasn’t_ looking for her. 

But, if he just so happened to see her, he was prepared.

He had a speech.

Absent the rush of emotions of their previous exchanges, Ethan finally articulated his argument, and he knew exactly what he wanted to tell her. He was ready to say that she was wrong for missing her appointment and that, if she continued to live in denial, she was risking her health and safety as well as that of her patients. He wasn’t angry because she was lonely or bored at home. He was angry because he was watching the woman he loved throw away her chance at healing.

He had never been this disappointed and angry while also overwhelmed with love, and he wasn’t sure how to proceed with such conflicting feelings. He loved Charlie so much, but he was also so _angry_. He simultaneously longed to run to her and run away from her.

Then there was Louise…

Ethan recoiled from the thought, eager to get her out of his mind as she had been for decades. He knew he was angry at her. He might even hate her. But that was all locked away now, safely put out of reach so he never had to experience it. He registered that it began to boil over, and it triggered his instinct to run. There was a moment where Ethan thought he ought to stay – to experience the pain just as he begged Charlotte to experience hers – but he lacked the skills, or maybe he lacked the bravery.

He checked his watch to distract himself.

1:50 pm.

Just 10 minutes to Charlie’s therapy appointment.

She hadn’t technically missed it yet, but she might as well have. It would be impossible to get across town in just ten minutes.

She picked denial over healing.

The flames of Ethan’s anger spread back through his chest, and any hint of Louise’s trauma slipped through his fingers, safety out of mind.

Spotting a large group clustered at the end of the hall, Ethan decided to take his chances – though again, he was _not_ looking for Charlie. Clearly, he had missed some major drama by the looks of the gossiping crowd, but he didn’t care enough to ask what had happened as they began to dissipate. Instead, he scanned every face for the familiar resident.

She wasn’t there, but her intern was.

Ethan felt confident that Charlie couldn’t have gone half a day in Edenbrook without encountering her friends, so he approached Esme to ask her where she was.

“Dr. Ortega,” Ethan greeted the intern.

Esme, who had been scribbling in a notebook at the nurse’s station, was surprised to see Dr. Ramsey and even more surprised to be addressed by him. She scrambled to close the notebook, and Ethan noted that a distinct look of guilt as she did.

“Something wrong?” he looked directly at the notebook, though he declined to directly ask her about it. Interns were famous for being unnecessarily afraid of him and hiding innocuous things, but he had never known Esme to fear anything.

“No,” Esme steeled her gaze, “Did you need something?”

Esme was making it clear she didn’t want to talk about whatever was in the notebook. Normally, he might have pushed but not today.

“Have you seen Dr. Greene?”

“She left twenty minutes ago,” Esme answered, “She left me with her patient. I’m about to pick up the labs for Dr. Mirani like she asked.”

“She left?” Ethan asked, the color draining from his face, “Did she say why?”

“No?” Esme didn’t understand why Dr. Ramsey had so many questions for her. They had never spoken this long, and she wasn’t eager to keep this going when she had more important things to do.

Ethan couldn’t believe it.

She left…

30 minutes before the appointment.

She could have gone.

He could have been wrong about her this entire time.

Ethan didn’t know what to think as the roaring heat of fury dissipated into icy uncertainty. What if he had waged a noble war on unsolid ground? Had all of this anger been misplaced? Charlie warned him that he was wrong and that he should have listened to her…. Maybe she was right.

Without the anger, Ethan had nothing to focus on.

He was freefalling.

He was anxious. He was afraid. He was uncertain. He was…

He tried to avoid it. He focused on Esme instead.

“You’re taking the labs to Dr. Mirani?” Ethan clarified.

“That’s what she told me to do,” Esme confirmed, struggling to hide her impatience.

The hidden notebook was the least of her secrets today, though she still reasoned that none of it needed to be a secret. After all of Levi’s suffering, he deserved a birthday party and all the help she could give him. She hadn’t expected Charlie’s reservations, nor had she expected them to sting as much as they did. Nonetheless, Esme felt no need to heed Charlie’s warning. She was throwing the party, and she found other interns who agreed with her. The only thing Charlie accomplished was showing her that some would disapprove.

Undoubtedly, Dr. Greene’s not-so-secret boyfriend would be at the top of that list.

Ethan sensed her evasion.

As her attending, he wondered if it was his responsibility to push for more information.

After Charlie’s debacle last year, the board would prefer he did, but Ethan wasn’t partial to the idea, especially because he knew Esme had been kind enough to hide their relationship for months now. Could he not give her a secret?

“Are you busy today, Dr. Ortega?”

“Um…” Esme stammered, “Yes, sir. Always.”

“Then I’ll take Dr. Greene’s patient from you. No need piling on more responsibilities.”

Esme stared in shock. She had never seen Dr. Ramsey try to make an intern’s day _easier_ , and she wondered if Charlie would approve of her handing off the case. Esme shuttered to think that she was stumbling into some couple’s quarrel.

Ultimately, the convenience was too much to give up, so she accepted Ethan’s offer.

“Uh, okay.”

“Great, do you have the chart?”

“No, I haven’t picked it up yet,” Esme admitted, “It’s for room 407, someone named Farley. Charlie told me to give the labs to Baz and tell Farley that she was sorry she had to leave.”

Ethan was disappointed to be without the chart but politely nodded goodbye anyway. He was curious about the patient that brought Charlie back to Edenbrook, so much so that he went directly to the lab.

Luckily, the results for room 407 were ready, and he skimmed them as he went in search of Baz. They had done a full workup for this man and rightfully so. He tested positive for Lyme disease, though it appeared to be in the early stages.

“Ramsey?” Baz rounded the corner, sounding nervous as he looked between Ethan and room 407. Baz worried that Ethan was dangerously close to ruining the secret Charlie made him promise to keep.

“Baz,” Ethan greeted, holding out the labs, “Charlie sent these.”

Ethan watched Baz carefully, studying his reaction for some clue.

The second that Baz heard Charlie’s name, Baz let out a deep sigh of relief.

“Well, I’ll admit that I’m relieved I don’t have to keep that secret any longer,” Baz grinned, looking at Ethan jovially like they now shared a joke. Ethan didn’t smile back. Suddenly afraid he was in trouble, Baz clarified, “Though, of course, the only reason I admitted Farley under the Diagnostics Team was that I knew you would approve.”

Ethan struggled to hide his surprise that they had admitted him under the Diagnostics Team. Nothing about his patient profile indicated that he needed to be treated by the team, nor had the team discussed him at all. Why would they do that?

“Of course…” Ethan murmured, distracted, “So, who is this man?”

“Charlie didn’t tell you?” Baz asked, shocked.

“She had to leave, so she didn’t have time.”

He wasn’t lying, but it would have been more accurate to say that Ethan never gave Charlie a chance to tell him.

Oblivious, Baz explained on Charlie’s behalf. He told Ethan everything that Charlie had told him this morning – that Farley was her landlord who exhibited a concerning rash and that, if they didn’t admit him under the Diagnostics Team, he wouldn’t check on it at all because of his insurance deductible.

The story framed Charlie as an innocent bystander who got pulled into Edenbrook by her duty to a friend.

And it framed Ethan as the asshole who screamed at her in the hallway.

It was difficult to maintain perspective. Ethan could only see one of them as innocent and the other as guilty. Up until now, he had firmly established himself as the innocent party. Now, the roles were uncertain, though it appeared he was more guilty than innocent.

They shared responsibility in the events that transpired today. They couldn’t have yelled at each other in isolation, and they were both acting on outside trauma. Knowing this should have soothed Ethan, but it did nothing to quell his desire to determine the disagreement's true source. Despite all rationality, Ethan longed to know what had started this fight – and who was responsible. If he could just figure that out, he could silence his sinking anxiety and uncertainty, and he could diagnose their problems and move forward.

Of course, making such a determination required hearing Charlie’s side of the story – something he couldn’t do after he stubbornly rejected it over an hour ago

Farley recognized Ethan’s unease as soon as he entered the room. He interpreted it as a result of his case rather than a reflection of the diagnostician’s crumbling personal life. Worried, Farley asked if the deal was off and if he would have to pay for the visit after all. Belatedly, he realized that the doctors could be uncomfortable because of his results and panicked. Farley then asked if he was dying.

Ethan assured him otherwise and made an effort to separate himself from his personal life for the duration of the visit.

Like Charlie, Ethan found himself wanting to help Farley and went out of his way to make things as easy as possible for him. He took the case over from Baz and took his time explaining the diagnosis.

If Ethan were honest, he would have to admit that he stayed a little too long because he liked avoiding his thoughts in this room.

Eventually, he ran out of things to say to Farley, and he promised to send an intern by to finalize the treatment plan and discharge him.

The second Ethan stepped out of room 407, his mind was back in the on-call room.

The fight played on a loop. Every time, it got closer to Louise, only to snap back to the fight.

It was like his mind wanted to stay there, to hide in the anger and hurt rather than face the deeper neglect and trauma lurking in his mother’s arrival. Now that he knew the truth about Charlie’s return to Edenbrook, it was increasingly difficult to hold onto the rage, and he veered dangerously close to unresolved trauma he’d carefully avoided all of his adult life.

Ethan was relieved to find two interns lurking nearby, and he approached them quickly, partially to take Farley and partially to distract himself.

Getting closer, he was pleased to recognize Ava Silva as part of the duo. She was a competent intern – possibly the star of the whole class if she continued to perform. In fact, the young intern reminded him a great deal of Charlie. Perhaps that was why he favored her over most of the other interns.

The other member of the duo, Damon Walker, was less exciting. He had never distinguished himself, but he wasn’t particularly incompetent. Ethan disliked working with Damon primarily for his personality. He was a boisterous man with too little confidence to carry through with any of his bold actions, so he oscillated between audacious declarations and nervous or nonexistent follow-through.

Ava and Damon realized too late that Dr. Ramsey was walking towards them. They had no time to run, and after witnessing his public fight with his favorite resident, they feared what he would say to mere interns. Even Ava, who was deeply in love with him, stared in concern.

“Silva,” Ethan greeted her. A beat later, he realized he hadn’t said anything to Damon and added, “Walker.”

“Yes, sir?” Ava prompted curiously.

“I have a patient in room 407. He’s been diagnosed with Lyme disease. We’ve already gone over his treatment plan, but I need an intern to follow up and discharge him. Can either of you take it?”

“I can,” Damon said quickly, hoping to take the case before Ava could. Ava had already proven herself to Dr. Ramsey, and Damon needed all the opportunities he could get.

“Fine,” Ethan failed to hide his disappointment as he handed the young doctor Farley’s chart.

Damon nodded, and a brief silence passed.

Ethan was preparing to leave with Damon stupidly decided to fill it.

Honestly, no one could imagine what possessed him to say what he said next. The only defense he had was that he naively thought he would get brownie points with Dr. Ramsey by getting him to vent. Had he used even one brain cell, he would have known that was a terrible idea.

“So, that was some fight, huh?” Damon blurted out.

Ava’s eyes widened, and Ethan’s jaw tightened.

“ _Excuse me?”_

“In the hall. With the resident. The one you were yelling at,” Damon explained, watching as Ethan’s glare hardened with every word. Trying to work his way out of it, he continued, “Not that you weren’t right. You totally were. She was being crazy. I mean, she needed to respect your authority.”

Damon realized he was digging himself a hole the second he said the word “crazy,” but he just couldn’t stop himself.

Ethan wanted to kill him.

How dare he talk about Charlie that way!

And furthermore, why did he think he had the right to discuss any of this with him?

Ethan reached for the chart and effortlessly took it out of Damon’s hand. Wordlessly, he handed it to Silva instead, effectively giving her the patient. He also made a mental note to never give Damon a case again.

Unbeknownst to Ethan, Naveen Banerji was walking up behind him and had caught the end of the conversation. He laughed to himself at the intern’s clear mistake, and hoping to ease the tension, Naveen interrupted.

“Ethan, you’re yelling at residents again? Who is the poor soul this time?” Naveen smiled playfully as he joined the group.

Naveen never expected anyone to give him a name. At best, he thought he would hear a story about a resident’s incompetence and Ethan’s punishment, but Damon made another mistake.

“Dr. Greene,” Damon answered, oblivious to Naveen’s intentions.

Naveen’s face dropped, and he turned to Ethan with concern. The mood of the conversation instantly shifted.

Naveen was an observant man. Even without confirmation, he knew that Ethan’s relationship with Charlie had evolved over the course of the last year, and he wagered that his friend was quite dependent on the young resident now. Their partnership – platonic or not – was far beyond Ethan’s bouts of public punishment. Normally, Ethan wouldn’t dare yell at Charlie, especially not at work in front of interns.

Something had to be wrong.

Now alerted to a change in Ethan, Naveen studied his mentee.

Ethan looked… tired. Exhausted, even. Like he was holding on through sheer will. It took considerable effort to keep his expression blank, but Ethan couldn’t afford a single emotion. It might expose too much.

Naveen realized he had been too cavalier now.

He should have gone to Ethan as soon as he heard about Louise.

In the silence, Ava elbowed Damon for his egregious mistake and took the opportunity to excuse them both before he said anything else to get him kicked out of the program. Once they were gone, Naveen and Ethan lingered – both unsure what to say or do next.

“You yelled at Charlie?” Naveen asked, his voice more casual and intimate now. Before, he had been playing the role of the lovable boss. Now, he was just Ethan’s friend.

“It’s a long story,” Ethan muttered, avoiding eye contact.

“I have time.”

Ethan looked to Naveen, hesitant.

A year ago, he could have sat in this feeling alone. He could have drowned himself in his work until the wee hours of the morning and turned to scotch once he got home. He could distract himself until it faded from his attention.

But Charlie had changed things. She made him want to feel things so often that he had forgotten his best coping mechanisms. She left him bare and unprotected, and even when he was angry with her, she was the one he wanted to be with.

So, he accepted Naveen’s offer.

“I’m going back to my office to make coffee if you’d like some.”

Naveen paused, remembering the burnt coffee Ethan offered during his last dark day, but he said “yes” nonetheless.

Together, they walked to his office, and Naveen took the seat opposite Ethan’s desk, watching politely as Ethan made the pair their coffee. They were mostly silent, exchanging only a few words about their coffee preferences. Ethan took his coffee black, but Naveen couldn’t stomach a cup without a respectable amount of cream and sugar.

The air between them was thick with unspoken tension.

Ethan returned with the coffees before Naveen could decide how he wanted to begin, and Naveen was delighted to find that Ethan’s distraction was no longer ruining his coffee.

Ultimately giving up on diplomacy, Naveen decided to postulate his theory, “I assume you didn’t know that Charlotte was coming in this morning then.”

“Not until I saw her, no,” Ethan watched Naveen warily, suspicion crawling up his throat as he asked, “Did you?”

“I heard rumors as soon as she entered the building,” Naveen admitted, “I just assumed you approved of her visit.”

Ethan knew it was irrational to blame Naveen. For months, he and Charlie had been close partners. Ethan was rarely – if ever – unaware of what Charlie was doing. More often than not, he was working _with_ her. It wasn’t unreasonable to assume that Charlie came back with Ethan’s blessing.

Still, Ethan felt somewhat bitter that Naveen hadn’t warned him.

“I had not.”

“Why not?” Naveen probed.

“She isn’t ready,” Ethan’s voice was resolute. Naveen had the feeling he had made this argument many times before.

“No, I wouldn’t think she is,” Naveen sighed as he sipped at his coffee, “Who could be?”

Ethan wasn’t used to someone agreeing with him, and he wasn’t sure how to respond.

“I can only imagine the fight she gave you when you told her that though,” Naveen chuckled, imagining Charlotte’s fiery determination levied against Ethan’s obstinance, “If I’d ever told you that, you would have given me hell.”

“She did,” Ethan confirmed, “And I deserved it.”

“I don’t doubt it,” Naveen couldn’t help from laughing.

Ethan wished he could have told Naveen everything. He was sure that Naveen would have welcomed the truth and assured him of the safety of their secret, but Ethan couldn’t put his friend in a compromising position as an administrator.

And maybe he also didn’t want to admit that, after months of promising Charlie he would stay and work for their relationship, he had been a shitty boyfriend today…

“I was a bad boss and bad friend,” Ethan admitted finally, deciding that was the closest to the truth he would give, “But she’s… She’s so _stubborn_. You should have seen her today. She came here to avoid her therapy appointment and then had the nerve to tell me that, if I tried to send her home, she’d just drag out the hours to spite me. She completely disregarded my authority, and then she said I couldn’t begin to understand what she was going through – as if I hadn’t been there! And then she wanted to talk about Louise, which was-“

Ethan stopped himself suddenly, aware he had said Louise’s name.

It felt wrong on his tongue.

Suddenly, her presence was too close to ignore, and it was harder and harder to run back to his anger to hide from her.

“Charlie was there when your mother came in?” Naveen asked, a soft concern in his voice.

“Uh, yes,” Ethan cleared his throat, “We were both in the E.R. when the ambulance arrived.”

“Oh…” Naveen shook his head like he understood, which frustrated Ethan.

There was nothing to understand.

She was just there.

That didn’t mean anything.

“But we fought before that,” Ethan clarified.

Naveen said nothing, leaving the silence for Ethan to fill. Ethan took the bait.

“We also fought after,” Ethan admitted.

Naveen nodded thoughtfully.

“How are you, Ethan?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, you’ve been through hell. Someone close to you almost died. You’re watching their recovery, which is very painful, and you had to save your estranged mother from an overdose. I think you’re entitled to feel upset, Ethan,” Naveen smiled compassionately.

“I’m _fine_ ,” Ethan insisted.

“It’s okay if you’re not.”

Ethan looked away, staring at his coffee instead as he mulled on Naveen’s words. Frankly, he wanted to avoid them. He wanted to file them with the rest of the uncomfortable emotions, but he was too overwhelmed to put them away.

His mind wandered to Louise and the abyss her abandonment created. Thoughts of her loomed over him now, too inevitable to avoid entirely. He could no longer touch the distractions that had saved him. He could only catch glimmers of the real thing – the despair, anger, frustration, anxiety, and fear. He would have to feel them.

And he wanted to feel them with Charlie.

If she would forgive him for being a fucking asshole.

Ethan winced.

He had been so proud of their growth, but all it took was the threat of mistrust to unravel them both.

“I don’t know how she’ll forgive me,” Ethan groaned, burying his face in his hands.

“You could begin by saying you’re sorry,” Naveen suggested.

Ethan huffed at the suggestion, but really, it was a pretty good one.

“Actually, I need you to do something for me…”

\---

Charlie felt the overwhelming urge to run. Yet she remained, seemingly glued to the barstool.

She didn’t want to face him. She didn’t want to face the repercussions of her actions, nor did she want to experience the shame associated with all she’d said to him. She wanted to hide.

Truthfully, had her therapist not implored her to work it out with her boyfriend, she may have leaned into that impulse.

The only way Charlie got herself to stay was that she remembered how much she wanted to see him. After everything she had been through today, she needed someone to share it with. She also couldn’t leave him alone on the night he saw his estranged mother almost die.

As Charlie waited for him, she tried to prepare herself like her therapist suggested. She reminded herself that it was okay if Ethan was still uncomfortable or anxious around her, and if he was still angry, they would work through that. His reaction was just as valid as hers. They could survive a bad day. They had already survived a terrible one, after all.

Charlie was surprised by how much her therapist allowed her to talk about Ethan. She imagined that most of today’s session would be dedicated to interrogating her on her trauma, exposing old wounds and backing her into old corners. But it hadn’t been like that at all. It had been… helpful. Nice, even.

And she had done it for herself.

Not for Ethan, her friends, or her job. She did it for her own healing. For that, she felt so incredibly proud – more proud than she had ever been of herself.

But even that feeling couldn’t override the overwhelming anxiety she felt as she waited in Ethan’s apartment for him to get home.

Just when she thought she might combust with nervousness, the lock on the front door clicked.

Charlie held her breath in anticipation. All at once, all rational thought left. Any semblance of a plan disappeared. She forgot her planned speech, and she stared ahead blankly, suddenly aware that she was just a girl hiding in a man’s apartment.

The door opened too quickly. She had no time to prepare. One second, she heard it. The next, Ethan was just _there_ , looking at her. She had spent all that time waiting, but now she felt completely unready.

Ethan couldn’t believe what he was seeing.

He stood in the doorway, mouth slightly agape in shock.

She was _here_?

He hadn’t planned on her being here. He had meticulously planned his apology, but he never considered she would be here. He had to scrap his plans. He looked to the bouquet in his hands, silently questioning if they still fit into the apology.

“I, um, let himself in,” Charlie blurted out awkwardly, hoping to fill the silence.

“Right,” Ethan swallowed, stepping inside and closing the door behind him.

Should he apologize now?

Should she?

Another uncomfortable silence.

Charlie decided to break it again.

“I went to therapy,” Charlie announced.

“I know,” Ethan felt his chest expand with adoration and pride, “Or, at least, I figured.”

Charlie bit her lower lip, her mouth caught on the edge of a smile. She was so overcome with satisfaction with her decision that it threatened to break free, even under the weight of their disagreement.

That smile only faltered when she continued, “I wasn’t actively trying to avoid it, Ethan. But you were right. I was running, and I was using Edenbrook as a place to distract myself. I was taking on everyone’s problems so I could hide from my own. I was so determined to hide that I wouldn’t listen to anyone, not even when they were trying to help me. I’m sorry, Ethan – for not listening and for all of the horrible things I said,” Charlie winced.

“You’re sorry?” Ethan repeated, letting out a breath of laughter with a shameful face, “I’m the one who yelled at you in a hallway and tried to use my authority over you to make you listen. I’ve been using my authority over you for some time now.” Ethan swallowed, “That’s why I gave up my right to decide when you come back to work. It isn’t my place. I’m too emotionally involved, and I shouldn’t be exerting that much control over you.”

“What?” Charlie breathed, shocked.

“I turned it over to Naveen. He will make the determination now, as he always should have,” Ethan added, ashamed that he hadn’t done so earlier, “I’m sorry it took me so long. I just thought I knew what was best, but I shouldn’t be the one deciding that.”

Charlie couldn’t believe what she was hearing.

Ethan had given up control for her?

And he had listened to what she said? Her appeals for independence hadn’t fallen on deaf ears?

She couldn’t believe this was the same man who was once so afraid of growth that he used to run away from her every time he had an inkling of romantic interest.

“Thank you,” Charlie said, her tone sincere.

Ethan didn’t feel like he deserved it. He thought he hadn’t earned her forgiveness, let alone her thanks.

As if to remind her, he continued with the story of his wrongs.

Ethan sighed, “I found Farley. He has Lyme disease, by the way. You were right to get him checked out. I should have listened to you, and I should have helped you instead of yelling at you. I just…”

Ethan took a long, deep breath.

For hours, he debated whether or not he should say this.

Now that the moment was here, he felt the obligation to tell her, but he was too afraid.

“I watched my mom avoid getting help,” Ethan confessed, “I didn’t know she was doing drugs – or if she _was_ doing drugs then…” Ethan exhaled, hating that he had to say that at all, “But she wasn’t in a good place, whatever it was. She couldn’t fathom getting help, and eventually, she couldn’t fathom staying with us. Charlotte, I recognize a lot of myself in my mother – more than I wish I did – but for the first time, I thought I saw something of her in you. And I know that’s wrong, but I was scared. And I’m sorry.”

“Ethan, no,” Charlie instinctively moved towards Ethan but stopped just short of him, suddenly aware that he hadn’t formally given her his forgiveness yet.

She ached to comfort him, so much so that it pained her to watch him from even this short distance.

“It’s okay to be afraid, Ethan. That’s not wrong,” Charlie assured him, urgency in her voice. He could feel her need for him to believe her, “I’m afraid all the time. We can both be afraid.”

Ethan knit his eyebrows together, tilting his head as he asked, “You’re not mad at me?”

“I was, but…” Charlie shook her head, “I was mad at something else. I was just yelling at you.”

“So was I,” Ethan confessed breathlessly.

Charlie couldn’t hold back anymore. She couldn’t stand this far away from him, not when she knew how much they both suffered. How could she further deprive them of the comfort they both needed?

In a time of a single breath, Charlie crossed the distance to Ethan, slipping her arms around him and burying herself in his strength and warmth. She whispered a string of apologies and ‘I love you,’s that blurred together as Ethan wrapped his arms around her, the roses in his hands falling against her back.

“I’m so sorry,” he murmured, pressing a kiss to the crown of her wild curls, “ _My darling, wonderful Charlie…_ ”

Charlie steadied herself to the rise and fall of his chest, lulling herself to peace with the assurance of his slowing heartbeat.

She loved him so much…

It always amazed her. It was nearly terrifying.

“Are you okay?” Charlie whispered into his chest.

Ethan shrugged just slightly, careful not to disturb her in his arms, “I’ve been better.”

Charlie looked up to give him a warning glare. She wouldn’t accept his avoidance tonight.

“I’ll be okay,” he admitted, “But right now, I’m facing something I’ve been hiding from for decades. I can’t take it all at once.”

Charlie understood his meaning, though she wished she didn’t. She wanted to face it now and bury them both in the depths of Louise’s trauma so that they could build their way out together. She wanted to sit beside him through it all, a repayment for his support in her dark hours.

But Charlie couldn’t stand in his shoes.

She had been a fortunate little girl. Raised by two loving parents, she didn’t understand what it meant to be rejected and abandoned by a parental figure. Her foundation had never crumbled as Ethan’s had. She couldn’t impose anything on him, nor could she dare say he was doing this wrong.

The only thing she could do was stay.

And at least that was something she wanted to do forever.

Charlie kissed Ethan – a sad kiss, the kind that said more about reassurance than any passion. Nonetheless, it was what he needed.

“Okay,” Charlie brushed her fingers through Ethan’s hair, smoothing it carefully. She avoided his eyes as tears pooled in her own.

“Do you want to cry, Charlie?” Ethan ventured, noting her avoidance.

“No,” Charlie waved him off unconvincingly, still dodging his stare, “I just, um… Well… Actually, yes. Today was terrible, and I want to cry so much.”

“You can cry, Charlie,” Ethan smiled like he was amused. Charlie couldn’t imagine why he would be.

“We just made up after a big fight. I can’t _cry_. You bought me flowers! We’re supposed to be happy or having sex on the kitchen counter or something,” Charlie huffed.

Ethan chuckled.

“Oh, is that what we’re supposed to be doing?” Ethan asked, and his tone made it clear he was making fun of her.

“Don’t make fun of me,” Charlie warned.

“I’m not!” Ethan protested innocently.

“Look, you got me _roses_! No one cries after their boyfriend gives them roses,” Charlie insisted, though even she could admit that was weak.

“I bought you roses because I realized I didn’t know your favorite flower,” Ethan explained sheepishly as he presented the bouquet he had otherwise forgotten about, “What are your favorite flowers?”

“Sunflowers,” Charlie answered, “Though I love roses, too.”

Ethan smiled when she said ‘sunflowers,’ as if they were infinitely better than roses.

Maybe he just thought that because they were now associated with Charlie.

“I think that, after today, we’re entitled to a few hours where we’re not happy,” Ethan took Charlie’s hand gently, tangling his fingers in hers, “Being with you is enough to comfort me, Charlotte, even if you’re crying.”

Charlie finally met his gaze, and her resolve wavered. A tear slid down her cheek, and though she immediately wiped it away, it was too late. The floodgates released.

“Besides, you owe me a season of _Grey’s Anatomy_ ,” Ethan interjected, distracting her from the errant tears defying her orders to stay in her eyes.

Charlie stared in disbelief.

“You’re still upset about that?”

“You watched without me!” Ethan defended himself.

“I’m on leave!” Charlie asserted, arms crossed.

“You still owe me that season.”

“Fine,” Charlie rolled her eyes like it was some considerable imposition for her, but her soft smile gave her away and assured Ethan that she was happy with the arrangement.

To their relief, the rest of that night was blissfully uneventful. There were no emergencies, no scandals, and no dramatic exchanges in hallways.

Instead, Ethan and Charlie spent most of it sharing take-out Chinese food and watching _Grey’s Anatomy_ on Ethan’s couch. As always, Ethan feigned disinterest but was clearly engrossed in the medical drama. He seemed particularly enthralled with the newly introduced couple of Sloan and Lexie, and he occasionally asked Charlie if they reminded her of their relationship. Of course, he also denounced an inaccuracy ten minutes later and spent a good five minutes emphasizing the danger of misinformation.

It was a perfect evening and one remarkably similar to the ones they’d shared in the last week.

Except on those nights, Charlie watched the medical drama and longed to walk the halls of Edenbrook. She practically ached to return to work, but after a traumatic day back, the idea of returning made her squirm.

Charlie always thought of Edenbrook as giving her things – her career, her friends, even her boyfriend.

But now, she saw that it was also _taking_. It took her time, her health, her safety, and her comfort. The moment she returned, it took from her again. It took and took, adding pressure until she felt like she could collapse.

The truth was that Charlie was now scared of Edenbrook, and she didn’t know when she’d return again…


End file.
